Happy 2018

Happy New Year wherever you are in the world. Here, cold but you fight symptoms and do your best to cope. No matter what, we know we did nothing wrong. We're not responsible for what others do and say.

Protect yourself as best you can.

Face Your History Head On

Another therapist appointment today. Part of it was talking about protection. We're not doing anything wrong. Protect ourselves as best you can. Keep you side of things clean. Others are responsible for the horrible things that they say and do. Not us.

Protect yourself.

Don't Get Caught in Vicious Cycles

Constant exhaustion and fighting symptoms. We're fighting really hard to not get into a vicious cycle of salt and sugar in our diet that will make everything worse. Screen everything and protect yourself.

You can't save the world singlehandedly. But you can be aware and make a difference. Just make sure your well being comes first.

Symptoms and More

Another night of almost no sleep at all. We're trying to stay away from salt and sugar as much as possible. But that struggle is always there. Then you wake up and try to focus your energy so you can then get up and go into your day. Despite that, the pain never goes away.

Abandonment, pain and other symptoms are always there. You try to focus and cope as best you can. But the pain is always there.

Don't dissociate.
Don't let your guard down.
Don't dissociate.
Don't black out and then disappear.

You have to fight to keep some sense of being grounded. Because you have to.

Screen Everything

Fight symptoms and screen everything to protect yourself. Because you have to.

Try to Feel Safe

Happy Xmas wherever you are in the world. Lost of pain, flashbacks and more as we try to protect ourselves. Despite all of that, we know we did nothing wrong. You do your best to cope.

Protect yourself.

Protect Yourself

Lots of triggering stuff is everywhere. Everything has to be screened. You have to protect your well being as best you can.

You can't singlehandedly change the world. But you can be aware and care. Despite that, the pain never goes away. You struggle and try to cope as best you can.

But the pain is always there.

Remain Calm and Don't Dissociate

Normally we try to stay away from making this yet another progressive politics blog. But at times stuff happens where you have to break the rules.  Today's an example.

Congress passed the Trump "tax cut bill". In reality, it's not a tax cut. It's a MASSIVE giveaway of billions to the ultra rich and giant corporation. It will also destroy health care for so far 35 million people. Does this happen in YOUR part of the world?

Protect yourself.

Pain Is Always There

You fight symptoms and try to protect yourself as best you can. But pain is always there. In the US, Trump wants to pass his tax cut law. This is just a way to make rich people really rich and destroy the rest. Some consider it to be "normal procedure" as politicians sit around and just deliberately lie. Even though they know they're on national TV, they don't care.

Despite this, you screen everything and try to protect yourself as best you can. You feel empty, but you know you're doing the right things.

Protect yourself.

Pay Attention to Tiny Things in How You Feel

Another day of fighting symptoms and trying to deal with constant exhaustion. Don't let your guard down so you'll relapse. Constant pain. But you have to fight back.

You have no control over others who say and do horrible stuff. But you will protect your well being. Keep your side of things clean and then you have nothing to apologize for later.

How are you dealing with your symptoms? Being around triggering people during the holidays? Protect yourself.

Back Online

Sorry to be away. But last night was a struggle to not have a dissociative relapse. Ended up staying up all night and fighting to not black out. This means that you have to fight symptoms every day and not let your guard down.

Pain is always there. You have to face your trauma history head on as best you can. But it never goes away.

Don't Relapse

Fight symptoms and don't dissociate. Protect yourself.

Focus

Don't dissociate. Protect yourself and don't let your guard down so you relapse. Because you have to.

Try to Focus

Fight symptoms and don't let your guard down. At times despair paralyzes you. But you have to face your trauma history head on. Dissociating will make things worse.

You have to protect yourself.

Trying to Focus

Another doctor appointment and fighting symptoms. Despair is always there. You try and focus to not dissociate and have a relapse. But the despair almost feels paralyzing. On the other hand, I know we're following the right things.

You have to protect yourself.

Protect Yourself

Screen everything and protect your well being. Constant exhaustion, but you have to fight back to try and keep some sense of being grounded.

Focus and Exhaustion

Fight symptoms and don't let your guard down so you relapse. Exhaustion is always there. This means you have to be careful to not overdue it on salt and sugar in your diet to fight that. What else can you do?

Threats feel like they're everywhere. Screen everything and protect yourself.

Nothing to Hide Behind

Fight symptoms and don't dissociate. You have to fight back to not let your guard down. You have nothing to hide behind. Exhaustion is always there. But what else can you do?

Triggering Stuff Is Everywhere

Another day of triggering stuff that's everywhere. You never get a break. Dissociating is still a daily struggle. It's like you constantly fight split second flashbacks. You have to fight your way out of it to regain some sense of being grounded. But it never stops.

You can't stop all of the evil people in the world. But you protect yourself as best you can. Also, don't let your guard down to where you might relapse. Why do people always relapse? Because the pain is always there.

Protect yourself.

Don't Dissociate

Triggering stuff is everywhere. It's like a really bad smog day when you feel like you never get a break because you can literally see the air you're breathing. You go out and it feels like threats are everywhere. You have to screen everything. You have to protect yourself.

As you do, you keep your mantras in mind. We did nothing wrong. The pain is always there. You do your best to cope. Keep you side of things clean, and you don't have to apologize for anything later.

Don't dissociate.
Don't let your guard down.
Protect yourself.

Fight Symptoms Because You Have To

Fighting symptoms and to not black out from dissociating. If you let your guard down, you might think that it will make pain go away. Instead, it's just the opposite. The pain gets worse. Also, triggering stuff is everywhere. You have to screen everything to try and protect yourself. This can mean some days with no TV or noise really at all. You have to feel safe.

You have to protect yourself.
You have to fight back.
You can't let your guard down and then relapse.
Why do we keep relapsing? Because the pain never goes away.
But you have to face it head on. Unless it endangers you in some way.

Sometimes you feel totally overwhelmed. But you don't have a choice. You don't have a death wish. You don't want to hurt yourself or anybody else. So you have to fight back.

Go down the street to a liquor store and stock up and then black out? Destroy 26 years of sobriety? No.
Do something else.

Don't dissociate.
Don't dissociate.
Don't dissociate.
Don't dissociate.

Protect yourself.

Screen Everything

Fighting hard to not dissociate. Constant exhaustion. But you don't have a choice.

Fight Symptoms

Another day of fighting symptoms and not falling apart to dissociate and black out. You have to fight back.

Fight to Not Dissociate

Fight symptoms and to not dissociate. You have to protect yourself. Screen everything.

Protect Yourself

Triggering stuff is everywhere. Pain never goes away. You try and face it and cope as best you can.

Pain Never Goes Away

Fight symptoms and screen everything. No matter what, pain is always there. Don't let your guard down and then dissociate and black out.

But we're doing the right things.

Screen Everything

Another day where everything needs to be screened. Triggering stuff comes out of the weirdest places. Today, it's everywhere.

Symptoms and pain are always there. You scream and fight to get pain out because you have to. At the end of the day, you're totally wiped out. But you also have a brief sense of relief.

You have to protect yourself.

Had Another Slip

A horrible night last night because of another dissociating slip. We don't have a death wish. We don't get off on pain. So why do we keep having slips?

I'm an alcoholic.
I have an addictive personality. But I'm a person, not a category.

Using only makes the pain worse. This was one of many causes of my heart disease. But also, it shows that the pain never goes away. You're not a freak, weird, strange or a danger to anybody. But PTSD is incurable. You try and cope as best you can.

Protect yourself.

Protect Yourself

Another nightmare last night. Then, facing the full pain of your trauma history. You have to face it and denial will only make it worse.

Pay attention to the tiny things in how you feel. Protect yourself.

Trying to Focus

At times, some moments of clarity. Then, bombarded with pain, flashbacks and more pain. Protect yourself.

Fight Symptoms

Constant exhaustion as we fight symptoms and to not dissociate. You constantly have to screen everything to protect yourself. On the other hand, what else can you do?

Fighting Symptoms

Sorry to be away for a while. But it's the same battle. Almost no sleep. Not knowing if we're dissociating or dreaming. Sleep paralysis. Imagine you feel awake, but your body can't move. You have to try and shock yourself awake. You constantly fight pain that's always there.

You have to screen everything to protect yourself. Anywhere you go means having an escape plan. How do I get out of here safely without attacking somebody? We still have dissociative blackouts. Which tells us that pain is always there.

It's like all of the pain from your trauma history is flooding out all at once. Denial will only make it worse. Dissociating will make pain worse, not better.

You have to fight back.
Screen everything.
Always have an escape plan.
Protect yourself, no matter what.
It's not your fault.
You can't save the world all by yourself.
You have to fight back.

You have to fight back.

Pain and Exhaustion

Every day, symptoms, pain and constant exhaustion. We don't want to relapse in any way. We're trying to get an earlier appointment with the cardiologist. Do we need some type of surgery? Not sure. But we can't just roll over and die. No matter what, you have to keep going.

Protect yourself.

Th Pain Is Always There

Very little sleep and lots of body pain. Part of it's like abdominal pain that never goes away. What's the cause? Did I accidentally eat undercooked food? Not sure.

We just don't want to end up taking lots of extra medication to literally do anything. Protect yourself.

Protect Yourself

Screen everything and protect your well being as best you can.

Screen Everything

Nightmares happen every night. Almost no sleep and constant exhaustion. The full range of symptoms. This means no TV and almost no Net content. Screen everything and protect yourself at all costs.

You have to constantly fight back. You don't have a choice. If you thought that everything was wonderful all the time, you'd probably have a breakdown.

Pain is always there. It never lets up.On the other hand, we know that we're doing the right thing to protect our well being.  Screen everything and don't let up.

Constant Pain

No real sleep. Can't remember the last time I got any. Today, more fighting symptoms. Now, our appetite has gone down a lot. It's like there's constant bloating in my stomach. My cardiologist keeps saying it sucks, but that's just one of many symptoms you have to deal with. In the past, we could drink a lot with no problem. Now, we have problems drinking 3 8 oz. glasses. Are these sigs of my heart disease getting worse?

Protect yourself.

