There are some moments of clarity. Then, you focus so you won't scream, attack anyone or black out. This isn't abnormal in any way. This is a normal survival/healing response to a long history of violent abuse.
You go to sleep at night, or at least you try to. Many times, you end up fighting to not snap and fall apart because of flashbacks or body pain. You have to screen everything because at times you feel like you're being bombarded with hypocracy. Can you trust anybody? Is everybody lying?
We're just trying to keep a sense of balance. Not perfection, but balance. But we still have paralyzing fear.