Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Slooging Your Way Thru Emptiness

NOTE: This blog contains explicit content and occasional "triggers" (sights, sounds, colors, etc.) that could be upsetting to trauma survivors. If these bother you, stop reading. If not, keep going and thanks for your support.

Went to therapy today, and at times it was very frustrating. You feel like you're making progress. And then you hear a lot of stuff that you already now. Which then makes you think, bloody hell. Why am I here? My multiples and little kid still have lots of fears:

Will anybody ever listen?
How come nobody wants to stop and pay attention?
Will anybody ever touch us and say, we're sorry you were raped?

We fight hard to focus and not dissociate. But sometimes it's almost like you have to FOCUS HARD and punch out a wall or something to do it. My therapist says that things will continue to get even more extreme before they even out.

So what are we supposed to do in the meantime? I go out someplace and start to cry. It's sunny and you think it will be ok. But you sit in the middle of the store and cry. People walk by you. What do you do? How do you look cool and calm on the outside when you want to kill them on the inside?

Dissociating, adrenalin surges and the other symptoms still happen. But at times you feel like the entire world is screaming at you: WE DON'T GIVE A F**K ABOUT YOU! What do you do then?

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