Happy 2010

Have an excellent evening wherever you are. We're staying in with out pizza, decaf iced tea. And connecting globally online. You have to protect yourself.

From A to Z

Happy early New Year :). Have big plans? We're debating whether we should go out or not. In the past, we'd go into a club. And then ten minutes later we'd go home. You have to protect yourself.

We're still having lucid dreams in the middle of the night. Is it one of our multiples or my little kid screaming to be heard? We're not sure. We talk as much as possible. We trust each other. Earlier today, a therapist says maybe they will? We'll see what happens.

One minute there's some balance. The next, terror and fear hits hard. We still at times feel like everybody who ever treated us like s**t is trying to beat us down. Which means you have fight your way thru it all.

How do you cope with this despair? Some say dealing with trauma is like early sobriety. Eventually it does even out. Yet, how do you cope with the extremes when they happen?

Post your thoughts. Or email to ptsdsurvival at gmail.com.

The Global Perspective

Greetings to our growing global audience. Thanks, and please keep getting the word out on our site.

How's it going? Stocking up on our herbal tea and meds (to help get over bronchitis). The nice thing about most Chinese herbs? There's no such thing as an overdose.

How are you coping with holiday flashbacks, triggers and other stuff? We're still sticking to compartmentalize it. Don't avoid it. But break it down into manageable sections.

Maybe that's one common thing with trauma survivors? The feeling that you can singlehandedly save the world. And then you have to fight that urge and think, right. Instead of that, let's start over here.

Because while it's a nice idea, it's not your responsibility. Protection comes first.

Set boundaries. Watch the diet. And edit everything that you need to. It can be a pain in the ass to do it 24/7. Then again, you really don't have a choice.

One last idea. Should you multi-task or not? Try not doing it for a day and see how it goes. One idea is that not doing it will let you follow thru more and give you more free time later on. Kind of the anti-multi-task-approach.

There's a best seller in there somewhere...

Latenight Thoughts

Staying warm in your part of the world? Here, nice and warm and being nice to ourselves. One rule of thumb: stay away from midnight snacks. They ALWAYS lead to nightmares, lucid dreams and other horrible stuff.

How are your symptoms? We're still staying away from all triggers as much as possible. In the diet, B-12 twice a day seems to help some as well. The idea being that since you're fighting stress so much, megadosing on some vitamins and herbs is ok. Just do your research to be sure.

Another tip: ginsing in the morning instead of coffee. Caffeine depletes your chi (body energy). So if you have to have some, try no more than two cups a day. Actually, herbal tea throughout the day is all right. Then mix in some white tea for a little variety.

Listening to Radio France Intl. online. Let's see what Sarkozy is up to today.

The Day After Boxing Day

How's your weekend (for those of you still in the weekend)? Then again, maybe you're still on holiday. Which means the first sentence is rather silly.

We did a little shopping. But we fought the urge to fight the crowds at 5 a.m. to be the first in the store. What's the point?

How's your online security these days? The best thing we do is to think like a hacker.

If somebody wants to hack you, what would they do? As you go down the list, create a block. That way, you're effectively covering your tracks.

Coming soon. Some more multimedia stuff to make this hopefully better for everyone. But NO ads.

Any comments? Post here or email to ptsdsurvival at gmail.com.

Boxing Day Thoughts for You

Happy Boxing Day. Here in the States some people call this Black Day II. Thnaksgiving is the first day when people stand in line at midnight to be the first ones into the store. Today is the day for those who didn't do it the first time to catch up.

How are your symptoms? Coping ok right now? Setting boundaries is helping some here. You can kick back on the diet for a while. But at a certain point you can still be in holiday mode AND be nice to your body.

Enjoy the weekend. And feel free to post or email to ptsdsurvival at gmail.com.

Xmas Stuff

Happy Xmas. Hope you're having a cool time and can maintain a happy balance.

Positive karma to everybody :).

Time to Stay in

Happy early Xmas. Pacing is everything in this global whatever :).

Is it a worldwide thing for people to fight over gifts in stores 6 hours before Xmas? Or, is it only in the States? Not sure.

How are your symptoms right now? Coping ok with the holiday stress? We're politely setting boundaries. If we have to, we politely say thanks for the invitation. But no. We're staying in.

You have to protect yourself. And that's ok. Sounds basic to say. But it's true.

Be happy and cool whatever you do.

Post comments or email anytime to ptsdsurvival at gmail.com.

It's All About Balance

How's your Wednesday? Some rough points here with dissociating and anger. But also, nice to just chill and do what you feel like today. Caught up on some reading and looking ahead (a step at a time).

Enjoy your evening.

Lunchtime Thoughts

Almost done with the Xmas shopping. But so much to eat and drink :).

Doing ok this week with your symptoms? Be very cautious with triggers. Holidays can be a rough time when you're feeling bombarded everywhere you turn.

Have a nice day :).

Holiday Thoughts

We all know that everybody's different in their trauma, healing rates and more. With that in mind, when you can take 30 seconds or so and think about those other survivors. They didn't ask to be traumatized. And to have PTSD and the other s**t that goes with it.

Nobody pays attention to them. So why not pay attention. Even if it's only for 30 seconds.

Holiday Stuff

Sating in tonight and catching up on email, presents and food :).

What helps to keep your stress down right now? For us, my multiples, little kid and I talk as much as possible. This has helped in many ways. But despite that, we're still getting hit with flashbacks and horrible dissociating.

Do you have times when you just curl up in the corner because the world is beating down on you? Maybe for us the worst part of it is this. NOBODY is going to help you. they may have a million different reasons why. That still doesn't take away that terror of nobody helping you. To deal with something horrible that you didn't ask for.

We compartmentalize to cope. And, we take things in segments. In addition, you have to fight the urge to singlehandedly save every survivor. It would be nice to do it. However, you can't.

Which means it's protection comes first. And you work in channels where you can. The MSM doesn't want to pay attention. Fine. We'll make our own channel(s). And get the word out that way.

For our Stateside readers: heard from a source that another blizzard is on the way. Expect possibly 1 foot of snow (or more) by Wednesday.

And global warming has NOTHING to do with it.

Latenight Stuff

How's your weekend? Tonight, it's herbal tea and maybe a brownie or two. Your body can only take so much salsa and chips (crisps for the rest of the world)?

Anyway, today's been a rough day with anger and occasional flashbacks. You're in a crowded place and want to scream. Everywhere you look people are out to rape and kill you. Probably not. But all trauma survivors know you HAVE to protect yourself. Even if it's a lucid dream, you have to fight back. I've never met another survivor or reputable therapist who had another solution. Which means you go with what works.

How are you on setting boundaries? Is it possible to do that firmly with a smile on your face? Yes, it is. You fought bloody hard to get to this point of balance. Therefore, why mess it up?

Here's a useful grounding trick. Touch your fingers really fast back and forth (like you're warming up to do coin tricks). It does help to focus because it's like doing EMDR. And some people might be impressed by your skill. You might even get some gigs too.

If you do, you don't have to pay me 10%.

Copenhagen and PTSD. Is There a Connection?

In a broad sense there is. Trauma can be many things to many people. PTSD can come from many different types of trauma. And what could be more traumatic than realizing that your country could literally disappear?

That's a common theme of trauma survivors. Fighting not to snap. Fighting not to literally fall apart and vanish. Maybe your multiple personalities are fighting to be heard. Do you have PTSD blackouts? If you do, what happens? Where do you go and what do you say? How do you deal with that afterwards?

One aspect of being a survivor? Politicians will always use you as a political football in some ways. The key is to compartmentalize it so you can keep going.

Any thoughts on this? Post a comment or email to ptsdsurvival at gmail.com.

Is It Snowing In Your Neighborhood?

Greetings to our global audience. In the U.K., lots of snow. Here, cold but no snow. In Australia, no snow and much warmer. And keep in mind, global warming has nothing to do with it.

Having said that, how are your symptoms? Today, white tea's helping some. But at times dissociating and anger lash out.

Have you ever snapped in a public place? Have you had a PTSD blackout recently? In our case, not for a while. It just feels like trauma is all coming out.

Do you know of any good sites that have PTSD apps? Something to help you focus? If you do, please let us know.

Take care of yourself. Post a comment or email to ptsdsurvival at gmail.com.

The Great Health Food Mystery

Usually there's lots of depressing stuff happening. Which means we need a break from it all.

With that in mind, here's a question. If health food is so good for you, then why is it twice as expensive? Sometimes up to five times. Example: peanut butter for $10 a jar.

If they think there's a market for this, then why are they advertising to many people that they know can't afford this?

The answer? They're probably owned by a global food megacorporation. The idea is to get you to buy health food. Then you see the prices. You get depressed and buy junk food. And this corporation is making all the profit.

Sounds like a global conspiracy to me. Does Ron Paul have any connection with this?

Global Stuff

Climate change in Copenhagen. The World Cup. Sounds exciting.

Now, the bad news. Can't afford to go. But that's ok. A step at a time.

How are your symptoms these days? We're still trying to find a new therapist. It might mean continuing long-distance with our current one. You do what you have to.

Do you still have extremes in your symptoms? One minute you feel like there's some clarity. Then you're terrified as flashbacks and more hit you.

What helps you to maintain your balance? Diet seems to play a big part right now. Another part is setting boundaries. Does this work for you?

Feel free to post your comments. And email to ptsdsurvival at gmail.com.

Can You Actually Make a Difference?

Just had an interesting talk with someone at my local health food store re: making a difference. Her point: can you actually do something global, not charge a lot for it. And help as many people as possible? Call it activist capitalism. (Hope she doesn't sue me for copyright violation).

The idea is this. Global capitalism in it's present form is essentially predatory. Unless the proper controls are put in place, people naturally will go for massive profit despite the "risk" that's staring them in the face.

Is it wrong to work hard and get rich from that? No. But since we live in a world of laws governing various behaviours, there have to be some controls in place. The problem with that is that many politicians who can implement these are in the pocket of the big corporations that oppose them. They say we get "campaign donations" from them. Actually, they're bribes.

