A Holiday Lead In

An early Happy Thanksgiving. Also, fighting hard to not dissociate and not black out. We're averaging about 3 hours of sleep a night.

We're not crazy, insane, sick, psychotic, or a danger to ourselves or anybody else. Don't dissociate. Do something else.

A Mix

Staying in tonight, and trying to stay warm. Lots of herbal tea and late night snacks to help. If you time them right, they can. If you eat too late, then your risk nightmares.

What about trauma survivors who deal with a wide range of symptoms and emotions? Are some more susceptible to others when their systems are effected by chemicals and other stuff in their diet? I think they are. At least I know that I am.

One minute, we feel like there's some sense of focus. Then, you fight to not scream and black out. Will one of my multiples lash out and attack somebody, and I won't know it? How do you deal with that? In my case, I've had all four major type of dissociative blackouts:

You lose you sense of hearing. Everything sounds garbled.
You lose track of time. Usually this means that one or more of your multiples take over. Then, you're left standing there with no idea of what happened.
You're driving, and then suddenly see that you're about 100 miles past where you wanted to be.

It's been a while since my system shorted out, and then you have no idea of where you are. However, at times it feels like it might happen.

What do you do then?

Our intuition is feeling pretty sharp right now. This means that you feel like you're seeing all of the hypocrisy in the world. You're not the ONLY one who sees it. But it feels like you are.

How do you deal with that? Do you scream and smash stuff against the wall? Do you feel like you're getting bombarded with all of the pain in the world from everyone else? How do you protect yourself?

Do you have nightmare and body pain? Do you feel like you're going to snap? After fighting this all day long, we can barely move. Go back on meds? No thanks. They actually made symptoms worse, because they were like a band aid.

These days, we're fighting to not dissociate at least a hundred times a day. In the most positive way we can, we're trying to say don't do it. Go the other way, and see what happens. This means spending lots of time walking around to make sure that you're safe. You still have to fight off the psycho rapist in flashbacks. You stab him with your knife in a vulnerable spot so he'll break his grip. Then yous stab him again, break the grip and then slam him against the wall, and then stab and kill him before he kills you.

It doesn't matter that it's only a lucid dream. You HAVE  to protect yourself. If you don't, you fall apart. Just going with your feelings doesn't work. Do you want to fall apart, or protect your well being?

While we can't make other horrible people get it about trauma, we WILL protect ourselves. Nobody else will do it.

Anger, Sadness and Feeling Abandoned

There are some moments of clarity. Then, you focus so you won't scream, attack anyone or black out. This isn't abnormal in any way. This is a normal survival/healing response to a long history of violent abuse.

You go to sleep at night, or at least you try to. Many times, you end up fighting to not snap and fall apart because of flashbacks  or body pain. You have to screen everything because at times you feel like you're being bombarded with hypocracy. Can you trust anybody? Is everybody lying?

We're just trying to keep a sense of balance. Not perfection, but balance. But we still have paralyzing fear.

Don't Get Eaten Alive By Anger and More

We all have our good and evil sides. However, when you feel like you have to suppress your anger to survive and not get abused, how do you do that? We did that for a long time to literally survive. Now, we have bad days where our evil side is screaming all kinds of horrible stuff. We don't act on it out loud. But it's still there.

Lately, there have been more nightmares, dissociating, pain and adrenalin surges. It takes about five minuets a day to put my shoes on due to adrenalin surges. If you don't concentrate, it feels like I don't have sensation in different parts of my body.

How do you cope with that? It's not your fault. You did nothing wrong. Yet it feels like the world wants nothing to do with you.

I'm not trying to torture myself or be a professional patient. Instead, face the full reality of your trauma history in the most non-threatening way you can. Protect your well being at all costs.

Can you screen everything? No you can't. You can however try to protect yourself. Don't take everything as being second nature. Do I really have to deal with this, or not? What does your intuition say? I'm not always right. But I do okay.

Do you feel like you're the only one who sees all the hypocracy in the world? I know I'm not. On the other hand, I do hear that a lot from other survivors.

Just cove your bases and say, we're not insane. These is a survival and healing mechanism from a log history of horrible abuse. Which isn't my fault.

