This blog deals with one person's fight against horrible PTSD from beign repeatedly raped by more than one person. At times I use "triggers" (sights, sounds and more) to get key points across. But never to intentionally hurt anyone.
If this bothers you, stop reading now. Otherwise, keep going and thanks for the support.
Still fighting for stability. Dissociating continues to happen at times. I'm trying a new herb to see if that will help to cope better.
It's not just one or more multiples or my little kid. It's everything that continues to flood out.
How do you cope? What do you do when you feel like you're getting beat up every day and NOBODY will pay attention? Please share your thoughts.
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Monday, December 29, 2008
Finally a Little More Stability?
This blog deal with one person's fight against PTSD (from being repeatedly raped by more than one person). Sometimes I use "triggers" to get key points across. If these bother you, stop reading now. Otherwise, continue and thanks for the support.
Finally some stability for a change? I'm using lots of new herbs. And there's a little more integration. I still have to scream in my car and punch out the stering wheel. But we'll see how it goes.
Hope you're feeling betteer too. And feel free to post a comment.
Finally some stability for a change? I'm using lots of new herbs. And there's a little more integration. I still have to scream in my car and punch out the stering wheel. But we'll see how it goes.
Hope you're feeling betteer too. And feel free to post a comment.
Sunday, December 28, 2008
A Vicious Beating (contains extremely graphic content)
This blog deal with one person's fight against horrible PSTD from repeated rape by more than one person. Sometimes I use "triggers" (sights, sounds and more) to get key points across. But never to intentionally hurt anyone else. If this bothers you, stop reading now. Today's blog contains extremely graphic content that could be horrible triggers. But this needs to be talked about.
If you're still ok, keep going. And thanks for the support.
How was your Christmas? Go anywhere? Due to money problems I ended up staying here. But much of it was rough.
Every day now for the past week or so, it's been horrible dissociating, flashbacks, lucid dreams and more. My therapist and a few other people say that it's all the trauma flooding out. Which means you have to stay as grounded as you can and fight back to not dissociate all the time.
On Xmas Day, we spent all day fighting really sick and twisted dissociating. My multiples and little kid say that I was raped by my grandfather (now dead). Imagine the sickest things you can about this:
I really like f*****g little kids.
I don't care what the hell you do. I'm gonna f**k you till you scream.
Go down on me now.
You get the idea.
Every day, it's homicidal anger coming out. We do all the healthy things to try and stay grounded. But when this happens, we get in my car and drive to an empty parking lot nearby. We go off in a corner and then scream and punch out my steering wheel and dash board. Every day for almost a week. Sometimes we ask, why is this happening? We didn't ask for this. We don't want to be raped. We don't like pain and humiliation. But nobody listens? Why don't they listen? Why don't they pay attention?
Because not all but many people think guy survivors are their worst f*****g nightmare. And they will do LITERALLY ANYTHING to avoid it. People tell you, oh you need to share. Get your story out. Then when you try to, many of the same people say f**k off. You freak me out. We don't like you.
Where do you go then? The symptoms keep coming. You don't want to use again or kill yourself. So where are you supposed to go?
When anger is this bad you want to kill everybody. Every stupid ass m*****rf****r that laughed in your face and treated you like s**t. I'll f*****g kill you right now. Scream all your want. Nobody gives a s**t about you. I'm gonna f*****g kill you, rape your wife. And burn your f*****g house down. And then I'm gonna kill every f*****g a*****e that gets in my way.
We haven't done this and we don't want to. Also, I don't have a gun. Because right now I'm afraid to have one. I've used lots of guns and understand what they can do. But if I have one now, I'm afraid of what we might do.
We go out and it still feels like everything's dangerous. See the guy over in the corner? He's a homicidal rapist that loves to f**k little kids and then slit their throat. So we have to kill him first.
We stand and listen to someone talk. But what do they really want? Are they going to try and rape us? What if they try to pin us down? What if they grab us from behind? What do we do then? We constantly think out different moves to stop them.
We try to think about some positive things that have happened. But 99% of the time a billion horrible flashbacks happen.
What are we supposed to do? A stuck fight-or-flight mechanism is still a problem. For most people, a weird thought happens and you blow it off. For others, it takes literally days to get past it. Why is it? Is it because of one or more multiples saying something? Or is it all the trauma flooding out?
We're not going to just roll over and die. And no we won't hurt ourselves. But it would be nice to have one day without symptoms.
If you're still ok, keep going. And thanks for the support.
How was your Christmas? Go anywhere? Due to money problems I ended up staying here. But much of it was rough.
Every day now for the past week or so, it's been horrible dissociating, flashbacks, lucid dreams and more. My therapist and a few other people say that it's all the trauma flooding out. Which means you have to stay as grounded as you can and fight back to not dissociate all the time.
On Xmas Day, we spent all day fighting really sick and twisted dissociating. My multiples and little kid say that I was raped by my grandfather (now dead). Imagine the sickest things you can about this:
I really like f*****g little kids.
I don't care what the hell you do. I'm gonna f**k you till you scream.
Go down on me now.
You get the idea.
Every day, it's homicidal anger coming out. We do all the healthy things to try and stay grounded. But when this happens, we get in my car and drive to an empty parking lot nearby. We go off in a corner and then scream and punch out my steering wheel and dash board. Every day for almost a week. Sometimes we ask, why is this happening? We didn't ask for this. We don't want to be raped. We don't like pain and humiliation. But nobody listens? Why don't they listen? Why don't they pay attention?
Because not all but many people think guy survivors are their worst f*****g nightmare. And they will do LITERALLY ANYTHING to avoid it. People tell you, oh you need to share. Get your story out. Then when you try to, many of the same people say f**k off. You freak me out. We don't like you.
Where do you go then? The symptoms keep coming. You don't want to use again or kill yourself. So where are you supposed to go?
When anger is this bad you want to kill everybody. Every stupid ass m*****rf****r that laughed in your face and treated you like s**t. I'll f*****g kill you right now. Scream all your want. Nobody gives a s**t about you. I'm gonna f*****g kill you, rape your wife. And burn your f*****g house down. And then I'm gonna kill every f*****g a*****e that gets in my way.
We haven't done this and we don't want to. Also, I don't have a gun. Because right now I'm afraid to have one. I've used lots of guns and understand what they can do. But if I have one now, I'm afraid of what we might do.
We go out and it still feels like everything's dangerous. See the guy over in the corner? He's a homicidal rapist that loves to f**k little kids and then slit their throat. So we have to kill him first.
We stand and listen to someone talk. But what do they really want? Are they going to try and rape us? What if they try to pin us down? What if they grab us from behind? What do we do then? We constantly think out different moves to stop them.
We try to think about some positive things that have happened. But 99% of the time a billion horrible flashbacks happen.
What are we supposed to do? A stuck fight-or-flight mechanism is still a problem. For most people, a weird thought happens and you blow it off. For others, it takes literally days to get past it. Why is it? Is it because of one or more multiples saying something? Or is it all the trauma flooding out?
We're not going to just roll over and die. And no we won't hurt ourselves. But it would be nice to have one day without symptoms.
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Hanging on by a Threat
This blog deals with one person's fight against horrible PTSD from beign repeatedly raped. Occasionally I use "triggers" (sights, sounds and more) to get key points across. But never to hurt anybody.
If these bother you, stop reading now. Otherwise, keep going and thanks for the support.
Finally feeling balanced again after a horrible night. Had a lucid dream where I was being kidnapped and sold as a sex slave along with hundreds of others. And then suddenly your eyes open and you think, is this real or not? What do we do? My multiples, little kid and I all said fight back.
So we jumped out of bed and had to fight REALLY HARD and screamed for about an hour to fight your way back thru that so we didn't dissociate forever. Then we grabbed some scissors (the nearest weapon) and checked all the other rooms to make sure it was safe. We called a helpline and gradually we started to calm down again.
But in that moment of fighting back, NOBODY is going to listen to you or help you. So do you just roll over and literally die? Do you just go back to bed and literally dissocaite forever? You feel like you're out-of-your-body and watching a rat in a cage fighting for a way out. But there is none.
We try every way we can to stay grounded. But even with all of these positive things, sometimes it doesn't work. And you feel like you're this close to the edge. But nobody's standing with you. Nobody's listening and nobody can be bothered. If you gonna freak out, at least do it in the corner, ok? You're scaring my kids? We scream because we know something is wrong and we fight to get help. But nobody pays attention.
In that case, where do you go? We refuse to just roll over and die and then give these sick a******s that treated us like s**t the satisfaction.
What do you do to help you cope? I'd love to hear from you.
If these bother you, stop reading now. Otherwise, keep going and thanks for the support.
Finally feeling balanced again after a horrible night. Had a lucid dream where I was being kidnapped and sold as a sex slave along with hundreds of others. And then suddenly your eyes open and you think, is this real or not? What do we do? My multiples, little kid and I all said fight back.
So we jumped out of bed and had to fight REALLY HARD and screamed for about an hour to fight your way back thru that so we didn't dissociate forever. Then we grabbed some scissors (the nearest weapon) and checked all the other rooms to make sure it was safe. We called a helpline and gradually we started to calm down again.
But in that moment of fighting back, NOBODY is going to listen to you or help you. So do you just roll over and literally die? Do you just go back to bed and literally dissocaite forever? You feel like you're out-of-your-body and watching a rat in a cage fighting for a way out. But there is none.
We try every way we can to stay grounded. But even with all of these positive things, sometimes it doesn't work. And you feel like you're this close to the edge. But nobody's standing with you. Nobody's listening and nobody can be bothered. If you gonna freak out, at least do it in the corner, ok? You're scaring my kids? We scream because we know something is wrong and we fight to get help. But nobody pays attention.
In that case, where do you go? We refuse to just roll over and die and then give these sick a******s that treated us like s**t the satisfaction.
What do you do to help you cope? I'd love to hear from you.
Monday, December 15, 2008
Doing Whatever It Takes
This blog is one person's fight against horrible PTSD from being repeatedly raped. Occasionally I use "triggers" (sights, sounds, colors and more) to get important points across. But never to hurt anyone. If this bothers you, stop reading now. Otherwise, keep going and thanks for the support.
Staying in tonight and catching up. But in an easy way. Today was another horrible battle against dissociating. You do all the positive things. And you still feel like you're going to snap. You're going to morph and just fall apart. Sometimes you scream, you cry. And you think, why does this have to happen? Because it's trauma flooding out. And it has to come out.
But as it does, you really have to fight hard to keep a positive balance. If adrenalin surges happen, you have to literally focus hard and push back to keep your balance. If not, you feel like you're going to fall apart. If you do dissociate, many times it feels like you're walking around in a trance.You're looking for a way out. But you can't find it.
For some people some weird thought happens and you can stop it in two seconds and go on. For others, it takes hours and hours to get past it. You punch out the walls, you scream and you don't know what else to do but to fight back. Otherwise you'll fall apart.
But you have to be careful. Because being a guy survivor, nobody will pay attention. Nobody wants to listen. So what do you do? If someone says go ahead and share and then they say go away you freak me out, what do you say?
We're not going to roll over and die. The sick m****rf****r that f****d us in the ass used EMDR lights to lure his victims into his room. And it happened more than once. Why did it happen? It's not our fault. But NOBODY has ever acknowledged it. It's like, nobody cares so just shut up and you fix it. And we will never tolerate talking about this s**t.
Fine. You then cut these people off and move on. But what happens when nobody touches you or says "I'm sorry you were raped"? What do you do then?
Staying in tonight and catching up. But in an easy way. Today was another horrible battle against dissociating. You do all the positive things. And you still feel like you're going to snap. You're going to morph and just fall apart. Sometimes you scream, you cry. And you think, why does this have to happen? Because it's trauma flooding out. And it has to come out.
But as it does, you really have to fight hard to keep a positive balance. If adrenalin surges happen, you have to literally focus hard and push back to keep your balance. If not, you feel like you're going to fall apart. If you do dissociate, many times it feels like you're walking around in a trance.You're looking for a way out. But you can't find it.
For some people some weird thought happens and you can stop it in two seconds and go on. For others, it takes hours and hours to get past it. You punch out the walls, you scream and you don't know what else to do but to fight back. Otherwise you'll fall apart.
But you have to be careful. Because being a guy survivor, nobody will pay attention. Nobody wants to listen. So what do you do? If someone says go ahead and share and then they say go away you freak me out, what do you say?
We're not going to roll over and die. The sick m****rf****r that f****d us in the ass used EMDR lights to lure his victims into his room. And it happened more than once. Why did it happen? It's not our fault. But NOBODY has ever acknowledged it. It's like, nobody cares so just shut up and you fix it. And we will never tolerate talking about this s**t.
Fine. You then cut these people off and move on. But what happens when nobody touches you or says "I'm sorry you were raped"? What do you do then?
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Getting Hit Hard Every Day
This blog talks about one person's fight against PTSd from repeated rape. Sometimes I use "triggers" (sights, sounds, colors, and more) to get points across. But never to hurt other survivors. If this bothers you, stop reading now. Otherwise, keep going and thanks for the support.
How was your day today? Here it was rough. Got hit hard all day by horrible dissociating and more. Then I just stopped and turned everything off. Triggers are everywhere. Literally if you try and think of one positive thing instantly a billion flashbacks happen. And sometimes I feel like I'm going to snap. Despite doing all of the positive things to ground yourself, it keeps coming.
EMDR is still helpful. But my multiples and little kid are terrified. Why do we have to go back and be raped again? How come nobody pays attention? Does anybody care at all? What if he stabs us and kills us? Will anybody notice then?
How do you answer that? Sometimes just saying I don't know is a bad idea. But there's that despair of feeling like NOBODY WILL LISTEN TO YOU. So what do you do then? On the one hand people say please share. Then you do and suddenly they're gone.
What did you do? If this freaks you out so much why did you spend all that time saying please share? Why did you waste your time and ours? You can say, it's true that some people don't know that guy survivors exist. But also, what do you do when NOBODY will admit you exist. People won't touch you, nobody will say I'm sorry you're raped. Why? Because it's too much of an "inconvenience"? Because you're not a woman survivor? So that's their get out of jail free card which allows them to get the f**k of there, thank God.
I'm not going to do any drugs again. I won't off myself. So what do we do now?
Do you sometimes get the feeling that there's a Universal Agreement that says we will NEVER talk about guy survivors. Women are ok. But guys are too f*****g weird. I mean, my God, what the hell would our audience say? What would management say? Just go away.
If you call someone on this, suddenly they have time to say, oh yes, this is a problem for guys as well. If that's true, then why didn't you mention this before I called you and forced you to do that?
Flashbacks still happen. You scream, punch out walls and fight to not black out. But what happens when it feels like nobody will listen to you?
How was your day today? Here it was rough. Got hit hard all day by horrible dissociating and more. Then I just stopped and turned everything off. Triggers are everywhere. Literally if you try and think of one positive thing instantly a billion flashbacks happen. And sometimes I feel like I'm going to snap. Despite doing all of the positive things to ground yourself, it keeps coming.
EMDR is still helpful. But my multiples and little kid are terrified. Why do we have to go back and be raped again? How come nobody pays attention? Does anybody care at all? What if he stabs us and kills us? Will anybody notice then?
How do you answer that? Sometimes just saying I don't know is a bad idea. But there's that despair of feeling like NOBODY WILL LISTEN TO YOU. So what do you do then? On the one hand people say please share. Then you do and suddenly they're gone.
What did you do? If this freaks you out so much why did you spend all that time saying please share? Why did you waste your time and ours? You can say, it's true that some people don't know that guy survivors exist. But also, what do you do when NOBODY will admit you exist. People won't touch you, nobody will say I'm sorry you're raped. Why? Because it's too much of an "inconvenience"? Because you're not a woman survivor? So that's their get out of jail free card which allows them to get the f**k of there, thank God.
I'm not going to do any drugs again. I won't off myself. So what do we do now?
Do you sometimes get the feeling that there's a Universal Agreement that says we will NEVER talk about guy survivors. Women are ok. But guys are too f*****g weird. I mean, my God, what the hell would our audience say? What would management say? Just go away.
If you call someone on this, suddenly they have time to say, oh yes, this is a problem for guys as well. If that's true, then why didn't you mention this before I called you and forced you to do that?
Flashbacks still happen. You scream, punch out walls and fight to not black out. But what happens when it feels like nobody will listen to you?
Monday, December 8, 2008
Trying to Focus
This blog is one person's fight against horrible PTSD from being repeatedly raped. Sometimes I use "triggers" (sights, sounds, colors and more) to get points across. But never to hurt other survivors. If this bothers you, stop reading now. Otherwise, keep going and thanks for the support.
Back to it. And so far it seems to be ok. Yesterday was an endless battle to not dissociate. You scream and fight to not disappear. But what happens when you try everything you can to stay grounded and you still have to fight? I really don't want to sink down to the level of the sick assholes that treated me like s**t.
How do you deal with a stuck fight-or-flight mechanism? If you dissociate, sometimes it takes FOREVER to get past that. Also, if you go out someplace and everything is heightened awareness, how do you cope with that?
We'll see how it goes.
Back to it. And so far it seems to be ok. Yesterday was an endless battle to not dissociate. You scream and fight to not disappear. But what happens when you try everything you can to stay grounded and you still have to fight? I really don't want to sink down to the level of the sick assholes that treated me like s**t.
How do you deal with a stuck fight-or-flight mechanism? If you dissociate, sometimes it takes FOREVER to get past that. Also, if you go out someplace and everything is heightened awareness, how do you cope with that?
We'll see how it goes.
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Fighting Dissociating
This blog is one person's fight against horrible PTSD from being raped. Sometimes I use "triggers" (sights, sounds and more) to get a point across. If this bothers you, stop reading now. Otherwise, keep going and thanks for the support.
Went to therapy and we're still using EMDR. My multiples and little kid still agree that this is a helpful thing to do (to face being raped head on). But the bad part is the despair. Why did we get raped? How come nobody pays attention. Everywhere you turn you're screaming for help. But nobody cares because the whole world is s**t. So shut the f**k up and you fix it. Because if you don't you'll die. And nobody gives a s**t about your thoughts, feelings, desires and more.
So what do you do then? I'll turn and silently scream instead of causing a scene with others. Because they obviously don't give a f**k about us.
When animals have severe trauma, they shake violently when they dissociate to try and fight back to a sense of balance. Imagine doing that every day for about 30 years to be able to cop. Nobody will acknowledge you or have any sense of empathy at all. So what do you do then?
