Wednesday, February 25, 2009

How Do You Cope?

This blog deals with one person fighting PTSD from being repeatedly raped by more than one person. If this bothers you, stop reading now. Otherwise, keep going and thanks for the support.

Keeping up these days? Didn't get much sleep last night due to lots of horrible lucid dreams and anger. I had to get in my car and go to an empty parking lot and scream for a few hours to try and get it all out. At times all kinds of thoughts happen:

Why is this happening to me?
How come the whole freaking world can be bothered with me fighting to survive?
How come the sick assholes who laughed in my face, treated me like s**t and raped me still come to mind?
I'm not going to off myself or drink again.
So how come it feels so horrible?

Now finally it seems like there's a little more stability. I don't want to be eaten alive by the anger and dissociating. But literally at times you can't think of one positive thing. Because then billions of flashbacks and dissociating hit. You want to scream, but you're in a crowded store. And you don't want to hide in the bathroom. So what do you do?

I try to keep things compartmentalized to cope. That doesn't mean avoiding the anger. But trying to manage it all. Does this work for you? If you're a guy survivor, are you pissed off that the world doesn't say you exist? You have many of the same problems as a woman survivor does. But they can't be bothered to admit that. Why is that?

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