Keeping Some Sense of Control

The longer you stay clean, the more backed up trauma comes out. For the past few days, it's either nightmares or now adrenalin surges. You try to focus and keep some smooth chi flow in your body. However, at times you don't have any feeling in different parts of your body. Right now it takes me about three minutes to put my shoes on. Why? Because I have to focus really hard to keep some sense of focus and sensation in them.

What are all of the reasons for this happening? We're no sure. Having said that, we know we're on the right track in our holistic healing. Almost 6 months now with no caffeine. Maybe the adrenalin surges happen because of stimulant withdrawl? Not sure.

You fight to not black out from dissociating. Anger is also tough to not give into. What keep sme from attacking everybody who gets in my way? Aside form jail time, also not wanting to sink down to someone else's disfunctional level.

It's all connected.

Paying Attention to Our Balance

Another night of almost no sleep. Had more nightmares where you want to scream, but you can't for about ten seconds. We almost called a crisis line because we thought, are we insane? I'm not psycotic or a danger to anybody. So why is this happening?

It's happening because it's backed up traumatic energy that hasn't been dealt with. It has to come out, and as long as your system is healthy it will. That still doesn't take away the terror.

Stat away from chemicals as much as possible. Be nice to yourself. Set boundaries where necessary. Another one is to block and delete when needed online. It's okay to not be on call to everyone 24/7. Nobody's paying me to do that. Which means it's okay to say no.

Some tea and then an early night in.

How Your Balance Today?

While the laptop at home recharges, we're working online on someone else's desktop. If all else fails, work off the I-phone. Overkill? You be the judge.

We're really trying to pay attention to how things affect you. Don't assume that everything is second nature, and that's okay. Instead, ask do I really need to do this? Does this make me feel good, or run down?

We didn't do that for a long time. A lot was a vicious cycle to escape pain. Maybe that's one of the hardest parts of our healing. For a long time, lots of destructive dissociating stuff was normal. Now, don't do it.

Does this mean that one or maybe more of my multiples are lashing out because of this change? We're not sure. However, the pain is there. Also, seeing lots of hypocracy everywhere we look.

Are we the only ones who see this? No. At times though, it feels like it.

We just want a sense of balance. No death wish. No desire to hurt either ourselves or anyone else.

What do we do now?

Struggling with Addictions and More

Another day with fighting dissociating and trying to keep some sense of balance. Do you struggle with lots of addictions? Whether you do or not, keep in mind the reasons why people have them.

Is it because you're genetically pre-disposed? Is that were true, every single person in a group would be affected.

People have addictions to escape pain. However, your first thought that it will let you escape pain is wrong. It only makes things worse.

We have about five or six different addictions, in addition to PTSD symptoms. Then again, it's not our fault. As long as we stay as generally as we can, we'll be okay. It's not our fault.

How Do You Deal With It?

As you heal from your trauma history, how do you deal with PTSD symptoms? We feel like all of the pain from fighting a long history of abuse is coming out. We try not to torture ourselves, and to face this head on as best we can.

We're talking about a long history of abuse. Rampant alcoholism. A severe junk food habit. Several anit depressant addictions. Severe illnesses ranging from pneumonia to bronchitis and heart disease.

Despite all of that, we're still here. Trying to keep a sense of balance. Not perfectionism, but balanceu

Lots of Emptiness and Pain

There are moments of clarity. Also, there's ots of pain.It feels like all the backed up pain from being a rapre survivor is flooding out. You don't want to hurt yourself or anyone else. Go thru the motions, and the pain is still there.

However, it's not our fault. We did nothing wrong.We stretch out and try to pay attention to how we feel. But the pain and dissociating are still there.

What's Real and What Isn't

Another day of trying to not dissociate and keep some sense of focus. At times, you don't know what's real and what isn't. This means thoroughly checking out the area to make sure that you're safe. Because what else can you do?

We're just trying to basically stay as healthy as we can. The nightmares and sick and twisted lucid dreams still happen as well. On the other hand, none of it is abnormal. It's all part of healing from a long history of untreated severe abuse.

How to Be Heard in a Good Way (Contains potentially triggering content. Read at your own risk)

Just when you think you're safe, a cold front hits. Then again, at least there's no snow. Snow's only allowed if you're in a Swiss chalet and somebody else is shoveling it.