Now, do you have to be Bill Gates, Bono or Bill Rodgers to do something like this? Sure, being rich already and a global celebrity does help. But what if you're neither of those?

You can. Why can you do it? Because the MSM won't consider something for a long time until it has "legs". Then suddenly it's "news" (when actually it's been news for a long time).

It's a matter of your "brand", the niche you're trying to fill. And the channels you use to get the word out.

How many billions of sites and blogs are online? Who knows. But the point is this. Quality content will stand out. Even if it's something taboo like talking about rape survivors, PTSD or other stuff.

Now we could charge you for the content here. Then maybe we could retire early and buy that beach house in the Bahamas. But that wouldn't be right. So we'll continue to keep this free.

In return, we ask that you help to get the word out. Consider it guerrilla marketing. If the MSM won't help you go elsewhere. Use other channels or create your own. Because if the content is helpful, the audience will show up.

Post your comments or email to ptsdsurvival at gmail.com.

Worldwide Pressure

How are you coping with the holiday stuff? For some, there's no snow to worry about. No ice to scrape off your car. For others, just how long will I be stuck in this %^$% airport?

In all of those, how do you cope with managing your symptoms? A person in Toronto (who's a cancer survivor) told me a good point. It's like being in remission. At times you have good days. And then you have horrible ones.

This can help in some ways. However, for us we don't want this hanging over our head forever.

One helpful thing is to have something solid to hold onto. You're focusing on that (along other ways to ground yourself like deep breathing, staying off caffeine, and others).

Feel free to add other ideas. Post here or email to ptsdsurvival at gmail.com.

Pacing is the Key

It is Monday, right? How's the week looking? Just got back from checking out apts. in the new location. It's doable overall. A little more expensive. But more of everything.

How are your symptoms going? Adrenalin surges and dissociating still flare out at times. You try to stay as healthy as possible. Despite that, it's hard to focus at times.

Are you feeling like people listen to you? If not, how do you cope with that? You can't instantly change everyone. But you also would like ONE person to pay attention.

My multiples, little kid and I talk as much as possible. And at times you feel like you're getting assaulted by stimuli everywhere you turn. How do you stay grounded and not scream and snap?

Please pass on your comments. Post comments or email to ptsdsurvival at gmail.com.

FAQ's

Hope you're liking the new stuff here. But this means answering some FAQ's:

Email- Thanks for that. But keep in mind ANYTHING with attachments will be deleted. In addition, we're writing the address out (instead of an @ symbol) to stop the spiders, spammers and others from bombarding us.

Tracking- Unlike the CIA, NSA and other groups, we DO NOT keep a global database of names, IP addresses and more. We only use the map as a tool to show where the support comes from. And, everybody loves a cool map that's full.

Donations and ads- We will NEVER post Google Ads on this page. We have way too much respect for you to do that.

As for donations, right now thanks but no, we don't need them. This blog is totally free and hopefully will help a lot of people.

Copyright- All material on this blog is copyrighted by us and occasionally others. If we use a picture, etc. of yours and you want it taken down, please send a polite email. And we'll do it.

In return, if you want to quote something from here, please name us as the source. And, if possible link us where you can.

More to Come

Staying warm right now with our gluten free browni. Which maybe isn't a great idea before dinner. Then again, in this global economy anything can happen :).

How are you coping with symptoms? What helps you to keep a balanc (especially during the holidays)? For us, setting boundaries helps in some ways. Another is to pay attention to what you eat, drink and do. And when to stop and say, do we really need this?

Do you really need the large pizza, giant bag of Doritos and case of (fill in the blank)? Maybe not that much. This doesn't mean a spartan lifestyle. Instead, just a little more thought at times to why you're doing things.

Can this carry over into dealing with PTSD symptoms? Yes it can. Example: the feeling that the rest of the world could care less about you. You know that NOT everybody's like that. Yet, on those bad days how do you keep that perspective?

Compartmentalize. Take on sections of stuff and see how it goes. At night, my multiples, little kid and I have our meeting. The deal is I listen to them. But go as easy as possible.

The bottom line is balance and protecting yourself. That's rough at times to think about. But the truth is nobody else will do it. So what choice do you have?

Thanks for the support. The map in the upper left hand corner is NOT designed to give me your home address, mobile number and more. It's hopefully a cool way to see that there are others like us all over the place who find this site helpful.

As always, comments, suggestions and more: email ptsdsurvival at gmail.com

Getting Bombarded

How many times have you checked YOUR email today? Why do you have to check it every five minutes? Unless Obama's emailing you, how do you cope with that compulsion :)?

We're really trying to stick to boundaries. Stay away from triggers and information overload. Watch the diet. And when you have to, turn everything off. Go for a walk. Go for a nice lunch.

In this tight economy, maybe the lunch is easier said than done. But there are things you can do.

Does this help you? Feel free to pass on tips to here or at ptsdsurvival at gmail.com.

The First Clip

Keep Your Balance

Into the weekend, and we're really trying to keep our balance. Part of it is really watching what you eat. There's more awareness of what you eat. And when to say enough. You have to change parts of it. But the nice thing is that after the initial shock, you can adjust. It's not a spartan routine. Just more awareness.

Some soothing Santana to make your day :).

Stay in and Stay Warm

Too cold to go out tonight. So instead, we're staying in with our Friday night snack and listening to World Cup news online.

From time to time we'll be posting holistic stuff about diet and more. If you come across something helpful post a comment with a link. And then we'll check it out.

Anger's a real problem tonight. So time for some meditation and tai-chi.

No Tiger Woods Posts Allowed

It is Thursday, right? But for those of who already into Friday, let us gently ease into it, ok?

How are your symptoms these days? Here, we're really trying to stay as healthy as possible. Tonight, a nice bottle of aloe and a few salt-free chips. For now, we're talking a break from the corporate-food-conglomerate-salt-fight. If they don't want to deal with it, that's their loss of our money. For Canadians, feel good that you're smart enough to stay away from high-salt foods. And the 72-oz. Mickey D's cups. That's one six pack in one cup. We tried to interest some people in a 96 oz. cup. But no luck. Which means no chance of breaking into the mainland Chinese market. Then again, do you really want 1 billion overweight Chinese? We don't think so.

How do you cope with severe swings in symptoms? One minute, there's some clarity. Then, violent symptoms. Everyone we trust says it's trauma flooding out. However, at times we curl up in a corner and rock back and forth because it feels like everyone's trying to beat us down. You compartmentalize it as best you can. But the fear still happens.

If Obama really thinks that no national health care is a national emergency, then why not us his Executive Order power to declare one and implement universal care? Set aside all the political spin and other rubbish. And look at it from a human decency angle.

10% of the population in the States has some form of PTSD. That's 30 million people.

How come this isn't a threat to the security of the States? Is it worse than terrorism? That's another post. However, it IS a threat to the security of the people. And Obama does have the power to implement this.

So frankly it's very disappointing to see stupid political crap endlessly taking up the daily 24 hour news cycle. And apparently most people think it's perfectly ok. To be fair, some are protesting and getting arrested in the process. But how much time do they get on-air? Maybe 20 seconds. How much time do Tiger Wood's "alleged" affairs get? In one week we've gotten over 200 emails on this. (NOTE: Do you really think he'd sue if we were the ONLY blog on the Net to say he had multiple affairs? You're rich enough as it is. Save the money on legal fees.).

It's beyond astounding that PTSD is just another political football to get people elected. Meanwhile, what about the survivors who could be denied "health coverage" because of something they have that they didn't ask for?

How's Your Day?

Working online and keeping pacing in mind. At times there's a little more clarity. But then there's the opposite. And it's still terrifying. You have to fight back or literally die. Even though it's a lucid dream.

Try fighting 50 lucid dreams a day. AND, do everything else.

Then again, what else can you do?

Time to Post

What's up on your Sunday? Here, it's wet, cold and no break for a while. Then again, in this age of global warming anything is possible.

We're really trying to pace as much as possible. Moving is still going along. But at time when symptoms are really bad we just stop. Go for a walk, go for a drive, a run. Anything to help refocus.

One helpful thing in fighting PTSD? Try not to dwell on the fact of being ignored by society. Easier said than done, you say? True. Yet, what else can you do?

Nobody wants to admit that you're there. People will do anything they have to to get away from you. Nobody asks to be raped. Nobody asks for pain, humiliation and more. But many times if you try to talk about being a guy survivor it's like you're speaking Persian. Nobody has any clue what you're saying.

You don't want to trigger others. You don't want to snap, go on a rampage. And then be on Death Row for killing 50 people. All because of something that's not your fault.

Yet, society doesn't have the (tolerance?) to deal with you. We just don't talk about this in polite society. We can literally say anything else that we want (with no consequences). Yet, in this case, it's just not allowed.

Many parts of the progressive media try at times to give ignored stories attention. Yet, when was the last time you heard about a guy vet rape survivor with PTSD who killed himself? We all know they exist. They're literally screaming for help. Yet, we're not allowed to talk about them. A woman rape survivor who kills herself is tragic. It gets lots of attention.

But what if it was a guy instead of a woman? Would the world come to an end? Would the FCC fine any MSM source that dared to talk about this? What would they say? We fine you $_____ for what, "indecent content"?

These various experts know better. But what's their fallback position? Yes, the number of guy vet survivors is small. Which means it's not worth talking about. So let's move on.

Isn't that insulting to all guy survivors? What the hell happened to that military thing of you always look out for your buddies? We don't care what color you are. We don't care what sex you are. Many don't care if you're gay or straight.

But God help you if you're a guy rape survivor.

Time for the Latest

Hi. Sorry to be away for a while. But a lot's been happening.

We're leaving at the end of next month. We've been in the Midwest for a while. But now it's time to go back to a bigger area for more opportunities. Considering everything that's happened here, we should have left a long time ago. But it's time to leave.

