Had to stay up late last night doing some PC maintenance. I didn't get to sleep till around 3 a.m. But in the process before that I really had to struggle to not dissociate and black out. Also, to not hallucinate. For whatever reasons, weird thoughts came out of nowhere. They happen, and you fight hard to not just collapse.
Is it because I was so tired? Is it because of something else? Sometimes you have moments where you can't get past thoughts of death. What if I wasn't around? Would anybody care? If you don't fight your way out of that, you feel like you're trapped in an endless cycle.
Part of it too is trying to cover all of my bills myself. Despite being on benefits, I still have to get help from the parents to cover rent and some basic bills. later this week, I'll talk to my therapist about trying to find low income housing that's safe. Instead of moving in with my brother and his family.
I want to keep control over my life and to feel safe.