I'm Not Sure How to Feel

The past couple of weeks have been really rough. Two car accidents (both not my fault). Struggling with symptoms. Then, my grandmother passed away. Now, it's struggling with symptoms as you try in some way to show support.

I'm not sure how to feel. The grandfather (now dead) was a notorious abusive alocholic pedophile. We still have nightmares of him sneaking into the room and raping us. You're terrified to move as you scream and fight to not black out or die.

Nobody will touch us in a reassuring way. Nobody will say we're sorry that you were raped. Nobody will say we know this funeral is a horribly triggering situation for you.

No support at all.

What would you do?

A Lot to Deal With

Did I mention this already? Found out that my car is totalled. Now, waiting to hear from the
claims adjustor about my settlement offer. Also, lots of shopping for a used car and other stuff. I'm trying really hard to keep my balance as best I can. How do we get thru the next five seconds?

Dissociating is still tough to deal with. Is the other person a threat, or not? Will the other people walking by me in the store pull out a weapon and try to kill us? Hyperawareness is still there. We still don't feel safe around some people that we know.

Body memory and pain is still there. Do you still have to fight off endless lucid dreams? We scream at times and aren't sure. Will we black out? If we do, what happens then?

How do we get thru the next five seconds?

A Lot to Do

Covered a lot of stuff today (everything from re-checking the scene of the hit-and run to more calls to the agent). Still no word from the body shop.

Take things in tiny splits. How do we get thru the next five seconds? Do you feel like you have to screen everything? We do. At times, it feels like non-stop torture. On the other hand, you have to fight back. Do that and keep up with everything else.

How do we get thru the next five seconds?

Why Is This Happening?

One minute, you feel like there's some sense of focus. Then, you get hit in a hit-and-run accident. As far as I know, I'm ok. I have six witnesses who helped me with the description of the nutcase that tried to run the light. Now, in the next few days I find out how much the repairs will be.

Why is this happening to me? Two accidents in the past 2-3 weeks. Getting bombarded every day with dissociating and other symptoms. Feeling at times like there's NEVER a break. What's next?

Quite a Mix

Quite a mix today. Sunny weather, dissociating, fighting to not black out. Trying to stay off sugar so it won't make things worse. Also, struggling to deal with how severe trauma has been.

Does it feel to you at times like there's always something that you haven't dealt with? One minute, you feel like there's some focus. The next, you're this close to offing yourself. You won't. But that despair is there. You have to fight really hard to not give in.

You scream and try to have literally one minute with no dissociating. Yet, in my case it feels like the pain never ends. What do you have to do?

We still have problems with a stuck fight-or-flight mechanism. It's like you scream to get anger out, and almost pass out. Then, it starts all over again. You can't just sit back and do nothing. What then do you do?

I'm not sure.

All At Once

It is Friday. It's also time to just stay in tonight and pay attention to how you feel.

There's lots of anger and frustration. Fight to not dissociate or lose sensation in different parts of your body. Fight the disfunctional "you're _______" loop that you feel like you've been subjected to for a really long time. If you sit back and do nothing, you feel like an empty shell.

Part of it is trying to pay attention to your mind/body connection. Does this mean that horrible trauma scars you for life? No. However, it has to come out and can in everything from pneumonia to heart disease and other ways as well.

You don't want to hurt yourself or anyone else. Yet, you feel like you have to always be on guard.

Do you ever have a day when it doesn't feel like EVERYTHING is triggering? The slightest thing can make you feel like you're losing sensation in different parts of your body. You have to fight to not black out or literally just roll over and die.

There's sadness and emptiness. Somebody's telling you to just shut up and go away. You literally walk out with almost nothing. They shut the door behind you. Then, where do you go? Nobody will listen to you or help you.

On the other hand, you refuse to give them the satisfaction.

That's enough for one night.

Trying to Stay Grounded (Contains graphic content. Read at your own risk)

A mix of a lot of stuff today. Met up with a friend for lunch, and it helped to get some support for dealing with symptoms. She can only take so much, which means respecting someone else's boundaries. Then, more job leads and maybe some more interviews in the next week.

