Back to Balance

Off to cover more bases today. We took a break yesterday because we were just worn out. No leads at the moment, and what do we do now? Plus, lots of symptoms were flaring up as now.

Today, we're using more acupuncture massage to try and have better chi flow. Better flow means better balance. Despair is still there. Then again, what else can you do?

Cover more bases and create as many opportunities as possible. Not perfection. But just balance.

Keep a Smooth Flow

A rough day with adrenalin surges. At times you fight to keep sensation in different parts of your body. It's like your chi flow is messed up, and you have to concentrate and force it back into balance. Now, fight that all day long AND do everything else you have to.

Dissociating is still there. Does it get worse as you try to clean up your diet from lots of junk food? You be the judge.

Herbal Tea and Then Some

Some latenight NBA highlights as we wind down after a long day. That and some herbal tea.

How are your PTSD symptoms? Here, we still have everything. The hardest ones lately are dissociating and adrenalin surges. We've been off refined sugar now for almost a week, and at times it's harder to focus. Despite that, we still stick to meditation, setting boundaries and screening everything. It has to be done.

Don't misunderstand. It's not a matter of perfection. 24/7 Zen bliss. It's a matter of having a sense of balance.

We stay away from triggering stuff as much as possible. In job hunting, at times that can be tough to do. You have to check out everything and everybody. You can find out quite a bit, if you know where to look. Why? Because just blindly cold calling some business and assuming that everything's great is over. It's a matter of finding a job AND protecting your health (both physical and mental).

We take lots of breaks and turn everything off. Drop off business cards with potential job leads. You help me and I'll help you. Don't wait for opportunities to come to you. Be as proactive and balanced as you can.

Having said that, how do you cope with despair? The "fiscal cliff" will wipe out civilization as we know it. Ok, maybe not THAT bad. How do you keep your sense of balance when it may feel like the world can't be bothered to deal with you? It's YOUR problem to fix. Now, please go away.

How do you cope with that?

All normal human beings are not light switches. Instantly deal with horrible trauma and then move on as if nothing has happened? It doesn't work like that. The current 24/7 soundbite newscycle that we live in says it does.Then again, how many of them have had horrible trauma to deal with? If a celebrity comes out about being a trauma survivor, odds are they won't lose a job, their savings or their home. They won't lose health coverage. Essentially, the world will buy their book and life will go on.

Now, if I come out, I could have all kinds of problems. Finding the next job. Health coverage? To some firms, rape and PTSD are "pre-existing" conditions. Have you ever heard of a rape testing kit being used for a guy survivor? I haven't.

At times we have to fight the urge to singlehandedly save the world. We alone can stop all the pyschos out there. Unfortunately, that's not true. Also, much of the current law enforcement system doesn't help, either. Have you been blown off or yelled at by some cop or therapist because you were inconveniencing them by having the nerve to try and get help for something that's not your fault? I have.

You have to protect yourself. You deserve to be heard. Why? Because you do, that's why.

Do You Feel Stuck?

Sunny and cool in this part of the world. A little more to do at home. Then, time to go out for a nice snack.

We stayed in last night and caught up on some new job leads. Also, there was lots of body pain. Is it all because of our diet? Or, is it something else? We're not sure.

We're still struggling with anger and not wanting to feel cheated. Everything still has to be screened to protect yourself from triggering stuff. Despair still happens, and when it does we feel stuck.

Have a good day.

Day 3 of the Diet

Staying in and staying warm tonight. Some nice herbal tea and a tiny amount of peanut butter.

Why tiny? Because we're still sticking to the holistic diet. Which means the tiniest amounts have big effects on our system. We found a website that basically says that for a long time our acidic diet literally poisoned our system. Now, it's detoxifying and trying to regain balance.

Makes sense.

This also means that everything else is flooding out. In between some moments of clarity there's still body pain and other symptoms. It's like you don't know where you are. Then for a split second you do. Then, you feel lost again.

Now, imagine going thru that for years with no sense of relief.

NOBODY told me about any of this. Nobody ever asked, were you raped? Is there a history of sex abuse here? You feel at times like, do I have to cure myself?

