Trying to Cope With the Ups and Downs

It must be Tuesday. Lots of bases to cover as the next therapy appointment is next week. In the meantime, more job hunting and protecting yourself as best you can. Not perfectionism, but a balance.

What's the hardest thing to deal with in symptoms right now? One would be not giving into violently dissociating. In the past, you could dissociate and disappear for hours at a time and not know where you are. Just like doing a drug, it helps you in a sense to escape pain and feel "normal". Now, deal with that about 200 times a day. What do you do? Do you give in? Or, do you say I'll go the other way? It's really exhausting, but I don't want to fall apart and have to fight your way out of that and old dissociating rituals.

As your system is cleaner and you're more aware, use that to your advantage. In job networking, I'm really paying attention to what's said, and how it's said. Is my timing okay, or do I come back later? How do you get past "please check out website and now go away"?

I can't control what other horrible people do and say. On the other hand, I will set boundaries and protect myself. Despair and crippling feelings of abandonment are there as well. Despite that, it's not my fault. I'm telling the truth, and that's all that matters.

How's Your Chemical Balance?

Staying home and getting ready to try for another job interview at a well known firm tomorrow. I've tried twice, but they never called back. Try one more time, and maybe I'll get an actual interview.

As for protecting yourself, I'm sticking to boundaries where needed as much as possible. Horrible flashbacks still happen. Scary, violent dissociating happens as well. You feel like 99% of the real world doesn't care. I'm also struggling with a lifetime of feeling abandoned.

What's another scary thing? I was in a psych ward once because I thought I was suicidal, but I wasn't. I got NO SUPPORT from the "immediate family". I just recently realized, if the worst happened and I ended up back in one and something happened to me, I have no gurantee that any of these people would care.

How do you deal with THAT?

Latenight Thoughts

It really is the weekend. Some herbal tea and then time for my meditation. Also, welcome to our readers in the Boston area, in the UK, and Australia.

While I don't know why so many people say and do cruel things to trauma survivors that didn't ask to be one, bear in mind that you're telling the truth. That's all that matters. Protect yourself as best you can, because nobody else will give you that reassurance.

Screen the content you deal with as best you can. Regardless of where you live in the world, traumatic stuff is everywhere. The MSM won't do it. Which means you have to take that initiative. Trust me, you won't regret it.

Cover Your Bases

Sorry to be away for a few days. It's been a doctor appointment, job hunting and lots of other stuff to do. In the whole process, you also try to keep your balance as best you can.

Understandably, there are also rough moments of trying not to attack everyone you see. Anger in feeling abandoned, and also being let down by what feels like almost every person in person that you turned to for help. You're concerned, but also it's your fault so go away? Today was another doctor's appointment. At times, I felt like the doctor wasn't taking me seriously. Do you think I LIKE having symptoms, pain all over and nightmares as well? Do you think it's fun to not be able to see one of the psycho rapists that attacked me, but to be able to see everything else?

We still screen everything. It feels like I'm about five steps ahead of the world. I know everything that's going to be said and what the reaction will be. Having said that, I also try to bear in mind I'm not responsible for that stuff. It's not my job to singlehandedly save the world. Your overall well being comes first.

Why do so many who say they're concerned about trauma survivors end up treating you like crap? You say at times why should I even talk to you? Since I was raped by three psycho pedophiles, only two people have ever taken the time to give me a non-threatening hug and say I'm sorry you were raped.

What kinds of effects does that long lack of reassuring contact have on someone? I've asked various sources, and nobody has an answer. Does this mean that no studies have ever been done of this? I find that hard to believe (if it's true). Is it a matter of falling back on no case is the same? Therefore, there's no standard solution to this? Nice try, but that's dodging the question.

I fight to not dissociate all day long. Adrenalin surges still happen. You feel like you have no sensation in various parts of your body. You have to try and re-focus your energy to feel "normal" again. If you don't, you'll completely fall apart. That's not just irrational fear. That's what it feels like, every single day.