At times symptoms are still crippling. But the good news is:

We're still on the holistic diet.
Water, magnesium, and tai chi seem to help some in controlling adrenalin surges.
We haven't gone back to the softcore pron in over a month. And have no desire to.
We're really taking things a step at a time.
We cancelled the TV half of our cable subscription. It's WAY too triggering. So no need for it.
We're doing the move in stages. Which is nice to be able to pace yourself. And if necessary say, enough. Go for a walk.
We're getting breaks on some moving costs. So it does pay to know people in the front office.

More on the new location soon.

Trying to Focus

Happy Friday.

How are you coping in the Global Economic Meltdown(Depression)? Sources are saying that the mental health budget cuts just keep coming. Some crisis centers are cutting back. Or, some helplines are actually turning people away. It's kind of hard to condense PTSD into a 10 minute call, no?

Lately, one minute it feels like there's a little clarity. Then, violent flashbacks. It feels like millions of sights, sounds and more come flooding out. And then you feel like you're going to black out. Sometimes you don't know where you are.

You feel like aside from the therapist, nobody can be bothered. So you compartmentalize and do your best.

Despite that, the terror of being raped comes out. We curl up in a corner and try to rock back and forth. We try lots of massage to stop adrenalin surges. Salt, sugar and fatty foods are out. The tiniest amount really sets off violent tremors and dissociating. Which means you have to be as healthy as you can.

You try to keep a balance. We're still looking for the new job. We're trying every creative approach we can. Stay away from all triggers as much as possible. Everything still has to be edited.

On really bad days we scream and fight not to black out. We don't know where we are. The sick assholes that raped us keep coming. When we go out someplace we still take a knife with us, just in case lucid dreams happen. Because you have to fight back. We will never be raped again.

How do you keep your clarity? Feel free to post your thoughts. And to pass on this URL everywhere it will help. In this Global Meltdown you do what you have to.

Balance is the Key

Staying up late writing this and enjoying our latenight snack. Earlier today was really rough. LOTS of violent flashbacks, anger and lucid dreams. It's like everywhere you turn there's a psycho rapist waiting to jump you and then kill you. How do you juggle that AND everything else that you have to do?

We try not to dwell on the frustration and superficial crap that happens in many places. People say one thing to you. But the indirect message is don't ever talk about rape around me. Right. We didn't ask to be raped and go thru all of this s**t. Instead, you just can't be bothered. So keep your mouth shut?

At times it feels like you're getting hit by millions of sights, sounds, noises and more all at once. You feel like you're this close to blacking out. But you have to fight back. Nobody will help you. How do you deal with that fear?

Haven't been able to reach the therapist for over a week now. We'll give it a little more time. But if no luck then we'll go someplace else. If he's busy and just doesn't have time anymore to work with us, why not just email and say that? It seems like the global depression is cutting everything. Some helplines and crisis centers are either shut down or this close to shutting down.

Which means, if you need help where do you go? There's no national PTSD network. RAINN tries to help and routes you to other places. But some (while meaning well) have no training to deal with PTSD. Or guy survivors. What do you do then?

One minute it feels like there's a little bit of stability. Then, terrifying despair. We hold each other tight and try to ride it out as we shake violently because flashbacks are so scary. Even with that, nobody will help.

Does this happen to you. What do you do?

Not Sure What to Do

There's a little bit of clarity as we sit and write this. But earlier today was really terrifying. We had to hold onto each other because it felt like ALL of the fear, frustration and terror from being raped was coming out. You feel like nobody's going to help you. So what do you do? Eventually we could focus again and move on. But it's really tough to try and do that.

Other stuff. We haven't been able to reach the therapist for almost a week now. We'll give it a little more time. But if it doesn't work, then we have to find somewhere else to go. In our case, it may have to be phone appointments. Which means trying to get used to someone new and deciding can you trust them or not.

You can use all the usual grounding technqiues. But how do you cope when none of those work? How do you deal with the paralyzing fear?

Do You Ever Feel Like This?

How's your Monday? Maybe now a little more focus. Earlier today it was like nonstop dissociating. And then occasionally some horrible lucid dreams. You have no choice but to fight back. We still carry a knife in our bag when we have to. Because lucid dreams always happen at the worst times.

How do you cope with the feeling that nobody's paying attention? We try to compartmentalize to cope with the terror, anger and frustration. But even with that, you have those times when it feels like nothing works. Which means we feel almost paralzyed.

What do you do then? You feel like nobody's going listen. Nobody's going to help you. What do you do? You fight to focus, and then finally it seems like there's some clarity. But then more trauma comes flooding out. What then?

Coping Mechanisms 101

It's still the weekend. And as always, you try and pace yourself back into another week.

The extremes are still there. One minute we feel a little bit of clarity. Then, it's like ALL of the terror of being raped hits you all at once. Dissociating and lucid dreams still happen. Lately either we're getting raped again. Or we see a little kid getting raped. We put a gun (or whatever weapon we have) to this psycho's head and get him off the terrified little kid.

But in the process we think, is he going to kill the little kid? Is he going to try and kill both of us? Also, nobody else seems to give a s**t about what's going on. It's too much of a "inconvenience" from their terribly busy day to actually stop and save someone's life.

Why is that? Is it because out of sight and out of mind is ALWAYS the best way to go? Is it because if you act you might get raped too? Or is it because it's YOUR responsibility. Pull yourself up and you deal with it. Don't expect anyone to show any sympathy for you. The world's a cold, cruel f****d up place. And if you're not tough enough to deal with that, then just f**k off and die.

Another angle. If the worst happens and THEY get raped, are we supposed to drop everything and do whatever they ask because well, you know all about this stuff? You can solve all of my problems. Hang on a minute. You treat me like s**t. And NOW I'm supposed to do whatever the hell YOU say because I'm an "expert"?

The double standards here are amazing. Be superficial. But the underlying message is under NO circumstances will we ever acknowledge that you exist. Unless of course my ass gets raped.

How f****d up is that?

Recommendations

Can you recommend a good crisis line/site to help guy survivors? No disrespect to women survivors. But, it can be harder for guy survivors to find some help that doesn't judge you. or maybe they have no training in PTSD.

Please send in all suggestions and comments.

Polanski and Other Stuff

There's still lots of really idiotic "commentary" (IMO) regarding Roman Polanski and whether or not he should be prosecuted.

I'll make it as clear as possible:

(1) Rape is being forced to have sex against your will.
(2) Unless you're a rape survivor, you'll never understand.

Now, if he wants to sue me for defamation, f**k it. Sue me. I don't give a s**t.

How's your weekend? Here, we're really trying to stay as chemical free as possible. This means at times there's some clarity.But at others really violent symptoms.

Any suggestions on how to balance this out?

Also, thanks for the support. In case you're wondering, we're averaging about 300 hits a day. Wherever you are, keep it here for more helpful information. And please pass our link to everyone it can help.

One Minute Some Clarity. Then Assaulted.

How's your evening (unless it's already October 1st). Along with celebrating the Chinese Revolution, it's also Be Nice to a Socialist Day. Hug a socialist. You'll feel better.

That being said, are your feeling some clarity these days? For us, sometimes there's a little. And then at other times all the terror of being raped comes flooing out. We curl up in a corner with a knife and have to fight off everybody that treated us like shit. Also, there are SO MANY TRIGGERS right now. Everywhere you look it's death, destruction, pedophiles that get off scot free, and more. We have to protect ourselves because we feel like we're picking up on all taruma survivor's pain. And it's too much to handle.

What do you do when nobody listens? Find some safe way to be heard (and not outed). If you're ready to risk being outed, that's your business. For us, that will only add lots of problems to the stress that we're dealing with now.

When fear hits, it's like getting assaulted with a billion images, noises and more. You feel like you're going to snap in two. And NOBODY's going to help you. How do you cope with that? And do everything else that you have to do?

Feel free to comment.

Another Side of the MacKenzie Phillips Announcement

Just heard online that MacKenzie Phillips had a consensual sexual relationship with her dad. I don't know all of the details yet. And frankly I'm not sure I want to be bomabarded with 24/7 MSM triggers re: this.

But unfortunately, something needs to be said. I've never met her, and have no personal problems towards her at all. I admire her for her (and her half sister) speaking out about this.

On the other hand, right now they're celebs and I'm not. Which means that I have to use other outlets to get my message out.

How much do you wanna bet in all of this upcoming coverage about this, NOT ONCE is anybody going to talk about guy rape survivors? Because legally, if Phillip's dad started this when she was underage, that's rape, correct? But now (due to time running out in this case), odds are no prosecution will happen.

Now, what about boys that are raped by their dads? I was repeatedly raped (call it what it is) by one of my grandfathers who's now dead. My family disowned me a long time ago because s**t like this you just don't talk about. Alcoholism, incest, whatever the hell it is. We just don't do that. And any thoughts or feelings that you have about it are totally irrevelant.

Right now, Phillips is a celeb and I'm not.If I out myself, I could have lots of serious problems. Phillips (on the other hand) can do this. And odds are she'll go along just fine. Nobody's going to freak out over stupid stereotypes about PTSD and other things that trauma survivors have. I'm looking for a new job right now. If a potential boss found out about my PTSD, that could be a big problem.

Another angle. Would my health coveage drop me if they found out I have PTSD? Phillips is an actress and member of SAG (Screen Actors Guild). It's well known that SAG has one of the best union health coverage plans nationally. Will SAG cancel her policy because of PTSD (a "pre-existing" condition)? Probably not.

She's a trauma survivor. I'm a trauma survivor. I have some of the same problems that she does. Yet society will listen to her and tell me to piss off because a guy rape survivor is just too weird.

Where the hell's the justice in that?

The Role of Your Diet

How was your day? Here, it was fighting a lot of dissociating and almsot blacking out.

Now, it seems like there's a little bit of clarity. One reason? We haven't been able to find studies that talk about the role of diet in fighting PTSD symptoms. But in our case, we're really trying to stay away from salt and sugar as much as possible. Also, no gluten.

