Saturday, April 12, 2008

A Very Rough Stretch

This blog contains explicit content about trauma that includes some "triggers." These are many things that may be potenitally harmful to trauma survivors:

music samples
key words or phrases

These are only used to help get across important points. If these bother you, stop reading now and come back later. If it's ok, keep going. And thanks for the growing support.

Went to therapy yesterday, and it was another brutal session. My multiples, little kid and I all talked to the therapist. A lot of flashbacks, jump cuts to being raped, the a*****e who raped me going down on me, and other sick crap. Then, more fear. How come nobody pays attention? We know it's not our fault. But we tell someone and nobody cares. Nobody cares what you think. You f****d up so you fix this s**t. I don't have time for your crap. We scream and want to smash the therapist's office. Fortunately for all of us we don't. Instead though your body feels like you're going to literally short out. You know this isn't real. Nobody is f*****g me in the ass. He's not getting off on this. But why doensn't your body listen to you?

Where are we? Are we there getting raped again? Or are we somewhere else? The therapist says, look around you. What room are you in? Is this a*****e here? We look behind chairs and behind the doors. Maybe he's in another room. In an old lucid dream two other psycho pedophiles broke into my apt. We wanted to kill them, but we were paralyzed by fear. They grabbed us and we couldn't move. We had to focus really hard and THEN suddenly we could. We grabbed some scissors and cut them into a million pieces. Then we dragged their bodies out the door. Then we checked around for any others. Finally we could focus a little and see where we were.

We're using a lot of herbs to try and cope with all this. There's no way we'll ever go back to anti-depressants. Nobody listened when those were problems. So we had to go cold turkey on our own. 30 days of the worst hallucinations and OCD you can imagine. But what else could we do?

At times we still have to focus hard so we don't disappear. But also I won't talk about this with anyone outside of my therapist. It freaks people out (even after they keep saying, oh I can handle anything. Sharing is good for you). Then they cut you off and you think, what the f**k. Why did you waste my time when you knew you were going to just leave anyway? It's the different levels of abuse. At the top are vets with PTSD from combat or rape (mostly women but also some guys too). Next are women who get raped. Society can deal with this in a way. It's "normal" (for lack of a better word). Then, you have guys who get raped. But unless you're a celebrity or were raped by a priest, nobody wants to listen to you.

Why is that? Is it because it's their worst nightmare staring them in the face? Is it because there's no way to make money off it if it's a non-celebrity author? So instead, just shut up and go away. We just don't talk about s**t like this in public. And you fix it. Does this mean that in one sense society has no tolerance for guys (who in their view) are stupid enough to get raped? I mean, if it's a woman, I can understand that. But what the f**k's wrong with you? Not once but several times? What's your f*****g problem?

In the rare times that I have talked about this, people either cut me off or manipulated the hell out of it for their own ends. Which means aside from my therapist and one or two other places, this is the only outlet I have.

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