You can't control what other horrible people do and say. On the other hand, you can ask, why are people so cruel? Why is the system set up to make it incredibly hard for real trauma survivors to try and get the help they need? To get anywhere, is it really that bad that you have to have a celebrity "name" connected to it to get attention?

Why do people say "sex abuse" and not rape, whether it's a woman or a guy survivor? Isn't that like saying "enhanced interrogation techniques" instead of torture? Is it because people are eating breakfast or dinner, and we just don't talk about things like that at those times?

I feel like I'm the only person in my "immediate family" (whatever that means) that's not mentally ill. Am I the only one that sees vicious abuse and denial? Am I the only one who sees that saying being raped by a pedophile is "normal" sexual experimentation is seriously fucked up? Can any sane, rational person NOT see that? Shouldn't any person like that be permanently barred from any contact with kids?

Am I the ONLY one that sees that?

Unless I have to look at it, I stay away from the news. It's too triggering, and why would I want to end up dissociating for a week before I regain some sense of focus? This tells me that yes, my symptoms are still that severe.

One key for all survivors to keep in mind. Your body memory and intuition don't lie. I know that a third serial pedophile repeatedly raped me, and nobody did anything about it. I'm telling the truth, and that's all that matters.

On really bad days, I feel like I have cancer, fibromyalgia and MS all at the same time. Plus there's fear and a sense of abandonment. You feel like an orphan and don't know what to do.

Just try to pay attention to how you feel.

Some Ways to Deal With Trauma

Time to break our "no progressive content" rule to make some points.

The aftermath of the Treyvon Martin case continues. This means that more recycled comments about race will continue (along with the "pundit" comments, books, documentaries, cable news comments, lectures, films and any other profit making venture you can think of). We already know that racism sucks, is horrible, deadly, and needs to be stopped.

Yet, the mostly white owned corporate MSM won't allow all of the truth to be told. This means that everyone from Jesse Jackson to Al Sharpton, Tavis Smiley and others can only go so far. If you go beyond that, you're considered (fill in the blank with various racist terms), and cut off. None of these people are that brave. Which means you keep putting out the obvious, and you keep your job.

For everyone who's surviving trauma in some way, how do you cope? Here are some ideas.

It's not your fault (whether you're a survivor, or someone was sadly killed).
Nobody asked for this.
Why does the system treat survivors and victims so horribly? In many cases, racism, money and power. Maintain the status quo.
Despite all the horrible stuff that others may say and do, keep this in mind. As long as you're telling the truth, that's all that matters.

Money, Balance and More

Our suggestion. Stay away from the triggering news, unless you have to look. If you do, screen everything, because there's a lot of sick stuff out there.

More closer to home, another three weeks until the next therapy session. In the meantime, I'm still balancing job leads with money problems, symptoms and more. Protection is also mandatory. Flashbacks to vicious abuse still happen all day long. You try to focus on the present as best you can. Despite doing that, you can still struggle with how come nobody helped me?

Even with the abuse and feelings of abandonment, you try to keep things in mind:

You're not weird, a freak or "abnormal" in any way because of being raped by three serial pedophiles.
Now, all of the backed up trauma is flooding out.
Just because you were raped by pedophiles doesn't mean that you will rape some other little kid.

Why then do I at times have that fleeting thought? I have no desire to hurt either myself or anyone else. Especially an innocent terrified little kid. Why then do I have this fleeting sick and twisted thought?

Is it because it's a reaction of some type to being raped and horrible trauma? I've asked lots of sources, and so far NOBODY knows. My current therapist doesn't like contact with clients outside sessions unless it's an emergency. And I have nowhere else to go to.

The thought comes to mind. Do I have to cure myself?

Try Not to Dissociate

It's still a daily battle to deal with symptoms. I still have the urge to dissociate all day long. Which means force yourself to go the other way, and see what happens.

Cover bases, look for the new jobs, doctor appointments and more. How do I make extra money to help pay for my holistic treatment? In juggling all of this, I'm just trying to keep a healthy balance. Like I told one of my mental health support sources last night, not perfectionism. Just a balance.

Tomorrow's my birthday (happy birthday to me!). A well deserved day off. Feel free to post comments. If Obama calls, I'm not available.