Adrenalin surges still happen. You feel at times like you're losing sensation in different parts of your body. This means that many times lots of massage can help to bring feeling back. There's also a history of other medical problems.

I feel that it's all connected.

You scream. You fight to survive and not black out. Along with that, you're eating and drinking tons of junk food. Naturally that only makes the pressure worse.

Now, do that for a really long time and fight to not lose hope that maybe somebody will care.

You have to fight to survive. Can you trust anybody? Will anybody listen? Or, will everybody treat you like s**t? What kind of toll does that take on you?

We just want some sense of balance.

Black Friday Stuff

Welcome to "Black Friday" here in the States. It's the day after Thanksgiving where lots of people line up outside stores anywhere from 4 days to 4 hours before they open early Thursday night. Just to be the first person to get in and make it on the TV news. Does this happen in YOUR country?

Meanwhile, still in Friday, is everything black? We're trying to really stick to our holistic diet. The good news is at times there's some clarity. At others, there's despair and feeling stuck. Everything hits you at once, and you feel like is anyone listening? You have to stay away from sugar and caffeine because our system feels like it's been poisoned for a long time. There's an actual medical condition which is where you overdose on caffeine, and then you suffer from hallucinations. How long does it take to detoxify from all of this? No idea.

Back to the job leads.

Making Changes

Another day of really paying attention to the effects of things on you. How long will it take to detoxify our system to be more in balance? No idea.

That being said, there's still lots of anger to struggle with. You feel cheated and ask why the ____ didn't any of the mental health "experts" tell me about this? Does anyone take me seriously when I say I was raped by two psychos? Or, do you just want me to shut up and go away?

How do I get thru the next fifteen seconds?

Detoxifiying

It feels like another wall where we said, enough. Time for some more changes to try and have a better balance. One way is to look at it is this. If it doesn't come out in a good way, it'll come out in lots of bad ones.

We feel at times like we've been totally robbed. It's really hard to find happy moments in lots of old situations. The minute you feel like you have, millions of sick and twisted lucid dreams and other stuff happen. You're sad, you cry and you literally feel stuck.

What do you do then?

The Effects of Torture (Contains graphic content that might be triggering to trauma survivors. Read at your own risk)

We try really hard to stick to our "no progressive political content" rule on this blog. However, in this case we need to break it. Always for a good reason, though.

For whatever reason, there are lots of people out there online who have the idea that torture is okay. It's the real world. They do it to us. So why the hell shouldn't we do it to them? The first impressions you get reading this are:

These people have never been through any trauma in their lives
They've never travelled outside their local area?
They refuse to critically examine and think for themselves

In short, they have no clue about what they're talking about. Doesn't this violate the "Terms of Service" agreement that sites have about "objectionable" content? Oh, sorry. This is "freedom of speech". Right.

You can say whatever the hell you want with no worries about the consequences.

Trust me. Speaking as a rape survivor, torture doesn't work. Torture will make you do and say anything you have to to survive. I can't believe in 2012 I actually have to spell that out. But apparently I do.

Because of being raped (which isn't my fault), many want nothing to do with me. I can say that I'm a rape survivor in a room full of people. How many would then walk up to me and give me a reassuring hug? Realistically, not many (if anyone at all).

Why?

Is it because I'm their worst nightmare? Is it because they just don't have time in their busy schedules to take ten seconds and show some basic human decency? I know that you can't make anyone do anything. That being said, human beings with emotions aren't light switches. Right. Got raped by two pedophiles. Time to toughen up. Off you go. Carry on.

It doesn't work like that.

Whether it's someone walking down the street or an innocent person at Guantanemo, everyone deserves to be heard. Everyone.

Trying to Deal with Flashbacks

Have a nice weekend? Now, back to the global grind.

Mood swings are still there. There's a feeling of emptiness and seeing key things flash in front of your eyes. People and places where you see it, but you feel sad because there's nothing you can do. Eiher to help them or nobody seems to care to help you.

