There's no place to hide. Denial, severe alcoholism, dissociating. You struggle with all of that. But you also try to face your trauma history as best you can.
You feel paralyzed. The smallest things take an enormous amount of energy. You struggle to know what's real and what isn't. You can't just sit back and do nothing.
You're always exhausted. But if you don't fight for some sense of being grounded, you'll fall apart. What other choice do you have?