Go with that and then what? How do you re-think your diet? We just don't have the tolerance for junk food anymore like before. In the past we'd drink around 2,000 grams of sugar a day. We found a table on sugar/diet that says you should be around 45 grams a day.

Now, we're keeping it as low as possible. Does too much salt and sugar aggrevate dissociating and tremors? We'll keep trying this new diet and see how it goes.

How does this work for you? Feel free to comment.

Shock Yourself Awake?

How's your weekend? Here, kicking back and catching up online.

Symptoms are still a pain, especially in the morning. It's like somebody puts a boom box next to you and says SURPRISE! You have to fight to focus and not feel like you're falling apart. Herbs and juices help some. But even with all of that, you still have to almost shock yourself to wake up.

Does this happen to you? How do you retrain? your body to not dissociate? For a while some of my multiples lashed back when I decided to stop using softcore porn as a substitute for relationships. For a week they threw out all kinds of sick and twisted lucid dreams. But then they realized that I was serious and backed off. Symptoms still happen (including lucid dreams).

How do you cope with triggers? Right now it feels like almost everything is a trigger. Everything has to be censored. If you don't, you end up dissociating for hours.

Sometimes do you feel like you're barely hanging on? What helps you?

One Minute Some Clarity. Then Horrible Dissociating (Contains Strong Content)

How's YOUR weekend? Kind of a weird day in a way. One minute there's a little bit of clarity. Then horrible dissociating, lucid dreams and more.

My therapist keeps saying it's all of the horror of being raped coming out. Is it one multiple lashing out? Or, is it all 25 of them and my little kid letting everything flooding out? My feeling is that it's everything coming out.

How do you cope with feeling almost paralyzed? You exist and you're aware of what's going on around you. Yet, you feel empty. It's like you have to literally shock yourself back to some sense of balance.

Sometimes the flashbacks and lucid dreams happen. You then have to fight back because you do. You don't have a choice. It doesn't matter that it's a "dream". Do you just sit back, be pinned down, raped and then killed? No.

Part of the terror is dissociating. And then realizing that NOBODY is going to help you. You don't exist in their eyes (and various other stupid crap that all survivors have heard). What if nobody touches you? What if nobody (other than your therapist) says I'm sorry you were raped? How are you supposed to react to that?

At times we feel like we're going to snap. No, we don't want to fight thru sick lucid dreams of some psycho rapist going down on you. You don't want to see the sick psycho grandad rapist that says, ever make it with a old man? I'm gonna fuck you till you bleed. And NOBODY will help you. You want to feel some happiness and enjoy the day. But then horrible stretches like this happen.

However, society says shut the fuck up and get on with it. NOBODY wants to hear this crap because it's just too weird. If it's a woman survivor, we can deal with that. But if it's a guy, just fuck off.

How are you supposed to deal with that?

How are you supposed to not feel cheated because of this? It's one thing to say don't let it ruin your life. But then sometimes it's like the old right. My watch says you've had your Official One Minute to Cry. Now fuck off.

There's no comprehension, no sign of intelligent life as this asshole walks away. And yet, you're supposed to be a light switch? You can instantly turn your emotions on and off and just carry on?

It doesn't work like that.

The thing to do then is to protect yourself. Stay away from all triggers as much as possible. Because you don't have a choice

How Much is Too Much?

Just finished the spicy dinner. And now it's back to the emails, applications and global networking. Still no email from Obama saying please help us fix the economy. If he DOES email, should I charge by the hour? Or go with an astronomical salary?

How are your symptoms right now? Every morning it's like you have to literally fight to wake up. Then finally you feel some sense of balance. We're still sober and off all meds. Especially now, which would you rather do? Spend $50 a month for herbs? Or $200 a month on meds?

Still have that feeling that you're about 5 steps ahead of the rest of the world? If we slip and watch a little TV we want to scream. It's like you're the only one that sees what's really going on. We know we're not. Yet, how do you cope when that feeling is almost suffocating?

Does your anger eat you alive? When adrenalin surges happen, one thing that sometimes helps is lots of massage. Maybe part of it is focusing on something else that helps your chi to re-balance? I'm not sure.

If we have to, we still take a knife with us. Lucid dreams and flashbacks still happen (usually at the worst times). And you have to protect yourself. What keeps you grounded?

Keeping a Balance

How's the weekend? A long day with violent dissociating and flahsbacks. You open your eyes in the morning. And you feel like you have to fight to wake up because dissociating is so bad. You're fighting hard to not fall apart. Then later you use everything you can to focus and not dissociate.

What happens when you try to ground yourself and nothing helps? If you have nowhere to hide, what do you do then? What helps you to cope when hyperawareness is really sharp?

Sometimes we feel like there's some clarity. And then sometimes we have to fight back because the whole world is trying to beat you down into the ground.

What helps you to cope???

Post #151

Obama's speech is over. And still there's no single payer. When will it happen? Place your bets.

As for us, we're staying away from this and all triggers as much as possible. Any sane person knows that universal care is a right and not a priveledge for the elite. And, if they won't pay attention to us, we will protect our health and stay away from it.

Do you have the feeling that you're about 7 steps ahead of everyone else? Like you're the ONLY person that really sees everything that's happening? We know we're not. Still, we have the feeling at times of what's the point? So, unless we absolutely have to, we stay away from regular TV, papers, many books and other things too. Everything has to be edited. Because we don't have a choice.

What about flashbacks and lucid dreams? How do you cope with those? Sometimes we take a knife with us just in case they happen. And we have to fight off the sick assholes that want to rape and kill us.

You have to protect yourself.

Moments of Clarity. And then Terror.

How's it going? Obama gives his health care speech tonight. But we're staying away from it. WAY too triggering. We still only look online when we have to. If we listen to news, it's intl. sources only. It's amazing how much accurate information you can get from abroad.

At times, there are moments of some clarity. At others, it feels like all of the terror of being raped comes flooding out. You have to fight your way out of lucid dreams and kill those sick assholes that want to rape you and then kill you. If I have to, I still take a knife with me when we go out. We're NOT going to be raped again. Lucid dreams usually happen at the worst times.

Looks like extra potassium and almost zero salt is helping some. It's like you have more awareness of what's ok and what the limits are. Hyperawareness and intuition are still really sharp and need to be filtered at times. If you don't, it's like being bombarded with wi-fi signals.

Will Obama have the guts to publically oppose his own party and fight for single payer? I'm not so sure. Sorry to bring "race" into it. But you have the all-white "Blue Dogs" (who are really gutless neocons being bribed by the kill-single-payer lobby). Then, you have the Congressional Black Caucus banding together and saying, either single payer or we're against it.

Good for them for taking a stand. But look at how it's shaping up. Can this get even more racist than it already has? Also, if Obama really will jump on people's case about this, why hasn't he done that yet with Democrats who've taken millions? Because he took money as well when he ran for President. Which means if he did criticize them, he'd look like a hypocrite to many.

Also, if he does fight for only single payer, will the death threats against him go up? I wonder what he and his wife tell their kids if they ask about stuff like that?

Obama says that 4 House committees have passed early versions of this bill. The Senate has nothing. Which means that all of the House versions are essentially meaningless. Did Obama cancel the now not-so-secret deal with the drug companies to gurantee their profits? His Press Secretary can avoid the issue all he wants. But why did he do it?

Because you have to sell out to get a little of something else? What do you then say to millions who continue to not have health coverage? Be good Democrats and we know what we're doing? Howard Dean continues to be a spokesman for Pelosi, Reid and the drug companies. It's amazing that a doctor can actually be supportive of the billions that they make.

But that's one opinion.

Some Positive Changes

Went to get my potassium and try that out in the diet. We haven't seen any studies that definately prove that there's a diet-PTSD connection. Then again, there's practically a study to support anything. Is this ALL a corporate plot?

We're really trying to keep a balance. The tolerance for junk food is gone. As for triggers, one minute we feel like there's some balance. The next, we curl up in the corner and have to fight off all the assholes that treated us like shit. Or want to rape and then kill us.

At night, sometimes we keep a pair of scissors or a knife next to the bed just in case. A gun permit is out of the question because if we black out, it's too dangerous.

What sources for help do you use? We hope this helps. But also, have your found Stateside ones that are beneficial? For us, sometimes we use intl. help lines. They're are lots of them out there. You just have to check them out.

Thanks for the support. And please link this blog everywhere you can.

A Breakthrough?

How's your week? Came across something interesting about PTSD. Eating too much salt depletes potassium in your body. Not enough potassium can cause problems with your nervous system. Including PTSD tremors as well?

There's a little more awareness of diet right now. We just don't have tolerance for tons of salt, sugar, fat and other stuff. So we'll try to avoid it as much as possibe. Does this also effect adrenalin surges too? We're not sure.

Your thoughts on this.

Day 6 and Catching Up

How's your holiday weekend? Here, it's pacing (some work that has to be done. And then how do you party on very little money)? We'll work it out.

Went shopping earlier today and had a big surprise. Usually on a hot day you automatically buy bottled water? Thinking that you're being good to your body? You're not. It turns out that the average bottle of water has almost 100 grams of salt in it. A bottle of tea? Maybe 20. Which means that the bottled water racket is just that? Salty tap water that makes your body lose more water the more you drink. Also, we think that's a big part of dealing with tremors from dissociating. Now a challenge. Is it possible to have a salt-free diet? We'll let you know how it goes.

How's it going dealing with your triggers?

Balance

Into the holiday weekend. And everything still has to be censored. Do you have the feeling that all of the terror of being raped suddenly hits you all at once? It feels like everything's going to turn black. You have nowhere to escape to and you have ten seconds to live. How do you cope with that (especially when you're in a crowded place)?

At times flashbacks are dissociating feel like you're going to snap. But you also know that you have to get it out (in a hopefully safe manner). How do you cope with feeling empty? You know that you're here. But you feel like there's literally nothing else. If that happens to us we have to literally shock ourselves back into some sense of balance.

Have a safe weekend.

