How Far Can You Bend Before You Snap?

NOTE: This blog contains explicit content and "triggers" to help get points across:

sights
sounds
colors
key phrases and more

If these bother you, stop now. If not, keep going and thanks for your support.

Haven't been to therapy in a while for many reasons. The expense and my therapist is busy. Tomorrow I'll go back and talk about the dissociating.

Right now it's really severe and at times I don't know what to do. Lots of flashbacks still happen, and I have to fight to focus. Is this real or not? Where am I? I scream, I cry, I punch out walls or anything close to me. And once I even thought about suicide. But I won't do that.

If I did, I'd be giving all those m****rf*****s the satisfaction of saying, see, I told you he was a pathetic f**k up! Stupid piece of s**t. And I'll never do that. My multiples and little kid keep asking, how come nobody cares? I don't know what to say. But I do know compartmentalizing helps to cope. Still, when I feel like killing the checkout person, what do I do then?