Cover a Lot. But Don't Dissociate

Trying to keep some sense of focus as we fight symptoms and to not dissociate. But the pain is always there. The exhaustion of trying to focus and not have a relapse. It's just like any addict relapsing. Why do you use? To escape pain. Why do people dissociate? To escape pain. But denial only makes things worse.

You can't save the world all by yourself. The body pain never goes away. It's always there. You have to constantly fight back. I have anal pain. But the psycho rapist isn't raping us. We scream in pain. But they're not there.

Even though they're not there, that doesn't matter. You can't just sit back and do nothing. You have to fight back.

You have to protect yourself.

Almost No Sleep

The pain never goes away. Got about one hour of sleep due to more nightmares. But we know that we're not weird, strange or a danger in any way to anybody. You have to fight back. Don't dissociate. Don't let your guard down so you'll black out.

You have to fight back.

Pain and Exhaustion

Don't dissociate. Constant exhaustion and pain. We work out every day, unless we have no energy or chest pain. But it's still a struggle.

You have to fight back. protect yourself.

The Pain Never Stops

Another day of struggle with symptoms and trying to regain some sense of chi flow and balance. Don't dissociate. Don't set yourself up to black out.

But the pain never goes away.
Other people who are horrible have to live with the consequences of their actions. Not us.
We did nothing wrong.
Don't dissociate.
Don't set yourself up to have a relapse.
It only makes pain worse.

You have to protect yourself.

Protect Yourself

Another day of fighting symptoms. Had another dissociative slip. You fight to try and focus and say, it's not the end of the world. But it makes the pain worse and not better.

We're not a failure. Slips are like an addicts' slips. We have no desire to hurt ourselves or anybody else. You do your best to not set yourself up to slip. But the pain never goes away.

Protect yourself.

Face Your History Head On

Trying really hard to face our trauma history. It feels like just now we're facing the full horror of it. At times it's really painful to try to focus and not dissociate and black out. But what else can we do?

Protect yourself. Screen everything.

Face Your History

As best you can, face your trauma history head on. Unless it endangers you in some way.

We did nothing wrong. Other people who say and do horrible things? That's their problem? Sometimes we have moments of clarity. Then it's paralyzing pain and despair where we literally can't move. Anger and pain never go away. But what choice do we have? Denial only makes things worse.

You have to protect yourself. We're doing the right things.

It's Not Our Fault

Fight symptoms and pain all day long. We still have split second flashbacks where we scream in pain as we're being raped and NOBODY bursts in to save us.

But despite that, we did nothing wrong.

Lots of Pain

More nightmares. Is it just a dream, or dissociating? Constant exhaustion during the day. You try to keep your p/h levels balanced. Our being able to eat big meals is gone. You try to protect yourself. But the pain is always there.

Trying to Deal with Pain

A tough day with symptoms and trauma pain flooding out. Arthritic pain is worse. We try to look at it as your symptoms are a reflection of your trauma history. Which means more is flooding out. 

But despite that, it's not our fault. Try to protect your well being as best you can. 

Trying to Focus

Another day of symptoms and pain. At times we turn everything off and just concentrate on quiet. We don't want to be bombarded with noise, pain or the rest of it. Just focus on quiet.

With incurable conditions, you try to cope as best you can. But the pain never goes away.

Protect yourself.

Don't Dissociate

A long day of fighting symptoms. Exhaustion and just stay in and try to feel safe.

Wanting Revenge (Contains Potentially Triggering Content. Read at your own risk)

No sleep, fight symptoms and don't dissociate. Everywhere you look, there's triggering content. You have to screen everything. You're not responsible for all of the hypocracy and pain in the world. But it's always there.

Also, a growing list of women who say they were sexually assaulted by Harvey Weinstein. Now, other powerful Hollywood names are being named. Almost 40 women have stories about Weinstein. Either they're true, or they're not. If they are, arrest and prosecute to the fullest extent of the law. If they're lies, sue for libel. So far, NOBODY's sued. Just cheap empty threats that rich and powerful people use to buy people's silence.

The ONLY reason someone agrees to a settlement which has a confidentiality clause and a payout is because something happened.

Now though, here's another aspect of this that nobody's touching. What about guys who've been raped? What about pedophiles who rape the shit out of little kids and then get away with it? Three psycho pedophiles repeatedly raped us and were never prosecuted. We can't being any charges against anybody. No victim compensation. The statute of limitations ran out. PTSD is incurable. We've never had one day with no symptoms. We don't know what that's like. Many horrible people just want you to shut up and go away.

For a really long time, nobody helped us. It was like being barely above completely falling apart and ending up in a psych hospital. Torture every day with ultra violent unchecked dissociating. But you have to fight back. You can't just sit back and do nothing.

We're struggling right now with thoughts about buying a gun and killing the psycho rapists. Two problems. One, it's too expensive. Two, we have no desire to do life in prison for multiple pre-meditated murders. First degree murder means what? The death penalty? Would we actually do this? No. But psychologically, it's important to admit that those thoughts are there.

Any suggestions?

Fight Symptoms

Fight symptoms and exhaustion. I know that we're doing the right things to try and keep some sense of being grounded. But the pain never goes away.

Screen everything. Some days are extremely triggering content days. No TV. Just protect your well being as best you can.

You have to fight back.

Just Barely Above

Really struggling not to dissociate. For a long time, we had psychotic episodes every day. It felt like we were just barely above falling apart and having a psychotic break. NOBODY helped us for a REALLY LONG TIME. We don't want to go back to that.

Struggling to Keep Some Focus

Fight symptoms and face pain that never goes away. You have to protect yourself. But despite that, we did nothing wrong. We're not strange in any way. Your symptoms are a reflection of your trauma history.

Protect yourself.

Trying to Focus

Fight symptoms and depression. It's not to the point of wanting to hurt myself or anybody else. But you try and face your trauma history head on as best you can.

Screen everything and protect your well being.

Symptoms and More

Don't dissociate. It'll make pain worse. We don't want to disappear and feel trapped with no way out.

Do something else. Protect your well being.

Pain and Exhaustion

Symptoms, pain and exhaustion. But you fight and try to keep some sense of being grounded. You don't want to slip and black out. You don't want to violently dissociate and disappear. You have to fight to protect your well being.

Stay safe.

Trying to Stay Grounded

Protect yourself as you fight symptoms and to not black out. Pain is always there. Arthritic pain. Anal pain. Horrible torture flashbacks. But you fight back and say we're not abnormal in any way. Your symptoms are a reflection of your trauma history.

Stay safe.

More Pain

Fight symptoms and more arthritic pain. Lots of stretching and staying way from refined sugar and other toxic stuff. Protect yourself. Triggering stuff is everywhere.

Try to Keep Some Sense of Being Grounded

Symptoms and exhaustion. Don't let your guard down and then black out. You have to protect yourself. Try to keep your p/h levels balanced. To a degree, that helps to stay somewhat grounded. But the pain never goes away.

Pain is Everywhere

Fight symptoms. Don't dissociate. Arthritic pain is everywhere. Just don't black out.

Face Your History as Best You Can

The pain never goes away. Despite that, you have to face your trauma history as best you can. Unless it endangers you in some way.

We know it's not our fault. But you struggle with sadness, abandonment and wondering, where's our sense of justice? Lots of other people want nothing to do with us or our history. That's their problem. We're telling the truth.

But in the process, you have to protect yourself as best you can.

It's not our fault.
We did nothing wrong.
We did nothing wrong.
It's not our fault.

Protect yourself.

Abandonment and Pain

It's not our fault. Fight really hard to not dissociate. But lots of people who say they cared abandoned us. The pain never goes away.

Fight Symptoms

Protect yourself. Screen everything because triggering content is everywhere. You have to fight back to keep some sense of being grounded.

Stay safe.

It's Not Our Fault

Everywhere you look, it's triggering stuff. Almost 600 people get killed in Las Vegas. And no powerful person that could do something about it seems to care. Blood money from the NRA is more important than saving lives with gun control. Right now.

It's too much pain.
Turn it off.
It's not our fault.
Do something else.

We just want to feel safe.

Protect Yourself

No TV today. Screen everything and protect yourself. Don't dissociate. Do something else.

Abandonment and despair still happen. But you have to fight back to keep some sense of being grounded. What else can you do?

It's a High Triggering Content Day

Triggering stuff is everywhere. Screen everything. Fight symptoms and don't let your guard down so you'll slip and dissociate. It'll just make pain worse.

Stay safe.

Triggering Stuff is Everywhere

No TV today. Everywhere you look it's the Las Vegas shooting. The death toll continues to go up. But NOBODY is screaming gun control RIGHT NOW. Instead, it's "not appropriate". It's the wrong time? Really? Tell that to the spirits of those who died. Tell that to the surviving grieving families and friends. Instead, money from the gun lobby always comes first. Right manufacturers are ECSTATIC. Why? Because after mass shootings, gun sales ALWAYS go up. In our current capitalist society, that always comes first. Just make sure you maintain spin control on this.

Symptoms are always there. Today, stay away from TV. Instead, protect yourself. One minute there are moments of clarity. Then horrible despair. But we did nothing wrong. We can't handle our pain and the pain of the world all at the same time.

Do you feel like you see all of the hypocracy in the world?

  

Fighting to Not Dissociate

Really struggling to not dissociate. It's easy to slip and then dissolve. You have no idea of what time it is or where you are. You can't let your guard down. You have to protect yourself.

Had another severe reaction to sugar. Is this a symptom of one type of cancer? Or something else. Tomorrow we go see the new GP. Then the colonoscopy happens at the end of the month.

Stay safe.

Face Your Pain Head on As Best You Can

The pain and suffering continue in Puerto Rico. Racist Trump could care less about it. But from a distance, you do what you can to help. What's mandatory is that your well being comes first. Because it's too much to handle.

Symptoms are always there. When was the last time we got a good nights' sleep? We can't remember? Usually if you get any sleep at all, it feels like it's in one hour bits. You have to stay away from violently triggering things. When we go shopping, it's like we literally can't go thru certain sections in the store. It's just not safe. You later have horrible nightmares where it feels like your most horrible fears come out. They come out and nobody will help you. But you have to fight back.

Don't dissociate. You have to constantly fight to keep some sense of balance. Otherwise you feel like you'll just dissolve. This means constant exhaustion. But what else can you do?