Horrible flashbacks and dissociating still happen. My fight-or-flight mechanism is still stuck. Which means you have to fight really hard to keep your balance. Because you have no other choice.
You fight all day plus go to work and do everything else that you need to do. What do you do at the end of the day when you're totally wiped out? Nobody will listen to you (other than your therapist or if you're lucky a helpline with people who don't judge guy survivors). But right now those are few and far between.
We're not going to give into the anger and frustrattion. If we did we'd end up like all the sick m****rf*****s that treated us like s**t. And we'll never do that.
When you feel like an orphan and have nobody ever listen to you, touch you or reassure you, how do you cope with that?
Went to therapy and we're still using EMDR. My multiples and little kid still agree that this is a helpful thing to do (to face being raped head on). But the bad part is the despair. Why did we get raped? How come nobody pays attention. Everywhere you turn you're screaming for help. But nobody cares because the whole world is s**t. So shut the f**k up and you fix it. Because if you don't you'll die. And nobody gives a s**t about your thoughts, feelings, desires and more.
So what do you do then? I'll turn and silently scream instead of causing a scene with others. Because they obviously don't give a f**k about us.
When animals have severe trauma, they shake violently when they dissociate to try and fight back to a sense of balance. Imagine doing that every day for about 30 years to be able to cop. Nobody will acknowledge you or have any sense of empathy at all. So what do you do then?
Horrible flashbacks and dissociating still happen. My fight-or-flight mechanism is still stuck. Which means you have to fight really hard to keep your balance. Because you have no other choice.
You fight all day plus go to work and do everything else that you need to do. What do you do at the end of the day when you're totally wiped out? Nobody will listen to you (other than your therapist or if you're lucky a helpline with people who don't judge guy survivors). But right now those are few and far between.
We're not going to give into the anger and frustrattion. If we did we'd end up like all the sick m****rf*****s that treated us like s**t. And we'll never do that.
When you feel like an orphan and have nobody ever listen to you, touch you or reassure you, how do you cope with that?
Friday, December 5, 2008
Friday Stuff
This blog is one person's fight against PSTD from being raped. Sometimes I use "triggers" (sights, sounds and more) to get points across. If this bothers you, stop reading now. Otherwise, keep going and thanks for the support.
How's your Friday? The Big 3 CEO's don't have thieir bailout. O.J. Simpson gets 15 years. Are you coping ok? I go back to therapy tonight. And EMDR is still helpful. But feels like an electric chair.
Do you use EMDR? How does it work for you?
How's your Friday? The Big 3 CEO's don't have thieir bailout. O.J. Simpson gets 15 years. Are you coping ok? I go back to therapy tonight. And EMDR is still helpful. But feels like an electric chair.
Do you use EMDR? How does it work for you?
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Late Nght Thoughts
This blog deals with one person's battle against PTSD from repeated rape. Occasionally sights, sounds and other stuff (known as "triggers") are used to get points across. But never to intentionally hurt other survivors. If this bothers you, stop now. Otherwise, continue and thanks for the comments and support.
Late night thoughts for you. How do you cope with keeping a positive balance when there's so much stress everywhere?
Here are some things that are helping in a way. If these sound basic, excuse me. But it's worth mentioning them from time to time:
Avoid sugar, junk food and caffeine as much as possible.
Make yourself do some type of exercise every day. If you have adrenalin surges, you need to get that energy out in a positive way.
Meditation
Tai chi is helpful also. Other forms (karate, ju-jitsu, etc.) have different techniques and goals. Tai-chi seems to be the best for managing your chi in a balanced way.
Avoid triggers as much as possible. Trust your intuition that no, I don't need to see this.
Try to fine tune your intuition as much as you can. One tip: the less junk you put into your body (in every sense of the word), the sharper it will be. If you don't, it feels like you're picking up everybody's thoughts, feelings and more.
Where it's necessary, cut yourself off from hurtful people/places. It's the old 12 Step Group idea of survival. Because the truth is that at times, it's necessary to do that. You're not responsible for what others do and say. And, if you don't protect yourself, nobody else will. A few people may try to be concerned. But in the end you have to do it.
How do you cope when it feels like you're going to snap? I try to meditate. But sometimes the trauma flooding out is too much. And what do you do then? You fight symptoms all day long (and work and everything else). At the end of the day, what do you do then?
If you have suggestions, please post them.
Late night thoughts for you. How do you cope with keeping a positive balance when there's so much stress everywhere?
Here are some things that are helping in a way. If these sound basic, excuse me. But it's worth mentioning them from time to time:
Avoid sugar, junk food and caffeine as much as possible.
Make yourself do some type of exercise every day. If you have adrenalin surges, you need to get that energy out in a positive way.
Meditation
Tai chi is helpful also. Other forms (karate, ju-jitsu, etc.) have different techniques and goals. Tai-chi seems to be the best for managing your chi in a balanced way.
Avoid triggers as much as possible. Trust your intuition that no, I don't need to see this.
Try to fine tune your intuition as much as you can. One tip: the less junk you put into your body (in every sense of the word), the sharper it will be. If you don't, it feels like you're picking up everybody's thoughts, feelings and more.
Where it's necessary, cut yourself off from hurtful people/places. It's the old 12 Step Group idea of survival. Because the truth is that at times, it's necessary to do that. You're not responsible for what others do and say. And, if you don't protect yourself, nobody else will. A few people may try to be concerned. But in the end you have to do it.
How do you cope when it feels like you're going to snap? I try to meditate. But sometimes the trauma flooding out is too much. And what do you do then? You fight symptoms all day long (and work and everything else). At the end of the day, what do you do then?
If you have suggestions, please post them.
A Symptom Free Day?
This blog is one person's fight against horrible PTSD from being raped. If reading "triggers" (sights, sounds and more) bothers you, stop reading now. If not, keep going. And thanks for your comments and links.
Is it finally a symptom free day? In some ways there's a little more stability. I'm really trying to stay off caffeine and sugar. And then see what happens.
Is it finally a symptom free day? In some ways there's a little more stability. I'm really trying to stay off caffeine and sugar. And then see what happens.
Monday, December 1, 2008
Fighting Thru
This blog talks about one person's fight against PTSD from repeated rape. Occasionally I use "triggers" (sights, sounds and more) to get important points across. If these bother you, stop reading now. If not, continue and thanks for your support.
It's December 1st. The Dow is down almost 700 points. We are now "officially" in a recession in the States. Can this get any weirder? Was your holiday weekend good? For me, a lot of it was fighting nasty dissociating and adrenalin surges. Also, your fight-or-flight mechanism is a big problem too. I still have problems getting past that block. When you feel like everything is caving in on you, what do you do then?
My therapist says, ground yourself as best you can. But even if you do that, you still get hit from all sides. You fight to focus because you know you have no choice. However, what happens when the despair hits? And you feel like the rest of the world says f**k off, mate. Nobody cares about you.
What do yo do then? Hurting yourself won't help anything. But then again, nobody has the time or the patience to listen. I realize that not all therapist worldwide are exactly the same. Many do good things. However, when you feel like you're getting the I-don't-care-about-you attitude, what do you do then? You don't exist, f**k heath insurance, you deal with it. I can help you. But first read all of my best sellers(on sale now for $29.95) before we start.
And some people actually say "we have the greatest health care in the world in the States." How much is their retainer from the HMO and drug company lobbies?
It's double standards everywhere. It amazes me that many people JUST CAN'T BE BOTHERED to deal with the fact that yes, they're really are male rape survivors. No, they're not all gay, they're not all somehow inferior to everybody else, etc. But right now, they're your worst nightmare, right? Which means you can't be bothered.
Why can't someone take 1 minute out of "their incredibly hectic day" and say, I'm sorry you were raped. And then give them a hug?:
I don't know you that well.
I don't want to be sued.
I can't be bothered.
I don't know what to say. So I'll take the easy way out.
If it seems like the whole world can't be bothered, is it any suprise that more people don't come forward? No disrespect to women survivors. But what's the point if nobody will show even a tiny amount of basic human decency?
I don't get it.
It's December 1st. The Dow is down almost 700 points. We are now "officially" in a recession in the States. Can this get any weirder? Was your holiday weekend good? For me, a lot of it was fighting nasty dissociating and adrenalin surges. Also, your fight-or-flight mechanism is a big problem too. I still have problems getting past that block. When you feel like everything is caving in on you, what do you do then?
My therapist says, ground yourself as best you can. But even if you do that, you still get hit from all sides. You fight to focus because you know you have no choice. However, what happens when the despair hits? And you feel like the rest of the world says f**k off, mate. Nobody cares about you.
What do yo do then? Hurting yourself won't help anything. But then again, nobody has the time or the patience to listen. I realize that not all therapist worldwide are exactly the same. Many do good things. However, when you feel like you're getting the I-don't-care-about-you attitude, what do you do then? You don't exist, f**k heath insurance, you deal with it. I can help you. But first read all of my best sellers(on sale now for $29.95) before we start.
And some people actually say "we have the greatest health care in the world in the States." How much is their retainer from the HMO and drug company lobbies?
It's double standards everywhere. It amazes me that many people JUST CAN'T BE BOTHERED to deal with the fact that yes, they're really are male rape survivors. No, they're not all gay, they're not all somehow inferior to everybody else, etc. But right now, they're your worst nightmare, right? Which means you can't be bothered.
Why can't someone take 1 minute out of "their incredibly hectic day" and say, I'm sorry you were raped. And then give them a hug?:
I don't know you that well.
I don't want to be sued.
I can't be bothered.
I don't know what to say. So I'll take the easy way out.
If it seems like the whole world can't be bothered, is it any suprise that more people don't come forward? No disrespect to women survivors. But what's the point if nobody will show even a tiny amount of basic human decency?
I don't get it.
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Flexibility is the Key
This blog is one person's fight to survive and heal from PTSD from repeated rape. Sometimes "triggers" are used to make points. If these bother you, stop reading now. Otherwise, keep going and thanks for the support.
Sometimes you're frustrated because you don't know where to go. For guy survivors, it's worse because nobody will take you seriously. If you're a woman survivor, that's different. But for guys, nobody will acknowledge you.
So how do you not sink to that level of anger and frustration? If you feel like an orphan, how do you keep your balance?
First, as best you can, try to face this head on. Deal with what you can. Everything all at once is just too difficult. My multiples and little kid trust me more. But even with EMDR, they're scared because how do you deal with NOBODY CAES? Unfortunately that's the truth. And it will never change.
We choose to go on as positively as possible. We do all the positive holistic stuff. Still though, at times the despair hits. The whole world isn't beating on your ass saying WE DON'T LIKE YOU. But it feels like it.
What helps you to deal with this? Feel free to post your comments. If you know of other helpful links, please post those as well. The number of links here is starting to go up. Keep plugging away and peace.
Sometimes you're frustrated because you don't know where to go. For guy survivors, it's worse because nobody will take you seriously. If you're a woman survivor, that's different. But for guys, nobody will acknowledge you.
So how do you not sink to that level of anger and frustration? If you feel like an orphan, how do you keep your balance?
First, as best you can, try to face this head on. Deal with what you can. Everything all at once is just too difficult. My multiples and little kid trust me more. But even with EMDR, they're scared because how do you deal with NOBODY CAES? Unfortunately that's the truth. And it will never change.
We choose to go on as positively as possible. We do all the positive holistic stuff. Still though, at times the despair hits. The whole world isn't beating on your ass saying WE DON'T LIKE YOU. But it feels like it.
What helps you to deal with this? Feel free to post your comments. If you know of other helpful links, please post those as well. The number of links here is starting to go up. Keep plugging away and peace.
How to Balance
This is one person's fight against PTSD from being raped. Sometimes I use "triggers"(sights, sounds and more)to get points across. Never to trigger any survivors. If this bothers you, stop reading now. Otherwise, continue and please link this blog everywhere you can.
Another day of fighting dissociating. Tai chi and meditation (along with herbs and tea help). But at times there's the despair. You have to focus really hard to try and stay grounded. And compartmentalize it all. Because I don't know what else to do.
Sometimes you have to really filter out a lot so your intuition can function. Because if you don't, it's like getting bombarded with millions of wi-fi streams. I'm getting better at catching dissociating patterns. Which helps to stay away from the soft-core porn. It's like medicated alcoholics who get sick if they drink again. If I do this dissociating is severe. And then it takes forever to fight your way out of rituals, dissociating and the rest of it.
What helps you to stay focused? What would you like to see here? Any constructive ideas would be great.
Also keep in mind that everything is anonymous here. No secret files, ISP lists or any of that. Think of this as a outlet to help you cope. But like anything on the Net, any links you could post would be helpful. There are some. But I could always use more.
Have a nice night.
Another day of fighting dissociating. Tai chi and meditation (along with herbs and tea help). But at times there's the despair. You have to focus really hard to try and stay grounded. And compartmentalize it all. Because I don't know what else to do.
Sometimes you have to really filter out a lot so your intuition can function. Because if you don't, it's like getting bombarded with millions of wi-fi streams. I'm getting better at catching dissociating patterns. Which helps to stay away from the soft-core porn. It's like medicated alcoholics who get sick if they drink again. If I do this dissociating is severe. And then it takes forever to fight your way out of rituals, dissociating and the rest of it.
What helps you to stay focused? What would you like to see here? Any constructive ideas would be great.
Also keep in mind that everything is anonymous here. No secret files, ISP lists or any of that. Think of this as a outlet to help you cope. But like anything on the Net, any links you could post would be helpful. There are some. But I could always use more.
Have a nice night.
Friday, November 28, 2008
Friday Thoughts
This blog is one person's fight against PTSD from repeated rape. Occasionally "triggers" (sights, sounds and more) are used to get points across. If these bother you, stop reading now. Otherwise, keep reading and thanks for the support.
How's your Gloabl Big Discount Day? Here in the States people lined up at midnight to be the first in a store and get a small gift card for their trouble. Usually it's a small amount ($25). Why not $25,000 to get some motivation (know what I'm saying)?
Still fighting to keep a balance. Everything has to be edited to protect against triggers. The despair still hits at times. But what else can you do but fight back?
How do you stop flashbacks and lucid dreams. Sometimes physical memory comes back too. Getting f****d in the ass. the sick a*****e that raped me going down on me, and other sick stuff. Why does this come back? Because it's my multiples and little kid's way to get the trauma out.
What helps you to handle this? Also, please feel free to link this blog everywhere you think it will help. It's content and promotion :).
How's your Gloabl Big Discount Day? Here in the States people lined up at midnight to be the first in a store and get a small gift card for their trouble. Usually it's a small amount ($25). Why not $25,000 to get some motivation (know what I'm saying)?
Still fighting to keep a balance. Everything has to be edited to protect against triggers. The despair still hits at times. But what else can you do but fight back?
How do you stop flashbacks and lucid dreams. Sometimes physical memory comes back too. Getting f****d in the ass. the sick a*****e that raped me going down on me, and other sick stuff. Why does this come back? Because it's my multiples and little kid's way to get the trauma out.
What helps you to handle this? Also, please feel free to link this blog everywhere you think it will help. It's content and promotion :).
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Holiday Coping
This blog contains one person's fight against PTSD from being repeatedly raped. At times "triggers" (sights, sounds and more) are used to make points. If these bother you, stop now. Otherwise, keep going and thanks for the support.
Happy Thanksgiving. Even if you're not really into it, it's still fun to take the break. Eat and drink heavily, watch your favorite sport on TV (even if it's American football and not PROPER football). But that's all right.
Howare you coping? I'm still going to EMDR. And my multiples and little kid want to continue, but gradually. One of the hardest things is the despair. You know something's wrong, you turn for help everywhere you can. And NOBODY listens. Under no circumstances will anybody acknowledge that you exist. You didn't want to go back to that sick m****rf****R'S house and get raped all voer again. You didn't want to feel like a f*****g piece of meat. He gets his rocks off and then, fuck off. And NOBODY will listen.
Is the whole world totally f****d up? If nobdy listens, what do we do? It makes you think to yourself, why should I ever talk to you again? But aside from the therapist and a few survivor pals, nobody can be bothered.
Sometimes twisted flashbacks or triggers come out of nowhere. And you really have to fight to focus and keep your balance. Otherwise, you'll snap. And I refuse to do that.
One herb that helps: Relaxing Sleep Tonic (made by Herb Pharm). It's a little easier to use than Kava. And especially now, using it 4 times a day.
If you have other stuff that helps, please post a comment.
Happy Thanksgiving. Even if you're not really into it, it's still fun to take the break. Eat and drink heavily, watch your favorite sport on TV (even if it's American football and not PROPER football). But that's all right.
Howare you coping? I'm still going to EMDR. And my multiples and little kid want to continue, but gradually. One of the hardest things is the despair. You know something's wrong, you turn for help everywhere you can. And NOBODY listens. Under no circumstances will anybody acknowledge that you exist. You didn't want to go back to that sick m****rf****R'S house and get raped all voer again. You didn't want to feel like a f*****g piece of meat. He gets his rocks off and then, fuck off. And NOBODY will listen.
Is the whole world totally f****d up? If nobdy listens, what do we do? It makes you think to yourself, why should I ever talk to you again? But aside from the therapist and a few survivor pals, nobody can be bothered.
Sometimes twisted flashbacks or triggers come out of nowhere. And you really have to fight to focus and keep your balance. Otherwise, you'll snap. And I refuse to do that.
One herb that helps: Relaxing Sleep Tonic (made by Herb Pharm). It's a little easier to use than Kava. And especially now, using it 4 times a day.
If you have other stuff that helps, please post a comment.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Maintain Your Balance
This blog is one person's daily battle against PTSD from repeated rape. Sometimes I use "triggers"(sights, sounds and more) to get points across. If these bother you, stop reading now. Otherwise, continue and thanks for the support.
It's Wednesday. And did YOU get your bailout yet? At this point, I don't know. Isn't it a little bizarre when you call your financial advisor? And after 3 minutes you're thinking, I know about this stuff than he does. And then you find out he's on parole after doing time for insider trading. Can it get any weirder?
How are you coping these days? One key for me is no more regular TV. I haven't watched any in 3 days now. If it's a movie or ESPN, that's different. But even if you do that, you have to edit for triggers all the time. Because when you least expect it something comes out of nowhere. And then it takes hours to fight your way out of dissociating and then feel like you have some balance again.