It's not a death wish in any way. Maybe it's more of a feeling of not wanting to literally be cheated out of any happiness at all? Is this a common thing for all survivors?

Is Torture Really Ok? (Read at your own risk)

How's your coping strategy working? Here, it's been chill out and try to recover from a rough day of battling symptoms. This could lead to lots of sugar to try and feel somewhat energized. How much would YOU pay for a Twinkie?

As for symptoms, we struggle with trying to not black out from dissociating. It feels like a lot of flashbacks and other horror that we didn't deal with hits you all at once. You then feel paralyzed and don't know what to do. Adrenalin surges still happen. Do we have feeling in both legs? Why do we feel like we're literally going to disappear? At times you have to do lots of vigorious massage to keep some sense of feeling.

Then, it's like fighting your way thru flashbacks. You don't know what's real, but you have to fight your way out of it. Get past the stuck fight-or-flight mechanism, or you'll fall apart. Nobody will listen or call.

We take breaks and many times just lie down and stretch. We can barely move because we're so sore. On bad days it's hard to really work out, because are you making things worse? Do you feel like you're about three steps ahead of everyone else? You literally know what everyone else will say and do. Therefore, why bother to listen to it?

There's body pain and horrible memory all over. We try really hard to focus on something solid. Sometimes it works, and sometimes no. Will we snap if it doesn't?

We know we're not insane. We don't have any disability or other illness. We can go out, work and function in anything. We also still have a problem and we're looking for help. However, here therapists either don't have the training to do it. Or, they want nothing to do with coverage or sliding scale fees.

Despite all of that, we're keeping in mind that we matter. We're telling the truth, and that's what matters. If others can't deal with that or say other stuff (i.e., torture is ok), that's their problem.

Is showing some sense of basic human decency an unreasonable request?

Who Doesn't Need Extra Money These Days?

It is the weekend. We're surrounded by different sights and sounds to try and deal better with dissociating. Sometimes that works. Then again, at others you have to screen everything, which can defeat the purpose of that.

Still working on ways to pick up extra money as the job hunt continues. One that I thought would work didn't. Too many potential copyright hassles involved. Which means from now on, it's one hundred per cent all my material.

Aside from that, despair is still crippling. You go thru the motions, and try to look cool and calm on the outside. Yet, at others, you literally feel stuck. Is it all biochemical, or something else? I think that's part of it. Try and keep your ph balance at the right point, and it's like you feel you can focus. Your pupils aren't dialated from an overactive adrenal gland. In the past, that was one of the most terrifying things to try and deal with. It was literally like something was taking over, and you had no way to control it. Nobody would listen or help. You were totally on your own.

We all have different trauma histories to deal with, and healing to cope with now. Do you still feel abandoned? If we try to talk about that with many people, it's frankly insulting when they say it wasn't abandonment. Oh really? What would YOU call it? That's a felony in many states. You can do jail time, pay a fine and potentially lose custody of your kids. Again, that's NOT abandoment?

We still feel scared. We still feel empty. It also at times feels like nobody's paying attention. We literally have to scream and fight to focus and not dissociate so severely that we black out. Do you have to deal with that? At the end of the day we're so exhausted we can barely move. Then again, you can't sit back and do nothing.

We feel sad and cry. We sit and feel like we can't do anything. What do we do now?

Friday Thoughts

Pacing is the key. Lots to do before an early holiday dinner in the neighborhood. I wonder if they'll be fighting over the deserts? Who knows.

We're trying different ways to focus to have a better chi flow. Symptoms are still there, and that can make it tough to find a balance. Flashbacks still come out of nowhere. You feel stuck and like you can't do anything. However, you can't just roll over and do nothing.

Maybe that's one of the hardest combinations to deal with. Despair and asking, is anyone listening?

Time to Just Recover

Another day of feeling really sore and wiped out. We're getting things done, but it's really draining. What's also draining is still fighting to not black out. Flashbacks and other pain hits at the worst times, and you literally hold onto something solid to not fall apart. Then, more despair and you can barely move.

Not so great right now.

Really Sore but Still Here

Staying up for a while to catch up online. Some soothing tea with lemon, and no noise for a while.