Protect yourself.

Pain Is Always There

Fight symptoms all day long. Why? Because you have to.

Pay Attention to the Small Things

People still continue to ignore those suffering in Puerto Rico. Trump continues his racist garbage. We continue to fight symptoms.

My health group approved the colonoscopy (in late October). At times we've struggled with a long list of symptoms. Are these connected to some type of cancer? Or, just because of our trauma history?

Bone pain in our legs, arms shoulders, neck, back and hands.
Pain in our shoulders.
Having trouble being able to stand up (due to no energy).
No sleep at night.
Constipation.
At times having trouble focusing.
Having trouble eating.

Big meals? Can't handle those anymore. Sugar? Tiny amounts are really painful. We're trying to pay attention to small things in how we feel. Can an undealt with trauma history or toxic chemicals make you more susceptible to a long list of diseases? We say yes.

Stay safe.

Screen Everything

People continue to struggle in Puerto Rico after the hurricanes. Yet, nobody pays attention on the US mainland. Despite that, you have to protect yourself. You can't deal with your own suffering and the rest of the world all at the same time. It's too much.

Protect yourself.

Symptoms Never Go Away

Fight symptoms and don't dissociate. Every day you feel like you're on the edge and if you're not careful you'll fall apart. We don't want to dissociate. We don't want to vanish and not have any idea of where we are.

You have to fight back.
You have to protect your well being.
You can't just sit back and do nothing.

We're not crazy. We have health problems that we didn't ask for. You have to screen everything to protect yourself.

Stay safe.

Do The Right Thing

Time to do some home cleaning. Also, fight symptoms and protect yourself. Everything has to be screened. You just want to feel safe.

Protect yourself.

Don't Dissociate

A long day of fighting symptoms. Don't let your guard down and then black out. You constantly have to fight back to keep some sense of being grounded. You have to protect your well being.

We're not crazy. We're not a threat to anybody. We're not insane. We're perfectly normal and dealing our trauma history as best we can.

Face it head on. The surest way to feel horrible is to not face your trauma history head on. As long as it doesn't endanger you in some way.

You have to fight back. You have to protect your well being.

You feel totally wiped out. But what else can you do?

Fight to Keep a Sense of Balance

Fight symptoms and don't dissociate. Don't black out. You have to screen everything to protect yourself. Why? Because weird triggering stuff comes out of nowhere.

It's not your fault.
You did nothing wrong.
You're not weird, strange or a danger to anybody.
You have to do the responsible thing.

Protect yourself.

No Power for 6 Months and More

Right now, Puerto Rico has no power. Anywhere. Destruction everywhere. Good luck in trying to find a working phone line. Maybe ham radio connections. We'll see.

While we can't save the world all by ourselves, you try to be aware and care. But your well being comes first. At times we turn everything off. We want no noise. We just want to feel safe in our own home.

Protect yourself.

You Have to Fight Back

Another hurricane comes thru Puerto Rico. Now, the ENTIRE territory will have no power for 6 months. Imagine a major city in your area with no power for 6 months. What would you do?

Went to another cancer screening test on almost no sleep. After that, had a big late breakfast, went home and then slept. Just rest and protect yourself. The doctor will call back with the results. So we'll see.

In the meantime, you have to fight back. We're not a threat to anybody, including ourselves. What else can you do?

Protect Yourself

The hurricanes keep coming. The neocons want to kill millions with their "health care" bill. The rich and powerful say they can have the best of everything. Why? Because they're rich and powerful, of course.

Right now, no noise. No TV, no being bombarded with pain. There's enough of that every day as it is. Instead, protect yourself. Don't dissociate. Don't let your guard down so that you'll fall apart. You have to protect yourself.

Health is holistic. Both physical and mental. When problems flare up, they're connected to something deeper.  Because it all has to come out. If trauma doesn't come out in one way, it will come out in other destructive ways. Why do addicts use? To escape pain.

What other choice do you have except to face it head on?

Don't Relapse

Another day of fighting symptoms and to not black out. Dissociating will only make thing worse. Protect yourself at all costs.

Struggling with Symptoms

A long day every day fighting symptoms. Feeling abandoned. Facing the full  terror of your trauma history. Nobody helped me for a really long time. They'll never apologize. Nothing you can do about that. Except to say they have to live with that. Nobody forced them to say and do cruel things. Now it's your problem.

Today, don't dissociate. You try and just sit quietly and focus on the space you're on and things around you. Nobody's there. Don't black out. The symptoms and pain will never go away. You just try to protect yourself as best you can.

Fight Dissociating

Fight dissociating and other symptoms, all day long. You turn things off and just focus on trying to feel grounded. But it never stops. You have to fight back.

Protect yourself.

You have to Fight Back

Another day of fighting symptoms. You have to fight back. Don't dissociate. Otherwise you'll fall apart.

Right now a break from nightmares. But the pain never goes away.

No More Storms. But Symptoms Are Still There

Sorry to be away. But it's been a real battle to deal with hurricanes and symptoms. We have a long history of severe addictions. At times it feels like the pain from all of those hits you at once. Now add the PTSD symptoms to that. Sometimes you just want to sit and turn everything off. Just focus on quiet. Don't be bombarded with pain.

But the pain never goes away.

You can't control others. But you do your best to protect yourself. You're not a threat to anybody else. But you have to be careful on bad days with anger, pain or abandonment.

The pain never goes away.
The pain never goes away.
The pain never goes away.

Protect yourself.

More is Coming

First it was Harvey. Now Irma will hit Florida tomorrow. While we try to be aware, at times you just need a break from it.

Symptoms are still there. Despite the pain and how horrible facing our trauma history is, we know we're doing the right thing. Don't dissociate. Don't let your guard down where you might relapse. It's just like an addict. It only makes pain worse.

Stay safe.

Fight Symptoms

You have to fight back. Never let your guard down so that you might slip and dissociate. The pain never goes away.

But what else can you do?

One's Done. More on the Way

Harvey's done. Now it's Irma. After that, Tropical Storm Jose. Irma is the second most powerful Atlantic hurricane ever. Climate change is getting stronger.

A constant struggle with symptoms. Don't dissociate. You have to always fight to keep some sense of being grounded. You don't have a choice. If not, you'll fall apart.

Protect yourself.

Don't Dissociate

A holiday that almost nobody took off (due to trying to recover from Harvey and more). This week, back to a new doctors' appointment. Don't dissociate. Protect yourself.

Covering a Lot

Got around a lot today with various bills and more. Slowly many things are starting to come back to normal. You do your best.

In the process, it's really exhausting to deal with symptoms. Especially to not dissociate. We don't want to have a relapse and end up literally falling apart. You have to protect yourself. But at times flashbacks happen, and then abandonment and more.

But it's not our fault.

The Sun's Back!

The sun finally came out today!

Neighborhoods are drying out. Stores are starting to open again ((albeit with some rationing right now on some basics). Up above are National Guard cargo planes and Blackhawk helicopters. Don't see those flying around every day.

Almost 2 months now with no dissociative relapse. Just don't let your guard down. Extremely exhausting, but what else can you do?

Finally a Break

Some sections of town are still flooding. But the good news is our area seems to be shielded from much of the worst. The forecasters say it should be over by Friday. Hopefully tomorrow there's more access to doctor appointments, meds, groceries and more.

Symptoms and pain are still there. Arthritic pain is worse now. In the morning, it's a struggle to stand up and walk. On top of that, you got almost no sleep at all.

You don't want to turn into some burned out angry and cynical monster who says I just don't care about anything anymore. You just try to protect yourself as best you can.

Finally a Weather Break?

Harvey continues. But now, finally some sun tomorrow? We'll see. In the meantime, you fight symptoms and try not to slip and dissociate. You don't want to make pain worse.

Lots of pain and emotional ups and downs. You don't want to hurt yourself or anybody else. But the pain is always there.

Protect yourself.

It's Still Here

It rains. It stops for about 5 minutes. Then it starts again. The Army Corps of Engineers calls two dams reaching record levels "an unprecedented historical event". Releasing some water from these will cause more flooding. But there's no other way to control the water in both dams.

Almost everything's closed. All the major freeways are almost completely empty. It's like a war zone. Many are totally flooded out. No car? Just walk and hope to be picked up by a helicopter or a boat.

Imagine walking thru the biggest city in your area and there's no traffic anywhere.

No predicted break until Thursday. In the meantime, symptoms are still there. Trying to keep some sense of balance.

Stay safe.

Harvey Comes Ashore

Yesterday, Hurricane Harvey was a tropical storm. Tonight, it's a Category 4 storm (5 being the highest). Winds in the center are around 135 mph. Now it's supposed to stay still and just endlessly rain for about 5 days. Possible rain of up to 3 feet (you convert to meters).

The power's gone off 3 times so far. Now, everything's on and we're prepared to survive for about 5 days. Hopefully we won't have to evacuate. But it's hard to deal with this and not be bombarded at times with flashbacks and other pain.

Just protect yourself as best you can.

A Storm and More

What's the latest? The tropical storm is now a Level 3 hurricane, and growing as we speak. It's supposed to hit the coast by tomorrow afternoon. Which means lots of last minute shopping (binge for some?). The bottled water is almost gone. Imagine rows with empty shelves. Our attitude? Plan for the worst. If it doesn't happen, you don't have to shop for a while.

Symptoms are still there. Arthritic pain is worse today. We try to look at it like it's trauma pain flooding out. At times you feel paralyzed. What do you do? Despite that, you have to fight back.

We can't control Trump. The government going bankrupt. Rampant racism. You just try to be aware and care. But your well being comes first.

You Can't Save the World All By Yourself

Everywhere you look, it's death and destruction. War crimes, racism, growing inequality. What can one person do about this? Can you save the world all by yourself? Unfortunately no. But, being aware and caring is just as important.

We're a firm believer in facing your trauma history head on as best you can. As long as it doesn't endanger yourself. Some days you feel like you have some fleeting moments of focus. Others, you battle to not black out.

Why do others who are horrible act and say horrible things? We don't know. But we do know that they have to live with the consequences of that. Keep you side of things clean as best you can. That way, you don't have to apologize later for anything.

The pain is always there.

