Symptoms are Hitting Hard

NOTE: This blog contains explicit content and "triggers" that can be potentially harmful to trauma survivors. Some examples:

sights
sounds
key words or phrases
music samples
sudden noise
and more

If these bother you, stop reading now. Otherwise, keep going and thanks for the support.

Went to therapy today and A LOT of flashbacks hit hard. You don't know where you are or what to do. Everything takes A HUGE AMOUNT of energy to cope with. And on top of that, you feel like the whole world can't be bothered.

But no matter what, you always have to fight to keep some balance. Otherwise, everything falls apart. And the nightmares keep coming.

A Rough Day Back

NOTE: This blog contains explicit material and occasional "triggers"(sights, sounds and more) that could be disturbing to trauma survivors. If this bothers you, stop reading. Otherwise, keep going and thanks for the support.

Symptoms are really rough today. In some ways just as bad as a year ago. Also, sometimes I feel like I'm outside my body. I've already died and I'm looking back at my life. Is this a underlying sign of a potential suicide? I don't want to do it. But I'm not sure why this has happened.

Tomorrow it's back to therapy. And due to money problems I may have to stop for a while. We'll see what happens.

What Do We Do Now?

NOTE: This blog contains explicit content and occasional use of "triggers" (sights, sounds and more). These can be potentially harmful to trauma survivors. But they're only used to help get points across.

If these bother you, st0p reading now. Otherwise, keep going and thanks for the support.

Still into the holiday weekend. And part of the time it's going thru the motions. I know what's happening and what needs to be done. But the despair is also there.

I'd really like a break. Just one day with NO symptoms. Will that ever happen?

I Sitll Feel Like I'm Going to Short Out

NOTE: This blog contains explicit content and occasional "triggers" (sights, sounds, key words and more) that could be disturbing to trauma survivors. If these bother you, stop reading now. Otherwise, keep reading and thanks for the support.

Went to therapy today and it was more of the same. I still feel like my whole body is going to snap or just short out. Dissociating and other symptoms are stil happening. And underneath that is the fear of being this close to just dying. And then everybody who gave you s**t saying, see? I told you he's was a pathetic f**kup who couldn't do anything. And they won't have any comprehension of what they're doing.

My multiples and little kid still ask, how come people do this? I don't know. Will everybody treat us like s**t and then you can never trust anybody? I wish I knew the answer to that. But I just don't know. How could ANYBODY be that sick towards somebody else? You literally feel like every person you've had contact with doesn't give a s**t about anything but themselves. So where do you go? Can you talk to anyone and not always be suspicious? Sometimes you just fall down on the floor and cry. The rest of the world seems happy and goes on their way. And you have to stay home because the world can't be bothered with having to deal with your s**t. You were stupid enough to get raped. So f**k off and fix it.

How do you respond to that?

You Feel Like You're Going to Short Out

NOTE: This blog has explicit content and "triggers" that are only used to get key points across. Some examples:
sights
sounds
key words or phrases
colors and more

If these bother you, stop reading now. If not, keep going and please pass this URL onto anyone it might help.

Dissociating is really harsh today. Sometimes it feels like my whole body is going to short out. Or I'll black out and then wonder where am I? I'm not sure if this is just a part of healing from abuse. Or is it something else?

The frustration is still there. Nobody really wants to listen. So just go off in the corner and shut up. But I refuse to give them the satisfaction.

Dissociating is a Real Pain Today

NOTE:
This blog contains explicit content and at times "triggers":
sights
sounds
key phrases
colors
and others

They're only used to help get key points across. But if these bother you, stop reading now. Otherwise, keep going. And please pass this blog onto anyone it might help.

Dissociating is really nasty today. It's like non-stop choices. Want this fantasy? No. ok, try this one. You're trying to focus on what's really going on. But it's like walking thru a minefield. Then, adrenalin surges start too. Now what do you do?