As for symptoms, fear is still there. I have to check a room to make sure it's safe to go into. You have to check the bed when you go to sleep to make sure the psycho rapist isn't there. You have lucid dreams where you have to fight your way out of being pinned down before you get raped and then your throat gets cut. Everything feels real. The fear of not being heard or helped. Does anyone care?

As you go thru this and everything else you have to do, by the end of the day you can barely move. Then, you have to do it the next day. Wake up and try to not dissociate. Fight to focus. Then you need time to meditate and focus your chi so you don't feel half asleep all day long. It's like you have to almost shock yourself awake.

Does this happen to you?

Horrible body memory is there. Anal pain, in your shoulders, bruises appear and won't go away. Dissociating at times feels like a really bad migrane. Will you black out? What happens then?

You have to protect yourself from triggering stuff that happens everywhere. While you don't want to attack anyone, you have to be careful. If not, you could end up dissociating for literally weeks before you have some sense of balace again. This says how severe trauma has been in my case.

You try to stay focused. This isn't "abnormal" in any way. You don't know where you are. It's not strange.

You don't want to feel cheated or to have a death wish. But the fear is there. What do you do?

Leads and More

Lots of bases to cover and place to go. Dissociating is still tough to deal with. You wake up and have to focus your energy to try and feel centered. Even after you do that, you still have to fight it all day long. You don't know where you are. You try to hold onto solid things and you still have to fight to not black out.

There's fear at night as well. Nightmares still happen. Lucid dreams happen during the day (many times at the worst times). You scream and fight to not disappear. Will anybody care if you do?

We don't want to be burned out and angry forever. On the other hand, if trauma doesn't come out one way, it will come out in others.

Back to the job leads.

Let's Review the Rules

Kind of overcast today as we went to another potential job interview. No interview, but the usual "if we like you, we'll call you. Don't call us". Then, catching up on writing and other stuff at home. Also, some time to just turn off and just listen to quiet.

Time now to explain a key idea here. At times, the Powers that Be do really stupid stuff that forces us to break our "no triggering current event content" here to make a point. Since we started this blog, the ONLY time we'll post current event stuff is IF it helps to explain something about some type of trauma. If not, we won't do it. If you want to read progressive political content, please go check one of the millions of progressive blogs.

The rules here are very basic:

If we post potentially triggering content, we always try to put a disclaimer. It's only fair.
No progressive political content UNLESS it helps to explain something about trauma.
No Google Ad Sense ads.
No online store pushing everything from T-shirts to coffee mugs and anything else we can unload on you.
No corporate partners, and for this reason. In every case that we've seen this done, that means having to deal with boardroom decisions that many times do anything but help the overall purpose of this blog. Why then would you willingly put yourself in that position? Sorry, but people's trauma and healing is not a corporate profit center.
If you link to us, please NO SPAM links (Russian mafia, buy gold now, Ron Paul in 2012, etc.).
If you're a trauma therapist and you help people with PTSD, great. However, please. No trolling here for new business. It's unethical and you could lose your license if you get caught. Then again, you already knew that.

Everything here is for free. In return, please only link and post us where you believe it will help and not hurt anyone's overall healing.

Graphic Pain (Contains potentially extremely triggering content. Read at your own risk)

It's a mixed bag today. It's Friday. Got a job call back, but it's for a bi-lingual position (and I'm not). More possible interviews tomorrow. Still no sign of the personal assistant.

Also, horrible pain overall from being raped. Like lots of trauma survivors, you try to cope in different ways. In my case? Various drugs, junk food, soft core porn and for a short time, hookers. However, none of that helped. Finally, you hit rock bottom and say, this isn't working. Now, the good news is that I don't do any of that anymore. Occasionally a nice snack. But nothing like I used to.

This means that the healthier you are, the more trauma will come out. At times you literally feel paralyzed. You don't want to kill yourself, because you won't give them the satisfaction. On the other hand, it literally almost hurts to get up and walk across the room. There's nothing physically wrong. Yet, it just won't go away.