4 Days in a Row!

Happy holiday weekend here in the States. In th U.K., you already had your holiday weekend. Now it 's our turn.

Will anybody be traveling anywhere? Probably not. I'd like to. But money is still tight.

We're still sticking to protection at all costs. Tonight, we're staying in and no noise. The Blackberry is off. Just peace and quiet.

How do you cope when you need to turn everything off? Lately for us it's just disconnect everything. You don't have to check your email. There's literally nothing on TV. Online, not much either.

Do you still have flashbacks and violent lucid dreams? Sometimes we do (usually at the worst times). How do you cope with that AND safely get out of a crowded place? How do you regain sensation in your hands so you can dial a number on your mobile? Sometimes adrenalin surges are so bad it takes almost 20 minutes to be able to do it.

A step at a time. But we're not sure when we'll be able to go back to the therapist. For now, it's use other sources.

Day 3 and Here's Wha't's Up

Doing ok today? We still have to fight to focus in the morning. We still have to edit everything. But then again, protecting yourself comes first.

Any suggestions on herbs that help you to cope? Please post if you do.

Sticking to It

Trying to stick to posting every day. Also, today I stocked up on green salsa for the chips. Am I addicted? We'll see....

EVERYTHING is raw right now. No TV, no news (unless it's a emergency), no tunes, nothing. Everything feels like a threat. Hyperawareness is really high. Which means we're doing everything we can to stay grounded.

Are you having stretches like this? If you are, what helps you to deal with it? Do you have the feeling that you're about right steps ahead of the world? Are you the ONLY one that sees what's going on? We know we're not. Still, at times you feel like all of the terror of being raped hits you at once. And where do you go to try and get your balance back?

My suggestion: stay away from all MSM. The politicians have NO CLUE about what's going on :).

Time to Catch Up (Contains Really Strong Content)

How's your week? I'm really trying to post regularly. I hate it when you get nice a nice groove going with posts. And then suddenly nothing. We'll see how it goes.

Thanks for the comments. When you post, it's all anonymous. There's no master data base keeping track of you, no connections to secret CIA programs. None of that. We have enough stress to deal with.

Lately symptoms have been REALLY rough. It feels like all of the terror of being repeatedy raped is flooding out. Earlier today we almost blacked out because everything was hitting hard. Being pinned down, these sick assholes going down on you. Scream all you want, nobody cares. I'm gonna suck you dry and then cut you up into a million pieces. And other sick crap.

Finally we got some balance back and called a help line. We have about four that we can call if we need to. Now we can't watch TV, read books or just go out. EVERYTHING has to be screened. Otherwise, you dissociate for hours and feel like you're going to snap.

How do you cope with the feeling that the world says just piss off and go away? We try not to dwell on this. But we all have bad days.

What helps you to focus? We're finding that nutrition, Chinese herbs and juices help some. Any ideas????

i

Lots to Talk About

How's your day? Coping with symptoms ok?

With me, triggers are everywhere. We literally can't watch TV, read papers, or read lots of books. If we go anywhere, we always take the I-Pod or the Balckberry to listen to online stuff. Muzak from Hell (in lots of stores) is a really rough trigger. You have to protect yourself.

How do you cope with anger? At times we feel like we're going to snap. Our fight-or-flight mechanism is still stuck at times. Which means you have to focus incredibly hard to fight your way out of dissociating, anger or other stuff.

Sometimes, do you want to go on a rampage and kill all of the sick assholes that treated you like s**t? We know that sinking down to their level doesn't do anything. But the anger still comes out. And you feel like you're going to snap or black out.

We try not to dwell on feeling like the world won't admit that you're there. Despite that, your intuition kicks in and you feel like you see everything that's happening. Do you feel like you're about three steps ahead of everybody else? And you wonder why are you just now finding this out?

The sick twisted flashbacks still happen. Somebody tries to pin you down, they try to go down on you. And nobody's going to help you. My multiples and little kid are still terrified that threats are everywhere. Nobody listens, nobody helps (other than the therapist). Will it always be like this? I don't know.

How do you cope with the terror? One minute you feel halfway ok. Then, you're almost comatose. You're there, but empty. Everything takes an incredible effort. You WILL NEVER be raped again. And you know that you have to fight back to not dissociate.

How do you manage to do this AND everything else without always being wiped out?

NOTE: Thanks for the growing support.

Just so you're aware:

Nobody is tracing your IP address when you access this blog.
I don't keep a master database on anybody.
Also, I do everything I have to to protect myself as well.

Feel free to post comments.

Hypeawareness

NOTE: This blog is one person's day-to-day fight against PTSD from being raped. Sometimes "triggers" (sight, sounds and other things) are mentioned to illustrate a point. But to never intentionally hurt anybody.

If this bothers you, stop reading now. Otherwise, keep going. And thanks for the support.

How's you week. Here, we're hyperaware of everything. Triggers are everywhere. We can't watch TV. We can't read books. We can barely look online at something. Sights, sounds, places, colors. Everything is a threat. When we go out we have to check it out. Is this safe or not?

Symptoms still hit hard. Dissociating and occasionally adrenalin surges. Anger is still vicious. You don't want to sink down to the level of the assholes who treated you like shit. But at times flashbacks and lucid dreams happen. The anger comes out and it's like I'm gonna fucking beat your ass into the ground. Then I'm gonna cut your throat and stab you 100 times. And nobody's gonna hear you or help you. And then you go find another asshole that treated you like shit.

You try and get the anger out in a safe way. Then, you feel totally wiped out. One minute we feel halfway ok. Then suddenly the whole world is beating down on you. You have to fight your way out. And NOBODY is going to help you.

We tried a few times to reach out to some people. But nobody's interested. So finally we said, right. No more of that. You try not to dwell on feeling like the whole world couldn't care less. But at times it's weird that some people say they're concerned. But only about women survivors when they KNOW that there are guy survivors as well.

Why do they do that? If they're in the media, part of it is pressure from management. If it's a ratings period, go for the sensational. Example: little kids who were "molested" by priests. How many times have we seen that in prime time? But, NOBODY ever says this little kid was repeatedly raped. Rape is non-consensual sex, right? Therefore, why the reluctance to say that? Isn't that insulting in a way?

Also insulting is the discrimination against guy survivors. There are some guy vet survivors who have nowhere to go. There's strong pressure from within the military to keep quiet. Yet, if a woman is raped at least someone will try to listen. Then some ex-vets who are in the media talk about women survivors. And NOT ONCE does ANYBODY talk about the guys. If you care so bloody much about the troops then WHY are you deliberately insulting people who are willing to put their butt on the line to protect you?

If you're a celebrity, in society it's ok to talk about this. Everybody will listen to you. Is it because of the message or the "star"? If you're not, who's going to listen? Lately I'm finding that there's more openess about this abroad then here. What are all the reasons? I'm not sure.

How do you deal with this? Especially now with health care, isn't this the perfect time to talk about PTSD as one example of how the Public Option could help? But, nobody in Congress cares.

Time to Talk

Long time no conversation. How's your week? Lately it's been really rough with symptoms every single day.

Lots of horrible flashbacks, lucid dreams. And agner that makes you feel like you're going to snap in two. You don't want to sink down to the level of these assholes that treated you like s**t. You don't want to drink again, hurt yourself or others. But when money's tight and you can't regularly go to therapy, what do you do? In my case it's use other help lines and sites to try and cope better.

Superficiality is still a big problem. Not the usual stuff that we all have to put up with. But when you're a survivor and you're THIS CLOSE to wanting to kill somebody, how do you smile and say, oh yeah, it's ok? No its not. But society says you don't exist. Nobody will tolerate you talking about being a guy survivor. Yet you're supposed to get help and get it out. So where do you go?

Hyperawareness is still a huge problem. Going to a large store is like going to downtown Baghdad. Is it safe? What do we do if we blackout or dissociate? What happens if flashbacks hit? You get there and everybody's dangerous. Everyone is going to kill you. So you strike first. If there's nowhere to hide, what do you do? Do you just sit down in the middle of the aisle and start to cry? Do you beat the s**t out of everybody in sight?

You get in your car and scream to try and focus and not dissociate. The usual grounding techniques don't help. What do you do then? Lucid dreams happen and NOBODY cares or will help you. We won't get raped again. So you fight and scream to not die. Then when you feel like you're going to snap in two you suddenly get some balance back. But then when you get back home dissociating hits again. So you go out again. Then when you try to go to sleep you still can't. You're afraid to go to sleep. If you do, will you wake up? Will one of your multiples take over and then what happens?

Last night we got no sleep. We had no choice but to fight back. You push as hard as you can to foucs. And then what happens? Nobody will help you.

How do you cope with all of this? Do you fight this all the time? How do you not snap? You have to fight back. Otherwise you'll disappear. How do you do this AND everything else?

Feel free to post your thoughts. I'm working on a collection of helpful PTSD stuff that I'd like to publish somewhere. I have no ghostwriter or personal assistant. So bear with me :).

Some 4th Thoughts

Happy early 4th of July. If you're not American, watch out for nutty Americans. They're everywhere :).

How are you coping with symptoms these days? Lately everything has been really vivid and severe. My therapist says that this is scary but good (it's all the trauma flooding out). Still, try driving and not blacking out because the anger is so bad? Or flashbacks happen and none of the usual grounding techniques work. What do you do then?

Another thing is sights, sounds and more. Every day it feels like you're getting assaulted. Is this a pissed off multiple, or something else? I don't know. But what else can you do but fight back so you don't morph or black out? In the past my multiples would come out and then I didn't know where I was. Does this happen to you?

What about triggers? How are you coping with these? These days it feels like everything is a trigger. Which means much of the time it's some tunes or something else. Do you feel trapped in a crowded place? You want to scream and have nowhere to go. What do you do then?

At night, my multiples and little kid are still terrified because of the fear. What if nobody ever touches us? Does this mean we're bad? No. Does this mean that nobody likes us? I don't think so. Then how come nobody will acknowledge that we're here? How many times can you say, I don't know?