Getting Scarier As You Go Along

I'm still trying to keep my system as healthy as I can. Set boundaries and trust your intution. Yet, despite all that more anger, frustration and feelings of abandonment come out as well.

I don't want to hurt myself or anyone else. However, I still at times feel like killing anyone who gets in my way. Can I trust anyone? Is everyone out to screw me over, and then kill me as well? I have to be extremely careful right now with so much triggering content everywhere. If you're not, you can end up dissociating for a week.

Why do the sick twisted lucid dreams, body pain and despair keep happening? Because I haven't dealt with it before. Which means it's going to come out.

I literally can't touch 99% of my formerly favorite foods. If I do, it causes horrible pain all over.

Now, another three weeks to go till the next therapist appointment.

Word of Mouth Advertising

Time to talk about word of mouth advertising. In the current austerity economy, there's a shrinking amount of potential funds to help lots of needy non profits. This also means that there's more pressure to try and advertise their causes.

While others do great work on various issues, allow me to plug what's done here and why I need your help as well. This blog isn't part of an official non-profit (in the States, a 501(c) for tax purposes). I've tried approaching many media outlets that might be open to run public service ads for this. Nobody will do it.

Why? Because this isn't an "official" non-profit. But I've been doing it for almost six years now. With no ads. It's now reaching (and I'm assuming helping as well?) people in almost all 50 states and lots of countries abroad. Doesn't matter. It has to be "official".

What are they afraid of? That I'm pushing an "agenda"? That being connected to this blog in any way might potentially offend their advertisers/donors (in "public" broadcasting, it's really the same thing)? So just stay away from it?

I'm just trying to give trauma survivors a place to be heard. Why is that so "subversive"?

Which means if you're a real person reading this (which I'm assuming that you are), you like something here. If that's also true, then please help out by giving this URL to someone else who might benefit from it.

Here, there's no budget. No ads. No online store. No gigantic corporate donors that have the power to instantly kill something that they don't like. None of that. It's just a place for trauma survivors to be heard.

Thanks for the help.

Horrible Backed Up Trauma is Flooding Out

Not much sleep last night. I still feel really run down much of the time from fighting symptoms and trying to not black out. Then, you wake up and scream because you're being bombarded with horrible flashbacks, body pain and more. You have to fight back and not black out. If you do, what happens then? What will one of all of my multiples do then? How do I explain it later to whoever's screaming at me?

You fight really hard to not black out and to reassure yourself that no, you're not "insane". You're not going to fall apart and kill everyone in the area. I still think about drinking again at times. Would I actually go back to it? No. On the other hand, it's healthy to admit that the thought is there.

Is anyone paying attention to you? The MSM and progressive as well want nothing to do with us. We have lots of links to various places we think we can trust. Yet, none of them has ever taken the time to cross link (does ANYBODY cross link anymore?), leave comments or anything. I know you can't make anyone do anything. Having said that (and being a normal person), the important thing is that the links are there if someone does need them.

I fight really hard to not black out from dissociating, and at times I literally can't move. The more severe it is, the more severe the pain that comes out. Aside from the current therapist, there's nobody else to turn to. Aside from a crisis line when necessary, unless I move elsewhere, nobody can do anything for me (global austerity cuts).

I literally can't touch anything acidic in my diet. If I do, I end up with horrible body pain all over. It feels like I have Stage 4 leukemia, or some other horrible condition. I can't afford to go to a holistic doctor because here most at twice as expensive as traditional doctors. If the treatment is better, why then is it more expensive? How come you won't deal with health coverage or sliding scale fees? The low income hospital where I go for my therapy doesn't have holistic treatments because they're "experimental". Also, the biggest health provider in this area essentially runs the low income treatment. How's that for "outsourcing logic" by the state?

This means that I have to make extra money to pay for treatment that I know will help me to deal with being raped, which wasn't my fault.

Please take ten seconds and reread the last sentence before continuing.

I feel at times like I'm going to scream and snap in two. Every reputable source that I have tells me the same thing. If trauma doesn't come out in a good way, it will come out in bad ways. What else can you do?