Protect Yourself

A long day of fighting symptoms. Don't dissociate. Protect yourself.

Constant exhaustion. But you're on the right path.

Sorry to Be Away

How was last week? Here, lots of appointments and a real struggle with symptoms. Constant exhaustion as you fight symptoms. But you have no choice. You have to fight back.

Stay close.

Appointments and More Appointments

Another doctors' appointment tomorrow. This time, talk to a gi doctor about my positive cancer test screening result. Is it juts a false positive? Not sure. but the good news is that we've never been diagnosed with cancer. Right now, it's constant exhaustion. I think it's from my PTSD symptoms. But we'll find out more tomorrow.

You have to fight back. Don't dissociate. But it never lets up.

You have to Fight Back

Fight symptoms. The pain never goes away. We don't want to go back to a psych ward. But what else can you do?

Protect Yourself at All Costs

No sleep at night again. Also, more nightmares. You then wake up and feel like you're THIS CLOSE to going back to a psych ward. Am I insane? Am I weird. No to both.

But you have to fight back. Turn everything off. No TV. Almost nothing online. Screen everything. Is it safe to go outside? Even in crowded places, everything feels like a threat. Everything is a war zone.

I'm not a threat to anybody.

Fight Symptoms

Another night of almost no sleep. Then a dentists appointment. It was a real struggle at times to not hallucinate and have torture flashbacks. Get in my car, and it's flashbacks to car wrecks. Try to keep your p/h balance okay. If not, it makes everything worse.

I did nothing wrong.
We did nothing wrong.
It's not our fault.
Your symptoms are a reflection of your trauma history.

Screen everything and protect yourself.

Struggle to Focus

Don't slip. Don't dissociate. If you let your guard down, you might slip and fall apart. Some people do this and die from it. We have no death wish. We just want to protect ourselves.

Don't fall apart.
Don't dissociate.
Don't let your guard down.
Protect yourself

We don't want to fall apart. For a long time we were fighting to not turn psychotic because of our trauma history. We don't want to go back to that.

Protect yourself.

Los of Pain

Almost no sleep at all last night. It was like you couldn't move. No energy at all. Almost stayed in bed all day to try and get some sense of energy back. No shortness of breath or chest pain. But small things take a huge amount of energy.

Triggering things are everywhere. If you're not careful, it feels like you're in a war zone. What's real and what isn't? We've never had a day free of symptoms. Instead, you have to fight back.

Threats are everywhere. Everything has to be screened.  Protect yourself.

Constant Exhaustion

Fight symptoms and don't dissociate. You can't let your guard down. There's constant exhaustion. We still do other things to try and keep stress down. But the pain is always there. Small things take an enormous amount of energy. You have to fight.

Protect yourself.

Another Day of Fighting Symptoms

Triggering stuff is everywhere. Screen everything. You have to fight back. The pain never stops. On the other hand, we're following the right things in facing our trauma history as best we can.

Small things take an enormous amount of energy. Taking a shower. Walking out the front door. Getting in the car without feeling like the psycho rapist is going to cut your throat and kill you.

You have to fight back.

Fight to Focus

There is no cure for PTSD. Which means like any incurable thing, you do your best to try and cope. But the pain is always there. Pain, symptoms and psychotic episodes.

You're not crazy. You're not strange in any way. You have to fight to protect your well being. What else can you do?

Fight Symptoms

Fight symptoms. Lack of sleep. If we're lucky, maybe 2 hours a night. Constant exhaustion. But don't slip and binge on salt and sugar.

You have to protect yourself.

Back On Line

Sorry to be off for a while. Due to technical problems, I couldn't log back in here. Did I forget the right user name and password? Tried it again, and it turns out the originals still work. So back online.

Symptoms are still there. Almost had another dissociative blackout yesterday. You have to really fight to focus and keep some sense of what's real and what isn't. You have to protect yourself.

Triggering things are everywhere. Set boundaries and protect yourself.

Fight Symptoms

A tough day of fighting symptoms. We don't have death wish. But you have to fight hard to not fall apart.

Protect yourself. It's not your fault. Don't dissociate. You don't want to fall apart.

You have to protect yourself.

Try to Focus

Don't dissociate. Try to keep some sense of focus. Protect yourself.

Don't Dissociate

Fighting symptoms and trying to keep some sense of focus.

Don't dissociate.
Don't dissociate.
Don't let your guard down.
Protect yourself.
Set boundaries.

Don't dissociate. Do something else.

Fight Symptoms

Another long day of fighting symptoms. Triggering stuff is everywhere. No TV today. You go shopping and have to avoid certain aisles. You never get a break. You have to protect yourself.

If you're not careful, one tiny triggering thing can literally kill you. I'm not crazy. I'm not weird, a freak or dangerous to anybody. But the pain is always there.

Set boundaries as best you can. Don't let your guard down so that you might dissociate. On bad days, you just stay home and try to focus on feeling safe. Don't go out. Protect yourself. You have to do it.

You can't handle the pain of the world and yours all at the same time. Also remember that you did nothing wrong. Horrible people are responsible for what they do and say. Not us.

Protect yourself.

Protect Yourself

Another day of fighting symptoms. Set boundaries and protect yourself.

Trying for Some Peace and Quiet

Had to go out for a while. Now, it's back at home and trying to screen everything. No TV, no Trump garbage. Instead, some peace and quiet and trying to feel safe.

Lots of tea and trying to stay away from salt and sugar. Both played roles (and still do)  in my heart disease. Your system can only take so much abuse before it gives out. Despite that, the extreme ups and downs still happen. One minute you feel like you have some sense of clarity. Then, you're one step away from hurting yourself.

Triggering things can come from the tiniest things. A color, a sight, a sound. A face that reminds you of others. Also, flashbacks to torture and daily non stop abuse. You can't control what horrible people say and do. But they do have to live with the consequences of their actions.

You have to fight back. You can't just sit and do nothing. Just going with the flow doesn't work. You try to cope as best you can.

But the pain never goes away.
 .

Struggle with Symptoms

Happy birthday to us. A struggle to deal with symptoms and no energy at all. By the middle of the day, it was just go home and go to bed.

You have to protect yourself.

Anger and Abandonment

Another day of struggling with symptoms. Anger and frustration are tough to face, as best you can. But denial just makes things worse. Face your trauma history head on, unless it endangers you in some way.

No matter what, it's not our fault. Protect yourself.

Protect Yourself

A long day with dealing with symptoms. Went to an early birthday lunch with some family. While I appreciated the gesture, I'd like to have time for me. You try and focus as you're being bombarded with pain. You try and focus so you won't dissociate.

Keep your diet balanced, and see if it helps to deal with symptoms. It's still exhausting as you deal with  anger, frustration, and trying not to attack people. You have to fight.

Pain is always there. You fight to focus and not dissociate. You just want to have a moment of clarity. But the battle never stops.

Protect yourself.

A Constant Battle with Symptoms

Another day of fighting symptoms and dissociating. Our tolerance for an acidic diet is gone. Avoid salt and sugar as much as possible. Also salt, which is another stimulant.

Burnout never goes away. But you do your best to protect yourself.

More appointments coming up.

More Pain

Symptoms and pain are still there. Especially arthritic pain. No luck yet in trying to get second opinions on possible exploratory heart surgery or from a rheumatologist. We'll see what happens.

Set boundaries as best you can. Protect yourself.

Pain Comes Flooding Out

Another day of symptoms and pain. For a while I thought I'd have a break from arthritis. Now, I can barely move. What's the triggering thing to make it worse? Salt? Sugar? Acidic content? Even if I focus, I can barely standup. Later I'll try my yoga practice and see how I feel then.

Or, is it backed up trauma pain flooding out? If it doesn't come out in one way, it comes out in others.
You have to face it head on, as best you can.

Protect yourself.

Trying to Focus

Burnout is always there. Just like all the other symptoms. Don't dissociate. Don't let your guard down to then black out. You have no idea of where you are. You have to protect yourselves.

Screen everything and stay safe.

Pain Is Always There

Everything's connected. Health is both physical and mental. Pain never goes away.

Trying to stretch and be careful with the diet. Too acidic means inflammation? You have to protect yourself.

Flashbacks still happen to abuse, torture and more. You have to protect yourself.

Stay safe.

Nightmares and More

Nightmares have come back. There's no set pattern to them. But you never get a break from them. Pain is also there. Arthritic, circulation and body memory pain. All at the same time. You have to fight back. You can't just sit back and do nothing.

You scream and fight to get anger out. Sometimes you get a brief moment of clarity and relief. But then the cycle starts again. When the end of the day comes, you can barely move. But you have to fight. Just doing nothing will make you fall apart.

We did nothing wrong
It's not our fault
We are not weird, strange or dangerous in any way
You have to screen everything to protect yourself
You have to fight back

Protect yourself.

Trying for Balance

Another night of almost no sleep. Stay away from salt, sugar and caffeine as much as possible. Set boundaries. Screen everything. Some days there's no TV. No being bombarded with pain. But even with these things, it's still there.

I go out driving somewhere, and flashbacks happen to getting hit by another car. My car is totaled. Am I dead? No. Can I move? Yes. Why is this happening? Pain is always there. Dissociating is always there. I also know that your chemical balance plays a role in this. If you can keep your p/h levels in a good balance, it helps to a certain extent.

But the pain is always there. You never get a break.

You try and focus on a good chi flow. But it's always a struggle. It's like at times bits and pieces come out of nowhere. You have to fight really hard to get the anger out and feel like maybe you'll get a few seconds of relief.

The pain is still there.

You have to fight back. You have to protect yourself. You don't have a choice.

Flashbacks and More

A tough day with symptoms and lots of flashbacks. I'm driving somewhere and suddenly I'm in an accident where I was almost killed. In the past ten years I've almost died 5 times. You have to focus really hard to protect yourself. Fourth of July fireworks? Also triggering.

Torture flashbacks still happen. Do you still have these happen? How do you deal with these?

Stay safe.

Incurable Condition

PTSD is incurable. Which means like for any incurable condition, you do the best you can to cope with symptoms. Dissociating is still one of the hardest ones to deal with. You don't want to disappear and no idea of where you are. Blackouts still happen.