Not always, but at times I feel like I'm going to literally snap in two. If I go out, I still have to plan it all out. Where am I going? Is it safe? How many triggers are there? What if there's no place to hide? What do I do then?
You go into some crowded store, and everything is dangerous. Every sight and sound is magnified to the Nth degree. Every person is a potential threat. How do I stop them? My intuition is very sharp. I feel like I'm aware of everything within 6 feet of me. If somebody comes up from behind, what do I do? Are they going to grab me? What's my nearest weapon? How do I stop them? Where do I strike first? Imagine you go into a store and you have to fight your way thru all of this. Nobody's actually going to kill you with a AK-47. But your multiples and little kid say, they're a threat. So you HAVE to fight back. We are not going to get raped ever again.
You go to the checkout line. And you feel like beating the s**t out of the checkout person. You get the usual questions. Did you find everything ok? Actually, no. I'm having really bad dissociating right now and I want to beat your ass into the ground. Do they know what PTSD is? Probably. Are they a trauma survivor? Who knows.
You get back to your car and go back home. But even with that there's still that feeling at times that the world says, you don't exist. If it's a woman rape survivor, that's sad but "normal." If it's a guy, you freak us out. Go away. You try not to dwell on the standard trauma survivor crap that people put out. On the other hand you do all the positive things to keep a balance. And despite all that nobody will ever stoop so low and admit that yes, you are their worst nightmare. And we don't like you.
Will the world end if you do? Since I got raped, NOBODY has EVER touched me and said, I'm sorry you were raped. Nobody's ever acknowledged me face to face, ever. Why is that? Can't they spare 3 freaking minutes in their "busy" day? Is some basic human decency so incredibly difficult to do? But no. It's like a large AA meeting. When it's done everybody's gone. Which leaves you standing there thinking, why did I drive a hour to come here, talk about this. And now it's a complete waste of time?
Flashbacks and lucid dreams still happen too. It's like you really have to focus hard to not lose sense of what's real and what's not. Imagine on a really bad day having to deal with that AND everything else. But remember, nobody will say anything to you. Under no circumstances will anybody ever admit that you're there. Because the bottom line is, the world sucks. So just carry on, mate.
Newsflash. People are not light switches. You can't turn your emotions on and off just like that so as not to inconvenience others. I've been banned from two support sites just because I'm a guy survivor. So where do I go for help? No disrespect to women survivors. But if you're a vet, what happens? You get a Congressional hearing, some soundbites, and some attention.
When was the last time you saw a Congressional hearing for guy rape survivors (vets or civilians)?
If I appeared before one, would anything come out of it? Would C-SPAN run it really late at night (when they know that only the hardcore C-SPAN junkies are watching)? I've done one radio interview that went well. Instead of the normal 15 to 20 calls for women survivors, they only had 2. Which means that people stopped in their tracks and actually had to face reality for an hour?
The good news? Despite all the s**t that's happened, I'm still here.
It's Wednesday. And did YOU get your bailout yet? At this point, I don't know. Isn't it a little bizarre when you call your financial advisor? And after 3 minutes you're thinking, I know about this stuff than he does. And then you find out he's on parole after doing time for insider trading. Can it get any weirder?
How are you coping these days? One key for me is no more regular TV. I haven't watched any in 3 days now. If it's a movie or ESPN, that's different. But even if you do that, you have to edit for triggers all the time. Because when you least expect it something comes out of nowhere. And then it takes hours to fight your way out of dissociating and then feel like you have some balance again.
Not always, but at times I feel like I'm going to literally snap in two. If I go out, I still have to plan it all out. Where am I going? Is it safe? How many triggers are there? What if there's no place to hide? What do I do then?
You go into some crowded store, and everything is dangerous. Every sight and sound is magnified to the Nth degree. Every person is a potential threat. How do I stop them? My intuition is very sharp. I feel like I'm aware of everything within 6 feet of me. If somebody comes up from behind, what do I do? Are they going to grab me? What's my nearest weapon? How do I stop them? Where do I strike first? Imagine you go into a store and you have to fight your way thru all of this. Nobody's actually going to kill you with a AK-47. But your multiples and little kid say, they're a threat. So you HAVE to fight back. We are not going to get raped ever again.
You go to the checkout line. And you feel like beating the s**t out of the checkout person. You get the usual questions. Did you find everything ok? Actually, no. I'm having really bad dissociating right now and I want to beat your ass into the ground. Do they know what PTSD is? Probably. Are they a trauma survivor? Who knows.
You get back to your car and go back home. But even with that there's still that feeling at times that the world says, you don't exist. If it's a woman rape survivor, that's sad but "normal." If it's a guy, you freak us out. Go away. You try not to dwell on the standard trauma survivor crap that people put out. On the other hand you do all the positive things to keep a balance. And despite all that nobody will ever stoop so low and admit that yes, you are their worst nightmare. And we don't like you.
Will the world end if you do? Since I got raped, NOBODY has EVER touched me and said, I'm sorry you were raped. Nobody's ever acknowledged me face to face, ever. Why is that? Can't they spare 3 freaking minutes in their "busy" day? Is some basic human decency so incredibly difficult to do? But no. It's like a large AA meeting. When it's done everybody's gone. Which leaves you standing there thinking, why did I drive a hour to come here, talk about this. And now it's a complete waste of time?
Flashbacks and lucid dreams still happen too. It's like you really have to focus hard to not lose sense of what's real and what's not. Imagine on a really bad day having to deal with that AND everything else. But remember, nobody will say anything to you. Under no circumstances will anybody ever admit that you're there. Because the bottom line is, the world sucks. So just carry on, mate.
Newsflash. People are not light switches. You can't turn your emotions on and off just like that so as not to inconvenience others. I've been banned from two support sites just because I'm a guy survivor. So where do I go for help? No disrespect to women survivors. But if you're a vet, what happens? You get a Congressional hearing, some soundbites, and some attention.
When was the last time you saw a Congressional hearing for guy rape survivors (vets or civilians)?
If I appeared before one, would anything come out of it? Would C-SPAN run it really late at night (when they know that only the hardcore C-SPAN junkies are watching)? I've done one radio interview that went well. Instead of the normal 15 to 20 calls for women survivors, they only had 2. Which means that people stopped in their tracks and actually had to face reality for an hour?
The good news? Despite all the s**t that's happened, I'm still here.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Keeping a Balance
This blog is one person's fight against horrible PTSD from being repeatedly raped. Occaisonally I use "triggers" (sights, sounds and more) to help get points across. If these bother you, stop reading now. Otherwise, keep going and thanks for the support.
Kicking back in the weekend with NO noise. Lately triggers are everywhere. It's the whole range: sights, sounds, faces, noises, colors and more. Which means everything has to be edited. The flower essence helps some (along with almost no caffeine, junk food, sugar and other stuff). However, you still have to watch your step. Sometimes when you go out everything is magnified and you don't know what to expect.
How do you keep your balance? I know that there are a lot of survivors out there. But especially now, everybody is justifiably cautious. ID hackers can basically do anything they want (if they have the imagination and code writing skill). But that's ok.
How do you cope with a stuck fight-or-flight mechanism? Mine at times is still stuck. Especially when dissociating happens. It's like you have to focus really hard to push past that. My therapist says to pace yourself. Which in a way is good. But also, it's rough living in parallel realities. On the outside you're cool and calm. But on the inside you're ready to kill.
Will anybody ever acknowledge all trauma survivors in the same way? Probably not for a long time. Obama's talking about possibly appointing Tammy Duckworth to a high level job. If he allows her the freedom to bring about actual change and not the usual token crap, that's one thing. I wonder if she would ever talk about guy rape survivors still serving?
Nightmares still happen as well. One minute you think you're doing ok. And then the next it's despair and you don't know what to do. Others always talk about it evening out (like in sobriety). But at times you want to say, maybe so. Still, YOU'RE not the one who's fighting all of this stuff.
Have you had success with anything like Kava or HTP-5? What about using a little tea vs. green tea? I also do meditation and Tai-chi to try and maintain some calmness. Other things (like karate, kendo, ju-jitsu and others) do different things with chi. Tai-chi is the only one that I know of that allows you to focus on the chi and not just the movements.
If you have any suggestions, please post them here.
Peace
Kicking back in the weekend with NO noise. Lately triggers are everywhere. It's the whole range: sights, sounds, faces, noises, colors and more. Which means everything has to be edited. The flower essence helps some (along with almost no caffeine, junk food, sugar and other stuff). However, you still have to watch your step. Sometimes when you go out everything is magnified and you don't know what to expect.
How do you keep your balance? I know that there are a lot of survivors out there. But especially now, everybody is justifiably cautious. ID hackers can basically do anything they want (if they have the imagination and code writing skill). But that's ok.
How do you cope with a stuck fight-or-flight mechanism? Mine at times is still stuck. Especially when dissociating happens. It's like you have to focus really hard to push past that. My therapist says to pace yourself. Which in a way is good. But also, it's rough living in parallel realities. On the outside you're cool and calm. But on the inside you're ready to kill.
Will anybody ever acknowledge all trauma survivors in the same way? Probably not for a long time. Obama's talking about possibly appointing Tammy Duckworth to a high level job. If he allows her the freedom to bring about actual change and not the usual token crap, that's one thing. I wonder if she would ever talk about guy rape survivors still serving?
Nightmares still happen as well. One minute you think you're doing ok. And then the next it's despair and you don't know what to do. Others always talk about it evening out (like in sobriety). But at times you want to say, maybe so. Still, YOU'RE not the one who's fighting all of this stuff.
Have you had success with anything like Kava or HTP-5? What about using a little tea vs. green tea? I also do meditation and Tai-chi to try and maintain some calmness. Other things (like karate, kendo, ju-jitsu and others) do different things with chi. Tai-chi is the only one that I know of that allows you to focus on the chi and not just the movements.
If you have any suggestions, please post them here.
Peace
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Coping Skills for Us
This blog is one person's daily struggle against PTSD from beign repeatedly raped. It's the only one on the Net that's written by a civilian. Occasionally, "triggers" (sights, sounds and more) are used to get points across.
If these bother you, stop reading now. If not, keep going and thanks for the support.
Sorry for not posting for a while. Did you get YOUR bailout yet? The key things are accountability and trust. And nobody worldwide trusts anybody. Do any of the power elite that are working this Big Bailout out ever worry about being homeless or losing their job? Probably not....
Went back to therapy after a 2 week break. And a lot was horrible. My multiples and my little kid have a lot to get out. So we used EMDR and I thought we were going to pass out. Imagine being in an electric chair and your whole body feels like it's going to snap. On the other hand it needs to come out in a safe way.
Right now, it feels like almost everything is a trigger. Everyday it means edit everything you see and hear. Do every holistic thing you can to keep a balance.
What are some things that help me?:
Green tea
HTP 5 (to help deal with depression)
Flower essences
and other herbs
What helps you to cope? FYI: About 400 people are regular readers here. Which is sad that so many people are fighting this. But positive also that they're reaching out.
Feel free to pass this blog onto anybody that can benefit from it. Everything is anonymous. And like they say, it's content and promotion.
If these bother you, stop reading now. If not, keep going and thanks for the support.
Sorry for not posting for a while. Did you get YOUR bailout yet? The key things are accountability and trust. And nobody worldwide trusts anybody. Do any of the power elite that are working this Big Bailout out ever worry about being homeless or losing their job? Probably not....
Went back to therapy after a 2 week break. And a lot was horrible. My multiples and my little kid have a lot to get out. So we used EMDR and I thought we were going to pass out. Imagine being in an electric chair and your whole body feels like it's going to snap. On the other hand it needs to come out in a safe way.
Right now, it feels like almost everything is a trigger. Everyday it means edit everything you see and hear. Do every holistic thing you can to keep a balance.
What are some things that help me?:
Green tea
HTP 5 (to help deal with depression)
Flower essences
and other herbs
What helps you to cope? FYI: About 400 people are regular readers here. Which is sad that so many people are fighting this. But positive also that they're reaching out.
Feel free to pass this blog onto anybody that can benefit from it. Everything is anonymous. And like they say, it's content and promotion.
Monday, October 13, 2008
A Lot to Talk About
NOTE: This blog contains one person's daily fight against PTSD from being raped. Sometimes I use "triggers" (sights, sounds, etc.) to get points across. If these bother you, stop reading. Otherwise, keep going and thanks for the support.
What's going on? Are you surviving the extremes in the stock market, election and more? Lately dissociating has been a real pain in the ass to deal with. You fight to keep some sense of balance. And it feels like nobody (other than your therapist?) can be bothered to listen. Why can't you have one day free of symptoms? Other survivors say these cycles are normal. But then again, it would be nice to have one day free of this s**t.
Other good stuff. The big WBAI-FM interview went over well. And this time, only two or three calls (instead of the usual 15 to 20). It's good that this made people stop and think what it's like for a guy rape survivor. If you or someone else wants a copy of this, get in touch. It's available in 4 formats: podcast, MP3, CD or tape.
Also, I'll try and catch up on links to save you time and help you when you need it the most. I can't be responsible for all changes in all links. So instead, if you know of a dead link or something else that's happened, post a message and I'll change it.
Anythign else on your mind? If you post a comment, remember that no master data base is kept here. It's all anonymous.
What's going on? Are you surviving the extremes in the stock market, election and more? Lately dissociating has been a real pain in the ass to deal with. You fight to keep some sense of balance. And it feels like nobody (other than your therapist?) can be bothered to listen. Why can't you have one day free of symptoms? Other survivors say these cycles are normal. But then again, it would be nice to have one day free of this s**t.
Other good stuff. The big WBAI-FM interview went over well. And this time, only two or three calls (instead of the usual 15 to 20). It's good that this made people stop and think what it's like for a guy rape survivor. If you or someone else wants a copy of this, get in touch. It's available in 4 formats: podcast, MP3, CD or tape.
Also, I'll try and catch up on links to save you time and help you when you need it the most. I can't be responsible for all changes in all links. So instead, if you know of a dead link or something else that's happened, post a message and I'll change it.
Anythign else on your mind? If you post a comment, remember that no master data base is kept here. It's all anonymous.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Big News
NOTE: This blog is one person's fight against PTSD from repeated rape. Occasionally I use triggers (sights, sounds and more) to get points across. If these bother you, please stop now. Otherwise, keep reading and thanks for the support.
Sorry for the gap in posts. BIG NEWS! Thursday night, 9/24 at 10 p.m. EST. www.wbai.org has a show called Rape Survivor's Forum. Yours truly will be the first guy survivor interview ever. Please spread the word and hope you can tune in. If not, you can get the podcast. Also there will be other outlets to get it as well coming soon.
Thanks for the support and see you on the radio!
Sorry for the gap in posts. BIG NEWS! Thursday night, 9/24 at 10 p.m. EST. www.wbai.org has a show called Rape Survivor's Forum. Yours truly will be the first guy survivor interview ever. Please spread the word and hope you can tune in. If not, you can get the podcast. Also there will be other outlets to get it as well coming soon.
Thanks for the support and see you on the radio!
Monday, September 15, 2008
Getting Slammed Hard
NOTE: This blog contains one person's battle against PTSD from rape. Occasionally I use "triggers" to get key points across (sights, sounds, and other disturbing things). If these bother you, stop reading now. Otherwise, keep going and thanks for your support.
Happy Really Depressed Stock Market Monday. The Dow was down at one point over 500 ponts. The big question: will the Fed let AIG go bankrupt? Or will they give in after the other major banks and sources of capital say screw this, you do it. The "expert commentators" can go on all day about it. But the bottom line is that if it goes bankrupt, it'll be horrible shockwaves throught the economy. In an election year. And what's even worse? The two major campaigns will avoid it at all costs until they're forced to stop (for a short time) stupid ass idiotic attack ads and talk about real issues and answers.
How are you holding up in your healing? lately I've been getting hit hard. Horrible dissociating, flashbacks and more. My therapist and others keep saying eventually it evens out. But I'm thinking, you're not the ones who have this all the time.
Triggers are EVERYWHERE. No TV, no radio (unless it's a big story or world emergency). My laptop is down due to a hardrive error. So a step at a time.
But how do you keep from just snapping? In the morning I open my eyes and it takes time to focus and stop screaming because the dissociating is so bad. Everything has to be edited. if not, it takes literally hours to focus and then be able to go on. What do you do when it feels like the rest of the world is happy and you're stuck at home screaming trying not to snap? My multiples, little kid and I all know that it's not our fault. We didn't ask to be raped or treated like s**t everywhere we go for help. So what do we do? A stuck fight-or-flight mechanism is still a huge problem. But it feels like the whole world says you don't exist. A woman rape survivor we can deal with. But guys? No way. We just don't talk about this kind of thing.
Nobody listens and nobody can be bothered. So what do you do?
NOTE: Thanks for the ongoing support. FYI: I do keep track of the hits that I get here. BUT, nothing beyond that. So be assured that if you post something here, nobody's keeping a secret data base on you that's in some NSA supercomputer.
Happy Really Depressed Stock Market Monday. The Dow was down at one point over 500 ponts. The big question: will the Fed let AIG go bankrupt? Or will they give in after the other major banks and sources of capital say screw this, you do it. The "expert commentators" can go on all day about it. But the bottom line is that if it goes bankrupt, it'll be horrible shockwaves throught the economy. In an election year. And what's even worse? The two major campaigns will avoid it at all costs until they're forced to stop (for a short time) stupid ass idiotic attack ads and talk about real issues and answers.
How are you holding up in your healing? lately I've been getting hit hard. Horrible dissociating, flashbacks and more. My therapist and others keep saying eventually it evens out. But I'm thinking, you're not the ones who have this all the time.
Triggers are EVERYWHERE. No TV, no radio (unless it's a big story or world emergency). My laptop is down due to a hardrive error. So a step at a time.
But how do you keep from just snapping? In the morning I open my eyes and it takes time to focus and stop screaming because the dissociating is so bad. Everything has to be edited. if not, it takes literally hours to focus and then be able to go on. What do you do when it feels like the rest of the world is happy and you're stuck at home screaming trying not to snap? My multiples, little kid and I all know that it's not our fault. We didn't ask to be raped or treated like s**t everywhere we go for help. So what do we do? A stuck fight-or-flight mechanism is still a huge problem. But it feels like the whole world says you don't exist. A woman rape survivor we can deal with. But guys? No way. We just don't talk about this kind of thing.
Nobody listens and nobody can be bothered. So what do you do?