Last night had another nightmare where one of the psycho pedophiles snuck up on me in the middle of the night to rape me. We screamed and for a second were paralyzed with fear. Fortunately we woke up in time.

Now, what's next?

Fighting Against Abuse (Contains Potentially Triggering Content. Read at your own risk)

Today, catching up on a lot of stuff at home. More job interviews to come in the next few days. At times, there's also some moments of clarity. It's like you can't focus for a really long time. Then suddenly you can, and you don't know what to do.

Every day since I was raped by two psycho pedophiles, I've been fighting to not fall apart. Imagine every day it's endless abuse and what feels like torture. Nobody will listen and nobody will help. It's not you fault. Yet, for whatever reasons, some actually blame you and get pissed off that you're spoiling their day by having the nerve to bring up being raped.

While everybody's different in their stories and healing, we've all had lots of horrible abuse to deal with. To be clear, what is abuse?

Verbal
physical
sexual
emotional
financial

If every single day you feel like everywhere you turn the world is telling you you're _________, what do you do to not fall apart as you struggle to deal with trauma? On top of the trauma of being raped, you're being told don't expect any sympathy from me. You fix it, not me. Weakness isn't tolerated.

How does a normal human being who didn't ask to be traumatized respond to that?

You don't want to hurt yourself.
You don't want to hurt anybody else.
You don't want to kill them and do life for murder.

How do you cope with this? In my case, there's sadness, anger and emptiness. At times, you just sit and feel paralyzed. You go thru the motions and feel like there's nothing there.

I can't afford to go to a live therapist right now. Instead, when necessay I use a crisis line for help. In addition, if the next job means moving (how hard can it be?) and getting help is part of the deal that's okay overall, why not? We'll see as we go.

Today, only podcasts and tapes. Everything else is way too triggering.

It Has to Come Out

It's a very triggering kind of day. Everything has to be screened. Listen to online radio for maybe 10 seconds at a stretch. Then, turn it down or just off and do something else. You can't read that. You can't watch this. What do you do?

Maybe the first is to trust your intuition. This won't help. I can't eat some of my old favorite foods because they're too depressing and make symptoms worse. At times, you don't know where you are. You have to check a room to make sure it's safe to be there. You check your car to make sure no one's hiding in the back. Go to a crowded store, and have an escape plan.

The pressure at times builds up, and you scream and fight to not black out.

It's not "abnormal". It's complex dissociative disorder and Rape Survivor Syndrome.

Fight to Not Dissociate (Contains potentially triggering content. Read at your own risk)

Lots of bases to cover today. Also, struggling not to dissociate.

I keep reminding myself, I have complex dissociative disorder and Rape Survivor Syndrome. It's not my fault. I'm not psycotic or "abnormal" in any way. However, at times I don't know where I am. I feel like I'm dissolving or turning into someone else. It's like you're losing the essense of what makes you unqiue.

Lucid dreams still happen. The latest one is where the psycho pedophile tries to grab you from behind, rape you and cut your throat because he gets off on it. You have to fight back stab him to break free and then kill him. Nobody will help you. If you don't fight back, you'll literally fall apart.

This happens about 20 or 30 times a day. Deal with that AND everything else you have to do.

On bad days, you have to check the room you're in to make sure it's safe. Is anyone else in the car that could be a threat? If you're at an intersection, is the other person going to attack you? What's your weapon? In a crowded store, how do you get out safely without hurting either yourself or anyone else?

We just want to have some sense of balance. Despite that, right now it's really exhausting to fight thru all of this.

A Hectic Weekend

How's your weekend? Yesterday, it was one thing after another. Job interview, see a famous person shopping in the same store you're in. Then, getting rear ended twice on the way home (their fault, not mine). Today, staying home for a while and catching up on a lot.

We're trying really hard not to end up bitter and cynical forever. You protect yourself and set boundaries where you need to. However, the despair and emptiness is still there. It's a sunny day, and you feel miserable.

On the other hand, you have to get it out in the most non-threatening way possible. It's tough when at times you feel like many people just don't want you around. Some try to be polite. But they really just want you to go away. They don't show any comprehension of what you're dealing with. Or, any apparent concern.