We're exhausted from fighting to not black out. Scream and fight to not dissociate and fall apart, IN ADDITION to everything else you have to do. Try to focus and not literally fall apart. Hopefully soon we can go and get tested for various potential allergies. At times it feels like we can't eat anything. Is there anything that we CAN eat with no problems?

A stuck fight-or-flight mechanism is really rough to deal with. Imagine feeling like you have to scream all the time to get anger out, or you'll snap. You have no choice. Of course you also have to deal with the rest of your day as well. How do you handle the two without attacking anyone? In the past two days we've been really trying to keep some sense of focus. It's tough though when you feel like you can barely move. Despair at times is almost paralyzing. You don't want to do anything to hurt yourself or anyone else. However, it's still there.

What else can we do?

Re-Prioritizing

We've decided to re-prioritize certain things to try and cope better with anger and other symptoms. First, as great as it would be, we can't singlehandedly save the world from all the evil people. It would be nice, but we can't. This means your protection comes first.

From now on, unless it's for work or for job hunting, we're staying away from looking at or posting all comments. We're also very selective about online content that we deal with. Again, it goes back to the common survivor idea of you feel like you're the only one that sees everything happening. If the rest of the world would just do what I say things would be so much easier.

Unfortunately, you have no control over what others do and say. Unless you're the boss.

The point is that our health and healing come first. It's too much stress to cope with symptoms and save the world all at the same time. That doesn't mean don't be aware or care. Just that protection comes first, and be selective about what you do.

We can't afford to go to a therapist or a holistic doctor. There's no sliding scale or free counseling in this area. What do we do then? We keep crisis line numbers close by, in case we need them. Even if you do many of the usual grounding techniques, many times that doesn't work. What do you do then?

One thing that helps to keep this perspective is an outsider's view (from living abroad). Use this in a good way, and see what happens.

If Obama needs me, tell him I'm not available. Besides, he couldn't afford my fee anyway.

What Now?

It's been a really rough 48 hours. Almost didn't get any sleep last night due to almost blacking out from flashbacks and anger. Today, we just feel empty and exhausted. Don't give into lots of sugar. Instead, try to stick to holistic stuff.

Despair is still there. It feels like nothing is safe to watch. We still have to screen everything. However, we're also sticking to our belief that we don't want this hanging over our head forever. Just keep going and try to keep your balance.

Here's Something You Should Check Out

We just came across this earlier today. In the U.K., the BBC continues their investigation into a pedophile scandal that's affecting more people and programs. Now the Director General has quit. Will this change how the BBC is run in any way? Too early to tell.

Closer to home, at least one job interview tomorrow. Meanwhile, we're trying to keep our balance and not feel like everything is caving in on us. Hope your balance is going well.

Tea and Then Some

A sunny day with some tea and tunes online. No news, no death and destruction. Just focus and some calm.

We're trying for that. At times though, we still have nightmares , body pain and don't feel safe in crowded places. Not always, but many times we carry a weapon in our bag because we feel better. At night, we keep it at the foot of the bed, along with many times the mobile. It doesn't matter that there's nobody else physically in the room. You just feel better knowing that you have protection.

On really bad days, we feel like we can never let our guard down. Everybody and everything is a threat. Don't trust anybody. They're saying one thing, but what do they really want? Does anybody care at all?

We're just trying for balance.

Profit, Loss and Screening Stuff

What are the watch words for today? Cover your bases, and protect yourself. As much as you'd like to save the world from all of the evil people out there, unfortunately you can't. It's one thing to be aware of the world and care. On the other hand, you have to at times pick your battles and screen everything to protect yourself.

We don't want to end up being burned out, cynical and angry all the time. Take things in small steps. Cover bases. Create opportunites, instead of waiting for the world to come to you.

We do all of these. Yet, the despair is still there. For a really long time, severe dissociating happened every day. Now, we finally can sit for 15 seconds and not dissociate. Maybe most people don't have to worry about that. However, for trauma survivors, do you feel happy? Do you feel robbed? We don't know what to do.

