Sunday, December 28, 2008

A Vicious Beating (contains extremely graphic content)

This blog deal with one person's fight against horrible PSTD from repeated rape by more than one person. Sometimes I use "triggers" (sights, sounds and more) to get key points across. But never to intentionally hurt anyone else. If this bothers you, stop reading now. Today's blog contains extremely graphic content that could be horrible triggers. But this needs to be talked about.

If you're still ok, keep going. And thanks for the support.

How was your Christmas? Go anywhere? Due to money problems I ended up staying here. But much of it was rough.

Every day now for the past week or so, it's been horrible dissociating, flashbacks, lucid dreams and more. My therapist and a few other people say that it's all the trauma flooding out. Which means you have to stay as grounded as you can and fight back to not dissociate all the time.

On Xmas Day, we spent all day fighting really sick and twisted dissociating. My multiples and little kid say that I was raped by my grandfather (now dead). Imagine the sickest things you can about this:

I really like f*****g little kids.
I don't care what the hell you do. I'm gonna f**k you till you scream.
Go down on me now.

You get the idea.

Every day, it's homicidal anger coming out. We do all the healthy things to try and stay grounded. But when this happens, we get in my car and drive to an empty parking lot nearby. We go off in a corner and then scream and punch out my steering wheel and dash board. Every day for almost a week. Sometimes we ask, why is this happening? We didn't ask for this. We don't want to be raped. We don't like pain and humiliation. But nobody listens? Why don't they listen? Why don't they pay attention?

Because not all but many people think guy survivors are their worst f*****g nightmare. And they will do LITERALLY ANYTHING to avoid it. People tell you, oh you need to share. Get your story out. Then when you try to, many of the same people say f**k off. You freak me out. We don't like you.

Where do you go then? The symptoms keep coming. You don't want to use again or kill yourself. So where are you supposed to go?

When anger is this bad you want to kill everybody. Every stupid ass m*****rf****r that laughed in your face and treated you like s**t. I'll f*****g kill you right now. Scream all your want. Nobody gives a s**t about you. I'm gonna f*****g kill you, rape your wife. And burn your f*****g house down. And then I'm gonna kill every f*****g a*****e that gets in my way.

We haven't done this and we don't want to. Also, I don't have a gun. Because right now I'm afraid to have one. I've used lots of guns and understand what they can do. But if I have one now, I'm afraid of what we might do.

We go out and it still feels like everything's dangerous. See the guy over in the corner? He's a homicidal rapist that loves to f**k little kids and then slit their throat. So we have to kill him first.

We stand and listen to someone talk. But what do they really want? Are they going to try and rape us? What if they try to pin us down? What if they grab us from behind? What do we do then? We constantly think out different moves to stop them.

We try to think about some positive things that have happened. But 99% of the time a billion horrible flashbacks happen.

What are we supposed to do? A stuck fight-or-flight mechanism is still a problem. For most people, a weird thought happens and you blow it off. For others, it takes literally days to get past it. Why is it? Is it because of one or more multiples saying something? Or is it all the trauma flooding out?

We're not going to just roll over and die. And no we won't hurt ourselves. But it would be nice to have one day without symptoms.

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