NOTE: Thanks for the ongoing support. FYI: I do keep track of the hits that I get here. BUT, nothing beyond that. So be assured that if you post something here, nobody's keeping a secret data base on you that's in some NSA supercomputer.
Monday, September 8, 2008
It's All in the Balance
NOTE: This blog is a male rape survivor's battle with PTSD. Occasionally I use some "triggers" (sights, sounds and more) to get points across. If these bother you, stop reading now. Otherwise, keep going and thanks for the support.
Hi there. Sorry for the long gap between posts. How are you coping these days? Some good news in a sense: the number of readers here continues to grow. But no worries about privacy. Just feel free to post a comment sometime if you want to.
These days, I'm not sure what it is. But I'm getting hammered REALLY HARD every day with dissociating and crippling fear. For half the day my multiples, little kid and I all held each other tight and were battered by dissociating. We were screaming and fighting not to vanish. Now it feels like more of the same.
What's the other trauma? Did somebody else rape me too? Is it something else? But the terror is there.
Also there is the feeling of gettig beaten down. The world will not tolerate any talk about male rape survivors. If you're a woman, that's horrible but "normal." This other s**t is just too weird.
So you fix it. You go away and take care of this because you were the one who was stupid enought to get raped more than once. But don't expect any sympathy from anybody. And, you're not allowed to have any emotion about this either. Because we just don't tolerate crap like this.
Where then are you supposed to go? You scream, you cry, you fight back or fall on the floor out of desperation. But no matter what, nobody will help you (other than your therapist or if you're lucky a support line). The truth is those are few and far between. No disrespect to those volunteers who try to help. But the truth is many of them sound like they're reading from a script. The mental health cuts continue because the war comes first.
So where do trauma survivors fit in? Guy survivors count just as much as vets and everybody else. But naturally there's no way in hell the corporate MSM would ever stoop that low and actually talk about this in an election year. Instead, let's have "news specials" which are really free campaign ads for McCain. As for the rest of you, f**k off. Nobody cares about you.
Where do you go then? I'm not going to use again or hurt myself. Because I refuse to give these assholes the satisfaction. But sometimes it feels like there's nowhere to go or cry. And what do you do then?
Hi there. Sorry for the long gap between posts. How are you coping these days? Some good news in a sense: the number of readers here continues to grow. But no worries about privacy. Just feel free to post a comment sometime if you want to.
These days, I'm not sure what it is. But I'm getting hammered REALLY HARD every day with dissociating and crippling fear. For half the day my multiples, little kid and I all held each other tight and were battered by dissociating. We were screaming and fighting not to vanish. Now it feels like more of the same.
What's the other trauma? Did somebody else rape me too? Is it something else? But the terror is there.
Also there is the feeling of gettig beaten down. The world will not tolerate any talk about male rape survivors. If you're a woman, that's horrible but "normal." This other s**t is just too weird.
So you fix it. You go away and take care of this because you were the one who was stupid enought to get raped more than once. But don't expect any sympathy from anybody. And, you're not allowed to have any emotion about this either. Because we just don't tolerate crap like this.
Where then are you supposed to go? You scream, you cry, you fight back or fall on the floor out of desperation. But no matter what, nobody will help you (other than your therapist or if you're lucky a support line). The truth is those are few and far between. No disrespect to those volunteers who try to help. But the truth is many of them sound like they're reading from a script. The mental health cuts continue because the war comes first.
So where do trauma survivors fit in? Guy survivors count just as much as vets and everybody else. But naturally there's no way in hell the corporate MSM would ever stoop that low and actually talk about this in an election year. Instead, let's have "news specials" which are really free campaign ads for McCain. As for the rest of you, f**k off. Nobody cares about you.
Where do you go then? I'm not going to use again or hurt myself. Because I refuse to give these assholes the satisfaction. But sometimes it feels like there's nowhere to go or cry. And what do you do then?
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Good News and Bad News
NOTE: This blog talks about one person fighting PTSD from sex abuse. Sometimes I use "triggers" (sights, sounds and more) to get points across. If these bother you, stop reading now. Otherwise, keep going. And thanks for the support.
Sorry for the posting gap. But it's long hours of fighting symptoms, job hunting and more.
Good news first. I did an interview with a very famous FM station about being a rape survivor, PTSD and more. If they don't change their mind, it's supposed to air in September. More on this as it happens.
Now the bad news. I still have nightmares, dissociating and all the rest of it. Some counselors have told me that having the lucid dreams is horrible but a normal sign of your body/mind trying to deal with being raped. Also, for the past three days I've heard various people online talking about rape, and other forms of abuse. But NOT ONCE did anybody say, and yes, guys getting raped is really horrible too.
How come I don't count? I'm tempted sometimes to call these people and say something. But then I think, other than this recent interview, what's the point? My multiples, my little kid and I all feel like the world is beating us down and saying NOBODY CARES ABOUT YOU. Nobody wants anything to do with you. And we will NEVER EVER talk about this s**t. Because this is just too f*****g weird.
What are you supposed to do then?
Sorry for the posting gap. But it's long hours of fighting symptoms, job hunting and more.
Good news first. I did an interview with a very famous FM station about being a rape survivor, PTSD and more. If they don't change their mind, it's supposed to air in September. More on this as it happens.
Now the bad news. I still have nightmares, dissociating and all the rest of it. Some counselors have told me that having the lucid dreams is horrible but a normal sign of your body/mind trying to deal with being raped. Also, for the past three days I've heard various people online talking about rape, and other forms of abuse. But NOT ONCE did anybody say, and yes, guys getting raped is really horrible too.
How come I don't count? I'm tempted sometimes to call these people and say something. But then I think, other than this recent interview, what's the point? My multiples, my little kid and I all feel like the world is beating us down and saying NOBODY CARES ABOUT YOU. Nobody wants anything to do with you. And we will NEVER EVER talk about this s**t. Because this is just too f*****g weird.
What are you supposed to do then?
Thursday, August 7, 2008
What Do I Do Now?
NOTE: This blog is about a trauma survivor's battle against PTSD from being raped. Occasionally I use "triggers" (sights, sounds and more) to help get points across. If these bother you, stop reading now. Otherwise, keep going and thanks for the support.
Some good news for a change. I'm finding more new job openings and more potential contacts. It's a LOT of work (where's my personal assistant?). Plus I'm still going to therapy and dealing with symptoms.
Taking Kava and HTP-5 are helping some with dissociating. But my multiples and little kid keep talking about there's something else. What is it? Did somebody else rape me? They say no. Ok, so then what is it? I'm being as easy as I can so nobody loses trust.
There's also the fear of disappearing. Does this fear ever go away?
Some good news for a change. I'm finding more new job openings and more potential contacts. It's a LOT of work (where's my personal assistant?). Plus I'm still going to therapy and dealing with symptoms.
Taking Kava and HTP-5 are helping some with dissociating. But my multiples and little kid keep talking about there's something else. What is it? Did somebody else rape me? They say no. Ok, so then what is it? I'm being as easy as I can so nobody loses trust.
There's also the fear of disappearing. Does this fear ever go away?
Saturday, August 2, 2008
Let's Catch Up
NOTE: This blog contains explicit content about PTSD from sex abuse. At times, "triggers" are used to get point across. Some examples:
sights and sounds
key words or phrases
colors
music samples and more
If these bother you, stop reading now. If not, keep going and thanks for the support.
Sorry it's been a while. Doing ok right now? I'm struggling still with dissociating and flashbacks as well. Sometimes when I go out, I'm driivng and flashbacks hit. And for a second I don't know where I am. Which means it's really hard to focus (especially if you can't pull over).
My multiples and little kid talk every night about their terror and fear. Is there more trauma that we haven't dealt with? I think there is. But they're not ready to talk about it. Which means that at times it's debilitating. One minute you think everything is ok. And then you sit in the corner and feel terrified. Every sight and sound is amplified. Is it safe to go outside or not? Will anybody jump us or not? If we go into a store or a some other crowded place, will we be ok or not? Many times I have to be really careful so triggers won't happen and mess things up. Is it ok to go in or not? If you go in, will somebody jump me or not? That person's looking at me. But what do they really want?
Will anybody listen to us or not? Outside of the therapist, it feels like nobody can be bothered. You freak us out, just go away. Or, if you want to share on this support site you do what we say. Which means, where do we go? If everybody can't be bothered, what do we do? Do you just shut up and carry on because that's just the way the world is? Or do you do something else?
I try to do all the right holistic things to keep the stress down. But still, sometimes I feel like I'm going to snap. You fight symptoms all day long AND do all the other stuff that you have to do. And then what do you do? Some people say, the world is full of suffering, you do your best, etc. But still, it would be nice to have just one day with NO symptoms.
Or, it would be nice to have someone actually put their arms around me and say, I'm sorry you were raped. If nobody ever does that, what do you do? How come nobody would ever do that? Because if they do they'll get raped too? Because you're their worst nightmare. And who the hell wants to face their worst nightmare?
If you have any suggestions on how to cope, please post.
sights and sounds
key words or phrases
colors
music samples and more
If these bother you, stop reading now. If not, keep going and thanks for the support.
Sorry it's been a while. Doing ok right now? I'm struggling still with dissociating and flashbacks as well. Sometimes when I go out, I'm driivng and flashbacks hit. And for a second I don't know where I am. Which means it's really hard to focus (especially if you can't pull over).
My multiples and little kid talk every night about their terror and fear. Is there more trauma that we haven't dealt with? I think there is. But they're not ready to talk about it. Which means that at times it's debilitating. One minute you think everything is ok. And then you sit in the corner and feel terrified. Every sight and sound is amplified. Is it safe to go outside or not? Will anybody jump us or not? If we go into a store or a some other crowded place, will we be ok or not? Many times I have to be really careful so triggers won't happen and mess things up. Is it ok to go in or not? If you go in, will somebody jump me or not? That person's looking at me. But what do they really want?
Will anybody listen to us or not? Outside of the therapist, it feels like nobody can be bothered. You freak us out, just go away. Or, if you want to share on this support site you do what we say. Which means, where do we go? If everybody can't be bothered, what do we do? Do you just shut up and carry on because that's just the way the world is? Or do you do something else?
I try to do all the right holistic things to keep the stress down. But still, sometimes I feel like I'm going to snap. You fight symptoms all day long AND do all the other stuff that you have to do. And then what do you do? Some people say, the world is full of suffering, you do your best, etc. But still, it would be nice to have just one day with NO symptoms.
Or, it would be nice to have someone actually put their arms around me and say, I'm sorry you were raped. If nobody ever does that, what do you do? How come nobody would ever do that? Because if they do they'll get raped too? Because you're their worst nightmare. And who the hell wants to face their worst nightmare?
If you have any suggestions on how to cope, please post.
Sunday, July 20, 2008
What's Next?
NOTE: This blog talks about the struggles of one rape survivor's battle with PTSD. Occasionally "triggers" are used to make a point (sights, sounds, and more).
If these bother you, stop reading now. Otherwise, keep going and thanks for the support.
I know. Long time, no posts. Busy with finding the new job, going back to therapy. And nasty dissociating.
I still fall down, cry and d0n't know what to do. You fight to keep a balance and do the right thing. And what happens? It feels like the whole world is beating down on you. And nobody cares. So shut up and deal with it. But under NO circumstances will you ever do this around anyone else.
What are you supposed to do?
If these bother you, stop reading now. Otherwise, keep going and thanks for the support.
I know. Long time, no posts. Busy with finding the new job, going back to therapy. And nasty dissociating.
I still fall down, cry and d0n't know what to do. You fight to keep a balance and do the right thing. And what happens? It feels like the whole world is beating down on you. And nobody cares. So shut up and deal with it. But under NO circumstances will you ever do this around anyone else.
What are you supposed to do?
Monday, July 14, 2008
I Wanna Scream
NOTE: This blog deals with one person's fight to survive PTSD from sex abuse. Sometimes I use "triggers" (sights, sounds, etc.) to add to key points. If these bother you, stop reading now. Otherwise, keep going and thanks for the support.
It's been a rough day. Fighting dissociating all day long. No matter what I do I can't break out of it. It's like your fight-or-flight mechanism just won't work. So what do you do? Your body/mind keeps throwing out more dissociating which you don't want. So what do you do? FINALLY I get through it and feel some balance again.
Does this happen to you? What do you do to keep your balance? When nothing works and you feel like you're going to snap, what keeps you from falling apart? I don't wanna hide in the bathroom anymore. I don't wanna punch out walls because it hurts too much. So what do you do?
It's been a rough day. Fighting dissociating all day long. No matter what I do I can't break out of it. It's like your fight-or-flight mechanism just won't work. So what do you do? Your body/mind keeps throwing out more dissociating which you don't want. So what do you do? FINALLY I get through it and feel some balance again.
Does this happen to you? What do you do to keep your balance? When nothing works and you feel like you're going to snap, what keeps you from falling apart? I don't wanna hide in the bathroom anymore. I don't wanna punch out walls because it hurts too much. So what do you do?
Sunday, July 6, 2008
Feeling Really Battered
NOTE: This blog contains occasional use of "triggers" to help explain battling PTSD from sex abuse. These can be many things:
sights
sounds
colors
key phrases
a loud noise
and more
If these bother you, stop reading now. Otherwise, keep going and thanks for your support.
Have a nice holiday weekend? Almost Monday and back to the grind. This weekend has been rough with a lot of symptoms. Dissociating has been really nasty. Adrenalin surges still happen, and you really have to focus to not lose sensation in different parts of your body.
Not only that, but there's lots of sadness too. It feels like nobody listens or cares. Literally everybody (aside from my therapist) can't be bothered. So what do you do? If I sink down to their level that's totally screwed. Instead I try to compartmentalize as best I can to keep going forward. But like everybody I have bad days and feel paralyzed.
What else do I do? I still edit triggers all the time. My fight-or-flight mechanism is still stuck. So for someone else, getting out of bad thoughts takes five seconds. for me, sometimes it takes an hour or more. Imagine then dealing with this every single day.
Sometimes I just fall down and cry. And literally don't know what else to do. If you have any suggestions on how to cope, please let me know.
sights
sounds
colors
key phrases
a loud noise
and more
If these bother you, stop reading now. Otherwise, keep going and thanks for your support.
Have a nice holiday weekend? Almost Monday and back to the grind. This weekend has been rough with a lot of symptoms. Dissociating has been really nasty. Adrenalin surges still happen, and you really have to focus to not lose sensation in different parts of your body.
Not only that, but there's lots of sadness too. It feels like nobody listens or cares. Literally everybody (aside from my therapist) can't be bothered. So what do you do? If I sink down to their level that's totally screwed. Instead I try to compartmentalize as best I can to keep going forward. But like everybody I have bad days and feel paralyzed.
What else do I do? I still edit triggers all the time. My fight-or-flight mechanism is still stuck. So for someone else, getting out of bad thoughts takes five seconds. for me, sometimes it takes an hour or more. Imagine then dealing with this every single day.
Sometimes I just fall down and cry. And literally don't know what else to do. If you have any suggestions on how to cope, please let me know.
Friday, June 27, 2008
Fighting Back Really Hard
This blog contains explicit content about one person fighting PTSD from sex abuse. Occasionally I use "triggers" to get points across. These can be things like sights, sounds, music samples, a key word and more. If these bother you, stop now. Otherwise, keep going and thanks for your support.
Went to my GP today. The good news? It's not cancer. The bad news? I felt trapped in the office when dissociaitng hit. How do I get past this? Oh, now I'm in an examining room. What do I do? How do I get past this? What if the dr. walks in and doesn't understand? Somehow I didn't totally snap while we talked. Then, I went and hid in two bathrooms while trying to focus. And I still couldn't it. You feel like a rat trapped in a cage. Everything you do doesn't work. You think you're going to snap. And then what happens? You f*****g pissed off at the sick m****rf****r that raped you. If it wasn't for this sick asshole, NONE OF THIS S**T WOULD BE HAPPENING!
I got back to my car, drove back home, closed all the drapes and then screamed and fought for almost an hour till FINALLY I felt balanced again. Imagine having this 24/7 for years with no end. Everything you try to do doesn't work. Nobody listens and nobody cares. What do you do then? I won't go back to using or kill myself. So what happens when this hits and you feel like nothing works?
Went to my GP today. The good news? It's not cancer. The bad news? I felt trapped in the office when dissociaitng hit. How do I get past this? Oh, now I'm in an examining room. What do I do? How do I get past this? What if the dr. walks in and doesn't understand? Somehow I didn't totally snap while we talked. Then, I went and hid in two bathrooms while trying to focus. And I still couldn't it. You feel like a rat trapped in a cage. Everything you do doesn't work. You think you're going to snap. And then what happens? You f*****g pissed off at the sick m****rf****r that raped you. If it wasn't for this sick asshole, NONE OF THIS S**T WOULD BE HAPPENING!
I got back to my car, drove back home, closed all the drapes and then screamed and fought for almost an hour till FINALLY I felt balanced again. Imagine having this 24/7 for years with no end. Everything you try to do doesn't work. Nobody listens and nobody cares. What do you do then? I won't go back to using or kill myself. So what happens when this hits and you feel like nothing works?
Thursday, June 26, 2008
How's Your Balance Thes Days?
Hi there. This blog is one person's battle against PTSD from sex abuse. Occasionally I'll use "triggers" to get key points across. These can be everything from a loud noise to a color to a name. If nay of these bother you, stop reading now. If not, keep going and please pass this blog onto everyone it might help.
How are you doing these days? Tomorrow I go to my GP about a spot that won't go away. It's not a bruise, as far as I know. Is it melanoma or something else? I'm not sure. But I am much more aware of the connection between mind and body. I've had far better luck with alternative doctors than traditional ones. And it's frustrating when you try to explain about this connection (PTSD/sex abuse in my case). And the traditional doctors all have tunnel vision.
I'll find the new job and move to a better place overall. I'm really trying to keep it a step at a time. But at times you really get hit hard with symptoms. Ever have the feeling that you're about five steps ahead of everybody else? I still have that, and it's hard sometimes to keep that in check. It's like you try and focus. But you can't control dissociating. So what do you do then?
Sometimes I slip and watch a little of the "what is torture?" crap on TV. And it's like these people are lying, don't care. And then they have this attitude of shut the f**k up, you lazy ungrateful s***s. We're out there putting our asses on the line to keep you f*****g safe. And this stupid ass Congressional hearing is the thanks we get for it? What the f**k is this?
