Happy weekend. Another busy day of a job fair, resume rewriting and cold calling. Along the way, horrible dissociating and despair. It's like everybody's screaming and beating down on you all at once. And you feel like there's nowhere to run. You refuse to role over and die. But also, at times it's like endless lucid dreams. You fight these assholes off and you know all of this is crap. But you have to focus REALLY HARD to keep your balance.
Sometimes you have to fight to not just snap and say, f**k it! I'm gonna kill everybody. The despair hits and we ask, how come nobody cares? If people did care, how come nobody will touch us? How come people can't be bothered? I'm grateful that you're here reading this. But, still the despair hits really hard.
You scream, fight and cry yourself to sleep at night. The terror is there and you ask, where is it coming from? Is it one multiple, or is it something else? How come adrenalin surges still happen? Sometimes dissociating feels automatic. Is it because it's still second nature at times? You try to focus because you don't want to disappear.
Does this still happen to you? If you're a woman survivor, are people taking you seriously re: coping after being raped? Feel free to post your comments.