Can you trust anybody? Do you feel like you're the only one that sees everything that's happening? Everyone else is about 5 steps behind and too busy arguing to pay attention?

If you want to be heard, how do you do it? In not all but many cases, if you cut into someone's profit margin, THEN they suddenly have time in their incredibly busy schedule to deal with you. Can you name one situation where that's not true?

Back to It

Yes, it really is over. We were right, and Obama won his second term. Besides, if those other guys won, everytime you mentioned their names it would either sound like (a) a law firm. Or (b), a really bad legal drama. Do you really want four years of that? I didn't think so.

Now what? Maybe the first step is this. Up until this election, we've heard endless in-depth analysis of every possible angle on progressive politics you can imagine. In this, there have been lots of egos and bickering as they rehash the same points.

Are you a progressive?
What is a "progressive"? Sounds like a Python sketch.
I'm more of a progressive than YOU are.
And so on.

Does this solve anything? Other than filling time and space online, no. Instead, why not do this. Think of this as achieving a short term goal and then a long term one. First, defeat the neocons, which is done. Now, go back to holding Obama accountable for extending Bush's various policies. Because if those other guys had won, it's a fact that things would be much worse than they are now. Set aside your egos, and THEN maybe something like the Occupy _______ movement will actually get somewhere.

Today, symptoms are still there. It's back to all the job leads we can get. More in-person contacts and then work online at night. Also at times we just turn everything off and sit down. We went shopping yesterday, and just sat in the parking lot for a while. No thoughts about the election, the economy, or the latest political celebrity gossip.

We just want some sense of balance. We just want to not be bombarded with flashbacks and other torture every single day.

Election Day Stuff

It's finally here. Six billion dollars and four years later, it will be over by tomorrow morning. Hopefully. In the meantime, I'm predicting that Obama will win. Would a majority of voters actually elect extremely silly people like Romney and Ryan? I don't think so.

Having said that, we're still following our holistic diet. Almost one week now with no junk food and practically no sugar. The mood swings are still there. Dissociating and despair as well. It feels like non-stop torture for a long time, and almost nobody cares. Do we now have to cure ourselves as well?

Screen everything, and lets see what happens next.

Pre-Election Stuff

Back to the grind. Have a nice weekend? Here it was fight symptoms and try to recover from that.

Now, tomorrow are the elections. For our international readers, don't ask us to explain why so much money's in it. At this point, there's not much we can do about that. Instead, for anyone who can vote, just make sure you feel good about your choice. Because whatever it is, you have to deal with the consequences.

Closer to home, it's back to covering all bases in job hunting. Like many dealing with trauma, there are other things as well. Finding and keeping jobs. Keeping your home at all costs (I've been homeless twice). Trying to focus and not black out from dissociating or hyperawareness. Dealing with the despair of trying not to feel cheated because of something that's not your fault.

Have a good day.

How's Life East of Central Europe (for everyone already dealing with Monday)?

Enjoying my dinner and listening to the rest of the world online that's already into Monday. So far, so good.

Meanwhile, back here be very selective in what you see, read, and listen to. If your intution is screaming this is a soundbite that you've already heard, you're probably right. Therefore, go elsewhere.

We still have to be careful to avoid violently triggering stuff. We just want to be able to focus and not be bombarded with endless pain.

What's one coping tool? You can't control what others do and say. Everyone has to live with the consequences of this. Sounds basic, but it's true and probably easy to forget at times. Another is use your tools as creatively as possible. For a long time, no one would listen to what I had to say. Finally I said, ok. I'll start my own network. Now, over three years later, we're still here and now have a global audience. All with no budget and no advertising. Can those OTHER blogs say that? Probably not.

We still scream and fight to not black out. On the other hand, on an intuiton level it feels like our system is catching up in healing. Hopes this makes sense.

The Pre-Election Suggestion Post(Contains necessary progressive content to help make important points)

As you know, this blog is a mix of various holistic content to help you deal with the daily struggle of being a trauma survivor. Or possibly, trying to understand what someone else who is is going thru. That being said, we also when necessary have the Long Range Triggering Content Index. Think of it as a variation on the pollution index that you see on your nightly weather report.