There's no more news from Iraq on U.S. TV. CBS's chief foreign correspondent (maybe not for long) is busy "allegedly" having affairs with practically every guy in the Green Zone. This gets played to death. And meanwhile the people dying there don't matter anymore. Getting the f*****g oil does, of course. But screw the rest of it.
What helps you to keep your balance? Feel free to post anytime.
How are you doing these days? Tomorrow I go to my GP about a spot that won't go away. It's not a bruise, as far as I know. Is it melanoma or something else? I'm not sure. But I am much more aware of the connection between mind and body. I've had far better luck with alternative doctors than traditional ones. And it's frustrating when you try to explain about this connection (PTSD/sex abuse in my case). And the traditional doctors all have tunnel vision.
I'll find the new job and move to a better place overall. I'm really trying to keep it a step at a time. But at times you really get hit hard with symptoms. Ever have the feeling that you're about five steps ahead of everybody else? I still have that, and it's hard sometimes to keep that in check. It's like you try and focus. But you can't control dissociating. So what do you do then?
Sometimes I slip and watch a little of the "what is torture?" crap on TV. And it's like these people are lying, don't care. And then they have this attitude of shut the f**k up, you lazy ungrateful s***s. We're out there putting our asses on the line to keep you f*****g safe. And this stupid ass Congressional hearing is the thanks we get for it? What the f**k is this?
There's no more news from Iraq on U.S. TV. CBS's chief foreign correspondent (maybe not for long) is busy "allegedly" having affairs with practically every guy in the Green Zone. This gets played to death. And meanwhile the people dying there don't matter anymore. Getting the f*****g oil does, of course. But screw the rest of it.
What helps you to keep your balance? Feel free to post anytime.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Emptiness that's Hard to Shake
NOTE: This blog contains explicit content about one person's fight against PTSD from sex abuse. Occasionally I use "triggers" (sights, sounds and more) to get key points across. If these bother you, stop now. Otherwise, keep going and thanks for the support.
Lots of emptiness and tirggers today. It feels like no matter what you do, you still get hit with this. You know you have things to do. But how do you move? It's not the usual down day that we all have from time to time.
How do you cope with this?
Lots of emptiness and tirggers today. It feels like no matter what you do, you still get hit with this. You know you have things to do. But how do you move? It's not the usual down day that we all have from time to time.
How do you cope with this?
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
A New Source for Help
NOTE: This blog is one person's battle against PTSD from sex abuse. Occasionally I use "triggers" to help get points across. These can be:
sights
sounds
formerly favorite foods
sudden noises
colors
music samples and more
If these bother you, stop reading now. Otherwise, keep going and thanks for the support.
Got almost no sleep last night due to lots of dissociating. Today, it's been more of the same. Sometimes I think I'm going to black out. I try to do all the holistic stuff I can. But still it feels like the whole world is beating you down. How do you cope?
Here's a helpful site: http://www.isurvive.org . It's a wide mix of people talking about their survival from all kinds of trauma. Check it out when you can and give it a try.
More later on.
sights
sounds
formerly favorite foods
sudden noises
colors
music samples and more
If these bother you, stop reading now. Otherwise, keep going and thanks for the support.
Got almost no sleep last night due to lots of dissociating. Today, it's been more of the same. Sometimes I think I'm going to black out. I try to do all the holistic stuff I can. But still it feels like the whole world is beating you down. How do you cope?
Here's a helpful site: http://www.isurvive.org . It's a wide mix of people talking about their survival from all kinds of trauma. Check it out when you can and give it a try.
More later on.
Monday, June 16, 2008
Let's Catch Up
NOTE: This blog contains explicit content about one person's battle with PTSD from sex abuse. Occasionally I use "triggers'" to get key points across. These can be many things:
sights
sounds
key words or phrases
music samples
a sudden noise and more
If these bother you, stop reading now. Otherwise, keep going and thanks for the support.
What's up? Long time no posts, I know. Sorry about that. I've been busy looking job hunting, fighting symptoms. And occasionally falling down and crying because I feel hopeless.
How are YOU doing? I realy appreciate all of you sticking with me here. Don't worry, there's NO WAY checking this out will be traced back to you. Likewise, I do everything I can to not be outed in any way. If I did out myself, I'd have serious problems.
Do you feel like anybody's listening to you? Aside from here, I still feel like almost nobody's listening. You feel like you're backed up in a corner and the whole world is beating you down EVERY SINGLE DAY. It's the same "it's your fault" crap. And what's even sicker is that they have no feeling, no understanding about what they're doing. And they just don't care.
How do you deal with being used by the politicians? In this election year there's lots of cheap empty talk about oh, PTSD is terrible. We need to take it more seriously. We see families who've lost someone due to it. And while in no way do I want to dis them, it really sucks when we're being used. It's obvious that the politicians don't give a s**t about them. All that matters is getting elected and making the other party look bad.
What about male rape survivors? When was the last time you heard somebody publically talk about this? When was the last time Congress had a hearing about this? Or a debate on the Senate floor? Once a Congressional committee had a hearing about child sex abuse. But it was censored. Why? Because we just don't talk about this kind of stuff.
Which means what? It's like getting raped all over again. You don't count. You suck, you're pathetic, you're a fauilure for f*****g up and getting raped. How do you respond to this s**t without sinking down to their level?
How do you cope with the symptoms? Dissociating, adrenalin surges and more keep hitting. At times it's like a bad slasher movie hitting you. You try to focus and suddenly it comes out of nowhere. Then you don't know where you are. I go to a store and everything is magnifed. I have about a 6 foot awareness all around me. Someone's behind me and I think, what will they do? Will they jump me? How do I stop them, stab them, break their neck, etc.? Do all survivors always have this? I know that everybody recovers at different rates. But it would be nice to have one day with no symptoms.
Feel free to post comments. Anonymous ones are fine too. But please spread the world about this blog to anyone you think it might help.
Peace
sights
sounds
key words or phrases
music samples
a sudden noise and more
If these bother you, stop reading now. Otherwise, keep going and thanks for the support.
What's up? Long time no posts, I know. Sorry about that. I've been busy looking job hunting, fighting symptoms. And occasionally falling down and crying because I feel hopeless.
How are YOU doing? I realy appreciate all of you sticking with me here. Don't worry, there's NO WAY checking this out will be traced back to you. Likewise, I do everything I can to not be outed in any way. If I did out myself, I'd have serious problems.
Do you feel like anybody's listening to you? Aside from here, I still feel like almost nobody's listening. You feel like you're backed up in a corner and the whole world is beating you down EVERY SINGLE DAY. It's the same "it's your fault" crap. And what's even sicker is that they have no feeling, no understanding about what they're doing. And they just don't care.
How do you deal with being used by the politicians? In this election year there's lots of cheap empty talk about oh, PTSD is terrible. We need to take it more seriously. We see families who've lost someone due to it. And while in no way do I want to dis them, it really sucks when we're being used. It's obvious that the politicians don't give a s**t about them. All that matters is getting elected and making the other party look bad.
What about male rape survivors? When was the last time you heard somebody publically talk about this? When was the last time Congress had a hearing about this? Or a debate on the Senate floor? Once a Congressional committee had a hearing about child sex abuse. But it was censored. Why? Because we just don't talk about this kind of stuff.
Which means what? It's like getting raped all over again. You don't count. You suck, you're pathetic, you're a fauilure for f*****g up and getting raped. How do you respond to this s**t without sinking down to their level?
How do you cope with the symptoms? Dissociating, adrenalin surges and more keep hitting. At times it's like a bad slasher movie hitting you. You try to focus and suddenly it comes out of nowhere. Then you don't know where you are. I go to a store and everything is magnifed. I have about a 6 foot awareness all around me. Someone's behind me and I think, what will they do? Will they jump me? How do I stop them, stab them, break their neck, etc.? Do all survivors always have this? I know that everybody recovers at different rates. But it would be nice to have one day with no symptoms.
Feel free to post comments. Anonymous ones are fine too. But please spread the world about this blog to anyone you think it might help.
Peace
Monday, June 9, 2008
Who's Going to Listen to Me?
NOTE: This blog contains explicit content about one person's daily battle to cope with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). Where necesary, "triggers" are used to to help get key points across.
Triggers can be many things:
Sights
Sounds
Key words or phrases
colors
a loud noise
formerly favorite foods
and more
If any of these bother you, stop reading now. Otherwise, continue and thanks for your support.
Did you survive the Big Hillary Quits Speech Weekend? Now, it's down to Obama and McCain for the main two parties. But keep in mind that there are other choices as well. Libertarians, Greens, Independents. The MSM won't tolerate them speaking. But there's still time before the election. So we'll see.
Unfortunately, symptoms are still hitting hard. One minute you think you're safe. Then suddenly you're being raped again. It's like a really bad horror movie trailer. You go to a store and you feel trapped. Other people walk by you and you think, what do they really want? If he attacks me, what do I do? You drive down the road and see others looking at you. What do they really want? They're smiling. But what if they have something in the car? What do I use to stop them?
I still can't watch TV or listen to the radio for more than ten seconds at a time. Triggers are everywhere and have to be edited out all the time. For other people, they can do this in 2 seconds. But imagine if it took 2 hours? Like most other people, you have better things to do with your time. The bad part is that you have to fight back to keep a sense of balance. If you don't you'll just fall apart.
At the worst times it's like every sound, sight, color and more is magnified a million times. Nobody listens to you. Nobody cares . They keep saying, it's your fault that you got raped. So you fix it. Why then should I trust them? They smile at me. But what do they really want? Are they afraid that if they acknowledge me that they'll get raped too? I'm their worst nightmare. So f**k off and die? You stop and think, how could any "normal" person act like that? You treat others like dirt and you have no conscience or feeling at all about it.
Then you wonder, will I always have these symptoms? My therapist keeps saying that eventually you get past these. But in the meantime the whole world is saying WE DON'T LIKE YOU. WE DON'T GIVE A S**T ABOUT YOU! What are you supposed to do?
Here's a 24 hour help line for rape survivors:
1-510-845-7273
It's one of the few that I've found that have PTSD-trained counselors. And they don't judge you if you're a guy rape survivor.
If you know of another good source for help please post a comment.
Triggers can be many things:
Sights
Sounds
Key words or phrases
colors
a loud noise
formerly favorite foods
and more
If any of these bother you, stop reading now. Otherwise, continue and thanks for your support.
Did you survive the Big Hillary Quits Speech Weekend? Now, it's down to Obama and McCain for the main two parties. But keep in mind that there are other choices as well. Libertarians, Greens, Independents. The MSM won't tolerate them speaking. But there's still time before the election. So we'll see.
Unfortunately, symptoms are still hitting hard. One minute you think you're safe. Then suddenly you're being raped again. It's like a really bad horror movie trailer. You go to a store and you feel trapped. Other people walk by you and you think, what do they really want? If he attacks me, what do I do? You drive down the road and see others looking at you. What do they really want? They're smiling. But what if they have something in the car? What do I use to stop them?
I still can't watch TV or listen to the radio for more than ten seconds at a time. Triggers are everywhere and have to be edited out all the time. For other people, they can do this in 2 seconds. But imagine if it took 2 hours? Like most other people, you have better things to do with your time. The bad part is that you have to fight back to keep a sense of balance. If you don't you'll just fall apart.
At the worst times it's like every sound, sight, color and more is magnified a million times. Nobody listens to you. Nobody cares . They keep saying, it's your fault that you got raped. So you fix it. Why then should I trust them? They smile at me. But what do they really want? Are they afraid that if they acknowledge me that they'll get raped too? I'm their worst nightmare. So f**k off and die? You stop and think, how could any "normal" person act like that? You treat others like dirt and you have no conscience or feeling at all about it.
Then you wonder, will I always have these symptoms? My therapist keeps saying that eventually you get past these. But in the meantime the whole world is saying WE DON'T LIKE YOU. WE DON'T GIVE A S**T ABOUT YOU! What are you supposed to do?
Here's a 24 hour help line for rape survivors:
1-510-845-7273
It's one of the few that I've found that have PTSD-trained counselors. And they don't judge you if you're a guy rape survivor.
If you know of another good source for help please post a comment.
Friday, June 6, 2008
Getting Ht Hard
Note: This blog contains explicit content and occasional use of "triggers" where necessary to get points across. What are some examples?:
various sights and sounds
key phrases
colors
loud noises
formerly favorite foods
and more
If these bother you, stop reading now. Otherwise, keep going and thanks for the support.
Another day of getting hammered. Went out for a while and I thought I was going to snap in a store. I had to stay to get everything done and had to fight really hard to not explode. I went back home and screamed for about an hour to finally get some balance again. I do all the positive holistic things I can. And I still get this every day. But I have no choice. If I don't, I'll disappear.
I still feel like falling down and crying sometimes. Because sometimes you just don't know what to do.
various sights and sounds
key phrases
colors
loud noises
formerly favorite foods
and more
If these bother you, stop reading now. Otherwise, keep going and thanks for the support.
Another day of getting hammered. Went out for a while and I thought I was going to snap in a store. I had to stay to get everything done and had to fight really hard to not explode. I went back home and screamed for about an hour to finally get some balance again. I do all the positive holistic things I can. And I still get this every day. But I have no choice. If I don't, I'll disappear.
I still feel like falling down and crying sometimes. Because sometimes you just don't know what to do.
Thursday, June 5, 2008
Fighting to Not Lose Feeling in My Body
NOTE: This blog contains explicit content and occasional use of "triggers". These can be many things:
various sights and sounds
colors
a key word or phrase
a formerly favorite food
and others
These are only used here to help get a point across. If these bother you, stop reading now. If not, keep going and thanks for the support.
Adrenalin surges are a big problem today. With trauma, it's backed up energy with no release. You feel like you're losing feeling in various parts of your body. You're standing and you look down at your legs. But you have no feeling. Will you fall over? Will you be able to move or not?
You feel like you're losing sensation in your hands. You have to concentrate hard and literally force the feeling to come back.
Now imagine having to do this 24/7. And sometimes the harder you fight back the more your body fights back too. My therapist says that this and other symptoms are your multiples and little kids way of being heard. Sometimes dissociating happens. And I feel like I have no control over it. What do I do when all the usual grounding tricks don't work? What do I do then?
Triggers are everywhere. I have to edit everything to be on the safe side. It's like you're getting bombarded every day. And the more you fight it the more it feels like the whole world is beating you down. Right now, it feels like nobody can be bothered to listen. What do you do then?
various sights and sounds
colors
a key word or phrase
a formerly favorite food
and others
These are only used here to help get a point across. If these bother you, stop reading now. If not, keep going and thanks for the support.
Adrenalin surges are a big problem today. With trauma, it's backed up energy with no release. You feel like you're losing feeling in various parts of your body. You're standing and you look down at your legs. But you have no feeling. Will you fall over? Will you be able to move or not?
You feel like you're losing sensation in your hands. You have to concentrate hard and literally force the feeling to come back.
Now imagine having to do this 24/7. And sometimes the harder you fight back the more your body fights back too. My therapist says that this and other symptoms are your multiples and little kids way of being heard. Sometimes dissociating happens. And I feel like I have no control over it. What do I do when all the usual grounding tricks don't work? What do I do then?
Triggers are everywhere. I have to edit everything to be on the safe side. It's like you're getting bombarded every day. And the more you fight it the more it feels like the whole world is beating you down. Right now, it feels like nobody can be bothered to listen. What do you do then?
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Ready to Explode
NOTeE: This blog contains explicit content and occasional "triggers". These can be anything from sights, sounds and key words to colors that all bring back flashbacks and more. They're only used to get key points across. If these bother you, stop reading now. Otherwise, keep going and thanks for the support.
Long time no posts, I know. I've been bombarded with symptoms and trying to balance that with job hunting and more. Sometimes symptoms are so bad I feel like I'm going to black out again. Then I'll have no idea of where I am. What did I say and do? Did I hurt anybody? Sometimes I go out and I feel like I'm in Baghdad. Is it safe? What about triggers? What happens if they happen? How do I protect myself? What if I snap? The questions just won't stop and sometimes I just want to sit in the middle of the aisle and cry. Then, how do I get out of the store and back home? I stand in the checkout line and someone is about 2 feet behind me. Odds are they aren't armed. But I still think, if he attacks me, how do I stop him? What weapon can I grab? Do I have to stab him or not? I go in a restaurant and I feel like everybody is looking at me. Part of me knows they're not. But another part can't shake that fear.
I almost threw out my TV today. I was so pissed off because now that Obama is the Democratic nominee, both sides will do ANYTHING to win. Which means that nothing is going to get done between now and November. It's going to be non-stop racist crap that people will spin and bitch about. But nobody will do s**t about it, because it sells. Which means that it must be news? My intuition is screaming that I'm about 4 steps ahead of everybody else. Nobody cares. And many of those that appear to care really don't. All that matters now in this election year is book deals, lecture tours, money and power. If you really think Bush is a war criminal, why did you wait 5 months before the election to plug your book that says he is? Why didn't you do this 8 years ago?
Meanwhile, survivors with PTSD continue to be political pawns. I called several Senate offices today; Reid, Boxer, Obama and Kennedy. I left this blog's URL with Boxer and Kennedy's. Maybe they'll check this out?
My multiples and little kid are still terrified. Will anybody ever care? If they never have up until now, will anybody ever touch us or reassure us in any way? Sometimes the hypocracy is so bad I wanna kill. I won't, of course. But triggers are everywhere. So right now, everything has to be edited 24/7.
Why doesn't anybody listen? Maybe because nobody wants to face their worst nightmare: being raped and feeling like you don't exist. And on top of that, nobody gives a s**t.
Long time no posts, I know. I've been bombarded with symptoms and trying to balance that with job hunting and more. Sometimes symptoms are so bad I feel like I'm going to black out again. Then I'll have no idea of where I am. What did I say and do? Did I hurt anybody? Sometimes I go out and I feel like I'm in Baghdad. Is it safe? What about triggers? What happens if they happen? How do I protect myself? What if I snap? The questions just won't stop and sometimes I just want to sit in the middle of the aisle and cry. Then, how do I get out of the store and back home? I stand in the checkout line and someone is about 2 feet behind me. Odds are they aren't armed. But I still think, if he attacks me, how do I stop him? What weapon can I grab? Do I have to stab him or not? I go in a restaurant and I feel like everybody is looking at me. Part of me knows they're not. But another part can't shake that fear.
