Saturday, November 23, 2013

A Mix

Staying in tonight, and trying to stay warm. Lots of herbal tea and late night snacks to help. If you time them right, they can. If you eat too late, then your risk nightmares.

What about trauma survivors who deal with a wide range of symptoms and emotions? Are some more susceptible to others when their systems are effected by chemicals and other stuff in their diet? I think they are. At least I know that I am.

One minute, we feel like there's some sense of focus. Then, you fight to not scream and black out. Will one of my multiples lash out and attack somebody, and I won't know it? How do you deal with that? In my case, I've had all four major type of dissociative blackouts:

You lose you sense of hearing. Everything sounds garbled.
You lose track of time. Usually this means that one or more of your multiples take over. Then, you're left standing there with no idea of what happened.
You're driving, and then suddenly see that you're about 100 miles past where you wanted to be.

It's been a while since my system shorted out, and then you have no idea of where you are. However, at times it feels like it might happen.

What do you do then?

Our intuition is feeling pretty sharp right now. This means that you feel like you're seeing all of the hypocrisy in the world. You're not the ONLY one who sees it. But it feels like you are.

How do you deal with that? Do you scream and smash stuff against the wall? Do you feel like you're getting bombarded with all of the pain in the world from everyone else? How do you protect yourself?

Do you have nightmare and body pain? Do you feel like you're going to snap? After fighting this all day long, we can barely move. Go back on meds? No thanks. They actually made symptoms worse, because they were like a band aid.

These days, we're fighting to not dissociate at least a hundred times a day. In the most positive way we can, we're trying to say don't do it. Go the other way, and see what happens. This means spending lots of time walking around to make sure that you're safe. You still have to fight off the psycho rapist in flashbacks. You stab him with your knife in a vulnerable spot so he'll break his grip. Then yous stab him again, break the grip and then slam him against the wall, and then stab and kill him before he kills you.

It doesn't matter that it's only a lucid dream. You HAVE  to protect yourself. If you don't, you fall apart. Just going with your feelings doesn't work. Do you want to fall apart, or protect your well being?

While we can't make other horrible people get it about trauma, we WILL protect ourselves. Nobody else will do it.

1 comment:

JJ PishPosh said...

Protection seems to help me and hurt me at the same time. I seem to protect myself from the people who are trying so hard to help me. I read your blog and I think maybe I am not the only one.