Imagine somebody trying to beat you down every single day. It's more than the normal ups and downs of everyday life. I may not go to therapy this week. Lately it seems like all my therapist does is say yes over and over for the hour. Which makes me think, why am I here? I know I need to continue with therapy because I still have PTSD to cope with. But I refuse to have it forever.

My multiples and little kid are still terrified. Why does this always happen? Does ANYBODY listen? Does anybody care? I do. Then how come nobody else does? And I don't know what to say.

At times, the terror of feeling like the whole world is trying to crush you hits. My therapist keeps saying you have to keep going and then things will get better. So in the meantime does this still mean just hide in the corner and shut up?

Almost Snapped Today

NOTE: This blog contains explicit content and occasional "triggers"(sights, sounds, key words, and more). These can be potenitally harmful to trauma survivors. They're only used here to help get key points across. If this bothers you, stop reading. Otherwise, continue and thanks for the support.

A REAL fight all day today. Dissociating, adrenalin surges and it took FORVER to be aware of where I was. Then, how do I get past this? What normally takes ten seconds for others takes a hour for me. Will I EVER get past this? Endless fear and almost desperation.

And on top of that, you have to keep in mind that 99.9% of the world DOES NOT want to listen. So what do you do? Is the fear always there?

Is This Real Or Not?

NOTE: This blog contains explicit content and "triggers". These are potentially disturbing to trauma survivors. Some examples:

sights
sounds
key phrases
music samples and more

These are only used to help get points across. If these bother you, stop reading now. If not, keep going. And please spread this blog onto everyone it might help.

It's a sunny day. And symptoms have actually gone down some for a change. The underlying fear is still there. But is this some relief for a change?

There's a 16 year old girl on You Tube and My Space who says she was raped when she was 15. Nobody's helped her, so she was forced to go public. I see this and two things come to mind.

If it's true, that's horrible that it happened. And that she has to out herself to get the proper help.

If it's a scam, it's the SICKEST s**t I've EVER seen. It's a huge insult to trauma survivors everywhere. All she wants is her 15 minutes of fame. Which will lead to interviews, talk shows, a book deal, modeling jobs, a reality show and even movies.

How f****d up is society in that case? A woman lies about rape and gets rewarded. Meanwhile, for others (both women and guys) who really were raped, nobody wants to be around them or just treat them like dirt.

If I posted a clip on You Tube, would CNN call me?

Fighting Hard for That Balance

NOTE: This blog contains explicit content and occasional potentially disturbing "triggers" (sights, sounds, and more). These are only used to help get a key point across. If these bother you, stop reading now. If not, keep going and thanks for the support.

The global recession continues, and more expenses are a challenge. Still haven't found the new job yet. But at least I still have savings and won't be homeless tomorrow. Twice is enough for me.

Having said that, it's a weird time. Yesterday I told my therapist I'm staying away from a lot of political stuff right now. One reason is because I feel like I'm 3 steps ahead of everybody else. They only see a small part of the big picture. I on the other hand am thinking way ahead. So the best thing right now is to just avoid it as much as possible.

We still have that paralyzing fear at the worst times. My multiples and little kid are still scared that the whole world is going to crush thm. I tell them, no chance in hell of that happening. So then why do they keep treating us like s**t? How many ways can you say, I don't know.

You know you have things to do. But it takes A LOT of energy to mak yourself get up and move. It's not the usual feeling down that everybody has from time to time. Then you'd hear somebody say, just get on with it. It feels like THE WHOLE WORLD is saying, we don't give a s**t about you. Just f**k off and die. When you feel like you ALWAYS hear that, what do you do? What kind of permenant effect does that have on someone? I've done lots of research on this. And all you see if endless studies and "official definitions" of PTSD.

Today som 16-yr old girl posted a You Tube clip in which she says she was raped. If it's true, it's horrible and sad that she has to hype this to get the proper help. Now, the flip side of that. What if it was a guy? Would anybody care? Or, would people say, what the f**k's his problem? He was stupid enough to get raped. How f***ed up is that?

