Friday, July 27, 2012

Time for Some Clarity

Not always, but at times there are some moments of clarity. I can now sit and actually focus for almost one minute without dissociating. Not the normal daydreaming type that we all do. But more like having a boombox going 24/7 that you can't turn off, no matter what you do.

Do you know how long it's taken to do that without meds? Years. Along the way you feel at times like, do I have to cure myself? We do live in a pull-yourself-up-by-your-whatever-and-get-on-with-it society. Right. Off you go. Then move on to the next thing.

Despite that, how many of the Powers that Be actually take things like PTSD seriously? Yes, vets have it and need help. However, 30% of the population has it. 3 out of ten people that you walk by every day have some form of PTSD from a variety of things.

Drive by shootings
A serious illness
Seeing someone else get shot
And others

Not always, but at times I'm in a crowded place, and want to smash everything around me. I want to go off on everyone around me. Fortunately I don't. How then do you safely get out of that situation?
Everyone around you is a threat. They want to attack you and then kill you. What's your weapon? Hyperawareness means also being aware of everything around you. I don't have to look to know that there's someone behind me, and they're coming closer. How do I protect myself? Nobody else will. I don't have a choice.

I don't have a gun in my house. I don't carry one with me, and I can't afford one anyway. Also, a survivor with PTSD and a gun? Not a good idea.

A stuck fight-or-flight mechanism is still there. It's like a barrier that you have to push thru to feel like you have some sense of relief. You fight and then just when you're going to black out, you have some temporary relief. You're too tired to move. Then, it starts all over again.

Where is this coming from? One of my multiples? My little kid? I'm not sure. I just know that I can't sit back and do nothing. If I do that, you feel like everyone who's treated you like shit just laughs at you, and pisses all over you. You don't want to give them the satisfaction.

What else do you do?

A lot of the "breaking headlines" are frankly either too horrible or insulting. We all know that trauma is out there in various forms. However, when was the last time you saw someone asked a rational question about trying to deal with it that wasn't insulting in any way? Yes, if they talk for a long time, you may have to do some editing (unless it's live). Then again, if you're a rape survivor, who wouldn't like to be treated with respect? Yes, this happened and they deserve to be heard.

Like lots of people, I have to keep in mind that I'm not the news president of _________. It's not my job to watch all of this stuff. It's also not my job to singlehandedly save the world. I can't deal with my pain and everyone else's all at once. It doesn't mean you're not aware and don't care. You have to protect yourself.

Be selective in your battles. Do you really have to post comments on every single thing that you see?
Probably not.

Hope this helps.

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