Why is it that others won't admit that you're there?:

They feel trapped. And literally will do anything they have to to escape the situation.
It's just too weird to deal with guy survivors.
If they touch you they'll get raped too.
You're their worst nightmare.
It's your fault (and the other stupid survivor cliches we've all heard).

How come nobody can take ten seconds to say I'm sorry you were raped? If a woman survivor speaks out, everybody says that. If a vet talks about their service, all politicians (if they mean it or not) automatically say, thank you for your service. Even if it's fake, they still say something.

So how come people can't do that for guy survivors? In this area, literally NO OTHER guy survivors will risk talking. Even in a support group, they won't do it. Which means you have to go elsewhere to get help. Does this happen in your area?

How do you handle lucid dreams? We still have to fight back and kill them to make sure it's safe. In a store, it feels like the other people are all dangerous They're all psycho rapists that will kill us. What do we do?

Have you ever snapped or blacked out in a crowded place? How do you cope with that? At times we're this close to just beating the s**t out of everybody there.

But despite all of this, what happens? Nobody will ever say you're there. Nobody can be bothered (aside from your therapist?). How do you cope with it then?

Time to Talk

Sorry to be away for a while. Nothing intentional. Just being bombarded with symptoms. Finding the new job. And trying not to vanish.

Everything is REALLY RAW right now. I can't watch TV, listen to tunes, or read anything on line (unless I have to). Everything has to be edited. Triggers are everywhere. All the usual PTSD ones. I still do all the holistic stuff. But despite all that, at times the crippling despair hits. And what do you then?

I went to therapy yesterday. And one of the hardest things is facing the total reality of how f****d up this is. Imagine dissociating every day for 35 years. With no break. Now, everything is flooding out. At times there's some intergration and a sense of calmness. But everything has to be screened. Local mental health help is non-existant. Which means you go elsewhere. Aside from here, one of the best sources for help is a crisis center in Toronto. Naturally Canadians are smart enough to have single payer health care. Can millions of people who also like Molson's and Hockey Night in Canada be wrong? I don't think so.

Sometimes we lie down and scream while fighting to not dissociate. The anger is so bad at times that we think we're going to black out. But it feels like the rest of the world says we don't want you. So what do you do then?

Thanks for the support. Please pass this URL onto everyone you think it might help. Word -of-mouth really does work.

How Are You Coping?

Sorry to be away for a while. But symptoms have been hard to handle. Maybe I can go back to therapy. We'll see.

As for symptoms, adrenalin surges and anger are are still happening. Herbs, exercise and other healthy stuff helps some. But at times you still feel like you're going to snap.

I heard that there's a co-ed survivors group here. But, while there's a woman's group and a co-ed group, there's no guy group. So if a guy shows up in the co-ed group, why not go to an all guy group? Because people are too ashamed to be seen there? I can't think of anything else.

Do you know of a guy support group online? I only know of 3 nationally. But none of them have online versions.

What are guy survivors supposed to do?

Time to Think Globally

Happy weekend? If it's not one thing it's another. A very triggering day. I'm staying away from the flu news as much as possible. Had to go down to my health food store and stock up on more herbs. Hopefully these will help to focus a little better.

I have a new Twitter channel for this blog. Everybody else is doing it. So why not? It'll be interesting to see how the response works as the audience slowly builds.

I still have dissociating and homicidal anger. I try to get it out as safely as I can. But it's hard to focus when you feel like you're going to snap. I tried my first reiki session on Saturday. Very expensive, but it did help in some ways. Your chi is aligned better. But also you feel kind of empty for a while. My sensei says that this is normal, though.

How do you deal with the anger when it feels like the world doesn't listen to you? What keeps you from snapping and going off on everybody you see? At times the despair still hits. One minute you feel ok. Then you curl up in the corner and cry. Does anybody pay attention?

Maybe Twitter is the next step?

A High Stress Day

How's your Wednesday? Just found out that my credit card company cut my credit line (even with EXCELLENT credit). Went to my bank and argued with the credit division. Called the credit report agency and didn't get much help there. There's staying in business. But there's also how you treat your customers. If you credit line is cut and you apply for a new card, your score goes down. And, my current card issuer can still cut my limit further. And I have no way to appeal it.

Other than that, more dissociating. The herbs and trying to get more sleep help some. But at times there's still the terror and flashbacks. Sometimes lucid dreams still happen. We cry at night and wonder, will this always happen?

Let's Catch Up

Finally some time to talk. How are YOU coping these days? The Bailout stuff keeps going. Torture is still legal in the States. What else is coming?

Do you still have symptoms? Today's another tough day with dissociating. Sometimes it feels like there's clarity. And then you have to focus REALLY HARD to not slip back. You fight that and do everything else.

Still, my multiples and little kid are terrified. The fear of nobody listening, nobody touching us in a positive way. Occasional horrible flashbacks to being raped.Terror as the rapist says, f***ing scream all you want. Nobody gives a s**t about you. What do you do to kill them? Will anybody listen THEN?

We try not to dwell on those that treated us like s**t. Just go on as positively as possible. Occaisonally I talk in other places about being a survivor. But still there's the this-is-too-f*****g-weird thing to deal with.

Does the despair ever go away? We hope so. But sometimes we wonder....

A Reallly Rough Friday

Happy weekend. Another busy day of a job fair, resume rewriting and cold calling. Along the way, horrible dissociating and despair. It's like everybody's screaming and beating down on you all at once. And you feel like there's nowhere to run. You refuse to role over and die. But also, at times it's like endless lucid dreams. You fight these assholes off and you know all of this is crap. But you have to focus REALLY HARD to keep your balance.

Sometimes you have to fight to not just snap and say, f**k it! I'm gonna kill everybody. The despair hits and we ask, how come nobody cares? If people did care, how come nobody will touch us? How come people can't be bothered? I'm grateful that you're here reading this. But, still the despair hits really hard.

You scream, fight and cry yourself to sleep at night. The terror is there and you ask, where is it coming from? Is it one multiple, or is it something else? How come adrenalin surges still happen? Sometimes dissociating feels automatic. Is it because it's still second nature at times? You try to focus because you don't want to disappear.

Does this still happen to you? If you're a woman survivor, are people taking you seriously re: coping after being raped? Feel free to post your comments.

What Other Choice Do You Have?

How are you coping these days? The Bailout stuff seems to get worse. Which means triggers are a BIG problem. We stay away from it as much as possible. Which means some days are really quiet (kind of like the library). Then again, that can be a nice change at times.

My multiples, little kid and I talk as much as possible. And the anger still comes out at times. Lucid dreams still happen where you have to fight off somebody trying to beat your ass into the ground. You literally have to grab them and say NO! Now, deal with that AND everything else.

The despair still comes out. We feel catatonic and wonder, what now? My therapist says it's trauma that's still flooding out. But what do you do when you feel like you're on edge all the time?

Any comments?

How Are You Coping?

Back at it after a spicy dinner and a busy day job hunting. Ocasionally the anger and dissociating hit. Which makes driving a little tricky. Then sometimes it's the despair that hits hard.

How do you cope when moments like that happen? Do survivors EVER get past this? At times, the anger of feeling like the world says f**k off is hard to handle. Does this get to you?

Please pass on your comments.

More Global Bailouts and stuff

The G20 is now over. These governments will spend $5 trillion and do more to fix the global economy. But if you print lots of money, the value goes down. But, nobody wants to admit things like that that could possibly put THEM on the unemployment line.

Closer to here, you can sense the higher stress levels. My therapist says that roughly 3 out of 10 people are trauma survivors (physical, emotional, verbal or sexual. Or all of these). At times the frustration of the world saying you don't exist is hard to handle. Also, the superficiality of some who expect you to just go along like life is ok. But if you try to talk about coping with symptoms, instantly it's what the f**k is this s**t? I DON'T WANNA HEAR IT, OK? So what am I supposed to do then? Just suck it up because the world is totally f****d up. And if you're not strong enough to take it then just f**k off? It mystifies me that some people could be like that.

Then again, I'm not responsible for them. So I choose to go on as positively as I can. How do you set boundaries to protect yourself? When was the last time someone hugged you and said, I'm sorry you were raped? It still hasn't happened to me.

Keeping the Balance

How are you coping in Bailout World? Nothing much will come out of the G20. And meanwhile, the bailouts keep coming.

I'm really trying to focus on balance. I'm trying every angle I can to find the new job and still build up the online sources. But sometimes the anger hits and then frustration and sadness. Still, I'm not going to do anything that will out myself. If it's appropriate, I'll do small things. But I'm not responsible for every survivor's healing.

How are you doing in drawing lines where necessary?

How's Your Balance?

How's your Monday? My multiples little kid and I are still meeting as much as possible. And, the mix of nervous system tonic, Vitamin D (and other herbs) are helping a little more at night. We still have dissociating at times and horrible anger. We really have to focus hard at times and we still feel sometimes like we'll snap in two.

The other thing is very sharp intuiton. It's like you're eight steps ahead of everybody else. At times we listened to business news. And it was like, ok. Tell us something we don't know. And it never came up (99% of the time).

But, stay away from triggers. And focus on what you can and need to do instead.

Cover All the Angles

How's your Wednesday? Right now working at home trying to catch up on the online moneymaking content. And staying away from triggers as much as possible. It's LOTS OF EDITING. But you have to protect yourself.

My multiples, little kid and I are still meeting every day. I try to listen as much as I can to them. But also they know that I have stuff that I have to do. So it's multitask as you go.

Is it common for survivors to always have the feeling that you're about 6 steps ahead of everybody else? My intuition is screaming sometimes. And then my percentage for being correct is much higher now. How do you filter out bombarding thoughts, feelings and more if you're in a crowded room?

Thanks in advance for your input.

More Integration and More Anger

Catching up more on online applications and the web site. There are income streams out there. But it's the old content-and-promotion-with-no-personal-assistant thing.