In the next week, there's going to be lots of triggering content everywhere you look. Our suggestion is screen everything. Do you really have to deal with this? If you do, that's one thing. However, if you have any choice at all, don't.

Why? Because not all but much of it is just endless microanalyzing of what you already know by well-paid pundits. Since you already know it (if you do a reasonably good job of keeping up with the world), why sit thru it? If it's not your job, then shut it off. Do something else.

In our case, it feels like triggering stuff is everywhere. We can't touch a lot of formerly favorite foods because the slightest amount sets off horrible flashbacks and body memory. Then it takes forever to fight your way back to some sembelance of balance.

What does this mean? For a long time we used junk food as one way to avoid the pain of dealing with trauma. Now, as you're healing this will only poison your system. It's all connected, so it only makes sense that one triggering thing could affect everything.

Do you really need to go to medical school to know this?

Regarding Tuesday's Stateside elections, after you read this you can do whatever you want. All we're saying is keep one thing in mind. Basic Karma Law for Today: everyone is responsible for what they do or say. From Obama on down, there are consequences to everything. All of the national, well-paid pundits (insert famous name here) can talk all they want about what you should do and how come there's no national movment to fix the system and more.

Now, how come there is no national progressive movement to save the system? First, not all but many on the progressive side won't set aside their egos for a common good. Everybody wants to have their own syndicated talk show, column, book and lecture tours, groupies and who knows what else. They want the fame and power that goes with that. Then, when someone is designated "The Leader", instantly they're attacked by others in the group. If you don't agree, go back and read about Cindy Sheehan.

I've been talking about this online thru various outlets for years now. No surprise, no progressive Powers that Be want to pay attention. Which is one of many reasons why I started this blog.

What does this have to do with dealing with trauma? Three out of ten people in the States have some form of PTSD. As the number on benefits rises, so does the overall stress level. Are Romney and Obama talking about this in any way other than austerity soundbites to get elected? No, they're not. If Obama is re-elected, will he make national health (both physical and mental) a national emergency that needs to be dealt with now? No, he won't. Why not? Because he's convinced that he can't afford to be seen as arrogant, "uppity" or any other adjective you want to throw out. The Two Party Mantra continues to be, blame the Other Side if nothing gets done. He can never afford to be seen as weak in any way.

Fact for the day. "Obamacare" was written by a right wing think tank.

As part of protecting yourself, do your homework. You can't just sit back and blindly trust everything and everyone that comes along. We still don't feel safe in many ways. Even when we're around some people that we know.

Time for more tea.

Surviving Sandy and Other Stuff (Contains potentially triggering content. Read at your own risk)

First, to all of our Stateside East Coast readers affected by Hurricane Sandy, stay safe as you deal with your particular situation. Whatever it may be, you do deserve to be heard and treated with respect. Regardless of who you're dealing with.

We're covering as many bases as possible while we try to cope with symptoms. Dissociating is still one of the hardest ones to deal with. There's anger and trying to not black out or punch out everyone you see.

Regardless of whatever you're dealing with, you do matter. Whether you're trying to survive in New York City or somewhere else, human emotions aren't a light switch that you can just turn on and off. It doesn't work like that.

If you are affected by this storm, is anyone paying attention to you? In my case, I've been laughed at and treated like dirt by everyone from therapists to law enforcement. Oh, sorry. Am I intruding on your day by talking about being a guy rape survivor? Something that I didn't ask for?

Lots of questions come to mind:

Does anyone want to admit that I exist?
Does anyone care that I do?
Would anyone care if I wasn't here?
Why is the rest of the world afraid to admit that I exist or touch me in any way?

What's one of the hardest things right now? Maybe not having anything to use to escape what feels like daily pain. In the past, it was everything from soft core porn to booze to junk food. Now, no more of that. This means of course that everything has to come out. Either in a good or a destructive way.

It may feel like the rest of the world just wants you to shut up and go away. Well, you won't. So to them, deal with it.