Monday, December 15, 2008

Doing Whatever It Takes

This blog is one person's fight against horrible PTSD from being repeatedly raped. Occasionally I use "triggers" (sights, sounds, colors and more) to get important points across. But never to hurt anyone. If this bothers you, stop reading now. Otherwise, keep going and thanks for the support.

Staying in tonight and catching up. But in an easy way. Today was another horrible battle against dissociating. You do all the positive things. And you still feel like you're going to snap. You're going to morph and just fall apart. Sometimes you scream, you cry. And you think, why does this have to happen? Because it's trauma flooding out. And it has to come out.

But as it does, you really have to fight hard to keep a positive balance. If adrenalin surges happen, you have to literally focus hard and push back to keep your balance. If not, you feel like you're going to fall apart. If you do dissociate, many times it feels like you're walking around in a trance.You're looking for a way out. But you can't find it.

For some people some weird thought happens and you can stop it in two seconds and go on. For others, it takes hours and hours to get past it. You punch out the walls, you scream and you don't know what else to do but to fight back. Otherwise you'll fall apart.

But you have to be careful. Because being a guy survivor, nobody will pay attention. Nobody wants to listen. So what do you do? If someone says go ahead and share and then they say go away you freak me out, what do you say?

We're not going to roll over and die. The sick m****rf****r that f****d us in the ass used EMDR lights to lure his victims into his room. And it happened more than once. Why did it happen? It's not our fault. But NOBODY has ever acknowledged it. It's like, nobody cares so just shut up and you fix it. And we will never tolerate talking about this s**t.

Fine. You then cut these people off and move on. But what happens when nobody touches you or says "I'm sorry you were raped"? What do you do then?

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