For trauma survivors, do you ever get past the anger and at times paralyzing fear? Sometimes the fear hits and flashbacks as well. You have to catch yourself for a second and say, no this isn't real. We don't want to disappear in dissociating forever. So what else can you do?

What keeps you in balance? Feel free to post your thoughts here. And thanks for the support.

Fighting Back Really Hard

Another Monday in Bailout World. How much has been paid out in AIG bonuses? Try over $200 million. What's next? We'll see.

Last night, had another rough time with vicious anger. Finally got to sleep around 4 a.m. I'm really trying to stay off caffeine, sugar and to be nice to my body. Still, at times you want to punch out everything in sight.

My multiples and my little kid are getting a lot out, which is good. On the other hand, at times you feel parlayzed. And we think, how come nobody can be bothered to pay attention? But we try not to dwell on it because what's the point????

Fighting to Focus

Making progress in the job hunt. I'm trying to also build up the online income streams as well.

But still dissociating is hard to handle. You stay away from all of the junk. And STILL it hits. As for triggers, I'm still editing everything. And feeling like I want to punch out the walls.

How do you get thru periods like this? Please post your comments.

Dangerous Stuff

Lots of triggers everywhere you look. It's too dangerous to watch TV. Newspapers and online stuff has to be screened.

There's still anger at times from the way lots of people treated us like s**t. And expect us to be superficial and act like life is just great. Instead, we try to just keep a positive balance. Which means no caffeine ESPECIALLY NOW.

Tomorrow I finish my tax stuff. Will I finally get my freaking Bailout check? We'll see.

We Feel Sad

My multiples and little kid are talking about a lot right now. But we feel sad.

There's a lot of fear at times. How come nobody will listen to us? How come nobody will touch us? We're not bad. We didn't ask to be raped. But NOBODY will EVER touch us or tell us, we're sorry you were raped. Lots of supreficial stuff is ok. But that's going too far and will never happen.

Will anybody ever listen? We've called help lines in the past and were told to f**k off. Lots of people are "abusing our help line for free therapy." And we're sick of it. What then is a "crisis?" Does this mean that again we don't count?

Sometimes we don't know what to do.

Balance is the KeyE

Enjoying my iced tea and staying away from triggers as much as possible. The despair still hits at times. But I'm trying everything I can to cope.

Are you surviving ok? What's up in your world? Feel free to comment.

Is Vitamin D the Answer?

Went shoppinge earlier today and stocked up on Vitamn D. I heard someone talking about it and saying that it can really help balance your seratonin levels. So we'll try it and see how it fits into the rest of the herb mix.

I'm also working on the income streams. There are niches that can be filled. But it's the old content and promotion thing that has to be done as well.

Is there some herb or combination that really helps you out? If so , please post a comment.

It Really Is Friday

How's your Friday? Caught up on some new places to apply for the Day Job. The web site and other revenue streams are still being worked on.

But also, there's the anger that still comes out. At times dissociating happens and you have to fight really hard as well. Last night I was SOOOO tired. But everybody keeps saying you have to get it out in the safest way possible.

As for triggers, I'm avoiding them as much as possible. Which means a lot of quiet space. Then again, you do what you have to.

What keeps you balanced right now? Have you found any new herbs that help as well? Post your comments.

A Rough Day With Anger

Coping ok these days? More fighting anger and dissociaiting today. Also talked to the sister about the economy. And for a second I got really pissed off when she said my brother and father were "concerned" about me during this global meltdown.

What does that mean? I'll never talk to the "parents" again because there's no point. My brother will always be a clone of my father. My sister talks to me about borrowing money. After it took her 6 years to pay back $3,000. And, after she and her husband said f**k it, we don't give as s**t how f****d up you are on meds and PTSD. We'll do anything we have to to get your f*****g money. And now SHE'S talking to ME about BORROWING money? How surreal is this?

So for a second I went off on her. Basically, I was pissed off because of the above. And also the fact that NOBODY(aside from my therapist?) gives a shit. The whole world says go freak out in the corner with your weird ass symptoms. But don't EVER do it around me. And don't EVER think that someone will actually touch you and say I'm sorry you were raped. Just be a f*****g man and suck it up. What the f***'s wrong with you?

But I later made it clear that I will NEVER EVER do anything to jeopordize my balance. And if others can't deal with that, that's their problem.

Do you have rough moments like this?

Another Rough Day

How's your anger these days? Had a rough first half. Ended up having to go out to the parking lot again and scream for an hour to get it out. It's like working out and you have to push REALLY HARD to get past that last rep. But what else can I do?

How do you cope with times like that? What helps you to get this out safely? Please pass on your comments.

The Market Goes Up. And How About You?

The market was up almost 5% today. A short term rise? We'll see.

How are your symptoms today? At times it's been tough to concentrate. But maybe now I'm getting past the worst withdrawl ones. We still feel like we're going to snap. Last night it was poring rain and we had to drive out to the empty parking lot. Then we screamed for about an hour to fight for balance and not to vanish.

How do you cope with anger like that? What helps you? I've heard some people talk about hypnosis and other tools. But right now, cost is a big problem. So any other comments would be great.

Thanks for the support.

A Lot of Anger

Fighting really hard to keep a balance. Day 5 now of no caffeine and salt. The withdrawl symptoms are really nasty. At times I want to kill everyone who gets in my way. But I refuse to sink down to these asshole's level.

Do you still have symptoms? I had to stop going to therapy for a while (due to money problems). But we can still email without him feeling like I'm ripping him off for "free therapy".

With the economy messed up, mental health is still getting cut. And some help lines are blowing people off because they're "abusing" the line.

What's "abuse"? Who's to decide what degree of dissociating (and other symptoms) qualify as OFFICIALLY being a "crisis"? That's amazing that they try to get away with this.

Back to it.

Trying to Cope

What's going on in Monday (if it is Monday where you are)? Took a break this weekend and stayed away from almost all news. You have to protect yourself all around (especially from triggers).

Day 3 with no caffeine. And salt is another danger sign too. One bag of Doritos is roughly 1600 grams of sodium. My therapist says that after a certain point of abuse, your tolerance is shot. Does this mean salt-free everything? Who knows.

Feel free to comment.

It's Friday. Really?

Did you survive another Market Lots of changes in my blogs and site to try and make as much money as possible. But no worries about this one. There will NEVER be ads on this blog.

No caffeine now for almost 24 hours. For some reason I just can't touch it anymore. Which means lots of water and as little juice as possible. Can't drink booze anymore. What to do????

Another Tough Day

Had a tough stretch today with anger and dissociating. The frustration is really bad at times. Why does this ALWAYS have to happen? We still at times feel like we're going to snap. Also at times flashbacks hit hard. But we have to fight back. We have no choice.

Thanks for the support. I see that we're getting responses from many areas. We always maintian anonymity here. But also, please pass this URL to everyone it might help. Every little bit helps to raise us on the search engines. No ego trip, but just reaching an audience.

Fighting Really Hard to not Dissociate

Another busy Wednesday. I'm keeping up, but it's hard to not dissociate. Triggers are EVERYWHERE. I can't touch any caffeine right now at all. Anger comes flaring out and it's hard to focus.

Any suggestions on how to cope?

Everything is SOOO expensive

How are you coping in the Global Meltdown? Everything is so expensive. And who keeps getting billions in free bailout money? AIG, Bank of America and others. And, there's NO LIMIT. Will we soon have to have bagfuls of money to buy a loaf of bread? It happens in other countries. So why not here?

Symptoms still happen. But I'm still using my mix of herbs, meditation and more. There's a LOT of homicidal anger. At times you feel like you're going to black out. I'm really trying to stay away from triggers as much as possible. But the despair is really debilitating.

Do you have the same thing? What helps you to not slip into this? Do you ever get past the anger from being raped? Also, how do you cope when it feels like nobody wants to listen to you?

Surviving ok?

Did you make it thru the Big Market Drop today? It was down about 4%. And there's no limit to the bailout. If you print unlimited amounts of cash, the value will go down. When will that point come? Nobody knows. Then again, how can it NOT come?

Really trying hard to stay away from all triggers as much as possible. Just keep a positive balance and moving forward. How are YOU coping?

Fighting to Keep a Sense of Balance

Just finished lunch and trying to focus. I stay off caffeine as much as possible. But still at times it's REALLY HARD to not dissociate. I listen to my multiples and little kid as much as possible. Sometimes though it's still tough.

How do you handle rough times like this? I really try to stay away from triggers. But it's tough when suddenly one hits you by surprise.

Working Away

Enjoying your weekend? Another day of battling symptoms. Despite using ging seng and other healthy stuff, we still have to fight hard to focus. Sometimes flashbacks come out of nowhere and it's a real battle to not disappear.

At times my multiples and little kid are sad. There's lots of despair and wondering how come the world won't admit we exist? Now because of the global recession/depression, lots of mental health support is being cut back. Many people are being just referred (blown off) because some places just can't be bothered. We're not trained to deal with dissociating. Oh really? This is a rape crisis line. We all know that PTSD comes from a severe trauma like being brutally raped (for both women and guys). So why are you on this line?

Can anybody else explain this?

Some Stuff You Need to Know

Have you heard of Johnson Beharry? In the U.K., he's the most highly decorated soldier who's served in Iraq (two Victoria Crosses for bravery). And now, he's taking on the government's treatment of vets who have PTSD and other problems.

How come people have to go years before the government will give them the proper treatment? You could also ask other questions as well. What about guy rape survivors? They are in the military. Which means they have twice as much stress to deal with. Beharry still has problems (and maybe he always will)?

In the States, it's the same thing. And when I hear the media talking about women vets who have PTSD or are rape survivors, I turn it off. Because it's offensive to me and other guy survivors. How come we don't count? How come we're not as important as she is? We have many of the same problems? But because she's a woman, there's more to spin and make money off of? If it's a guy, nobody gives a s**t. So why the f**k should they waste their time?

