How's your day? Here, it's like many parts of the world. Endless heat, concerns, and problems. In our case, no break ever in dealing with symptoms.
It's a struggle to check the I-can-save-the-world-all-by-myself pattern that's easy to fall into. Convince millions of people not to vote for Trump or Hillary? It's not my responsibility to make sure that each of them does their homework before they go to bed. Instead, you try to protect your well being.
Every day it's an exhausting battle to focus and not dissociate. In the past you thought it would help you to escape pain. Instead, it just makes things worse. At times you turn off all noise, sit on the floor and rock back and forth. You don't want to be bombarded with pain. You just want to feel safe in your own home and not literally fall apart. You don't know where you are or what time it is. You don't want to feel trapped.
You have nothing to hide behind. Dissociating, alcoholism or the rest of it. But the pain is still there. You still feel paralyzed and have to fight hard to not slip into a death wish. I have no desire to hurt myself or anybody else. But you still have to fight that "what if I wasn't here" thought. Would anybody care?
Would anybody pay attention?
Can I trust anybody? Or, is everybody lying to me?
You can't control other horrible people. But you can protect yourself. You have to.