Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Feeling Kind of Sad

A real mix today. Saved the car battery before it was totally run down. Then, went to meet my brother for lunch. Which was disappointing.

The last time we talked, we argued about money. We know that in this horrible economy, everybody's under stress. We never demanded anything from him or his wife. We politely asked if they could help us out to move and get settled in a new place. They agreed and we thanked them for it.

Then, this last conversation was frankly pretty condesending on his part. Essentially, stop wasting your time with these stupid ass dream jobs and get a f*****g job. He knows that we've been juggling lots of different things. We haven't exactly been kicking back and just making one phone call and then calling it a day.

But, in his view, he can do and say anything he damn well pleases because that's "communication". No, it's not. Being condesending is never helpful. Especially when it's a trauma survivor. However, he's made it clear that he could care less what we think. And that's first sad. And second, out of our hands. We're not responsible for what others say or do.

Which makes us think of several things. He doesn't know about my multiples and little kid. Frankly, after today what's the point of mentioning it? Also, why should we even bother talking about any of this to you? If it was your wife who got raped, would you just say sorry, honey. But get it together and go cook dinner? If you cared at all about her, hopefully not.

So why can you do this to others?

We feel kind of sad. But also, we feel good in the sense of being able to say, that's out of our hands. It's just another example of this stupid taboo that guy survivors have to deal with every day.

Now, we're taking things in tiny segments. Cover all the bases. Get the new jobs to pay the bills and go back to therapy. But also, always have as many options as possible.

Disability? Not sure about that? If it's a matter of having to borrow money from the parents, under no circumstances will this be tied to endless abuse like before. It's not worth it to say, go back ten steps and be treated like crap. Absolutely not. Again, another example of not having control over what others do and say. Nobody's forced them to always say this stuff. Nobody's forced them to never apologize. Screaming at each other all the time is't "real communication". But also, all normal caring human beings can only take so much. Emotions aren't like a light switch that you just turn on and off. It doesn't work like that.

How's your day?

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