Friday, May 2, 2008

Trying to Cope with Emptiness

NOTE: Ths blog contains explicit language and "triggers" which can be harmful to some trauma survivors:

sounds, colors
key words and phrases
music samples
loud noises and more

If these bother you, protect yourself and stop reading now. Otherwise, keep going. And thanks for support.

There's lots of emptiness today. At first, dissociating was harsh. But then after that, everything feels empty. You go thru the motions and you know that you have things to do. But you feel like, what do I do now?

Nobody listens and you feel like the pressure keeps building. But you're at the bottom of the list. There are vets with PTSD. Women rape victims with PSTD. And then the rest of us. Nobody wants to listen. But at the same time you're told, you need to get help. You did this, so you fix it. How did I do this? I asked to be raped? I asked to be treated like s**t for years? And everybody says, nobody cares what you think or feel. So just shut the f**k up.

Maybe it's a nice day. And suddenly you fall down and start to cry. In a crowded place. What do you then? You feel like the whole world says f**k off and die. So why should you care about me now? What do you REALLY want?

At times I really have to be careful. Triggers are still everywhere. And you can be bombarded with other people's thoughts. When you finally feel like you can have some calm for a change, you're back to that emptiness. And what do you do then?

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