It's a holiday, so you'd think it would be just nice and enjoy the sun. However, it's a lot of emptiness and depression. No matter what you do or how you try to ground yourself, they're still there. On the other hand, we haven't slipped for a few days now and gone back to triggering and dissociating stuff to escape pain.
If you have lots of junk in your diet, you dissociate and hallucinate. If you don't and feel clean for a while, you still do these. Why? Is it because a long history of abuse (in every sense of the word) has permanently messed up my system? Just when you think you have some stability, violent flashbacks and lucid dreams happen. I don't know.
You try to have at least ten seconds of focus. No violent symptoms. Just be able to focus on right now.
I have no tolerance for chemicals. A candy bar or a piece of cake? Can't have them. They're too triggering.
Just focus on not dissociating. Do you really want to vanish literally for a week at a time? No I don't.
It's not my fault.
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