Time to catch up on a lot at home. Get rid of junk files and new writing on the laptop. Turn off all triggering stuff. Screen everything to protect yourself, because you have to. No matter what, don't dissociate. Do something else.
For whatever reasons, trying to focus right now is at times extremely painful. You scream and try to not black out in the process. Pain lashes out, and at times you don't know where you are. Violent unchecked dissociating for a long time was "normal". So naturally you wouldn't change that instantly overnight.
But the pain is there.
The nightmares are there.
The torture flashbacks are there.
Split second thoughts about attacking little kids.
You don't feel safe going out at times. You stay home and try to not only protect yourself, but others as well. You have to do the responsible thing.
But they still happen.
You just want to feel safe.