Despite that, you protect your well being. What else can you do?

Pain and Symptoms

Fighting symptoms and exhaustion all day. Even if you manage to get some sleep at night, you still struggle to focus and wake up.

Fight all day to protect yourself. Pain never goes away, and you don't have a choice. Take care of yourself.

Protect Yourself

Fight symptoms and screen everything. Don't set yourself up to possibly slip and dissociate. You can't handle your pain and the pain of the world all at the same time.

Cover your bases and protect yourself.

Never Let Your Guard Down

One thing all trauma survivors have to keep in mind. Never let your guard down so that triggering stuff could harm you in some way. It's like addicts who can't afford to relapse. You might think it's a way to escape pain, but it's not. It just makes things way worse.

We don't want to go back to violently dissociating and have no idea of where we are, what time it is and then not caring. Fighting psychotic episodes all the time. Not knowing where you are. You have to protect yourself. If you don't, the tiniest triggering thing could kill you. Does that ever go away? No it doesn't.

You have to protect yourself. We had another dissociative slip. But we're be okay. The pain never goes away.

Protect yourself.

Fight to Keep Some Sense of Balance

You have to fight back. Protect yourself.

Bombarded with Pain

Burnout never goes away. Pain is always there. But you have to fight back to have some sense of balance. You have to protect your well being.

Can you save the world all by yourself? No. But awareness and caring are always there. Just be selective in where you fight your battles.

How do you cope with your burnout?

Pain Never Goes Away

Another day of fighting symptoms and pain. You open your eyes in the morning and try to sit up and then stand up. You feel beat up and intense arthritic pain. Breathe deeply, try to focus and then stand up. If you can stand up, walking and trying to move is painful.

You fix breakfast and try to sit down. Any movement feels painful. Then stretch out and try to focus on the TV with the sound turned down. then you try focus and have some sense of energy to be able to go out. Take a shower and stretch to stimulate chi throughout your spine. But exhaustion is always there.

You can go out. But you always have to have an escape plan to protect yourself. Dissociating and other symptoms are always there. Will somebody try to attack and kill us in this crowded place? On bad days you have to focus to try and get in and out without attacking anybody.

Pain and abandonment are always there. You don't want to hurt yourself or anybody else. You have to fight to focus and hold onto some sense of balance. You have to focus and not feel like you're falling off a cliff and will disappear and die.

You can never let your guard down. You always have to fight back.

Protect yourself.

Fighting for Treatment

Another day of fighting burnout and other symptoms. Also, "Trump Care". For any readers who don't know what that is, it's the Republicans sick and twisted idea of health care. The rest of the civilized world has single payer health care. But in the States, it's profit that matters. "Trump Care" is just a massive tax cut for the ultra wealthy. This bill will end health coverage for 26 million people. Many will die. This is called murder. But in Washington DC politics, this is acceptable.

Why? Because there's an idea there of "looking forward and not backward". This means if someone commits a crime, don't prosecute them because that would be too divisive. Instead, just look ahead to tomorrow. If this becomes law, this will severely hurt me being able to get access to the treatment that I need.

Denial used to be a problem. Now I can admit that I'm a rape survivor. I can admit that it's not my fault. But the pain never goes away. On bad days you're one step short of killing yourself. I would  never do that. But it's important to admit that those thoughts are there.

Is "Trump Care" one way for the rich to kill the poor? Yes it is.

Protect yourself.

Trying to Focus

A long day of fighting symptoms. Pain and despair never go away. We work out as a way to deal with adrenalin surges and heart disease. But the symptoms are still there.

Stay away from stimulants as best you can. They just make things way worse. But what else can you do?

Don't Let Your Guard Dwn

Another day of fighting symptoms, exhaustion and more. As best you can, don't put yourself in a situation where you might let your guard down and then dissociate and vanish. That doesn't relieve pain. It makes it worse. You have to fight back.

You have to protect yourself. At times pain is everywhere, Arthritic pain. Circulation pain. Body memory pain. But you have to face it head on as best you can. As long as it doesn't endanger you in some way.

Protect your well being.

Fight to Have A Sense of Balance

Another day of fighting symptoms. Pain is always there. Don't let your guard down so you'd have a slip and dissociate. It doesn't help to escape pain. It just makes things worse.

Abandonment never goes away. You try to reassure yourself (and my multiples and little kid) that we did nothing wrong. If other do and say horrible stuff, that's their choice. They then have to live with the consequences.

You just try to protect your well being.

There Is No Cure

There is no cure for PTSD. Which means like with any incurable condition, you try to protect your well being as best you can. But the pain is always there.

Pay attention to tiny things in how you feel.

Low Energy

How's your Wednesday? Today is an ultra high triggering day. No TV, no commercials. Protect yourself everywhere you go. Still almost no sleep at all at night. You're constantly struggling all day to try and have some sense of energy.

You have to fight back. You have no control over other horrible people. They  have to live with the consequences of what they say and do.

It's like the full horror of our trauma history is hitting really hard. You feel paralyzed at times. You just sit and want quiet. You did nothing wrong. But you feel horrible.

What else can you do?

Feeling Paralyzed

What's it like to have a day free of symptoms? We don't know. You never get a good night's sleep. Then you wake up between 2 and 4 a.m. You eat something and try to focus. Instead, you stretch out and many times get maybe a hour of sleep (if you're lucky). Then it's a constant battle to try and get thru the day with some sense of energy.

You sit still and at times you just want quiet. Don't be bombarded with flashbacks, noise and pain. Just sit and focus on the quiet. Sometimes you can for short periods. Other times it doesn't work. But despite that, you have to fight back. You can't just sit and do nothing. That doesn't work.

The truth is I (along with my little kid and multiples) have seen and had horrible things happen to us. One minute you feel like you have some sense of clarity. Then, you're this close to killing yourself. Would we ever do that? No. But the pain never goes away.

We did nothing wrong.
We're not strange in any way.
The severity of your symptoms is equal to severity of your trauma history.
Pain never goes away.
We won't off ourselves.
We did nothing wrong.

Sometimes we just curl up and rock back and forth. You just want to feel safe.

Symptoms and Exhaustion

A long day of fighting symptoms and to not black out from exhaustion. Too tired to do anything.

Finally Some Sleep

After 2 days straight with no sleep, we finally managed to get a few hours. But the constant exhaustion is still there. Despite that, you have to fight. Don't dissociate. We still struggle with facing how horribly severe our trauma history has been (and continues to be).

You have to protect yourself.

Symptoms and More

Fight symptoms and exhaustion all day long. Triggering stuff feels like it's everywhere. Which means you always have to screen everything to protect yourself.

Nightmares still happen. At other times, split second thoughts about raping little kids also happen. Even though it does, we'll never act on that and we're not a psycho pedophile just because it does happen.

That doesn't change the fact that you feel sad, abandoned and struggle to keep some sense of balance. What  else can you do?

Exhaustion and Pain

Another day of fighting symptoms and adrenal exhaustion. You have to protect yourself. But it never goes away.

Also heart symptoms. Part of heart failure is messed up digestion. I can't handle big meals or lots of liquids anymore. Does it get better? Not sure.

Protect yourself.

Pay Attention to the Small Things

Another day of fighting symptoms. Also, hypersensitive to stimulants. If you have more than a tiny amount, it makes all of my symptoms worse. So you have to pay attention to tiny things in how you feel.

Dissociating is still one of the hardest symptoms to deal with. One minute you feel like you have a moment of clarity. Then, you're one step away from killing yourself. I would never do that, of course. But you have to face that despair as best you can.

You have to fight back.

Trying to Focus

Pain, symptoms and fighting to not dissociate and black out. Constant exhaustion. But you have to fight back.

I'm not crazy. I'm not a danger to anybody. You have to fight back. Pain never goes away.

Trying to Find a Balance

Symptoms are still there. You think you have a moment of clarity, and it's incredibly exhausting to try and hold onto that. You continue to fight being bombarded with pain. Torture flashbacks, nightmare and more.

But what else can you do? You have to fight back.

Bombarded with Flashbacks and Pain

Happy holiday weekend (if you're lucky enough to have one). Symptoms and nightmares still happen. Pain is still there. When I wake up in the morning, you have to focus and deal with dissociating and pain. Many time arthritic.

Then, we're still trying to keep some sense of being grounded. It's like holding onto many things to keep everything in line. It's a constant battle to not dissociate or black out. You also have torture flashbacks and other types of pain.

It's constant exhaustion. You can't just sit back and do nothing, You have to fight back. But flashbacks happen. Constant pain and psychotic episodes. Every day. Nobody helped us.

Every single day.

Don't intentionally put yourself in a position where you'll slip. Dissociating is like binge drinking. It only makes pain worse. You have to protect yourself.

You don't want to turn into some burned out, nasty monster because of your trauma history. You have to protect yourself. You have to do the responsible thing.

You just want to be able to sit and listen to quiet. Sit, listen and don't be bombarded with pain.

Protect yourself.

Trying to Focus

Trying really hard to have some sense of being grounded. But it's a huge struggle. You don't want to fall apart and black out.

What else can you do?

Symptoms and More

Fight symptoms. Torture flashbacks. Don't dissociate.

Set boundaries
Screen everything
Protect yourself

Don't Dissociate

Fight symptoms all day. Don't dissociate. You have to. You can't just sit back and do nothing. You have to protect yourself.

More Fighting Symptoms

A new doctor's appointment. My blood clotting factor is too high. But, no chest pain or shortness of breath for a while now. Despite that, other symptoms are still there. Don't dissociate. Fight to keep some sense of focus. By the end of the day, we're totally wiped out.

What else can you do?

Body pain and Adrenalin Surges

A real struggle right now with adrenalin surges and torture flashbacks. Did one triggering thing set this off? I don't know. But you have to constantly fight to keep some sense of balance and smooth chi low. Otherwise it feels like your nervous system is all messed up. It's like you have horribly severe MS or some other autoimmune condition.

A terrorist attack in the UK. Trump sells weapons to help Saudi Arabia continue war crimes in Yemen. Can I singlehandedly stop this? No. But stay aware, care and protect your well being.