I called a helpline earlier tonight. In the past they had people who were trained in PTSD. But now, they can't be bothered to deal with PTSD symptoms. Why is that? Because of budget cuts? Is it because they're sick of people "abusing" their line for free therapy. So f**k off and go elsewhere? If you have PTSD symptoms and are having problems, that's a crisis. But obviously, they don't see it that way and just don't care.

I'm reassuring my multiples ad my little kid that it will be ok. They're still terrified at times and wonder why does the world ignore us? We didn't ask to be raped. So how come nobody pays attention? And at times I don't know what to say.

But one aspect is this. We refuse to roll over and die. We have no family and have lost a lot of friends because they couldn't deal with it. But you do what you have to to protect yourself, survive and heal.

How do you deal with feeling ignored?

It is Friday, Right?

This blog has to do with one person's fight against PTSD from being repeatedly raped by more than one person. If this bothers you, stop reading now. Otherwise, keep going and thanks for your support.

Had a rough therapy session last night. We used EMDR and a LOT of homicidal anger came out. My therapist thinks that backed up anger is one of the big problems. But we keep telling him that we have to be careful. Because if we're not, we'll get eaten alive.

A lot of symptoms are still there. A stuck fight-or-flight mechanism is still a huge pain. You have to focus and push to get the anger out. As you do you feel like you're going to snap in two. But what else can you do? The despair is there. How come we have to fight this all the time while the rest of the world treats us like s**t? Then again, you do what you have to to protect yourself. And you're not responsible for what others do and say.

What do you do when you feel stuck?

Battling Away

This blog has to do with one person's fight against horrible PTSD from being repeatedly raped by more than one person. If this bothers you, stop reading now. Otherwise, keep going and thanks for the support.

How's your day? Obama's new Budget is $4 trillion. But will we save money by leaving Iraq and Afghanistan? Noooooo. Can't piss off those defense industry corporations that gave him lots of campaign money.

I'm starting to make some money from one of my websites. But I'm still balancing that with finding the new and better job, dealing with symptoms, and more. At times I have to focus really hard to not dissociate. And to stay away from triggers as much as possible.

Does the anger of being raped always stay with you? How do you keep from being eaten alive by it? Sometimes I have to really focus so I don't vanish in lucid dreams where I kill all the m****rf*****s that treated me like s**t. If I don't, I'm afraid that I'll just snap and that's it.

How do you deal with that feeling of the world saying you don't f*****g exist? So just piss off and go away.

How Do You Cope?

This blog deals with one person fighting PTSD from being repeatedly raped by more than one person. If this bothers you, stop reading now. Otherwise, keep going and thanks for the support.

Keeping up these days? Didn't get much sleep last night due to lots of horrible lucid dreams and anger. I had to get in my car and go to an empty parking lot and scream for a few hours to try and get it all out. At times all kinds of thoughts happen:

Why is this happening to me?
How come the whole freaking world can be bothered with me fighting to survive?
How come the sick assholes who laughed in my face, treated me like s**t and raped me still come to mind?
I'm not going to off myself or drink again.
So how come it feels so horrible?

Now finally it seems like there's a little more stability. I don't want to be eaten alive by the anger and dissociating. But literally at times you can't think of one positive thing. Because then billions of flashbacks and dissociating hit. You want to scream, but you're in a crowded store. And you don't want to hide in the bathroom. So what do you do?

I try to keep things compartmentalized to cope. That doesn't mean avoiding the anger. But trying to manage it all. Does this work for you? If you're a guy survivor, are you pissed off that the world doesn't say you exist? You have many of the same problems as a woman survivor does. But they can't be bothered to admit that. Why is that?

#101 and still going

Note: This blog talks about one person's fight against PTSD from being repeatedly raped by more than one person. If this bothers you, stop reading now. Otherwise, keep going and thanks for the support.

How's YOUR day? Busy with the job hunting and building up the online content/profit. One thing that's helping is to stay off caffeine as much as possible. Instead, use lots of water and Goji juice. It's good for your immune system and helps to keep you centered.

The symptoms are still coming. At times it's like bits of sound and other stuff come out of nowhere. And you have to focus really hard to push back and not disappear into dissociating. Does this happen to anyone else? If ys, how do you cope with that? And everything else?

Post 100 and counting....

Happy 100th post to you and yours. Busy these days looking for the better job. Bulding up online income. Dealing with symptoms that the rest of the world can't be bothered with. And staying away from triggers as much as possible.

More intergration is starting to happen. But the bad part of that is we're getting bombarded with flashbacks and bits of sound from many different situations and people. It's a real pain in the ass to fight hearing Muzak from hell in your head all day long. You try to ground yourself as much as possible. But what happens if that doesn't help?

Sometimes the homicidal anger comes out and you feel like you're going to snap. Sometimes you feel like you're going to black out.

Does any of this happen to you?

A Good Monday

NOTE: This blog is one person's fight against PTSD from being repeatedly raped by more than one person. If this bothers you, stop reading now. Otherwise, keep going and thanks for your support.

It really is Monday. Tomorrow Obama signs the new Bailout. And there's a little more integration today. So we'll see how it develops.

Time to Catch Up

Note: This blog contains occasional "triggers" (sights, sounds and more) that might be disturbing to trauma survivors. This deals with one person's fight against PTSD from being repeatedly raped by more than one person. If this bothers you, stop reading now. Otherwise, keep going and thanks for your support.

What's up in your world these days? Sorry to be away for a while. It's been looking for the new job, trying to make money online with new sites, symptoms and more.

The past few weeks have been brutal. For a while literally every day it was get hammered with flashbacks and lucid dreams. It's like someobody's beating you down and it's like, f**k you. I can do any f*****g thing I please. You scream and try everything you can to focus and stay grounded. But nothing helps. So you get in your car and go someplace quiet and scream for a few hours until you think you'll collapse. Then you go home and it starts all over again.

My therapist keeps saying it's backed up trauma and needs to come out. But what happens to having one day without symptoms? Will that ever happen?

And now, maybe the adrenalin wore off. And now I can barely move my left arm much of the time. Nothing's broken. But still what do you do when at times the anger is homicidal?

Does this happen to you? How do YOU deal with this?

Feeling Really Raw

This blog talks about one person's fight against ptsd from being raped. Sometimes I use "triggers" (sights, sounds and more) to get points across. But also to never hurt anyone. If these bother you, stop reading now. Otherwise, keep going and thanks for the support.

How's your week? What's up with the Great Global Bailout? The latest I've heard is that the States share of it is $50 trillion. Not the $1 trillion that the Treasury Dept. keeps talking about (and has no idea where it is or where it's going). So how will we pay for all of this? Not sure.

How are you coping with PTSD? Everything feels really raw right now. I do all the positive stuff(exercise, be proactive, herbs, green tea). But despite all of that at times adrenlain surges feel like I'm going to snap. Dissociating still happens. Which means as much as possible avoid triggers. No news, no TV, radio is edited. Online stuff is edited. At times it's just too much.

Sometimes in the middle of the night horrible lucid dreams happen. I can't escape and someone's come to rape and then kill me. You fight back and then when you feel like you're going to pass out suddnely you get some relief. My therapist keeps saying that it's your body's way of re-balancing. But when it feels like this happens every day, at the end of that day what do you do?

I literally have nowhere else to go at the moment in the 3-D world. Online, I'm still looking for a new support group. After the last two I'm very cautious. I've even thought about starting my own PTSD helpline. But to really make it work it takes time to advertise it. And then the cost as well (if you have a big demand). 800 numbers(despite the recession) still are expensive (roughly .50 a minute). And with cuts happening all over, how do you fund that? Beg, grants and maybe Pay Pal donations (that's the real long shot).

How do handle the anger that feels like you're going to snap in two? Comments please.

Fighting Not to Dissociate

This blog talks about one person's fight against PTSD from being raped. Occasionally I use "triggers" (sights, sounds and more) to get points across. If this bothers you, stop now. Otherwise, keep going and thanks for the support.

How's your week? I'm trying really hard to stay away from triggers as much as possible. Dissociating still happens. And at times it feels like you're getting beaten down all the time. Horrible flashbacks and it's like everything's exploding all at once.

I meditate, use my herbs and try to do as much healthy stuff as possible. But sometimes you feel like you're hanging on the edge.

My therapist keeps saying that everything is flooding out and it will even out. But sometimes I wonder about that. One minute we feel ok. The next minute we think we're going to scream and fall apart.

How do others treat you as a survivor? Being a guy survivor, I try not to dwell on the feeling that nobody wants to be bothered. But sometimes it's a real challenge to do it. To not give into the homical anger and kill everybody who gets in your way.

Thanks for the comments. Please link this blog everywhere you can.

The First in 2009

Happy 2009. This blog deals with one person's fight against horrible PSTD from being repeatedly raped by more than one person. Sometimes "triggers" (sights, sounds and more) are used to get points across. If these bother you, stop now. Otherwise, keep going and thanks for the support.

Have a good New Year's? How's it so far? Feels like turmoil everywhere you look.

My holidays were rough. Lots of horrible dissociating and time in my car screaming. I thought about drinking a few times. And about suicide. But I'm still here.

As I was sitting there bashing my steering wheel and fighting not to disappear, we kept saying, we're not going to die. We're not going to just roll over and dissociate forever. If we don't fight back, we're afraid that we'll snap and seriously hurt or kill someone.

We fight to not dissociate. We fight to not have flashbacks or lucid dreams. We called a hotline to try and get help. And they said, stop calling so much because you're abusing this line for "free therapy." Which is totally not true. I only call when it's absolutely necessary.

What are we supposed to do? It feels like everywhere we go people don't listen or have some stupid cutbacks to deal with. And they don't say that upfront which can add even more stress.

Are you dealing with the same stuff? How do you cope with this? If we don't fight back it's like being raped all over again. It's like the sick asshole that raped us is laughing and saying I'm gonna f**k you till you die. And nobody gives a s**t either.

We are not going to just roll over and die. We are not going to just roll over and dissociate forever.