I almost threw out my TV today. I was so pissed off because now that Obama is the Democratic nominee, both sides will do ANYTHING to win. Which means that nothing is going to get done between now and November. It's going to be non-stop racist crap that people will spin and bitch about. But nobody will do s**t about it, because it sells. Which means that it must be news? My intuition is screaming that I'm about 4 steps ahead of everybody else. Nobody cares. And many of those that appear to care really don't. All that matters now in this election year is book deals, lecture tours, money and power. If you really think Bush is a war criminal, why did you wait 5 months before the election to plug your book that says he is? Why didn't you do this 8 years ago?
Meanwhile, survivors with PTSD continue to be political pawns. I called several Senate offices today; Reid, Boxer, Obama and Kennedy. I left this blog's URL with Boxer and Kennedy's. Maybe they'll check this out?
My multiples and little kid are still terrified. Will anybody ever care? If they never have up until now, will anybody ever touch us or reassure us in any way? Sometimes the hypocracy is so bad I wanna kill. I won't, of course. But triggers are everywhere. So right now, everything has to be edited 24/7.
Why doesn't anybody listen? Maybe because nobody wants to face their worst nightmare: being raped and feeling like you don't exist. And on top of that, nobody gives a s**t.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Symptoms are Hitting Hard
NOTE: This blog contains explicit content and "triggers" that can be potentially harmful to trauma survivors. Some examples:
sights
sounds
key words or phrases
music samples
sudden noise
and more
If these bother you, stop reading now. Otherwise, keep going and thanks for the support.
Went to therapy today and A LOT of flashbacks hit hard. You don't know where you are or what to do. Everything takes A HUGE AMOUNT of energy to cope with. And on top of that, you feel like the whole world can't be bothered.
But no matter what, you always have to fight to keep some balance. Otherwise, everything falls apart. And the nightmares keep coming.
sights
sounds
key words or phrases
music samples
sudden noise
and more
If these bother you, stop reading now. Otherwise, keep going and thanks for the support.
Went to therapy today and A LOT of flashbacks hit hard. You don't know where you are or what to do. Everything takes A HUGE AMOUNT of energy to cope with. And on top of that, you feel like the whole world can't be bothered.
But no matter what, you always have to fight to keep some balance. Otherwise, everything falls apart. And the nightmares keep coming.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
A Rough Day Back
NOTE: This blog contains explicit material and occasional "triggers"(sights, sounds and more) that could be disturbing to trauma survivors. If this bothers you, stop reading. Otherwise, keep going and thanks for the support.
Symptoms are really rough today. In some ways just as bad as a year ago. Also, sometimes I feel like I'm outside my body. I've already died and I'm looking back at my life. Is this a underlying sign of a potential suicide? I don't want to do it. But I'm not sure why this has happened.
Tomorrow it's back to therapy. And due to money problems I may have to stop for a while. We'll see what happens.
Symptoms are really rough today. In some ways just as bad as a year ago. Also, sometimes I feel like I'm outside my body. I've already died and I'm looking back at my life. Is this a underlying sign of a potential suicide? I don't want to do it. But I'm not sure why this has happened.
Tomorrow it's back to therapy. And due to money problems I may have to stop for a while. We'll see what happens.
Monday, May 26, 2008
What Do We Do Now?
NOTE: This blog contains explicit content and occasional use of "triggers" (sights, sounds and more). These can be potentially harmful to trauma survivors. But they're only used to help get points across.
If these bother you, st0p reading now. Otherwise, keep going and thanks for the support.
Still into the holiday weekend. And part of the time it's going thru the motions. I know what's happening and what needs to be done. But the despair is also there.
I'd really like a break. Just one day with NO symptoms. Will that ever happen?
If these bother you, st0p reading now. Otherwise, keep going and thanks for the support.
Still into the holiday weekend. And part of the time it's going thru the motions. I know what's happening and what needs to be done. But the despair is also there.
I'd really like a break. Just one day with NO symptoms. Will that ever happen?
Friday, May 23, 2008
I Sitll Feel Like I'm Going to Short Out
NOTE: This blog contains explicit content and occasional "triggers" (sights, sounds, key words and more) that could be disturbing to trauma survivors. If these bother you, stop reading now. Otherwise, keep reading and thanks for the support.
Went to therapy today and it was more of the same. I still feel like my whole body is going to snap or just short out. Dissociating and other symptoms are stil happening. And underneath that is the fear of being this close to just dying. And then everybody who gave you s**t saying, see? I told you he's was a pathetic f**kup who couldn't do anything. And they won't have any comprehension of what they're doing.
My multiples and little kid still ask, how come people do this? I don't know. Will everybody treat us like s**t and then you can never trust anybody? I wish I knew the answer to that. But I just don't know. How could ANYBODY be that sick towards somebody else? You literally feel like every person you've had contact with doesn't give a s**t about anything but themselves. So where do you go? Can you talk to anyone and not always be suspicious? Sometimes you just fall down on the floor and cry. The rest of the world seems happy and goes on their way. And you have to stay home because the world can't be bothered with having to deal with your s**t. You were stupid enough to get raped. So f**k off and fix it.
How do you respond to that?
Went to therapy today and it was more of the same. I still feel like my whole body is going to snap or just short out. Dissociating and other symptoms are stil happening. And underneath that is the fear of being this close to just dying. And then everybody who gave you s**t saying, see? I told you he's was a pathetic f**kup who couldn't do anything. And they won't have any comprehension of what they're doing.
My multiples and little kid still ask, how come people do this? I don't know. Will everybody treat us like s**t and then you can never trust anybody? I wish I knew the answer to that. But I just don't know. How could ANYBODY be that sick towards somebody else? You literally feel like every person you've had contact with doesn't give a s**t about anything but themselves. So where do you go? Can you talk to anyone and not always be suspicious? Sometimes you just fall down on the floor and cry. The rest of the world seems happy and goes on their way. And you have to stay home because the world can't be bothered with having to deal with your s**t. You were stupid enough to get raped. So f**k off and fix it.
How do you respond to that?
Thursday, May 22, 2008
You Feel Like You're Going to Short Out
NOTE: This blog has explicit content and "triggers" that are only used to get key points across. Some examples:
sights
sounds
key words or phrases
colors and more
If these bother you, stop reading now. If not, keep going and please pass this URL onto anyone it might help.
Dissociating is really harsh today. Sometimes it feels like my whole body is going to short out. Or I'll black out and then wonder where am I? I'm not sure if this is just a part of healing from abuse. Or is it something else?
The frustration is still there. Nobody really wants to listen. So just go off in the corner and shut up. But I refuse to give them the satisfaction.
sights
sounds
key words or phrases
colors and more
If these bother you, stop reading now. If not, keep going and please pass this URL onto anyone it might help.
Dissociating is really harsh today. Sometimes it feels like my whole body is going to short out. Or I'll black out and then wonder where am I? I'm not sure if this is just a part of healing from abuse. Or is it something else?
The frustration is still there. Nobody really wants to listen. So just go off in the corner and shut up. But I refuse to give them the satisfaction.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Dissociating is a Real Pain Today
NOTE:
This blog contains explicit content and at times "triggers":
sights
sounds
key phrases
colors
and others
They're only used to help get key points across. But if these bother you, stop reading now. Otherwise, keep going. And please pass this blog onto anyone it might help.
Dissociating is really nasty today. It's like non-stop choices. Want this fantasy? No. ok, try this one. You're trying to focus on what's really going on. But it's like walking thru a minefield. Then, adrenalin surges start too. Now what do you do?
Imagine somebody trying to beat you down every single day. It's more than the normal ups and downs of everyday life. I may not go to therapy this week. Lately it seems like all my therapist does is say yes over and over for the hour. Which makes me think, why am I here? I know I need to continue with therapy because I still have PTSD to cope with. But I refuse to have it forever.
My multiples and little kid are still terrified. Why does this always happen? Does ANYBODY listen? Does anybody care? I do. Then how come nobody else does? And I don't know what to say.
At times, the terror of feeling like the whole world is trying to crush you hits. My therapist keeps saying you have to keep going and then things will get better. So in the meantime does this still mean just hide in the corner and shut up?
This blog contains explicit content and at times "triggers":
sights
sounds
key phrases
colors
and others
They're only used to help get key points across. But if these bother you, stop reading now. Otherwise, keep going. And please pass this blog onto anyone it might help.
Dissociating is really nasty today. It's like non-stop choices. Want this fantasy? No. ok, try this one. You're trying to focus on what's really going on. But it's like walking thru a minefield. Then, adrenalin surges start too. Now what do you do?
Imagine somebody trying to beat you down every single day. It's more than the normal ups and downs of everyday life. I may not go to therapy this week. Lately it seems like all my therapist does is say yes over and over for the hour. Which makes me think, why am I here? I know I need to continue with therapy because I still have PTSD to cope with. But I refuse to have it forever.
My multiples and little kid are still terrified. Why does this always happen? Does ANYBODY listen? Does anybody care? I do. Then how come nobody else does? And I don't know what to say.
At times, the terror of feeling like the whole world is trying to crush you hits. My therapist keeps saying you have to keep going and then things will get better. So in the meantime does this still mean just hide in the corner and shut up?
Monday, May 19, 2008
Almost Snapped Today
NOTE: This blog contains explicit content and occasional "triggers"(sights, sounds, key words, and more). These can be potenitally harmful to trauma survivors. They're only used here to help get key points across. If this bothers you, stop reading. Otherwise, continue and thanks for the support.
A REAL fight all day today. Dissociating, adrenalin surges and it took FORVER to be aware of where I was. Then, how do I get past this? What normally takes ten seconds for others takes a hour for me. Will I EVER get past this? Endless fear and almost desperation.
And on top of that, you have to keep in mind that 99.9% of the world DOES NOT want to listen. So what do you do? Is the fear always there?
A REAL fight all day today. Dissociating, adrenalin surges and it took FORVER to be aware of where I was. Then, how do I get past this? What normally takes ten seconds for others takes a hour for me. Will I EVER get past this? Endless fear and almost desperation.
And on top of that, you have to keep in mind that 99.9% of the world DOES NOT want to listen. So what do you do? Is the fear always there?
Sunday, May 18, 2008
Is This Real Or Not?
NOTE: This blog contains explicit content and "triggers". These are potentially disturbing to trauma survivors. Some examples:
sights
sounds
key phrases
music samples and more
These are only used to help get points across. If these bother you, stop reading now. If not, keep going. And please spread this blog onto everyone it might help.
It's a sunny day. And symptoms have actually gone down some for a change. The underlying fear is still there. But is this some relief for a change?
There's a 16 year old girl on You Tube and My Space who says she was raped when she was 15. Nobody's helped her, so she was forced to go public. I see this and two things come to mind.
If it's true, that's horrible that it happened. And that she has to out herself to get the proper help.
If it's a scam, it's the SICKEST s**t I've EVER seen. It's a huge insult to trauma survivors everywhere. All she wants is her 15 minutes of fame. Which will lead to interviews, talk shows, a book deal, modeling jobs, a reality show and even movies.
How f****d up is society in that case? A woman lies about rape and gets rewarded. Meanwhile, for others (both women and guys) who really were raped, nobody wants to be around them or just treat them like dirt.
If I posted a clip on You Tube, would CNN call me?
sights
sounds
key phrases
music samples and more
These are only used to help get points across. If these bother you, stop reading now. If not, keep going. And please spread this blog onto everyone it might help.
It's a sunny day. And symptoms have actually gone down some for a change. The underlying fear is still there. But is this some relief for a change?
There's a 16 year old girl on You Tube and My Space who says she was raped when she was 15. Nobody's helped her, so she was forced to go public. I see this and two things come to mind.
If it's true, that's horrible that it happened. And that she has to out herself to get the proper help.
If it's a scam, it's the SICKEST s**t I've EVER seen. It's a huge insult to trauma survivors everywhere. All she wants is her 15 minutes of fame. Which will lead to interviews, talk shows, a book deal, modeling jobs, a reality show and even movies.
How f****d up is society in that case? A woman lies about rape and gets rewarded. Meanwhile, for others (both women and guys) who really were raped, nobody wants to be around them or just treat them like dirt.
If I posted a clip on You Tube, would CNN call me?
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Fighting Hard for That Balance
NOTE: This blog contains explicit content and occasional potentially disturbing "triggers" (sights, sounds, and more). These are only used to help get a key point across. If these bother you, stop reading now. If not, keep going and thanks for the support.
The global recession continues, and more expenses are a challenge. Still haven't found the new job yet. But at least I still have savings and won't be homeless tomorrow. Twice is enough for me.
Having said that, it's a weird time. Yesterday I told my therapist I'm staying away from a lot of political stuff right now. One reason is because I feel like I'm 3 steps ahead of everybody else. They only see a small part of the big picture. I on the other hand am thinking way ahead. So the best thing right now is to just avoid it as much as possible.
We still have that paralyzing fear at the worst times. My multiples and little kid are still scared that the whole world is going to crush thm. I tell them, no chance in hell of that happening. So then why do they keep treating us like s**t? How many ways can you say, I don't know.
You know you have things to do. But it takes A LOT of energy to mak yourself get up and move. It's not the usual feeling down that everybody has from time to time. Then you'd hear somebody say, just get on with it. It feels like THE WHOLE WORLD is saying, we don't give a s**t about you. Just f**k off and die. When you feel like you ALWAYS hear that, what do you do? What kind of permenant effect does that have on someone? I've done lots of research on this. And all you see if endless studies and "official definitions" of PTSD.
Today som 16-yr old girl posted a You Tube clip in which she says she was raped. If it's true, it's horrible and sad that she has to hype this to get the proper help. Now, the flip side of that. What if it was a guy? Would anybody care? Or, would people say, what the f**k's his problem? He was stupid enough to get raped. How f***ed up is that?
Do you take that risk, post and out yourself? Would you lose everything? Would anybody actually notice? It feels like everybody's saying, women get raped and that's one thing. But for guys who get raped, you don't exist.
If that's not true, prove it.
The global recession continues, and more expenses are a challenge. Still haven't found the new job yet. But at least I still have savings and won't be homeless tomorrow. Twice is enough for me.
Having said that, it's a weird time. Yesterday I told my therapist I'm staying away from a lot of political stuff right now. One reason is because I feel like I'm 3 steps ahead of everybody else. They only see a small part of the big picture. I on the other hand am thinking way ahead. So the best thing right now is to just avoid it as much as possible.
We still have that paralyzing fear at the worst times. My multiples and little kid are still scared that the whole world is going to crush thm. I tell them, no chance in hell of that happening. So then why do they keep treating us like s**t? How many ways can you say, I don't know.
You know you have things to do. But it takes A LOT of energy to mak yourself get up and move. It's not the usual feeling down that everybody has from time to time. Then you'd hear somebody say, just get on with it. It feels like THE WHOLE WORLD is saying, we don't give a s**t about you. Just f**k off and die. When you feel like you ALWAYS hear that, what do you do? What kind of permenant effect does that have on someone? I've done lots of research on this. And all you see if endless studies and "official definitions" of PTSD.
Today som 16-yr old girl posted a You Tube clip in which she says she was raped. If it's true, it's horrible and sad that she has to hype this to get the proper help. Now, the flip side of that. What if it was a guy? Would anybody care? Or, would people say, what the f**k's his problem? He was stupid enough to get raped. How f***ed up is that?
Do you take that risk, post and out yourself? Would you lose everything? Would anybody actually notice? It feels like everybody's saying, women get raped and that's one thing. But for guys who get raped, you don't exist.
If that's not true, prove it.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Fighting Back
NOTE: This blog contains explicit content, including occasional "triggers" (sights, colors, sounds and more) that might be upsetting to trauma survivors. If these bother you, stop reading now. if not, keep going and thanks for your support.
Fighting back to not give into the despair. I stay away from triggers as much as possible. I do all the holistic things that I know are good for me. But still, we'd like to have one day free of symptoms.
Fighting back to not give into the despair. I stay away from triggers as much as possible. I do all the holistic things that I know are good for me. But still, we'd like to have one day free of symptoms.
Monday, May 12, 2008
How to Cope With The Fear
NOTE: This blog contains explicit content and occasional "triggers"(sights, sounds, phrases and more) that migh upset trauma survivors. They're only used to help make a point. If these bother you, stop reading now. If not, continue and thanks for your support.
Another meeting tonight with my multiples and little kid. And everything feels black. How come nobody loves us? I do. Then how come nobody else does? How come nobody ever touches us and says I'm sorry you were raped? Will it always be like this?
And then I say, I hope not. I wish I could gurantee that. But I'm always here for you. How else do you respond to that? How do you cope with a lifetime of no contact, reassurance or feeling like there's hope of any kind?
You could say the usual, shut up and carry on. But unfortunately, the entire world doesn't walk in lockstep and obey every command given. So what do you do instead?
Another meeting tonight with my multiples and little kid. And everything feels black. How come nobody loves us? I do. Then how come nobody else does? How come nobody ever touches us and says I'm sorry you were raped? Will it always be like this?
And then I say, I hope not. I wish I could gurantee that. But I'm always here for you. How else do you respond to that? How do you cope with a lifetime of no contact, reassurance or feeling like there's hope of any kind?
You could say the usual, shut up and carry on. But unfortunately, the entire world doesn't walk in lockstep and obey every command given. So what do you do instead?
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
Slooging Your Way Thru Emptiness
NOTE: This blog contains explicit content and occasional "triggers" (sights, sounds, colors, etc.) that could be upsetting to trauma survivors. If these bother you, stop reading. If not, keep going and thanks for your support.
Went to therapy today, and at times it was very frustrating. You feel like you're making progress. And then you hear a lot of stuff that you already now. Which then makes you think, bloody hell. Why am I here? My multiples and little kid still have lots of fears:
Will anybody ever listen?
How come nobody wants to stop and pay attention?
Will anybody ever touch us and say, we're sorry you were raped?
We fight hard to focus and not dissociate. But sometimes it's almost like you have to FOCUS HARD and punch out a wall or something to do it. My therapist says that things will continue to get even more extreme before they even out.
So what are we supposed to do in the meantime? I go out someplace and start to cry. It's sunny and you think it will be ok. But you sit in the middle of the store and cry. People walk by you. What do you do? How do you look cool and calm on the outside when you want to kill them on the inside?
Dissociating, adrenalin surges and the other symptoms still happen. But at times you feel like the entire world is screaming at you: WE DON'T GIVE A F**K ABOUT YOU! What do you do then?
