Saturday, September 3, 2016

Fighting to Stay Grounded

Another night of almost no sleep. You try to go to bed and do all the right things beforehand. No spicy foods. No late night snacks. No late night triggering stuff. Don't intentionally put yourself in a position to dissociate and fall apart. Despite doing all of that, you still can't go to sleep. Wake up every hour and ask. Am I still dreaming, or dissociating?

Then, it's usually 2 a.m. You walk around the apartment in the dark and sit on the couch. Try to feel safe. But then, even if you try to go back to sleep the nightmares come back. You're always run down. You're always struggling to try and feel safe in your own home.

Right now, triggering stuff is everywhere. Death, destruction, Trump's racist shit. The media censoring sane and rational people like Jill Stein. How come she never gets anywhere? Not once do any of these media "pundits" ever say, I know! It's because we censor the shit out of her! That's why!

Am I responsible for stopping all of the evil and nasty people in the world? No. If the worst happens and Trump wins, is it my fault? No, it's not. But you still struggle with emptiness, abandonment, anger and more.

You don't want to hurt yourself or anybody else. But the pain is always there. You never get a break. Then again, the surest way to go to hell is to ignore your pain. Face your trauma history as best you can. So long as it doesn't hurt you in some way.

Why do lots of people say and do horrible things to you? I don't know. But I do know that everyone is responsible for what they say and do. Including them.

It's not my fault
It's not my fault
I did nothing wrong
It's not my fault
I'm not weird, strange, a freak or dangerous
I have no desire to hurt anybody. Including me
Why do other people say and do horrible things?
Can I trust anybody?
Is everyone lying to me?

I've never had one day free from PTSD symptoms. I don't know what that's like. But you can't just sit back and do nothing.

You just want to feel safe.

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