Sunday, December 21, 2008

Hanging on by a Threat

This blog deals with one person's fight against horrible PTSD from beign repeatedly raped. Occasionally I use "triggers" (sights, sounds and more) to get key points across. But never to hurt anybody.

If these bother you, stop reading now. Otherwise, keep going and thanks for the support.

Finally feeling balanced again after a horrible night. Had a lucid dream where I was being kidnapped and sold as a sex slave along with hundreds of others. And then suddenly your eyes open and you think, is this real or not? What do we do? My multiples, little kid and I all said fight back.

So we jumped out of bed and had to fight REALLY HARD and screamed for about an hour to fight your way back thru that so we didn't dissociate forever. Then we grabbed some scissors (the nearest weapon) and checked all the other rooms to make sure it was safe. We called a helpline and gradually we started to calm down again.

But in that moment of fighting back, NOBODY is going to listen to you or help you. So do you just roll over and literally die? Do you just go back to bed and literally dissocaite forever? You feel like you're out-of-your-body and watching a rat in a cage fighting for a way out. But there is none.

We try every way we can to stay grounded. But even with all of these positive things, sometimes it doesn't work. And you feel like you're this close to the edge. But nobody's standing with you. Nobody's listening and nobody can be bothered. If you gonna freak out, at least do it in the corner, ok? You're scaring my kids? We scream because we know something is wrong and we fight to get help. But nobody pays attention.

In that case, where do you go? We refuse to just roll over and die and then give these sick a******s that treated us like s**t the satisfaction.

What do you do to help you cope? I'd love to hear from you.

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