Happy 2009. This blog deals with one person's fight against horrible PSTD from being repeatedly raped by more than one person. Sometimes "triggers" (sights, sounds and more) are used to get points across. If these bother you, stop now. Otherwise, keep going and thanks for the support.
Have a good New Year's? How's it so far? Feels like turmoil everywhere you look.
My holidays were rough. Lots of horrible dissociating and time in my car screaming. I thought about drinking a few times. And about suicide. But I'm still here.
As I was sitting there bashing my steering wheel and fighting not to disappear, we kept saying, we're not going to die. We're not going to just roll over and dissociate forever. If we don't fight back, we're afraid that we'll snap and seriously hurt or kill someone.
We fight to not dissociate. We fight to not have flashbacks or lucid dreams. We called a hotline to try and get help. And they said, stop calling so much because you're abusing this line for "free therapy." Which is totally not true. I only call when it's absolutely necessary.
What are we supposed to do? It feels like everywhere we go people don't listen or have some stupid cutbacks to deal with. And they don't say that upfront which can add even more stress.
Are you dealing with the same stuff? How do you cope with this? If we don't fight back it's like being raped all over again. It's like the sick asshole that raped us is laughing and saying I'm gonna f**k you till you die. And nobody gives a s**t either.
We are not going to just roll over and die. We are not going to just roll over and dissociate forever.