You can't make someone understand. Does that also mean that you don't deserve basic human respect?

How Hot Is It in Your Neighborhood?

Sunny today with a high of 110F. Fortunately, inside we have lots of ice tea, ice and chips and salsa. Hopefully we won't melt.

In the meantime, we still have to fight to scream and get anger out. Our stuck fight-or-flight mechanism is still a problem. It's like you almost black out, but you can't because if you do you'll disappear. Then, will you come back? Will one of my multiples lash out and then you have no idea of what they did or said?

Trying not to dissociate is extremely painful. It feels like depression and pressure that never goes away. Will you have a heart attack? Will you just snap and fall apart? Focusing at times takes an enormous amount of energy. How then do you cope with everything else you have to do?

I'm just trying to keep protection and balance in mind.

Do You Trust Everything?

Another rough night with lots of nghtmares. What do you do when you wake up at 3 a.m. and can't go back to sleep. Turn on the radio and TV to have stimulus to keep you from dissociating.

Now, another interview tomorrow and other leads to cover as well. We're fighting depression as well. Some of your formerly favorite foods and other things just feel empty. Just try to keep your balance as best you can.

As for setting boundaries, continue to protect yourself as much as possible. Unless you have to deal with something, ask why am I doing this? What if you do something else? Is it worth it to possible dissociate for hours? Or, go the other way and keep some sense of balance?

Many survivors have the feeling of being steps ahead. If you would just listen to me and do what I say, this would be SO much easier. It's great to be aware and care. That being said, it's not your job to save the world. Also, to take on everyone else's trauma. It's too much.

Use your intuition. Do your homework and work off of actual facts. Not what someone else tells you is a "fact".

Coping Ideas

A really rough day on Tuesday. Accidentally too much sugar which led to almost suicidal thoughts. We would never do that, or hurt somebody else. Having said that, it's important to actually admit that those thoughts are there (instead of denying them).

Now, covering lots of job leads and getting ready for another interview on Friday. There's still despair and fighting dissociating. At times it's extremely painful and hard to focus. There's also body pain all over. It feels like somebody's trying to beat you down EVERY SINGLE DAY. With no breaks.

How do you cope with that?

Tip for the day to cope with dissociating. Try checking out the National Debt Clock site. The idea is to focus on something tangible to distract you and get out of the dissociating loop. The main page has about 50 different catagories that are constantly being updated. The perfect video streams to keep you occupied.

Back to the job leads.

Despair, Protection, and Doing the Right Thing (contains progressive political content to make important points)

Staying in tonight and trying to focus while emptiness is still there. We have to multitask, but we're trying to screen stuff as we go along.

We still have to fight dissociating. In the past, at times we used sexual substitutes for actual relationships. And to be honest, to escape really horrible pain that we're still dealing with. Nobody would laugh at you or treat you like crap. They'd do whatever you wanted, with no questions asked. Eventually, you reach a point where you say, no more of this. I like real relationships with real women. Not images on a screen.

This meant getting rid of a lot of triggering stuff that I should have trashed a long time ago. Like lots of other people in this economy, who doesn't need extra money? If you can make money out of it, back it up. If not, just trash it.

Another part of the despair is feeling at times like you can save the world from all the evil neocons, pedophiles and others. It's a nice idea, but you can't. Instead, protect yourself, be aware, care, and then take a small area to work on. Then, as various activists (Harry Belafonte, Paul McCartney and others) say, go out and kick butt. Doing something always beats doing nothing.

For all our US readers. Whatever you do in November, make your decision based on facts. Not what you think is a "fact". Or, what someone else expects you to obediently follow.

Just one opinion.

Coping with Pain (Contains potentially triggering content. Read at your own risk).

More emptiness, fear and frustration to deal with. It feels like severe depression that won't go away. Another part of this is trying to keep some clarity in-between horrible dissociating. Speaking of dissociating, I need some help from you. This isn't trying to intentionally trigger anybody. Instead, we have readers here from almost all 50 states and over 40 countries. Think of it as collective problem solving.

