Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Ready to Explode

NOTeE: This blog contains explicit content and occasional "triggers". These can be anything from sights, sounds and key words to colors that all bring back flashbacks and more. They're only used to get key points across. If these bother you, stop reading now. Otherwise, keep going and thanks for the support.

Long time no posts, I know. I've been bombarded with symptoms and trying to balance that with job hunting and more. Sometimes symptoms are so bad I feel like I'm going to black out again. Then I'll have no idea of where I am. What did I say and do? Did I hurt anybody? Sometimes I go out and I feel like I'm in Baghdad. Is it safe? What about triggers? What happens if they happen? How do I protect myself? What if I snap? The questions just won't stop and sometimes I just want to sit in the middle of the aisle and cry. Then, how do I get out of the store and back home? I stand in the checkout line and someone is about 2 feet behind me. Odds are they aren't armed. But I still think, if he attacks me, how do I stop him? What weapon can I grab? Do I have to stab him or not? I go in a restaurant and I feel like everybody is looking at me. Part of me knows they're not. But another part can't shake that fear.

I almost threw out my TV today. I was so pissed off because now that Obama is the Democratic nominee, both sides will do ANYTHING to win. Which means that nothing is going to get done between now and November. It's going to be non-stop racist crap that people will spin and bitch about. But nobody will do s**t about it, because it sells. Which means that it must be news? My intuition is screaming that I'm about 4 steps ahead of everybody else. Nobody cares. And many of those that appear to care really don't. All that matters now in this election year is book deals, lecture tours, money and power. If you really think Bush is a war criminal, why did you wait 5 months before the election to plug your book that says he is? Why didn't you do this 8 years ago?

Meanwhile, survivors with PTSD continue to be political pawns. I called several Senate offices today; Reid, Boxer, Obama and Kennedy. I left this blog's URL with Boxer and Kennedy's. Maybe they'll check this out?

My multiples and little kid are still terrified. Will anybody ever care? If they never have up until now, will anybody ever touch us or reassure us in any way? Sometimes the hypocracy is so bad I wanna kill. I won't, of course. But triggers are everywhere. So right now, everything has to be edited 24/7.

Why doesn't anybody listen? Maybe because nobody wants to face their worst nightmare: being raped and feeling like you don't exist. And on top of that, nobody gives a s**t.

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