Flashbacks

Today was graduation day for one of my nephews. I've always tried to be as supportive as possible to all of my nephews and nieces. So while I was happy for him, it was also tough because of being bombarded with flashbacks. At my graduation, my PTSD symptoms were horrible severe. Psychotic episodes happened every day.

Nobody helped me.

You have to protect little kids. I was repeatedly tortured by three psychos that got away with it. NOBODY helped us for a really long time.

Pain never goes away.

Not Running Away from Pain

Got through a decent  workout today. But also for some reason there's pain in my back. It feels like it's in my rib cage. Did I break something? No. But despite stretching a lot it's still there. What's causing it? I don't know.

Despite that, I do know that you need to face your trauma history head on as best you can. Arthritic pain is still there. But running away won't solve anything.

No matter what, don't dissociate. Don't set yourself up to where you'll slip into dissociating and go back to disappearing and having psychotic episodes. Protect yourself.

Try to Have Some Sense of Balance

Exhaustion and symptoms are still there. Dissociating is still a struggle. Sometimes you're bombarded with feeling abandoned. But you have to keep going.

You try to set boundaries and protect yourself. What else can you do?

Exhaustion

Struggling with abandonment. Also the feeling of you have to protect my little kid and all other little kids from psycho rapists. You try to cope as best you can.

Trying to Focus

It's been a busy week. Sorry to be away, but it's been a real struggle to deal with symptoms, appointments and to keep some sense of balance. You set boundaries as best you can. Protect yourself from triggering stuff as much as possible. If you didn't, a tiny slip could be fatal.

I'm struggling with flashbacks and abandonment. You try to be supportive of others as best you can. But despite that, at times you feel paralyzed with pain. Our symptoms have been horribly severe for a long time, and continue to be. But we know we're on the right path overall. We can't get support from the "immediate family"? Okay. Go somewhere else to get the support you need.

We did nothing wrong.
We're not insane.
We're not weird.
We're not a freak.
If we have thoughts about raping little kids, that will never happen. Having these thoughts doesn't mean
that we're some psycho pedophile.
We're not a danger to ourselves or anyone else.

We just want to feel safe.

Exhaustion and Balance

Sorry to be away for a little while. Got no sleep at all for 2 days, till we finally just passed out. Got a little bit of sleep. But it's still a struggle to focus and not dissociate in the morning. Also, throughout the day.

I check a lot during the day to see what's real and what's isn't. You could dissociate and feel like you're escaping pain. Actually it just makes things worse. This means feeling solid things. Look around you. Feel the empty space around you. There's nobody there. However at times you have to really focus. Now, do this all day long.

There is no cure to PTSD. There is no cure to psychosis. You try and do the best you can to protect your well being. Pay attention to tiny things. Protect yourself as best you can.

Trying to keep a balance in your p/h level helps to a certain degree. Despite that, the problems are always there.

What else can you do?

Protect Yourself

Fight symptoms all day long. You never get a break from exhaustion. You have to keep some sense of balance. You have to get anger out without endangering yourself or others. By the end of the day you can barely move. But that's what you have to do. That tells us the severity of our symptoms.

No heart surgery yet. I told my cardiologist that I would prefer not to have surgery. UNLESS my life depends on it. Everything's connected. Pay attention to tiny things. You scream at times to not black out from dissociating. We don't want to dissociate and vanish.

You have to screen everything and protect your well being.

Exhaustion and Protecting Yourself

Fighting really hard to not black out from dissociating. Tomorrow another doctor's appointment. Exhaustion is always there, from both CDD and cardiomyopathy. But you have to fight back and not do nothing.

Protect yourself.

Pain and Exhaustion

Really struggling the past few days with pain, exhaustion, nightmares and more. Also today, the US House in Congress passed Trump Care. For anyone who doesn't know what that is, it's a potential law that takes away health coverage from 24-26 million people. If you have a "pre-existing condition", your coverage will be cancelled.  Keep in mind that the US is the ONLY country in the world with no universal health care.

What conditions does this cover?

AIDS/HIV
acid reflux
acne
ADD
addiction
Alzheimer's
dementia
anemia
aneurysm
angioplasty
anorexia
anxiety
arrhythmia
arthritis
asthma
atrial fibrillation
autism
baraitric surgery
basel cell carcinoma
bipolar disorder
blood clot
breast cancer
bulimia
bypass surgery
celiac disease
cerebral aneurysm
cerebral embolism
cerebral palsy
cerebral thrombosis
cervical cancer
colon cancer
colon polyps
congestive heart failure
COPD
Crohn's disease
cystic fibrosis
DMD
depression
diabetes
disabilities
Down syndrome
eating disorders
enlarged prostate
epilepsy
glaucoma
gout
heart disease
heart murmur
heartburn
hemophilia
hepatitis C
herpes
high cholesterol
hypertension
hysterectomy
kidney disease
kidney stones
kidney transplant
leukemia
lung cancer
lupus
lymphoma
mental health issues
migraines
MS
muscular dystrophy
narcolepsy
nasal polyps
obesity
OCD
organ transplant
osteoporosis
pacemaker
panic disorder
paralysis
paraplegia
Parkinson's disease
pregnancy
restless leg syndrome
schizophrenia
seasonal affective disorder
seizures
sickle cell disease
skin cancer
sleep apnea
sleep disorders
stent
stroke
thyroid issues
tooth disease
tuberculosis

No other country in the world has a system this bad. The NHS in the UK is underfunded. But that system has been in place for a long time, and is accepted. The same thing in Canada and Australia. If these countries did away with their universal care, millions of people would burn down the Prime Minister's residence.

Another appointment tomorrow. Protect yourself.

Sorry to Be Away

How's the weekend? Sorry to be away. But it's fight symptoms all day long and don't black out. You have nothing to hide behind anymore. Which means that if you're not careful in protecting yourself from triggering things, the worst can happen. I would never hurt myself or anybody else. But that doesn't mean you can just blissfully ignore this.

Pain is always there. Circulation pain, arthritic pain, chest pain. Also, just feeling paralyzed. Like you can't do anything. You want no noise. You don't want to be assaulted. You just want to protect yourself. You hear a little kid cry. Immediately you jump cut to being raped and screaming in pain. Nobody helps you. The mom helps the little kid. Does anybody help us? No. They say they care. So why didn't you do anything?

You know you're not bad. So how come nobody helped us? You don't want to get eaten alive by anger. But  the pain never goes away.

What do you do?

Fight All Day Long

You don't have a choice. You have to fight to keep some sense of being grounded. You don't want to turn into a burned out, angry monster because of your trauma history. The full reality of my history is hitting now.

Protect yourself.

Another Appointment

How's your part of the world? Another long day of fighting symptoms and to not black out from dissociating.     Had another doctor's appointment. My blood clotting factor is looking good. Despite that, constant exhaustion and pain are always there. Arthritis, circulation pain and more.

On the other hand, I'm not hiding behind destructive stuff that I used to do. Which means everything's flooding out.

No TV today. Can't handle commercials and how everything is corporate. Everybody looks the same, sounds the same and thinks they're funny when they're not. Also, they could care less what you the audience thinks.

How are you dealing with your trauma history? Here it feels like the full horror of mine is hitting me. As scary as it can be, that's a good sign.

Triggers are everywhere. You sit waiting for your appointment, and you can hear a little kid crying across the hall. Instantly you're screaming in pain as you're being raped and nobody bursts into the room to help you. If you're not careful, the slightest trigger could kill you. We have no desire to kill ourselves. But you have to keep that in mind.

Can we stop all of the pain in the world singlehandedly? No. But awareness and trying to do something is okay.

Protect yourself.

Exhaustion

Pain and constantly fighting symptoms. Tomorrow, another appointment. You have to fight back. You don't have a choice.

Protect yourself.

Exhaustion

Fighting symptoms and to not set ourselves up to dissociate. By the end of the day, we're totally wiped out.

You just want to feel safe.

Long Day

Fight symptoms all day long. Now, time to stretch out and focus on how you feel. You can't just sit back and do nothing.

Protect yourself.

Symptoms and Pain

Everything's connected. Lots of pain as you fight symptoms. If it doesn't come out in one way, it will come out in others. Autoimmune pain, rashes; lots of things can happen. We're really trying to pay attention to how we feel.

Protect yourself.

Fight symptoms all day long. Pain and exhaustion. But you can't just do nothing. Protect yourself.

Fight Symptoms

Fight all day long to not dissociate or black out. By the end of the day, you're totally wiped out. But what else can you do?

Exhaustion

Fight symptoms all day along. Exhaustion is always there. You try to pace yourself, but it never goes away. On the other hand, you can't just sit and do nothing. You have to fight back.

Stay away from triggering stuff as much as possible. Pay attention to small things. If it's a waste of time, don't kill time by doing it. Do something else.

Try to keep a balance. Protect yourself.

Fight Symptoms

Another appointment today. Now, I can hear again! The last time I had wax buildups in my ears, I was almost completely deaf for 2 weeks. So today the doctor, nurse and I talked about the effects of other things on your system (stress, diet and more). They agree that I'm on the right track to deal with all of my health problems.

We know that everything's connected. Your emotions do have an effect on your system. Undealt with stress can make you more suseptible to a wide range of  illnesses. Including cancer. There are peer reviewed studies that have proven this. So why aren't they widely publicized? Because cancer research is a multi billion dollar industry. There are lots of smart, well meaning people trying to do their best work. But why ignore something so key to overall health? Very strange.

Pay attention to how tiny things affect you. Protect yourself.

You Have to Fight Back

Fight symptoms and exhaustion. You can't just sit back and do nothing.

Protect yourself.

Don't Dissociate

More symptoms and exhaustion. Two more doctor appointments this week. In the meantime, don't put yourself in a position to dissociate and black out. You have to protect yourself. Set boundaries and be careful.

More as it happens.

Cover Your Bases

A long day of fighting symptoms. More doctor appointments coming up. In the meantime, fight really hard to not fall apart. I have no death wish. I don't want to give up and just die to escape pain. Why do those thoughts come to mind? We're not sure. But you have to protect yourself.

Time for some more tea.

Symptoms and Trying to Stay Grounded

Fight symptoms all day long. Everything's interconnected. Do your best to stay grounded. You have to fight back. You can't just sit and do nothing. Set boundaries and protect yourself as best you can.

