Time to just sit and write. No more Olympic hype for today. Some nice tea and maybe a CD.
Last night was really rough. Lots of anger and feeling abandoned. Does ANYBODY care? Other than one therapist in person, nobody else has ever given me a reassuring hug or any genuine supporting contact at all. What effect does that have on you? I'm not sure.
At times, there's lots of emptiness. You go through the motions. However, it's not the usual thing that we all do. There's despair and trying not to feel like everything is messed up. Just a feeling of blackness and trying not to attack people.
I still have that feeling at times that I'm about six steps ahead of everyone else. I know everything that's happening. If people would just do what I say things would be so much easier. Then again, it's not my job to save the world before dinner. Your protection comes first.
Why? Because I've had to learn the hard way that nobody else will do it for you. We live in a just-get-on-with-it society. There will always be those who winge and moan (did I just piss off 62 million Brits in one go)? I can't do anything about that. I just try to protect myself and use my intuition in a good way.
When despair is really bad it feels like pressure is beating down on you. It's almost like you can't breathe and can barely move. Then again, you have to get it out.
On really bad days, we feel stuck. You turn everything off, and then what?
It still feels like all of the backed up trauma that comes from being raped is flooding out. What else can we do?