I'm not trying to scream at various people who try to help with the limited resources that they have. It's all YOUR fault. However, many times I have to just turn everything off and just sit and try to focus before I go out. If I don't, it's like everyone's a threat and will try to kill you. I know that's not true. But the thought is still there.

The severity of your symptoms are in correlation with the severity of the underlying trauma.

I don't have a death wish. I don't want to hurt either myself or anyone else. Despite that, I still at times see my life flashing before my eyes. Key scenes are played out and you're watching. You ask, does anyone care if I'm alive? If you do, why have I had endless abuse all this time? How come an innocent little kid is repeatedly raped by three pedophiles, and nobody believes me or does anything about it when I tell the truth about this?

Does my life matter?

Be Selective about the Stimulus

You have to screen everything. Just when you think it's okay, some weird thing comes out of nowhere, and you could end up dissociating for hours. I feel at times like I'm getting assaulted by horrible stuff from all directions. I know that not everybody is evil and out to kill me. Yet, you have to turn things off at times.

I can't handle a lot of my former diet. I still have nightmares, body pain and fight to not dissociate all day long. I feel like I'm detoxifying from a longtime of horrible abuse (from others, and from my old destructive habits to try and escape pain which only made it worse).

This means you feel like you have to constantly be on guard. You constantly have to watch your stress level. Can I take others at face value? Or, is everyone lying to me?

Unless I have to look, I stay away from news as much as possible. Flashbacks and body pain come out of nowhere. You scream all day long and fight to not fall apart. You can't just sit back and do nothing. Is this because of a lifetime of abuse that still needs to be dealt with?

Not by choice, but there's a break in my therapy appointments at the moment. Which means you do your best to cope in the meantime. You fight to not fall apart, and nobody's going to help you. Or, at least it feels like that at times.

Even when I'm sitting and there's no apparent threat anywhere, I still have problems at times with dissociating. It's not just normal daydreaming. It's more than that. A survival response to ongoing abuse?

Am I eating or drinking too much of the wrong things? Will this mess up my stress level? It feels like I have diabetes (in the sense of constantly being aware).

Have I ever thought about putting ads on this blog or selling out to some corporation? I have, but I won't. Thanks for your ongoing support. I don't know who you are. And, you don't know who I am. The NSA knows who all of us are. But, that's a different post. Selling out here would be like the Grateful Dead selling their entire catalog to Microsoft. It won't happen.

In return for that continuing high standard, I only ask one thing. Word-of-mouth advertising. Please give our URL to anyone it might help. UNLESS it threatens someone's healing in some way. The MSM (and progressive) won't go near us. Which means quality and posts that count will beat them at their own game.

Back to my herbal tea.

How's Your Balance?

Yes, it's another screen everything kind of day. I stay away from lots of triggering content, and feel like I'm about 6 steps ahead. I know all the outcomes, so why bother even looking? Do something more constructive.

What keeps me out of trouble? The biggest thing in dealing with symptoms is fighting really hard not to dissociate. If you eat too late at night, that leads to nightmares and no sleep. Even if I do that, I still fight to not black out all day long. Blocked anger at times is still a problem. You feel like you're going to snap and attack everyone you see. However, I'm smart enough not to do that  (and then do jail time for assault). It's like you're barely above a line and can stay coherent. If you fall below it, you don't where you are.

Do I have any other medical problem at the moment? Not that I know of.

How do you cope with adrenalin surges? One way is to stay off chemicals as much as possible. Even if you do that, you still have to focus to rebalance your chi (body energy). Now, try doing that all day long, and everything else you have to do.

I feel like I have to constantly watch my stress level. If I don't, my pupils dialate and I feel like I have no control at all. When that happens, I try to eat and drink something to rebalance. Is it connected to your blood sugar level in some way? Maybe also to a weakened immune system, or adrenal burnout.

Still looking everywhere for as many job leads as possible. At times emigrating comes to mind. If the new jobs aren't here, do I need to go out again? If I do, where would I go? Austerity cuts/problems are still everywhere. Europe and Canada? No. Australia? Problems. Other parts of Asia? I'm not sure.