Went to therapy today, and at times it was very frustrating. You feel like you're making progress. And then you hear a lot of stuff that you already now. Which then makes you think, bloody hell. Why am I here? My multiples and little kid still have lots of fears:
Will anybody ever listen?
How come nobody wants to stop and pay attention?
Will anybody ever touch us and say, we're sorry you were raped?
We fight hard to focus and not dissociate. But sometimes it's almost like you have to FOCUS HARD and punch out a wall or something to do it. My therapist says that things will continue to get even more extreme before they even out.
So what are we supposed to do in the meantime? I go out someplace and start to cry. It's sunny and you think it will be ok. But you sit in the middle of the store and cry. People walk by you. What do you do? How do you look cool and calm on the outside when you want to kill them on the inside?
Dissociating, adrenalin surges and the other symptoms still happen. But at times you feel like the entire world is screaming at you: WE DON'T GIVE A F**K ABOUT YOU! What do you do then?
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
Lots of Fear Tonight
NOTE: This blog contains explicit content and "triggers" (sights, sounds, key words/phrases and more). These could be potentially upsetting to trauma survivors. If these bother you, stop reading. If not, keep going and I hope this helps you in some way.
Lots of sadness and fear tonight. My multiples and little kid feel like everything is beating them down. I try to tell them, I don't know why everybody treats us like s**t. How could people be that sick? I don't know. You feel paralyzed and think, what do we do now? Dissociating and adrenalin surges still happen as well. You feel like you're going to snap and don't know what to do. But it seems like the whole world says, shut the f**k up and YOU fix it! Don't waste my time with your s**t.
How do you keep going when you feel paralyzed? We feel sad, we cry. And we fight when the nightmares and lucid dreams happen. If we have to, we take a knife or any weapon we have and check everywhere to make sure its safe. Then we sit with it nearby, just in case we need it. If anybody ever tries to rape us again, we'll f*****g kill them. We'll cut them into a million little pieces and then throw them out the front door.
You laugh at us. You treat us like s**t. But f**k you if you think you'll EVER f*****g rape us again.
Lots of sadness and fear tonight. My multiples and little kid feel like everything is beating them down. I try to tell them, I don't know why everybody treats us like s**t. How could people be that sick? I don't know. You feel paralyzed and think, what do we do now? Dissociating and adrenalin surges still happen as well. You feel like you're going to snap and don't know what to do. But it seems like the whole world says, shut the f**k up and YOU fix it! Don't waste my time with your s**t.
How do you keep going when you feel paralyzed? We feel sad, we cry. And we fight when the nightmares and lucid dreams happen. If we have to, we take a knife or any weapon we have and check everywhere to make sure its safe. Then we sit with it nearby, just in case we need it. If anybody ever tries to rape us again, we'll f*****g kill them. We'll cut them into a million little pieces and then throw them out the front door.
You laugh at us. You treat us like s**t. But f**k you if you think you'll EVER f*****g rape us again.
Sunday, May 4, 2008
Fighting Back Against Emptiness
NOTE: This blog contains explicit content and "triggers". These are sights, sounds, key words or phrases and more. If these bother you, stop now. Otherwise, keep going and please pass this onto anybody else it could help.
Had another meeting with my multiples and little kid. The emptiness is still there and we wonder, will it always be there? We go thru the motions and still the teror is there. Nobody listens, nobody cares. Nobody wants to be seen with you, touch you or reassure you in any way. You go thru the motions and wonder, what do I do now?
My therapist says that eventually things will improve. But still the fear and terror won't go away. I wonder if he has nightmares?
Had another meeting with my multiples and little kid. The emptiness is still there and we wonder, will it always be there? We go thru the motions and still the teror is there. Nobody listens, nobody cares. Nobody wants to be seen with you, touch you or reassure you in any way. You go thru the motions and wonder, what do I do now?
My therapist says that eventually things will improve. But still the fear and terror won't go away. I wonder if he has nightmares?
Friday, May 2, 2008
Trying to Cope with Emptiness
NOTE: Ths blog contains explicit language and "triggers" which can be harmful to some trauma survivors:
sights
sounds, colors
key words and phrases
music samples
loud noises and more
If these bother you, protect yourself and stop reading now. Otherwise, keep going. And thanks for support.
There's lots of emptiness today. At first, dissociating was harsh. But then after that, everything feels empty. You go thru the motions and you know that you have things to do. But you feel like, what do I do now?
Nobody listens and you feel like the pressure keeps building. But you're at the bottom of the list. There are vets with PTSD. Women rape victims with PSTD. And then the rest of us. Nobody wants to listen. But at the same time you're told, you need to get help. You did this, so you fix it. How did I do this? I asked to be raped? I asked to be treated like s**t for years? And everybody says, nobody cares what you think or feel. So just shut the f**k up.
Maybe it's a nice day. And suddenly you fall down and start to cry. In a crowded place. What do you then? You feel like the whole world says f**k off and die. So why should you care about me now? What do you REALLY want?
At times I really have to be careful. Triggers are still everywhere. And you can be bombarded with other people's thoughts. When you finally feel like you can have some calm for a change, you're back to that emptiness. And what do you do then?
sights
sounds, colors
key words and phrases
music samples
loud noises and more
If these bother you, protect yourself and stop reading now. Otherwise, keep going. And thanks for support.
There's lots of emptiness today. At first, dissociating was harsh. But then after that, everything feels empty. You go thru the motions and you know that you have things to do. But you feel like, what do I do now?
Nobody listens and you feel like the pressure keeps building. But you're at the bottom of the list. There are vets with PTSD. Women rape victims with PSTD. And then the rest of us. Nobody wants to listen. But at the same time you're told, you need to get help. You did this, so you fix it. How did I do this? I asked to be raped? I asked to be treated like s**t for years? And everybody says, nobody cares what you think or feel. So just shut the f**k up.
Maybe it's a nice day. And suddenly you fall down and start to cry. In a crowded place. What do you then? You feel like the whole world says f**k off and die. So why should you care about me now? What do you REALLY want?
At times I really have to be careful. Triggers are still everywhere. And you can be bombarded with other people's thoughts. When you finally feel like you can have some calm for a change, you're back to that emptiness. And what do you do then?
Thursday, May 1, 2008
The Multiples and My Little Kid Have Lots of Fears
NOTE: This blog contains explicit content and occasional "triggers" to get key points across. These can be many things:
sights
sounds
colors
music samples
key words or phrases
and more
If these bother you, stop reading. Otherwise, continue and thanks for your support.
The pressure continues to build. Pick an issue: Obama and Hillary, Rev. Wright, the recession, attacking Iran and more. I really try to stay away from as many triggers as possible. But at times my intuiton has trouble sorting it all out. It's like reading the subtitles in what someone does or says. If you're in a crowded room, multiply that by ten or twenty. I still want to snap (usually in a crowded place). And I think, what do I do? If there's nowhere to hide and you see someone else, what do I do? You try to look cool and calm on the outside. But on the inside you feel like you're going to snap.
Then, when you try to get help, it still feels like nobody wants anything to do with you. Guys who are rape survivors and non vets are at the bottom of the food chain. Vets and women who have trauma are a step up. But as for the rest of you, just disappear and die. Nobody wants to be around you as you freak us out. So just hide in the corner and do us all a favor. We're trying to eat here, ok?
My therapist and I talk about never having a family. Biologically you do. But beyond that, no. We think, how can anybody be that f*****g sick to their own kid. We cry and wonder, can we trust anybody? Is EVERYBODY in the world like this? What do we do then? Now it seems like the gap between the haves and the have nots gets bigger all the time. Almost all women survivors I try to talk to want nothing to do with me. Because I'm a guy who got repeatedly raped. And there's no freaking catagory in society for people like that.
Did you know that there are many therapists out there who think PTSD is a scam? In the military, it's a draft dodge. You try to get help, and what happens. PTSD is a joke, so go away. I don't deal with insurance bulls**t. So you deal with it. You struggle with dissociating and all the other symptoms. But nobody has the time to deal with you. You were stupid enough to get f****d in the ass more than once. So you fix it. I won't tolerate your stupidity or f*****g weakness. Just go away.
My therapist says, if I died tomorrow, the family would care. And I honestly don't know if that's true or not. Up until now, you can't be bothered to deal with my s**t. So why should I trust you now? Why would you suddenly change and actually give a f**k about what happens to me?
How do I deal with this? I compartmentalize and that helps some to cope. Because being a parent is a priviledge and not a right. But some m****rf*****s don't know s**t about that.
sights
sounds
colors
music samples
key words or phrases
and more
If these bother you, stop reading. Otherwise, continue and thanks for your support.
The pressure continues to build. Pick an issue: Obama and Hillary, Rev. Wright, the recession, attacking Iran and more. I really try to stay away from as many triggers as possible. But at times my intuiton has trouble sorting it all out. It's like reading the subtitles in what someone does or says. If you're in a crowded room, multiply that by ten or twenty. I still want to snap (usually in a crowded place). And I think, what do I do? If there's nowhere to hide and you see someone else, what do I do? You try to look cool and calm on the outside. But on the inside you feel like you're going to snap.
Then, when you try to get help, it still feels like nobody wants anything to do with you. Guys who are rape survivors and non vets are at the bottom of the food chain. Vets and women who have trauma are a step up. But as for the rest of you, just disappear and die. Nobody wants to be around you as you freak us out. So just hide in the corner and do us all a favor. We're trying to eat here, ok?
My therapist and I talk about never having a family. Biologically you do. But beyond that, no. We think, how can anybody be that f*****g sick to their own kid. We cry and wonder, can we trust anybody? Is EVERYBODY in the world like this? What do we do then? Now it seems like the gap between the haves and the have nots gets bigger all the time. Almost all women survivors I try to talk to want nothing to do with me. Because I'm a guy who got repeatedly raped. And there's no freaking catagory in society for people like that.
Did you know that there are many therapists out there who think PTSD is a scam? In the military, it's a draft dodge. You try to get help, and what happens. PTSD is a joke, so go away. I don't deal with insurance bulls**t. So you deal with it. You struggle with dissociating and all the other symptoms. But nobody has the time to deal with you. You were stupid enough to get f****d in the ass more than once. So you fix it. I won't tolerate your stupidity or f*****g weakness. Just go away.
My therapist says, if I died tomorrow, the family would care. And I honestly don't know if that's true or not. Up until now, you can't be bothered to deal with my s**t. So why should I trust you now? Why would you suddenly change and actually give a f**k about what happens to me?
How do I deal with this? I compartmentalize and that helps some to cope. Because being a parent is a priviledge and not a right. But some m****rf*****s don't know s**t about that.
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
How Far Can You Bend Before You Snap?
NOTE: This blog contains explicit content and "triggers" to help get points across:
sights
sounds
colors
key phrases and more
If these bother you, stop now. If not, keep going and thanks for your support.
Haven't been to therapy in a while for many reasons. The expense and my therapist is busy. Tomorrow I'll go back and talk about the dissociating.
Right now it's really severe and at times I don't know what to do. Lots of flashbacks still happen, and I have to fight to focus. Is this real or not? Where am I? I scream, I cry, I punch out walls or anything close to me. And once I even thought about suicide. But I won't do that.
If I did, I'd be giving all those m****rf*****s the satisfaction of saying, see, I told you he was a pathetic f**k up! Stupid piece of s**t. And I'll never do that. My multiples and little kid keep asking, how come nobody cares? I don't know what to say. But I do know compartmentalizing helps to cope. Still, when I feel like killing the checkout person, what do I do then?
sights
sounds
colors
key phrases and more
If these bother you, stop now. If not, keep going and thanks for your support.
Haven't been to therapy in a while for many reasons. The expense and my therapist is busy. Tomorrow I'll go back and talk about the dissociating.
Right now it's really severe and at times I don't know what to do. Lots of flashbacks still happen, and I have to fight to focus. Is this real or not? Where am I? I scream, I cry, I punch out walls or anything close to me. And once I even thought about suicide. But I won't do that.
If I did, I'd be giving all those m****rf*****s the satisfaction of saying, see, I told you he was a pathetic f**k up! Stupid piece of s**t. And I'll never do that. My multiples and little kid keep asking, how come nobody cares? I don't know what to say. But I do know compartmentalizing helps to cope. Still, when I feel like killing the checkout person, what do I do then?
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
How do survivors cope with extreme stress?
NOTE: This blog contains explicit language and content, including occasional "triggers." These can be potentially harmful:
sights
sounds
key words or phrases
and more
If these bother you, stop reading now. If not, keep going and thanks for your support.
The past few days have been brutal with lots of morphing and dissociating. At times my little kid and multiples feel like 35 years of s**t is caving in all at once. I do all the helpful holistic stuff. And it still hits hard. My therapist says to just keep going and it will pass. Part of me understands that. But also, I think will I always have this?
The terror of the whole world not caring hits hard. You don't know who to trust. What do I do? What do I say? You cry at night and only want someone to listen. But it feels like the world says, only women get raped. If you're a guy and you're stupid enough to get raped NOT ONCE but MANY TIMES, what the f**k's wrong with you? And after that it's piss off.
But I'll never stop talking. And, remember this election year to vote your conscience. And not a catagory.
sights
sounds
key words or phrases
and more
If these bother you, stop reading now. If not, keep going and thanks for your support.
The past few days have been brutal with lots of morphing and dissociating. At times my little kid and multiples feel like 35 years of s**t is caving in all at once. I do all the helpful holistic stuff. And it still hits hard. My therapist says to just keep going and it will pass. Part of me understands that. But also, I think will I always have this?
The terror of the whole world not caring hits hard. You don't know who to trust. What do I do? What do I say? You cry at night and only want someone to listen. But it feels like the world says, only women get raped. If you're a guy and you're stupid enough to get raped NOT ONCE but MANY TIMES, what the f**k's wrong with you? And after that it's piss off.
But I'll never stop talking. And, remember this election year to vote your conscience. And not a catagory.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Fighting to Maintain that Balance
NOTE:
This blog contains explicit language and at times uses potentially harmful "triggers":
sights
sounds
colors
key phrases
and more
These are only used to help get across key points. If these bother you, stop reading now. If not, continue and thanks for the support.
Went to therapy, and at times it was frustrating. Every client reaches points where you feel stuck and wonder, what now? Is this a never-ending Woody Allen movie? Or will I someday be ok?
Some of the hardest things to deal with right now are when flahsbacks happen. And it feels like it's humiliating and the WHOLE WORLD is looking and saying, what the f**k do you want from me? You fix this. People laugh at you, people treat you like s**t. And you're supposed to fix it all and never be human with actual emotions and more that all trauma surivivors have. Another thing. The fact that my father put his career first over the physical and emotional welfare of his own kid. Can't piss off the boss,. So just shut the f**k up and go away.
How is a little kid supposed to deal with that?
This blog contains explicit language and at times uses potentially harmful "triggers":
sights
sounds
colors
key phrases
and more
These are only used to help get across key points. If these bother you, stop reading now. If not, continue and thanks for the support.
Went to therapy, and at times it was frustrating. Every client reaches points where you feel stuck and wonder, what now? Is this a never-ending Woody Allen movie? Or will I someday be ok?
Some of the hardest things to deal with right now are when flahsbacks happen. And it feels like it's humiliating and the WHOLE WORLD is looking and saying, what the f**k do you want from me? You fix this. People laugh at you, people treat you like s**t. And you're supposed to fix it all and never be human with actual emotions and more that all trauma surivivors have. Another thing. The fact that my father put his career first over the physical and emotional welfare of his own kid. Can't piss off the boss,. So just shut the f**k up and go away.
How is a little kid supposed to deal with that?
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Time for some resouces (part1)
NOTE:
This blog contains explicit content with some occasional "triggers":
sights
sounds
key words or phrases
music samples
colors
noises
Any or all of these can be potentially harmful to trauma survivors. So why put them here? Because sometimes these help to get important points across. If these bother you, stop reading now and try again alter. If not, keep going and thanks for the support.
Today, some vicious dissociating. But now things are feeling a little bit better. Which is a good time to start talking about support sites, groups and more. I'm not trying to dis anybody. Instead, for anyone who's trying to navigate their way thru starting to heal, hopefully these are helpful ideas.
First, keep in mind that support sites can be helpful. But all sites are a microcosm of the world. You have the whole range of people (from nice to nightmares). Sometimes there are clicks that you have to deal with. Somebody will always disagree with you and you'll probably get flamed too.
What do you do then? I've found that most after a while don't help. So I'm very reluctant to talk about this in a public way and out myself. The truth is, to many people having PTSD is being "mentally ill." And if you expose yourself to the wrong people, it can seriously hurt you in many ways.
Instead, don't think of PTSD as being a mental illness. Don't get hung up on techincal terms or various therapists who constantly debate studies. Realize it's a problem that you're working on to heal from.
Another point. Everyone is responsible for what they do and say. Especially destructive familes and others who caused your trauma. If necessary, you cut yourself off from them. Why? Because it's a matter of survival (literally). In my experience, nobody really cares and wants to deal with you and your PTSD from being raped. So where necessary, I cut myself off from them. Why be around people who are constant triggers? This can be tough when dealing with family or friends. But again, what do you do? Stay in a destructive situation? Or start to heal?
From time to time, I'll add links to various sites that can be helpful in healing. NOTE: I'm not responsible for the content/quality/results that come from using these sources. I'll do my best to try and find what seem to be quality sources. But beyond that, you're on your own.
If you come across helpful sites, please psost the URL in a comment. Then I'll add it to the links. Thanks!
This blog contains explicit content with some occasional "triggers":
sights
sounds
key words or phrases
music samples
colors
noises
Any or all of these can be potentially harmful to trauma survivors. So why put them here? Because sometimes these help to get important points across. If these bother you, stop reading now and try again alter. If not, keep going and thanks for the support.
Today, some vicious dissociating. But now things are feeling a little bit better. Which is a good time to start talking about support sites, groups and more. I'm not trying to dis anybody. Instead, for anyone who's trying to navigate their way thru starting to heal, hopefully these are helpful ideas.
First, keep in mind that support sites can be helpful. But all sites are a microcosm of the world. You have the whole range of people (from nice to nightmares). Sometimes there are clicks that you have to deal with. Somebody will always disagree with you and you'll probably get flamed too.
What do you do then? I've found that most after a while don't help. So I'm very reluctant to talk about this in a public way and out myself. The truth is, to many people having PTSD is being "mentally ill." And if you expose yourself to the wrong people, it can seriously hurt you in many ways.
