Sunday, August 26, 2012

Trying to Cope (Contains potentially triggering content. Read at your own risk)

Have a nice weekend? Time to catch up.

Trust your intuition,  and stay away from as much triggering stuff as possible. We're trying to take stuff in 5 second icnrements. How do I get from the couch to the kitchen without blacking out? How do I get in and out of this store without attacking anybody? Hyperawareness is still there. There's no visible threat. However, that's not good enough. You have to protect yourself. Where's my weapon? You strike first.

Frustration and despair are at time paralyzing. I have trouble walking up stairs. Not because of some physical problem. Just crippling despair. You feel like you can't breathe. Pressure is building, and you can't move. Flashbacks happen, and you scream and hold onto something solid so you don't black out.

Nobody's going to listen and nobody's going to help.

Offing myself has been a thought in the past. However, I'd never do that. Don't deny that it's there. Better to face it head on.

Are you scared to go to sleep at night? I still have to check the room to make sure it's safe. Check the other side of the bed to make sure no one's there. If you roll over on your side, do you still feel like the psycho rapist is there? Do you feel like you're an outside as you try to look at happy stuff that's happened to you? It's like someone takes over your role and says sorry, but you're not good enough to do this. So let me do it and just go away.

Flashbacks to different moments happen. Yet, it feels like nobody cares.

Does anybody care if I'm here?

I go into a store, and at times we just sit and cry. Will anybody ever reassure us in person? We're not permenantly damaged because of being raped, which isn't our fault. But also, what long term effect does this have on someone? Does this lack of contact damage you just like PTSD does?

We still have to scream and fight to wake up in the morning. If we don't, it's like parallel realities all day long. You try to look cool and calm on the outside. On the inside, you're fighting to not snap.

You don't want to snap or die. At times though, you feel like you don't exist. It's like nobody cares, so why bother? You have to fight all the time to not slip into that. I've been doing that every single day since I was raped.

Why? Because your life literally depends on it. Either you fight back, or you die.

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