Just in my case, I can't just sit back and do nothing. If I do, I feel like a shell. You then have to literally shock yourself back into feeling normal again. On bad days with anger, I scream and feel like I'm going to black out. Am I going to have a stroke or heart attack as well? Many times the usual grounding techniques don't work.

What do you do then?

Who's the third pedophile that repeatedly raped me and got away with it? I don't know. I still have violent jumpcut flashcuts to being raped and NOBODY listens or cares. It's like constant painful body memory. Someone's always trying to attack you (even though nobody's there). If you sit back and do nothing, it feels like a rape scene out of "Deliverance". And nobody's going to save you.

Where I live, concealed guns are legal. Do I really want to carry one and kill everyone who laughed at me and treated me like dirt? The thought comes to mind. But no I don't.

Do you feel like you can trust people? Or, is everyone a psychotic threat that wants to rape you and then  kill you? Hyperawareness is still a problem (at times, at home as well). I have to reassure my little kid that no, nobody's going to break in and kill us. Break ins and murders do happen. Not here though because it's my job to protect us.

Next question. How come nobody protected us from the three psycho pedophiles?

Just bear in mind it's not my fault. I'm telling the truth, and that's all that matters.

Taking a Break

Today is a as-little-bombarding-triggering-stuff-as-possible day. No news, no corporate 24/7 radio, no Twitter, nothing. Last night, I reached a point where I literally said ENOUGH. Look if you have to. If not, stay away from it. Being aware and caring is fine. Then again, you overall well-being comes first. It's literally to the point where I can't handle all of my trauma flooding out AND everyone else's. It's too much.

My diet and other things are still as holistic as possible. Many former favorite foods and drinks are too triggering, toxic and more. What do I do now?

As much as possible, listen to the effects of things on you. The "correct therapeutic term" is somatic. Basically, pay attention to how you feel. I just feel like I have to protect myself as reasonably as possible.

Because, nobody else will do it for me.

Another idea. Setting boundaries and saying no when necessary is okay. If others are horrible to you and endlessly manipulate and treat you like crap, that's their problem. It's not your responsibility to save everyone else. Why? Because everyone's responsible for what they do or say. From Obama on down to the rest of us. Then, you live with the consequences.

If someone tries to manipulate you with guilt (it's not my fault, how could you be so cruel to your own mother/father, life isn't a scorecard) in many ways, one response would be this. You can try to manipulate facts all you want. However, that doesn't change the fact that this has been a lifetime of abuse from you.

After a certain point, you say, okay. From now on, you're on your own. I'm not going to beg you or try to save you or do anything. I'm not going to waste my life on wishing for something that will never happen. I'm telling the truth about being raped by three pedophiles who will never be prosecuted. You can be as horrible as you want. However, despite that, I'll be okay and keep moving forward as positively as possible. Go pick on somebody else. I don't want to play anymore.

Nobody else is going to protect you. I was raped by three pedophiles, and NOBODY protected me. However, I don't want to also end up like everybody else is a threat.

No bombarding stimulus tomorrow? We'll see.

Peanut Butter and Herbal Tea

Lots of triggering stuff happening right now. My suggestion? Screen everything and only deal with what you have to.

Back to the therapist earlier today. While the appointment time is short, you do the best you can. Despite all the horrible stuff that happens, bear in mind that it's not your fault. I'm telling the truth. That's all that matters.

My overall detoxifying from trauma is still going on. So far, no other illnesses to worry about.

On the other hand, at times I still feel like I'm going to snap. Does that ever go away?

Trying to Stay Connected

Enjoying the weekend (unless it's already Monday where you are. Which makes this a very silly opening)? Bear with me as some techincal problems are happening as I post. But we'll fix it.

Tomorrow is another therapist session. Symptoms and despair are still there. My mantra for the day? I'm telling the truth. No matter what other horrible people say and do, I will protect myself.

Your intuition and body memory don't lie. Especially when it comes to dealing with healing from trauma.

Is This Detoxifying, or Something Else?

