Sunday, June 20, 2010

Really Trying to Keep Our Balance(Contains Graphic Content that may be potentially triggering)

How's your weekend? Here, trying to focus and take things in tiny segments.

Anger and other symptoms are still there. Not always, but at times we feel like we're going to black out. You try to deep breathe and other stuff. But you're also feeling like you're going to black out. What happens then?

The anger and frustration of feeling like the whole world could care less is still there. There's still no new therapist here. Almost all of the support here is geared towards battered women. If you're a guy survivor, people literally say you freak us out. We don't know what to do with you.

How are you supposed to answer that?

We try to stay away from all triggers as much as possible. The immediate "family" we only talk to if needed. Because frankly it's a really unfair standard. On the one hand you hear, we love you. We care about you. But then the indirect message is don't ever f*****g talk about this stupid ass guy survivor s**t. F**k that. I have no time for that. You fix it.

How do you reply to that?

One way is to say you can't have it both ways. Yes, it would make life easier to not have to deal with your worst f*****g nightmare in your face. But you can't say you're concerned and then say f**k off at the same time. You don't treat people like that.

We're not responsible for what others do and say. Also, we don't want to spend all of our time dissociating and being burned out, cynical and pissed off. We choose to go in a positive direction.

Why? Because it hurts too f*****g much to do anything else. We don't want to waste our life on something that will never happen.

How are your multiples and little kid? How do you reassure them when you need to?

On the bad days, there's lots of anger and frustration. Our fight-or-flight mechanism is still stuck. At times we still think about killing ourselves. But we won't do it.

If we have to, we walk out of a triggering situation. We politely ask the other person(s) to please stop doing that. If they don't stop by the third time, we get up and leave. Why? Because we deserve better. If they won't stop (for whatever reason), that's their problem.

You have to protect yourself.

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