Friday, June 27, 2008

Fighting Back Really Hard

This blog contains explicit content about one person fighting PTSD from sex abuse. Occasionally I use "triggers" to get points across. These can be things like sights, sounds, music samples, a key word and more. If these bother you, stop now. Otherwise, keep going and thanks for your support.

Went to my GP today. The good news? It's not cancer. The bad news? I felt trapped in the office when dissociaitng hit. How do I get past this? Oh, now I'm in an examining room. What do I do? How do I get past this? What if the dr. walks in and doesn't understand? Somehow I didn't totally snap while we talked. Then, I went and hid in two bathrooms while trying to focus. And I still couldn't it. You feel like a rat trapped in a cage. Everything you do doesn't work. You think you're going to snap. And then what happens? You f*****g pissed off at the sick m****rf****r that raped you. If it wasn't for this sick asshole, NONE OF THIS S**T WOULD BE HAPPENING!

I got back to my car, drove back home, closed all the drapes and then screamed and fought for almost an hour till FINALLY I felt balanced again. Imagine having this 24/7 for years with no end. Everything you try to do doesn't work. Nobody listens and nobody cares. What do you do then? I won't go back to using or kill myself. So what happens when this hits and you feel like nothing works?

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