Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Doing What You Have to to Survive

NOTE: This blog contains explicit content including occasional "triggers". These can be many things that are upsetting to trauma survivors:

and many others

If these bother you, stop reading now. If they don't, keep going. And please pass this blog onto anyone that you think it might help.

Another rough day. In-between a doctors appointment and other things, lots of dissociating. I thought I was going to attack the doctor when she came in. After I left I thought, how do I get from here to my car? How do I go from the office back home? I sit in my car and scream for about ten minutes trying to focus. Finally I think I can do it. But then I'm driving down the freeway, screaming and fighting to not black out. I come back home, go inside, close all the drapes and then fight even more to focus.

Then, I think, maybe I can focus now. But later, it's more of the same crap. I come back and fight for another hour or two. After that, I think maybe I can focus. At times my therapist says to just "go with the moment". I disagreee. Because if I do that, I'll literally fall apart. It's not a matter of trying to control every thought in your head. Instead, it's trying to not dissociate and vanish. In the past I've blacked out. Then when you wake up, you have no idea of where you are. What did you do or say? Where did you go?

I was telling someone earlier tonight, when this happens 24/7, how do you cope with this? How do you not snap in a crowded place and then get arrested for assault? It literally feels like almost everywhere I turn nobody can be bothered with listening. I told the doctor a little about being raped and PTSD and got the standard "that's not in my specialty" reply. Did she say that only because of that? Or were there other reasons as well (I remind her of someone who abused her? It freaks her out that a guy got raped more than once. After all, only women get raped. And naturally we NEVER EVER talk about guys getting raped. Because that's just not done in polite society).

One thing I'll never do is just give up, roll over and literally die. I refuse to give the m****rf*****s that treated me like shit the satisfaction. At the same time, I'd like just one day that's symptom free.

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