Do you take that risk, post and out yourself? Would you lose everything? Would anybody actually notice? It feels like everybody's saying, women get raped and that's one thing. But for guys who get raped, you don't exist.

If that's not true, prove it.

Fighting Back

NOTE: This blog contains explicit content, including occasional "triggers" (sights, colors, sounds and more) that might be upsetting to trauma survivors. If these bother you, stop reading now. if not, keep going and thanks for your support.

Fighting back to not give into the despair. I stay away from triggers as much as possible. I do all the holistic things that I know are good for me. But still, we'd like to have one day free of symptoms.

How to Cope With The Fear

NOTE: This blog contains explicit content and occasional "triggers"(sights, sounds, phrases and more) that migh upset trauma survivors. They're only used to help make a point. If these bother you, stop reading now. If not, continue and thanks for your support.

Another meeting tonight with my multiples and little kid. And everything feels black. How come nobody loves us? I do. Then how come nobody else does? How come nobody ever touches us and says I'm sorry you were raped? Will it always be like this?

And then I say, I hope not. I wish I could gurantee that. But I'm always here for you. How else do you respond to that? How do you cope with a lifetime of no contact, reassurance or feeling like there's hope of any kind?

You could say the usual, shut up and carry on. But unfortunately, the entire world doesn't walk in lockstep and obey every command given. So what do you do instead?

Slooging Your Way Thru Emptiness

NOTE: This blog contains explicit content and occasional "triggers" (sights, sounds, colors, etc.) that could be upsetting to trauma survivors. If these bother you, stop reading. If not, keep going and thanks for your support.

Went to therapy today, and at times it was very frustrating. You feel like you're making progress. And then you hear a lot of stuff that you already now. Which then makes you think, bloody hell. Why am I here? My multiples and little kid still have lots of fears:

Will anybody ever listen?
How come nobody wants to stop and pay attention?
Will anybody ever touch us and say, we're sorry you were raped?

We fight hard to focus and not dissociate. But sometimes it's almost like you have to FOCUS HARD and punch out a wall or something to do it. My therapist says that things will continue to get even more extreme before they even out.

So what are we supposed to do in the meantime? I go out someplace and start to cry. It's sunny and you think it will be ok. But you sit in the middle of the store and cry. People walk by you. What do you do? How do you look cool and calm on the outside when you want to kill them on the inside?

Dissociating, adrenalin surges and the other symptoms still happen. But at times you feel like the entire world is screaming at you: WE DON'T GIVE A F**K ABOUT YOU! What do you do then?

Lots of Fear Tonight

NOTE: This blog contains explicit content and "triggers" (sights, sounds, key words/phrases and more). These could be potentially upsetting to trauma survivors. If these bother you, stop reading. If not, keep going and I hope this helps you in some way.

Lots of sadness and fear tonight. My multiples and little kid feel like everything is beating them down. I try to tell them, I don't know why everybody treats us like s**t. How could people be that sick? I don't know. You feel paralyzed and think, what do we do now? Dissociating and adrenalin surges still happen as well. You feel like you're going to snap and don't know what to do. But it seems like the whole world says, shut the f**k up and YOU fix it! Don't waste my time with your s**t.

How do you keep going when you feel paralyzed? We feel sad, we cry. And we fight when the nightmares and lucid dreams happen. If we have to, we take a knife or any weapon we have and check everywhere to make sure its safe. Then we sit with it nearby, just in case we need it. If anybody ever tries to rape us again, we'll f*****g kill them. We'll cut them into a million little pieces and then throw them out the front door.

You laugh at us. You treat us like s**t. But f**k you if you think you'll EVER f*****g rape us again.

Fighting Back Against Emptiness

NOTE: This blog contains explicit content and "triggers". These are sights, sounds, key words or phrases and more. If these bother you, stop now. Otherwise, keep going and please pass this onto anybody else it could help.