Instead, don't think of PTSD as being a mental illness. Don't get hung up on techincal terms or various therapists who constantly debate studies. Realize it's a problem that you're working on to heal from.
Another point. Everyone is responsible for what they do and say. Especially destructive familes and others who caused your trauma. If necessary, you cut yourself off from them. Why? Because it's a matter of survival (literally). In my experience, nobody really cares and wants to deal with you and your PTSD from being raped. So where necessary, I cut myself off from them. Why be around people who are constant triggers? This can be tough when dealing with family or friends. But again, what do you do? Stay in a destructive situation? Or start to heal?
From time to time, I'll add links to various sites that can be helpful in healing. NOTE: I'm not responsible for the content/quality/results that come from using these sources. I'll do my best to try and find what seem to be quality sources. But beyond that, you're on your own.
If you come across helpful sites, please psost the URL in a comment. Then I'll add it to the links. Thanks!
Saturday, April 12, 2008
A Very Rough Stretch
NOTE:
This blog contains explicit content about trauma that includes some "triggers." These are many things that may be potenitally harmful to trauma survivors:
sights
sounds
music samples
colors
key words or phrases
These are only used to help get across important points. If these bother you, stop reading now and come back later. If it's ok, keep going. And thanks for the growing support.
Went to therapy yesterday, and it was another brutal session. My multiples, little kid and I all talked to the therapist. A lot of flashbacks, jump cuts to being raped, the a*****e who raped me going down on me, and other sick crap. Then, more fear. How come nobody pays attention? We know it's not our fault. But we tell someone and nobody cares. Nobody cares what you think. You f****d up so you fix this s**t. I don't have time for your crap. We scream and want to smash the therapist's office. Fortunately for all of us we don't. Instead though your body feels like you're going to literally short out. You know this isn't real. Nobody is f*****g me in the ass. He's not getting off on this. But why doensn't your body listen to you?
Where are we? Are we there getting raped again? Or are we somewhere else? The therapist says, look around you. What room are you in? Is this a*****e here? We look behind chairs and behind the doors. Maybe he's in another room. In an old lucid dream two other psycho pedophiles broke into my apt. We wanted to kill them, but we were paralyzed by fear. They grabbed us and we couldn't move. We had to focus really hard and THEN suddenly we could. We grabbed some scissors and cut them into a million pieces. Then we dragged their bodies out the door. Then we checked around for any others. Finally we could focus a little and see where we were.
We're using a lot of herbs to try and cope with all this. There's no way we'll ever go back to anti-depressants. Nobody listened when those were problems. So we had to go cold turkey on our own. 30 days of the worst hallucinations and OCD you can imagine. But what else could we do?
At times we still have to focus hard so we don't disappear. But also I won't talk about this with anyone outside of my therapist. It freaks people out (even after they keep saying, oh I can handle anything. Sharing is good for you). Then they cut you off and you think, what the f**k. Why did you waste my time when you knew you were going to just leave anyway? It's the different levels of abuse. At the top are vets with PTSD from combat or rape (mostly women but also some guys too). Next are women who get raped. Society can deal with this in a way. It's "normal" (for lack of a better word). Then, you have guys who get raped. But unless you're a celebrity or were raped by a priest, nobody wants to listen to you.
Why is that? Is it because it's their worst nightmare staring them in the face? Is it because there's no way to make money off it if it's a non-celebrity author? So instead, just shut up and go away. We just don't talk about s**t like this in public. And you fix it. Does this mean that in one sense society has no tolerance for guys (who in their view) are stupid enough to get raped? I mean, if it's a woman, I can understand that. But what the f**k's wrong with you? Not once but several times? What's your f*****g problem?
In the rare times that I have talked about this, people either cut me off or manipulated the hell out of it for their own ends. Which means aside from my therapist and one or two other places, this is the only outlet I have.
This blog contains explicit content about trauma that includes some "triggers." These are many things that may be potenitally harmful to trauma survivors:
sights
sounds
music samples
colors
key words or phrases
These are only used to help get across important points. If these bother you, stop reading now and come back later. If it's ok, keep going. And thanks for the growing support.
Went to therapy yesterday, and it was another brutal session. My multiples, little kid and I all talked to the therapist. A lot of flashbacks, jump cuts to being raped, the a*****e who raped me going down on me, and other sick crap. Then, more fear. How come nobody pays attention? We know it's not our fault. But we tell someone and nobody cares. Nobody cares what you think. You f****d up so you fix this s**t. I don't have time for your crap. We scream and want to smash the therapist's office. Fortunately for all of us we don't. Instead though your body feels like you're going to literally short out. You know this isn't real. Nobody is f*****g me in the ass. He's not getting off on this. But why doensn't your body listen to you?
Where are we? Are we there getting raped again? Or are we somewhere else? The therapist says, look around you. What room are you in? Is this a*****e here? We look behind chairs and behind the doors. Maybe he's in another room. In an old lucid dream two other psycho pedophiles broke into my apt. We wanted to kill them, but we were paralyzed by fear. They grabbed us and we couldn't move. We had to focus really hard and THEN suddenly we could. We grabbed some scissors and cut them into a million pieces. Then we dragged their bodies out the door. Then we checked around for any others. Finally we could focus a little and see where we were.
We're using a lot of herbs to try and cope with all this. There's no way we'll ever go back to anti-depressants. Nobody listened when those were problems. So we had to go cold turkey on our own. 30 days of the worst hallucinations and OCD you can imagine. But what else could we do?
At times we still have to focus hard so we don't disappear. But also I won't talk about this with anyone outside of my therapist. It freaks people out (even after they keep saying, oh I can handle anything. Sharing is good for you). Then they cut you off and you think, what the f**k. Why did you waste my time when you knew you were going to just leave anyway? It's the different levels of abuse. At the top are vets with PTSD from combat or rape (mostly women but also some guys too). Next are women who get raped. Society can deal with this in a way. It's "normal" (for lack of a better word). Then, you have guys who get raped. But unless you're a celebrity or were raped by a priest, nobody wants to listen to you.
Why is that? Is it because it's their worst nightmare staring them in the face? Is it because there's no way to make money off it if it's a non-celebrity author? So instead, just shut up and go away. We just don't talk about s**t like this in public. And you fix it. Does this mean that in one sense society has no tolerance for guys (who in their view) are stupid enough to get raped? I mean, if it's a woman, I can understand that. But what the f**k's wrong with you? Not once but several times? What's your f*****g problem?
In the rare times that I have talked about this, people either cut me off or manipulated the hell out of it for their own ends. Which means aside from my therapist and one or two other places, this is the only outlet I have.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Where is this coming from?
NOTE:
This blog contains explicit content including "triggers." These are many things that can be potentially harmful to trauma survivors:
sights
sounds
music
colors
key words or phrases
and more
If these bother you, stop reading now and come back later. If not, keep reading. And please pass this blog onto anyone you think it might help.
Why is this happening? All this week I've been getting hit hard with flashbacks, adrenalin surges and sick twisted thoughts (mainly about being raped again). I try to do all the right things. But it still happens. My therapist says it's one of my multiples reflecting what the sick m****rf****r and others said for so long. You fight to focus and stop this crap. But at times it's like the other person just won't back off.
Then at night you cry and try to sleep. But the nightmares keep coming.
This blog contains explicit content including "triggers." These are many things that can be potentially harmful to trauma survivors:
sights
sounds
music
colors
key words or phrases
and more
If these bother you, stop reading now and come back later. If not, keep reading. And please pass this blog onto anyone you think it might help.
Why is this happening? All this week I've been getting hit hard with flashbacks, adrenalin surges and sick twisted thoughts (mainly about being raped again). I try to do all the right things. But it still happens. My therapist says it's one of my multiples reflecting what the sick m****rf****r and others said for so long. You fight to focus and stop this crap. But at times it's like the other person just won't back off.
Then at night you cry and try to sleep. But the nightmares keep coming.
Saturday, April 5, 2008
What's Real and What's Not?
NOTE:
This blog contains explicit content including "triggers"(sights, sounds, phrases and more) that may be disturbing/potentially harmful to trauma survivors. If this bothers you, leave now and if you feel safer later, then come back. If not, keep going and please pass this blog onto anyone that it might help.
I decided to try something new today. When dissociating hits, slowly face what's happening and see that it's not there. Being raped again, being with an old partner, etc. The old partner would be great. But you have to stop and literally feel the space next to you in bed, the pillow and more. No one's there. In the past she was there. But now, nothing. It takes time and can be frustrating to do. But it seems like as you do that it cuts on down old rituals tied to dissociating.
The frustration is still there. How come the rest of the world seems to be happy and NOBODY wants anything to do with male rape survivors? Right now (aside from my therapist), I literally have nowhere to go to get help here in the States. I have to go abroad to find properly trained people in PTSD. Here in the land of "the greatest health care in the world."
This blog contains explicit content including "triggers"(sights, sounds, phrases and more) that may be disturbing/potentially harmful to trauma survivors. If this bothers you, leave now and if you feel safer later, then come back. If not, keep going and please pass this blog onto anyone that it might help.
I decided to try something new today. When dissociating hits, slowly face what's happening and see that it's not there. Being raped again, being with an old partner, etc. The old partner would be great. But you have to stop and literally feel the space next to you in bed, the pillow and more. No one's there. In the past she was there. But now, nothing. It takes time and can be frustrating to do. But it seems like as you do that it cuts on down old rituals tied to dissociating.
The frustration is still there. How come the rest of the world seems to be happy and NOBODY wants anything to do with male rape survivors? Right now (aside from my therapist), I literally have nowhere to go to get help here in the States. I have to go abroad to find properly trained people in PTSD. Here in the land of "the greatest health care in the world."
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
Doing What You Have to to Survive
NOTE: This blog contains explicit content including occasional "triggers". These can be many things that are upsetting to trauma survivors:
sights
sounds
phrases
music
colors
noises
and many others
If these bother you, stop reading now. If they don't, keep going. And please pass this blog onto anyone that you think it might help.
Another rough day. In-between a doctors appointment and other things, lots of dissociating. I thought I was going to attack the doctor when she came in. After I left I thought, how do I get from here to my car? How do I go from the office back home? I sit in my car and scream for about ten minutes trying to focus. Finally I think I can do it. But then I'm driving down the freeway, screaming and fighting to not black out. I come back home, go inside, close all the drapes and then fight even more to focus.
Then, I think, maybe I can focus now. But later, it's more of the same crap. I come back and fight for another hour or two. After that, I think maybe I can focus. At times my therapist says to just "go with the moment". I disagreee. Because if I do that, I'll literally fall apart. It's not a matter of trying to control every thought in your head. Instead, it's trying to not dissociate and vanish. In the past I've blacked out. Then when you wake up, you have no idea of where you are. What did you do or say? Where did you go?
I was telling someone earlier tonight, when this happens 24/7, how do you cope with this? How do you not snap in a crowded place and then get arrested for assault? It literally feels like almost everywhere I turn nobody can be bothered with listening. I told the doctor a little about being raped and PTSD and got the standard "that's not in my specialty" reply. Did she say that only because of that? Or were there other reasons as well (I remind her of someone who abused her? It freaks her out that a guy got raped more than once. After all, only women get raped. And naturally we NEVER EVER talk about guys getting raped. Because that's just not done in polite society).
One thing I'll never do is just give up, roll over and literally die. I refuse to give the m****rf*****s that treated me like shit the satisfaction. At the same time, I'd like just one day that's symptom free.
sights
sounds
phrases
music
colors
noises
and many others
If these bother you, stop reading now. If they don't, keep going. And please pass this blog onto anyone that you think it might help.
Another rough day. In-between a doctors appointment and other things, lots of dissociating. I thought I was going to attack the doctor when she came in. After I left I thought, how do I get from here to my car? How do I go from the office back home? I sit in my car and scream for about ten minutes trying to focus. Finally I think I can do it. But then I'm driving down the freeway, screaming and fighting to not black out. I come back home, go inside, close all the drapes and then fight even more to focus.
Then, I think, maybe I can focus now. But later, it's more of the same crap. I come back and fight for another hour or two. After that, I think maybe I can focus. At times my therapist says to just "go with the moment". I disagreee. Because if I do that, I'll literally fall apart. It's not a matter of trying to control every thought in your head. Instead, it's trying to not dissociate and vanish. In the past I've blacked out. Then when you wake up, you have no idea of where you are. What did you do or say? Where did you go?
I was telling someone earlier tonight, when this happens 24/7, how do you cope with this? How do you not snap in a crowded place and then get arrested for assault? It literally feels like almost everywhere I turn nobody can be bothered with listening. I told the doctor a little about being raped and PTSD and got the standard "that's not in my specialty" reply. Did she say that only because of that? Or were there other reasons as well (I remind her of someone who abused her? It freaks her out that a guy got raped more than once. After all, only women get raped. And naturally we NEVER EVER talk about guys getting raped. Because that's just not done in polite society).
One thing I'll never do is just give up, roll over and literally die. I refuse to give the m****rf*****s that treated me like shit the satisfaction. At the same time, I'd like just one day that's symptom free.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Finally Some Relief?
NOTE:
This blog contains explicit content including "triggers." These can be anything from sights and sounds to key phrases that might be harmful to trauma survivors. If you can handle these, keep going. If not, stop now. And maybe try again later when you're feeling better. Thanks for checking this out. And please pass this onto anybody you think it might help.
Sorry to be offline for a while. This past week has been non-stop symptoms. I feel like I'm getting hammered into the ground every single day. The rest of the world seems to be happy. And I'm hiding in the corner screaming and trying not to snap.
Triggers are everywhere. I rarely watch U.S. these days because it's like, what's the point? Also, it's hard to keep my anger in check. One reason is because of how guy rape survivors are treated.
It seems like there's a three-tier system. At the top are vets and former vets with PTSD from combat, being exposed to uranium, being raped, etc. Then, you have women trauma survivors (many times rape). And then at the very bottom are guys who were raped.
When was the last time you saw a guy rape survivor talk in public that wasn't abused by a Catholic priest? It's like there's some unwritten rule. If it's ratings sweeps week, THEN we get the guy who was abused by the priest. We NEVER EVER talk to a guy rape survivor that was raped by somebody else (father, uncle, whatever). Why the double standard? It freaks people out. If a women gets raped then that's "normal" (for lack of a better word). If a guy gets raped, it's too weird. Guys never get raped. So instantly there's something wrong with you. Or, you being a guy remind the woman of the asshole that raped her. Even though she says, please share your story and you do she cuts you off. Which makes you think, then why did you say share your story? I've been cut off and censored many times. And it's like being raped all over again.
I ask my therapist about this. He says, it's f****d up. But that's the system right now. This means the vets and the women rape survivors get the attention. They appear on the talk shows, write the books, work the lecture circuit and all the rest of it. Meanwhile, the number of guy rape survivors continues to grow. But nobody wants anything to do with you.
How are we supposed to get better? If we literally have nowhere to go or talk, what are WE supposed to do?
This blog contains explicit content including "triggers." These can be anything from sights and sounds to key phrases that might be harmful to trauma survivors. If you can handle these, keep going. If not, stop now. And maybe try again later when you're feeling better. Thanks for checking this out. And please pass this onto anybody you think it might help.
Sorry to be offline for a while. This past week has been non-stop symptoms. I feel like I'm getting hammered into the ground every single day. The rest of the world seems to be happy. And I'm hiding in the corner screaming and trying not to snap.
Triggers are everywhere. I rarely watch U.S. these days because it's like, what's the point? Also, it's hard to keep my anger in check. One reason is because of how guy rape survivors are treated.
It seems like there's a three-tier system. At the top are vets and former vets with PTSD from combat, being exposed to uranium, being raped, etc. Then, you have women trauma survivors (many times rape). And then at the very bottom are guys who were raped.
When was the last time you saw a guy rape survivor talk in public that wasn't abused by a Catholic priest? It's like there's some unwritten rule. If it's ratings sweeps week, THEN we get the guy who was abused by the priest. We NEVER EVER talk to a guy rape survivor that was raped by somebody else (father, uncle, whatever). Why the double standard? It freaks people out. If a women gets raped then that's "normal" (for lack of a better word). If a guy gets raped, it's too weird. Guys never get raped. So instantly there's something wrong with you. Or, you being a guy remind the woman of the asshole that raped her. Even though she says, please share your story and you do she cuts you off. Which makes you think, then why did you say share your story? I've been cut off and censored many times. And it's like being raped all over again.
I ask my therapist about this. He says, it's f****d up. But that's the system right now. This means the vets and the women rape survivors get the attention. They appear on the talk shows, write the books, work the lecture circuit and all the rest of it. Meanwhile, the number of guy rape survivors continues to grow. But nobody wants anything to do with you.
How are we supposed to get better? If we literally have nowhere to go or talk, what are WE supposed to do?
Monday, March 17, 2008
Trying to Fight Thru Dissociating
NOTE: This blog contains explicit content and occasional "triggers". Some examples:
Key words or phrases
sights
sounds
a noise
color
and others
The purpose here is to use them where necessary to get the points across. If these bother you, stop now. If not, keep going and please pass this onto anybody it might help.
Today's another long day battling dissociating. I'm staying away from all triggers that would lead to this as much as possible. But still it happens. Lately it's old sights and sounds that come out of nowhere. My therapist says it happened for so long that now it's like automatic. I do lots of holistic things and it still happens. At times I scream and I think I'm going to pass out. The usual ways to ground yourself don't work. You stop and exercise for a while and that doesn't help. So what do you do then?
I still have meetings with my multiples and little kid. The terror of falling off the cliff is still there. Will it ever stop? I don't know. They keep asking, how come this happened? How come nobody cares? There are only so many ways you can say, I don't know.
Key words or phrases
sights
sounds
a noise
color
and others
The purpose here is to use them where necessary to get the points across. If these bother you, stop now. If not, keep going and please pass this onto anybody it might help.
Today's another long day battling dissociating. I'm staying away from all triggers that would lead to this as much as possible. But still it happens. Lately it's old sights and sounds that come out of nowhere. My therapist says it happened for so long that now it's like automatic. I do lots of holistic things and it still happens. At times I scream and I think I'm going to pass out. The usual ways to ground yourself don't work. You stop and exercise for a while and that doesn't help. So what do you do then?
I still have meetings with my multiples and little kid. The terror of falling off the cliff is still there. Will it ever stop? I don't know. They keep asking, how come this happened? How come nobody cares? There are only so many ways you can say, I don't know.
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