You just have to.

War in Syria and More

This just in. Trump has decided to go to war with Syria. Of course, the Pentagon and other politicians aren't saying this is a war. Instead, it's a "military response". It's a "proportional response". It's a "counterbalance". It's also illegal under current U.S. law. The President starts a new war. Meanwhile, half the Congress is on a two week vacation. Why?

Because they don't want to be seen as weak. In Trump's mind, he is perfect 100% of the time. He can never ever been seen as weak in any way. When your approval ratings are in the low 30's, start a war. Does Trump know that China and Russia see an attack on Assad as an attack on them? No one knows.

It's hard enough to try and watch triggering stuff like this. I just turn the sound down and read the messages at the bottom of the screen. Symptoms are still there. Osteoarthritis is still there. Some days I can move relatively pain free. On bad days, I have problems standing up because it's so painful. You feel like you're going to snap in two on bad days with anger. You have to fight back to not dissociate. You can't just sit back and do nothing. You have to protect yourself. This means being constantly run down all day. By the end of the day, you can barely do anything.

But what else can you do?

The TV is on with the sound turned down. They're playing endless video loops of missiles being launched. Gas attack victims. Assad. Then, all over again. I can't deal with endless sound bites that just fill airtime.

Now Trump. The press asked about Syria, and he blew them off. Does Trump know anything about PTSD? No. This means set boundaries to protect yourself. Can you do this and be aware and care? Yes you can.

Pain is always there. But we're not a danger to anyone. We're not strange in any way. We're trying to deal with health problems as best we can. Everything's connected.

Protect yourself.

Don't Black Out

Fight symptoms all day long. Don't dissociate. Don't black out and have no idea of where you are. You have to protect yourself.

Another doctor appointment coming up Thursday.

Symptoms

Fighting symptoms and trying not to black out from dissociating. There's no break. You have to fight back.

Now, totally wiped out.

Symptoms and Pain

Don't dissociate. What's causing occasional distorted hearing? PTSD symptoms, or another medical problem? We'll hopefully find out next week when we talk to the GP.

Protect yourself.

Don't Dissociate

Fight symptoms all day long and don't dissociate. Don't set yourself up to black out and have no idea of where you are. Tomorrow more doctor appointments. We'll talk to the psychiatrist about this.

Protect yourself.

Symptoms and Don't Black Out

Fight symptoms and don't dissociate. Protect yourself and set boundaries. It's not your fault.

Symptoms and Exhaustion

Fight symptoms and exhaustion. Don't dissociate. At times you feel empty and don't know what to do. But in general terms you're following the right things.

Protect yourself.

Don't Dissociate

A long day of fighting symptoms and to not black out. Also, to face the fact that after being repeatedly raped by three psycho rapists, I had an addiction to soft core porn for a long time to help survive the pain. But it just made it worse.

Now, I have nothing to hide behind anymore. The pain is always there. But I'm doing the right things. Protect yourself.

Post Op

Sorry to be off yesterday. Had a dentist appointment to pull an infected tooth. Lots of medication and then just go home and rest. Today, the swelling has gone down a lot. But, finish off all the prescribed pain meds in the meantime.

Fight to protect yourself. Set boundaries. Do you really need to look at.listen to/watch what you know is triggering? No you don't. Instead, do something else.

It's not your fault. But despair and abandonment are always there.

Triggering Stuff is Everywhere

Protect yourself as best you can. Today is one of those high dangerous triggering stuff days. If you watch TV, turn the sound down and just look at it. No commercials today. Be careful with the I-can-singlehandedly-save-the-world-by-myself mode of thinking. Exhaustion is always there. But you have to fight back. You can't juts sit and do nothing.

Don't dissociate. Don't put yourself in a position where you black out and think that you'll escape pain, because you won't. It'll just make things worse.

You did nothing wrong. It's not your fault. But the pain never goes away.

Set Boundaries

Right now, we want peace and quiet. Too much triggering stuff on TV. Commercials on the radio? No. Too much triggering stimulus. Instead, protect yourself. Don't let your guard down and dissociate. It's kind of like thinking for  a second about having a drink again. Do you really want to go thru that pain again? No.

Protect yourself as best you can from others who say and do horrible things. Why do they do this? We don't know. But nobody forces them to say and do this. Which means that they deal with the consequences of their actions.

Pain is always there. You try the usual methods to ground yourself, and it's still there. You have to keep fighting back. You can't just sit back and do nothing. You have to protect yourself.

Lots of formerly favorite foods are violently triggering now. Sometimes going into a store is dangerous. You have to focus and try to protect yourself and others. How do I go in here and get out safely? How do I not black out and attack someone? Blackouts still happen.

Protect yourself as best you can.

Trying to Keep Some Focus

Another day of fighting symptoms and constant exhaustion. Leaving my house isn't the issue. It used to be. At times it took me almost fifteen minutes to actually walk out the door, close it, lock it and then walk away without dissociating and fighting adrenalin surges. But the symptoms are still there.

Being in confined spaces is still a problem. I get in my car and suddenly the psycho rapist is there. He tries to put he in a headlock and then cut my throat with his knife. I fight bak, break his grip and then kill him before he kills me. Now imagine fighting this all day long. Every day. In addition to everything else that's hitting you.

Pain is still there. Circulation pain, arthritic pain, body memory pain. I've never had a day completely free of pain. Completely free of symptoms. I don't know what that's like.

I don't want to dissociate. Don't set yourself up to black out and then have no idea what happened. But you can't sit back and do nothing.

Does feeling abandoned ever go away? I don't know.
I've only had two people since we got raped who actually gave us a reassuring hug and meant it when they said I'm sorry you were raped. What kind of effects does that have on somebody long term?

We're not mentally ill. We're not sick or a threat to anybody. We have health problems that we're trying to deal with as best we can.

Protect Yourself

Triggering stuff is everywhere. Screen everything and protect yourself as best you can. The exhaustion is constant along with battling the symptoms. But what else can you do?

Constant Exhaustion

Fight symptoms all day long. Don't dissociate. But exhaustion is always there. You try to pace yourself. But after ten minutes or so, you need to sit and rest. Despite that, don't dissociate.

The full reality of how much damage my trauma history has done is a constant struggle. But I know it's not our fault.

Protect yourself.

Emptiness and Exhaustion

Try to focus. Don't dissociate. Don't set yourself up to slip and black out. We can do various things in the day. But exhaustion is always there. You have to have a break from constant stimulus. Some days, no TV at all. You feel like you're five steps ahead of everybody else. So why bother to look at it?

Protect yourself.

Fighting Fatigue

More symptoms and fatigue. Don't dissociate. Don't black out. Don't drop your guard and then have no idea of where you are. You have to protect yourself. But fatigue is always there.

How do you handle your pain? Do you feel abandoned? You have to be careful so as not to attack anybody else. Pain is always there. Arthritis is at times all over. But you have to face it as best you can.

Pain and exhaustion.

Endless Pain

Fight and don't dissociate. Don't put yourself in a position where you'll slip and black out. Pain is always there. You never get a break.

Part of it also is your immune system. My diet was so poisonous for so long that I'm still dealing with detoxifying from it. Your symptoms are a reflection of the severity of your history. We did nothing wrong. But symptoms are always there.

Don't dissociate
Don't black out
Fight back
Protect yourself
Don't slip
You have to protect yourself

You just want to feel safe.

Don't Dissociate

A long day of fighting symptoms and pain. You have to protect yourself. You fight to maintain some sense of being grounded. But on bad days you feel one step away from offing yourself. You don't want to. But the thoughts are there.

We did nothing wrong. But we struggle with feeling abandoned and at times not knowing what to do. Dissociating puts enormous stress on your heart and circulation. Did a long history of violent unchecked dissociating (not by choice) severely damage my heart? It played a part.

But it's not our fault. You just want to protect your well being.

Fight to Not Black Out

Don't dissociate. Don't fall apart. You're not a threat to anybody. But exhaustion is always there.

You have to protect yourself. Set boundaries. It's not your fault. But pain is always there.

Protect yourself.

Constant Exhaustion

Burnout is always there. You try to pace yourself to protect your overall well being. But the exhaustion is always there. Don't dissociate. You have to fight back and protect yourself.

It's always there.

A Reflection of Your Trauma History

Fight symptoms all day long. Don't dissociate. Do something else so you won't drop your guard and fall apart. I'm not a danger to anybody. We're not abnormal in any way. Your symptoms are a reflection of your trauma history.

Protect yourself.

Emptiness

You try to focus and protect yourself. But lots of emptiness that you just can't shake off. On the other hand, you have to face your history and not let denial make things worse.

You did nothing wrong. You have no control over horrible people. Just protect your well being.

Face Your Trauma History

A long tough day of trying to face our trauma history without being injured by it. Horribly severe CDD (complex dissociative disorder) and psychosis every day. No escape. You know something's wrong. But nothing you do helps and nobody helps us. It's like torture every single day.

You can't give up because you'll fall apart and die. You have to fight back. It leads to a long list of problems:

chronic heart failure
alcoholism
permanent cirrhosis scarring
PTSD
psychotic symptoms that we still have
spinal arthritis
damage to your immune system genes

Nobody did anything to help us. Nobody ever asked anything. Nothing.

We don't want to die from anger. On the other hand, denial will only make things worse.

We did nothing wrong. We're not abnormal in any way. If other people want to be horrible, they have to live with the consequences of that. Not us.


We're not a danger to anyone. We're just trying to protect ourselves as best we can.

Don't Dissociate

Fight all day to not dissociate. Don't set yourself up to dissociate and black out. Protect yourself.

Constant exhaustion. But you keep going, because that's all there is to do.

Symptoms, Burnout and More

More exhaustion as you struggle with symptoms. Trauma affects you on both a cellular and genetic level. Even with staying away from salt and sugar as much as possible burnout is still there.

Do I have fibromyalgia? No. Cancer, MS or something other than what I have now? I don't think so. But you do your best to protect yourself.

Enough for today.

Burnout

Another day of battling symptoms and burnout. You always feel run down. But I am doing the right things in general to protect myself. I just have to realize that traumatic energy can affect you on a cellular and genetic level.

Constant exhaustion.