Had another meeting with my multiples and little kid. The emptiness is still there and we wonder, will it always be there? We go thru the motions and still the teror is there. Nobody listens, nobody cares. Nobody wants to be seen with you, touch you or reassure you in any way. You go thru the motions and wonder, what do I do now?

My therapist says that eventually things will improve. But still the fear and terror won't go away. I wonder if he has nightmares?

Trying to Cope with Emptiness

NOTE: Ths blog contains explicit language and "triggers" which can be harmful to some trauma survivors:

sights
sounds, colors
key words and phrases
music samples
loud noises and more

If these bother you, protect yourself and stop reading now. Otherwise, keep going. And thanks for support.

There's lots of emptiness today. At first, dissociating was harsh. But then after that, everything feels empty. You go thru the motions and you know that you have things to do. But you feel like, what do I do now?

Nobody listens and you feel like the pressure keeps building. But you're at the bottom of the list. There are vets with PTSD. Women rape victims with PSTD. And then the rest of us. Nobody wants to listen. But at the same time you're told, you need to get help. You did this, so you fix it. How did I do this? I asked to be raped? I asked to be treated like s**t for years? And everybody says, nobody cares what you think or feel. So just shut the f**k up.

Maybe it's a nice day. And suddenly you fall down and start to cry. In a crowded place. What do you then? You feel like the whole world says f**k off and die. So why should you care about me now? What do you REALLY want?

At times I really have to be careful. Triggers are still everywhere. And you can be bombarded with other people's thoughts. When you finally feel like you can have some calm for a change, you're back to that emptiness. And what do you do then?

The Multiples and My Little Kid Have Lots of Fears

NOTE: This blog contains explicit content and occasional "triggers" to get key points across. These can be many things:

sights
sounds
colors
music samples
key words or phrases
and more

If these bother you, stop reading. Otherwise, continue and thanks for your support.

The pressure continues to build. Pick an issue: Obama and Hillary, Rev. Wright, the recession, attacking Iran and more. I really try to stay away from as many triggers as possible. But at times my intuiton has trouble sorting it all out. It's like reading the subtitles in what someone does or says. If you're in a crowded room, multiply that by ten or twenty. I still want to snap (usually in a crowded place). And I think, what do I do? If there's nowhere to hide and you see someone else, what do I do? You try to look cool and calm on the outside. But on the inside you feel like you're going to snap.

Then, when you try to get help, it still feels like nobody wants anything to do with you. Guys who are rape survivors and non vets are at the bottom of the food chain. Vets and women who have trauma are a step up. But as for the rest of you, just disappear and die. Nobody wants to be around you as you freak us out. So just hide in the corner and do us all a favor. We're trying to eat here, ok?

My therapist and I talk about never having a family. Biologically you do. But beyond that, no. We think, how can anybody be that f*****g sick to their own kid. We cry and wonder, can we trust anybody? Is EVERYBODY in the world like this? What do we do then? Now it seems like the gap between the haves and the have nots gets bigger all the time. Almost all women survivors I try to talk to want nothing to do with me. Because I'm a guy who got repeatedly raped. And there's no freaking catagory in society for people like that.

Did you know that there are many therapists out there who think PTSD is a scam? In the military, it's a draft dodge. You try to get help, and what happens. PTSD is a joke, so go away. I don't deal with insurance bulls**t. So you deal with it. You struggle with dissociating and all the other symptoms. But nobody has the time to deal with you. You were stupid enough to get f****d in the ass more than once. So you fix it. I won't tolerate your stupidity or f*****g weakness. Just go away.

My therapist says, if I died tomorrow, the family would care. And I honestly don't know if that's true or not. Up until now, you can't be bothered to deal with my s**t. So why should I trust you now? Why would you suddenly change and actually give a f**k about what happens to me?

How do I deal with this? I compartmentalize and that helps some to cope. Because being a parent is a priviledge and not a right. But some m****rf*****s don't know s**t about that.