It's taken me a really long time to get to a point of being able to focus for more than 15 seconds and not dissociate. Not normal daydreaming. Instead, non-stop not feeling in control to hide horrible pain. I know it's a normal survival response. Having said that, being a normal person, imagine fighting this all day every day for years with no break. You can't sit back and do nothing. If you do, you'll literally dissolve, and nobody will care.

Now, at times it feels like there's some clarity. When there is, it's total emptiness. This tells me that for whatever reason(s), I never totally faced the total horror of what happened. Also, feeling abandoned. You literally feel like you can't trust anybody. Almost every times you see a little kid, at first you think they're okay. Then, what if they're not? What if the parent(s) are pedophiles?

How do you save every little kid from psycho pedophiles? Especially when nobody saved you?

You feel empty and paralyzed. You wake up in the morning, and everything feels black. You try and focus to feel somewhat normal. Despite that, you still feel empty. We won't go back on medications, because that only made things worse.

Now, what helps you to cope? You don't want to hurt either yourself or anyone else. On really bad days you just sit and try to focus so you don't snap in a crowded place.

If you have any ideas, please post. You don't have to do anything. All I'm doing is talking honestly about what it's like to be a trauma survivor. We all have different stories and rates of healing. Also, we all have fear.

At times, I'm scared. Will I always have this?

How to Screen Everything

Enjoying your holiday weekend? No TV today. After this, time for a nice lunch.

First, the pressure and emptiness are still there. We just try to keep in mind that it's trauma coming out. It's not abnormal. It's not an imminent nervous breakdown. However, that still doesn't make it less scary at times as you try to focus.

As for the triggering stuff that's everywhere you look, our suggestion is screen everything. Do you really need to look at this? Unless your boss says yes, ask why. Is this really necessary? Or, is this going to cause endless dissociating and other problems. Do you really need to dissociate for two weeks after trying to deal with some of this? That's happened to us.

Some other ideas:

You can't make others understand about trauma.

You're not responsible for what others do and say.

You have to protect yourself, because nobody else will do it for you.

Unless you're a CEO or a doctor, do you really need to be available 24/7?

Do you feel like you can trust anyone?

How do you keep your trauma symptoms in check?

Is PTSD a mental illness? Or, an emotional/physical problem?

It's taken us a really long time to get to the point of feeling like we can actually get anger out without blacking out (because of a stuck fight-or-flight mechanism). Which means that's good. But it's also sad and frustrating all at the same time.

Have a fun day.

Can You Trust Anyone?

Just staying home right now, and time for some quiet. No power rotation tunes on the boom box. No 24/7 college football. Just quiet.

A rough night last night. We're having trouble focusing at times. It's like you don't know where you are. You look at and hold onto solid things around you in the space you're in. Sometimes though, that doesn't work.

At other times, you feel like pressure is closing in from all sides. You can barely move. It's not because you worked out too hard or did something else to pull or strain something. It feels like you can't breathe. You try to not black out and lose feeling in different parts of your body. Again, sometimes it works and sometimes no.

More nightmares. Lately it's been about abandonment. Everywhere you turn, nobody can be bothered to listen. The message you get from everywhere is you fix it. It's your fault. Weakness isn't tolerated.

How many times have you heard this?

You don't want to feel cheated. You don't want to be angry and burned out. However, it's hard not to when you feel like nobody cares. It's like someone gives you one bag to put your stuff in. They push you out the front door and say, never come back.

How does anyone deal with that? Which direction do you do in? Will anyone care there? Or, will you end up sleeping in some box in an alley while it's raining and feels like it's -10F?

I've been homeless twice. I've had to lie to be able to find a temporary apt. and not get deported. (I'll keep this vague so Homeland Security or Immigration won't come and get me. Even though I am a citizen). I've been laughed at and treated like dirt by everyone from a  local doctor to an FBI "trauma specialist".

Do I have to cure myself of something I didn't ask for because of something that happened to me that I also didn't ask for?

Everyone I trust is saying the same thing. This is horrible but not "abnormal" in any way.

It's a mix. Anger, frustration, abandonment, and wondering can I trust literally anyone?

Can YOU trust anyone?