Sorry to Be Away

Sorry to be away for a few days. It's been a real struggle to not dissociate. Had a dissociative relapse and it's a struggle to know what's real and what isn't. You scream and fight to not black out. You have to fight back.

You have to protect yourself. Don't let your guard down so that you'll slip. Burnout never goes away. But you have to protect yourself.

Face Your Pain

The pain is always there. You do your best to set boundaries and to protect your well being. But the pain never goes away.

If you don't have it and let your guard down, a triggering thing could literally kill you. I have no desire to off myself. But it's important to face this head on.

Screen everything. Your health is both physical and mental. You can't just sit back and do nothing. You scream and fight to not black out.

At the end of the day, you're too wiped out to do anything. But you have to face your pain.

Protect yourself.

Balance

You try to not go to sleep being wired from watching too much TV. No late night snacks, caffeine or sugar rushes or dissociating. Despite that the nightmares still happen. There's never a set pattern to them. But at times you suddenly open your eyes and wonder. Am I dissociating? What's real and what isn't?

When was the last time I got a good night's sleep? I can't remember. Usually you try to fall asleep and then wake up every hour. Then by 3 or 4 a.m., you might get one hour of sleep. Many times no. Which means you might go for two or three days before you just collapse from exhaustion. This puts more stress on you for salt and sugar to help stimulate your system. When in fact it does just the opposite.

Is there a cure for PTSD? No there isn't. It's like having any other incurable health problem in the sense of you do your best. But the pain is always there. Triggering things are always there. Let your guard down for a second at the wrong time and some people kill themselves. Why? There's a difference between logically saying suicide is bad and wanting to instantly end pain. I would never do that. But at times though you feel like you're one step short of that.

What's the answer? One thing is to face your trauma history head on as best you can. Denial used to be a massive problem. I still have bad days with it. But now I can admit that I'm a rape survivor, and that I did nothing wrong. But the pain is always there.

Some days I just want quiet. No noise. No being bombarded with pain. No having to feel like it's my responsibility to get rid of Trump and save the world. Actually it's not. I have my avenues online to speak out. Occasionally, something else opens up in media. In the past I would almost always say yes to potential interviews. Now almost always I say no. UNLESS everything about it is positive and it could help somebody. While I'm not a nationally or internationally known name, I have worked in various parts of media (both on air and behind the scenes). So I understand how people can be manipulated for the sake of ratings. I mean, we ARE running a business here.

Why do people say and do horrible things? I'm not sure. But I do know that nobody forces them to do that. Which means they deal with the consequences of their behavior. There's a long history of horrible abuse in my "immediate" family. Someday when the parents die, if I feel confused and a sense of relief along with sadness am I bad person? I asked my psychiatrist once about this. Her response was no. There's no law that says when someone dies you must say and do certain things. Society may dictate certain behaviors. But you don't have to follow those.

How do you deal with your pain and flashbacks? Sometimes when I have moments of clarity I also feel paralyzed. I don't know what to do. Usually I just sit quietly and say I want to feel safe. I want to feel safe in my own home. I don't want to be bombarded with pain.

Protect yourself.

Face Your Trauma History

A holiday here in the States. But, cold and raining as well. Which means lots to catch up on inside. The pain is always there. Try really hard to not dissociate. Don't set yourself up to slip and then literally vanish.

You can't control what horrible people do and say. You can't save the world singlehandedly. But you can set boundaries and try to protect your well being.

You have to fight back. You can't just sit back and do nothing. You have to protect yourself.

Crippling despair still happens. Just face it as best you can and keep going.

Protect yourself.

Nobody Helped Us

Another day of fighting symptoms. We have circulation pain from heart failure. Arthritis. Cirrhosis of the liver.     Complex dissociative disorder. Some days you feel like you have some sense of balance. On others you're one step short of killing yourself.

That's one key to remember. One tiny trigger not dealt with can lead to suicide. It won't in my case. But in that moment of despair there's a difference between acting logically and acting to end pain.

Protect yourself.

Lots of Pain

Today we said time to rest. Slept in and managed to do an easy workout. Pain is still there from lots of sources. Later I'll have to make new doctor appointments. It's like exhaustion is always there, no matter what you do.

Protect your well being.

Appointments and More

Two doctors appointments and a heart test. The good news? My heart function rate (ejection/fraction rate) is holding steady at 45%. Still below normal and my endurance is still down. But also, my back and leg pain is getting better. I can start to move now and have a little less pain. Is it arthritis? Is it trauma body pain memory? I'm not sure.

Pay attention to tiny things in how you feel. In the past, you'd blow it off. Now, no.

Protect yourself.

Chronic Pain

The lower back pain is getting worse. Tomorrow I have 2 doctor appointments. So I'll ask LOTS of questions about this and other problems.

I can walk. But I have to do it slowly.
The slightest shift in weight is painful.
Easy slow stretching is painful.
Now I have pain all thru my hips and all thru my spine.

Is part of it trauma body pain flooding out? I thin it is. But is it something else as well?
I'm not sure. But whatever it is, I don't want to end up with severe pain killer addictions
again.

Hope you're well.

Trying to Focus

fight symptoms all day long. Pain and exhaustion.

Face Your History

As best you can, face your trauma history head on. UNLESS it endangers you in any way. When  we do, there's nothing to hide behind. The pain is always there. You're one step short of killing yourself. You'll never do it. But the despair is there.

You just try to stick with we're not abnormal in any way. Your symptoms are a reflection of your trauma history. We're following the right things.

Protect yourself.

Fight to Not Dissociate

The car accident happened two days ago. Nobody got hurt and now I'm driving a rental as my car gets fixed. But symptoms are still there.

Being in tight spaces is difficult. Flashbacks happen when you least expect it. Don't dissociate. No matter what.

Protect yourself as best you can.

Trying to Stay Grounded

A long day with symptoms, pain and trying to protect myself. It feels like you have nothing to hide behind. But that's a good thing.

No matter what, don't dissociate. Protect yourself.

Face Your Trauma History Head On

Another day of battling symptoms and feeling like you're on the edge of something really horrible. You won't hurt yourself or anyone else. But you have nothing to hide behind.

Ever heard of Romeo Dallaire? He was a Canadian Army Colonel who was in command off the UN contingent in Rwanda when their massacre happened. Since then, he tried to kill himself four times and was diagnosed with horribly severe PTSD. Now with treatment he's relatively stable. But the symptoms will always be there.

There is no cure for PTSD. Triggers are everywhere and can happen at any time. You many not have any desire to hurt yourself or someone else. Then, that can change in a split second.

You know you're not a monster. You know it's not your fault. But that pain will always be there.

How do you cope? Try to face it head on, unless it endangers you in some way. Like all PTSD patients, I struggle with really horrible stuff every day. I know it's not my fault. But the pain will always be there.

You don't want to hurt anybody. You just want to feel safe.

Listen to Tiny Things

Fight symptoms and don't set yourself up to dissociate and black out. We can never get any real sleep at night. This means struggling during the night and then staying in bed till we can focus and finally get into the day.

You're constantly fighting exhaustion. You're also can't sit back and do nothing. At times, you feel like you're detoxifing and can barely move.

You just want to feel safe.

Detoxifing? Or Something Else?

We're really trying hard to stay away from salt and sugar as much as possible. You can't go 100 percent organic. But you do your best.

That being said, I never get very much sleep these days. This means always feeling run down during the day. Trying to keep the diet healthy helps to a certain degree in dealing with PTSD symptoms. But they're still there.

Set boundaries and try to protect yourself. At times I have no TV days. Sometimes, just no noise. I've thought about trying to go to some retreat somewhere. What about moving to one and being able to walk on the beach or go run? Sometimes I just sit and try to focus my chi. But it's always a battle.

Protect yourself.

Protect Yourself

Fight symptoms all day long. Stay away from salt and sugar as much as possible. Pay attention to small things in how you feel. Set boundaries and if necessary, turn everything off.

I know it's not my fault. But you still feel paralyzed. Does this ever go away? No. Then again, I'm doing the right things to protect my well being.

Don't dissociate. Do something else. Protect yourself.

Fighting Symptoms

Another day of fighting symptoms. Clean up a lot on the laptop to protect yourself. How many paid trolls are online? Be proactive instead of passive in a good way.

Also, protect yourself.

Fighting for Some Stability

More of fighting symptoms and trying to not get caught in a what's-the-point-of-continuing loop of thinking. You have to protect your well being as best you can. Some days I have no TV and no noise. Just peace an quiet. I want to feel safe in my own home.

I can admit I'm a rape survivor. I know it wasn't my fault. But the symptoms are still there. By the end of the day what else can you do?

Protect yourself.

Recognize the Signs

Individually, I can't kick Trump out of the White House. But I can point out that mentally ill people do not belong in that job. Trump believes that torture works. You might say, well at least he doesn't have that ridiculous bullshit hang up about saying "enhanced interrogation techniques" instead of torture. That being said, keep these in mind:

Torture never works.
You will say and do ANYTHING to make it stop.
I know from first hand experience. I was tortured by 3 psycho pedophiles.
There is no cure for PTSD.
Some torture survivors end up having psychotic breaks because of it.
Anyone who thinks torture is good is mentally ill.

The corporate press won't say Trump is mentally ill because they're scared to death of him. If I criticize him, he'll get me fired. Even if I'm telling the truth (he's a habitual liar, racist, mentally ill and more), that doesn't matter. The tiniest criticism of him must be instantly crushed. Every person in the media is the enemy. We must destroy them at all costs.

Now, what are other world leaders saying about Trump? Are they scared? Are they laughing hysterically? What kind of psychological profile files do foreign intelligence services (MI6, Mossad, CSIS, ASIS and others) have on Trump?

I can't save the world from Trump single handedly. But I can be aware and do what I can while protecting my well being. If I didn't, how could you live with yourself?

Pay Attention to Tiny Things

Another doctor's appointment. We talked some about body memory, an how I feel that it's flooding out. Tomorrow, a physical therapist for more of the same. It feels like it's body memory and pain. But also, my awareness of that and balance is sharper. Chips (crisps to the rest of the world) and salsa every night? No thanks. Too acidic. I'm really trying to pay attention to p/h balance.

Protect yourself.