A long day of fighting symptoms and trying to keep some sense of balance. No perfectionism, but balance.

Is this detoxifying, or is something else going on? I literally can't handle any of my favorite foods. Stimulants are out. Trying not to dissociate is still incredibly exhausting. Which means if you can't have something sweet to try and recover your energy, what do you do then?

Who's the third pedophile? I'm not sure. The new therapist says that everybody handles surviving trauma differently. I can't see his face. But I can literally see everything and sense everything else.

How do you deal with a dysfunctional system where you feel like you're the ONLY person who sees and is talking about everything happening? Am I the only one that sees other people's mentally ill behavior? Am I the only one not in ultra severe denial?

Aside from complex symptoms, is there some other medical problem? Tourette's? No. MS? No. Parkinson's? No. Some form of cancer? Again, no.

Have I totally lost my appetite? No. On the other hand, it feels like practically all of may favorite stuff is too triggering. Which means big changes in my diet.

Somebody once asked, am I bi-polar? No I'm not. I have depression at times, but not the manic highs as well.

I still don't feel safe around many people that I know. Did one of them rape me as well? I'm not sure. However, the fear and the need to fight back first is there.

You can't sit back and do nothing. But there's no one there. That doesn't matter. You HAVE to fight back.

How do you explain that to someone who's never been raped? Or, never been raped by three pedophiles that will never be prosecuted?

In trying to not dissociate and black out, I feel at times like I'm going to have a stroke or a heart attack. I try the usual grounding techniques, but much of the time they don't work. What do I do then?

If I don't do anything, I'll literally fall apart. Try living with that fear every day for a really long time. Another reason to have that fear? Nobody will listen or help you in any way.

Is everybody else in the world mentally ill and evil? No. Then again, at times it's really hard to not feel like everybody's a threat.

Lots of periods of time in the past are too horrible to think about. How do deal with that and NOT feel cheated?

What Next?

Happy 4th wherever you are in the world. If you're not American, that's okay. Just smile as the noise from fireworks and more happens around, nod your head, and enjoy the free food and drinks.

Here, there's still a sense of despair. Went to the new therapist yesterday, and the important thing is that going somewhere is better than nowhere. I can't afford to move right now. How then do I make this work?

Instead of two pedophiles, now there are three. I still can't see the third one's face. But I can see and sense everything else. It's like the worst serial pedophile you can think of. Everything is a sick ritual. You try to scream, but you can't.

Is anyone going to hear you or save you? No.

The therapist said, how could anyone let three pedophiles go on raping someone with no consequences? My answer: you tell me. In this "immediate family", it's so dysfunctional that there's massive denial everywhere. Am I the only one that sees that?

On the other hand, it's not my job to save these people. Everything you do and say has consequences. The rich and powerful can get away with way more, and in many cases never be touched. My parents endangered the welfare of one of their kids. Now, because of massive denial, manipulation and being rich, they can get away with this.

Are these people sociopaths, psychotic, or something else?

My body memory and intuition are telling me that the third pedophile might be my father. I'm not sure. However, regardless of who it is, the first question that comes to mind is how could do something that sick to an innocent and terrified little kid?

I exist. I am not just a trauma survivor. But that is part of who I am. Like anybody else I want some sense of validation. On the other hand, these people in denial are on their own.

Time to finish my victim compensation claim.

Trying Not to Feel Overwhelmed

Tomorrow, it's the first appointment with the new therapist. In the meantime, lots of bases to cover and trying to keep a sense of focus.

I still don't know who the third psycho pedophile was who serially raped me. Despite that and all the horrible stuff that continues to happen, I'm telling the truth. Another aspect of this is massive denial in the "immediate family". It's like others know that there's a problem, but NOBODY will dare say that publically.

Your father is a bully who uses money as a weapon to try and intimidate and control people. Your mother thinks that being raped by a pedophile is "normal sexual experimentation".

Are these people mentally ill, sociopaths, or something else?

You can be in massive denial and try to manipulate all you want. That doesn't change the FACT that I was raped by three pedophiles, and nobody did anything about it. Now, you have to live with it. Not me.