Sunday, December 7, 2008

Fighting Dissociating

This blog is one person's fight against horrible PTSD from being raped. Sometimes I use "triggers" (sights, sounds and more) to get a point across. If this bothers you, stop reading now. Otherwise, keep going and thanks for the support.

Went to therapy and we're still using EMDR. My multiples and little kid still agree that this is a helpful thing to do (to face being raped head on). But the bad part is the despair. Why did we get raped? How come nobody pays attention. Everywhere you turn you're screaming for help. But nobody cares because the whole world is s**t. So shut the f**k up and you fix it. Because if you don't you'll die. And nobody gives a s**t about your thoughts, feelings, desires and more.

So what do you do then? I'll turn and silently scream instead of causing a scene with others. Because they obviously don't give a f**k about us.

When animals have severe trauma, they shake violently when they dissociate to try and fight back to a sense of balance. Imagine doing that every day for about 30 years to be able to cop. Nobody will acknowledge you or have any sense of empathy at all. So what do you do then?

Horrible flashbacks and dissociating still happen. My fight-or-flight mechanism is still stuck. Which means you have to fight really hard to keep your balance. Because you have no other choice.

You fight all day plus go to work and do everything else that you need to do. What do you do at the end of the day when you're totally wiped out? Nobody will listen to you (other than your therapist or if you're lucky a helpline with people who don't judge guy survivors). But right now those are few and far between.

We're not going to give into the anger and frustrattion. If we did we'd end up like all the sick m****rf*****s that treated us like s**t. And we'll never do that.

When you feel like an orphan and have nobody ever listen to you, touch you or reassure you, how do you cope with that?

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