Symptoms are still there. A long day of fighting to not dissociate. Also, despair and a feeling of abandonment. Do you have times where you're trying to get support from someone who says they want to be supportive? Then, they essentially say shut the f**k up and go away?

How do you deal with that? You didn't ask to be a trauma survivor and have sick and horrible flashbacks and other problems. You're not weird, a freak, a pedophile or any of that other garbage.

But you still get the same reaction. What do you do then?

Keep in mind that it's not your fault. If other horrible people can't get that, that's their problem. You're doing everything you can to protect your well being. Not perfection, but balance. If you feel sad or abandoned, reassure yourself, your multiples and your little kid that you're telling the truth. That's all that matters.

Time for some more tea.

Use the Space Around You

Covering lots of bases today with job hunting and dealing with symptoms. How to not dissociate? One way is to use the space that you're in in a creative way. Hold onto solid things. Literally reach out in front of you and say, no one's there. The psycho pedophile isn't there. The hot babe who will do anything I say at any time and not laugh at me because I'm a rape survivor.

I'm safe and in my home. At times I have to search every room to make sure that I am. Then again, that's normal considering my abuse history.

What helps you?

How to Not Dissociate

It's been a rough past four days. Lots of violent dissociating, and I almost felt like I had another nervous breakdown. Then Sunday, just chill. Turn everything off, and pay attention to how you feel.

Last night, almost no sleep.It feels like all of our backed up traumatic energy is flooding out. We go out at times and scream. We want to punch anyone who gets in our way. Luckily, I've never given in to that and done jail time for assault. However, the anger, fear and feeling abandoned are still there.

What do we do now?

Screen Everything

The new software and upgrades seem to be working on my new laptop. Am I as powerful as the NSA? Not yet. But these things take time.

As for other things, dissociating continues to be one of the hardest symptoms to deal with. It feels at times like it's slightly easier to fight back than before to maintain some sense of balance. On the other hand, you feel sad because of everything you've had to go through to reach this point.

Just keep in mind it's not our fault.

Symptoms and Balance

How's your overall well being? Do you still have nightmares and other pain? At times, nightmares seem to get worse and worse. All of the mental health sources that we trust say the same thing. It's unprocessed backed up trauma that's flooding out.

We still have to screen all content. Our intuiton isn't aways right. But our percentage is pretty good. Trust it and see what happens.

Don't dissociate and see how you feel.

Helping Your Healing

Since there are millions of trauma survivors, this means that each one has their own history and story. Everyone heals at different rates and uses their own approach to try and do just that.

In our case, we still struggle with nightmares, body pain and other symptoms. Meditation helps to a certain extent. But the symptoms are still there.

Do you ask questions like why didn't I do more to stop the psycho rapist(s)? How come I didn't fight back, instead of freezing? How come I didn't grab the closest weapon and kill all three of them? Like many parts of healing, you ask the question: do these thoughts ever go away?

It's not a matter of being a professional patient. It's a matter of trying to face the full reality/terror of your trauma history in the most non-threatening way you can. As we do that, there are moments of feeling abandoned. Is there one other person that doesn't believe that we're their worst nightmare? Sometimes, you're not sure.

You have to fight hard to not dissociate. To not give in and say just kill yourself because nobody gives a f**k anyway. We fight really hard to maintain our well being. Usually at the end of the day, we're totally wiped out. On the other hand, we're not on medication, which is a positive step.

Where's my herbal tea?

Trying for a Balance

Yes, it really has been a long week. More applications, despair at times and trying to not dissociate. In our case, it's like drinking again. Do we really want to do that? No. Instead, try to do something positive.

Nightmares still happen, but there's no common theme to them. At other times, it feels like all of your fears come out all at once. You still feel abandoned and have to remind yourself, it's not our fault. If others want to say and do horrible tuff, that's their problem to deal with.

There are some moments of clarity. Then, feeling abandoned. What do we do now? One key is by having good energy flow thru your body, it seems to help in dealing with adrenalin surges and other symptoms. They don't all disappear. Instead, you have a sense of everything being connected, which it is.

Since I was raped by three psycho pedophiles, I've never had one day free of symptoms. I don't know what's it like to wake up and not have to fight all day long to keep some sense of balance. On the other hand, I know that this is a perfectly normal coping mechanism in healing.

Have a nice day.