Sunday, May 23, 2010

We're Feeling Sad (Contains Graphic Content)

It's a sunny afternoon. Yet, we feel really sad. Despair is really crippling.

My multiples and little kid don't understand.

How come nobody loves us? How come nobody will pay attention that we exist?
I do.

But how come nobody else will? Does anybody care what happens to us?
Some do.

The how come nobody will pay attention? How come nobody will touch us? Are they afraid that they'll get raped too if they do?

Flashbacks. Lots of sick scenes. Psycho rapists going down on you. Monsters behind every corner. If you see flashing lights, do you have flashbacks? If you're using EMDR in your therapy, does this act as a trigger?

You feel stuck. The others are downstairs. You know something's wrong. Yet, you can't move. The psycho rapist gets naked and so do you. You get into bed and he's behind you. Nobody's watching or listening.

He's not wearing a condom. He's breathing heavy as he stick his dick in your ass. You're terrified, but you can't move. You want to scream, but you can't. You feel like a piece of meat.

Nobody's going to come in and save you. Nobody's paying attention. Does anyone give s shit about you?

Do you want to just die? No. Yet, nobody's going to save you. He fucks you harder and the pain gets worse. You want to scream, but you can't. A million sick thoughts flash thru your mind. Yet, nobody will save you. If this psycho tries to kill you, will anybody care?

He fucks you harder. And then finally he cums. It's sick and horrible. You don't know what to do. He gets up, and doesn't say anything. Does he do this all the time? Does he have any STD's or AIDS? Will we die of AIDS at the age of 8?

Nobody listens. Nobody cares. Will anyone believe us if we tell?

He does this. The sick psycho grandfather (who's now dead) rapes us too. Again, nobody cares. Nobody pays attention. Instead, we get screamed at.

If pyscho #1 is still alive, we could file charges. Or a civil suit. But that means going to court, an attorney. Expenses. And no gurantee that we'll get anything at all. Plus, if we go public that we have PTSD, legally any commercial health coverage firm in the States could essentially blackball us (it's a "pre-existing" condition). Which is the same as getting raped all over again.

We're not going to kill ourselves. We're not going to hurt ourselves. But, can we trust anybody?

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