Sorry to be away for a few days. But the past week has been a constant daily battle to not dissociate or black out. From the time you wake up to the time to go to sleep, it's non-stop. Don't dissociate. You fight to not snap in two or black out. You have to fight back because if you don't, you'll fall apart.
You also struggle with adrenalin surges. You lose feeling at times in different parts of your body. It's like your balance is all messed up. But you can't just sit back and do nothing. You don't want to dissociate and black out. That won't stop pain. It will only make it worse. We still struggle with just how horrible being raped by three psycho pedophiles has been.
You have split second thoughts about what if you weren't here. You don't want to have a death wish. You don't want to just roll over and give up. Which means it's a constant battle. It feels like there's never a break. Every day is the same.
You don't want to die or fall apart. But you have to protect yourself. You don't have a choice.
You have to protect your well being.