Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Getting Hit Hard Every Day

This blog talks about one person's fight against PTSd from repeated rape. Sometimes I use "triggers" (sights, sounds, colors, and more) to get points across. But never to hurt other survivors. If this bothers you, stop reading now. Otherwise, keep going and thanks for the support.

How was your day today? Here it was rough. Got hit hard all day by horrible dissociating and more. Then I just stopped and turned everything off. Triggers are everywhere. Literally if you try and think of one positive thing instantly a billion flashbacks happen. And sometimes I feel like I'm going to snap. Despite doing all of the positive things to ground yourself, it keeps coming.

EMDR is still helpful. But my multiples and little kid are terrified. Why do we have to go back and be raped again? How come nobody pays attention? Does anybody care at all? What if he stabs us and kills us? Will anybody notice then?

How do you answer that? Sometimes just saying I don't know is a bad idea. But there's that despair of feeling like NOBODY WILL LISTEN TO YOU. So what do you do then? On the one hand people say please share. Then you do and suddenly they're gone.

What did you do? If this freaks you out so much why did you spend all that time saying please share? Why did you waste your time and ours? You can say, it's true that some people don't know that guy survivors exist. But also, what do you do when NOBODY will admit you exist. People won't touch you, nobody will say I'm sorry you're raped. Why? Because it's too much of an "inconvenience"? Because you're not a woman survivor? So that's their get out of jail free card which allows them to get the f**k of there, thank God.

I'm not going to do any drugs again. I won't off myself. So what do we do now?

Do you sometimes get the feeling that there's a Universal Agreement that says we will NEVER talk about guy survivors. Women are ok. But guys are too f*****g weird. I mean, my God, what the hell would our audience say? What would management say? Just go away.

If you call someone on this, suddenly they have time to say, oh yes, this is a problem for guys as well. If that's true, then why didn't you mention this before I called you and forced you to do that?

Flashbacks still happen. You scream, punch out walls and fight to not black out. But what happens when it feels like nobody will listen to you?

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