This blog contains explicit content about one person fighting PTSD from sex abuse. Occasionally I use "triggers" to get points across. These can be things like sights, sounds, music samples, a key word and more. If these bother you, stop now. Otherwise, keep going and thanks for your support.
Went to my GP today. The good news? It's not cancer. The bad news? I felt trapped in the office when dissociaitng hit. How do I get past this? Oh, now I'm in an examining room. What do I do? How do I get past this? What if the dr. walks in and doesn't understand? Somehow I didn't totally snap while we talked. Then, I went and hid in two bathrooms while trying to focus. And I still couldn't it. You feel like a rat trapped in a cage. Everything you do doesn't work. You think you're going to snap. And then what happens? You f*****g pissed off at the sick m****rf****r that raped you. If it wasn't for this sick asshole, NONE OF THIS S**T WOULD BE HAPPENING!
I got back to my car, drove back home, closed all the drapes and then screamed and fought for almost an hour till FINALLY I felt balanced again. Imagine having this 24/7 for years with no end. Everything you try to do doesn't work. Nobody listens and nobody cares. What do you do then? I won't go back to using or kill myself. So what happens when this hits and you feel like nothing works?
Friday, June 27, 2008
Thursday, June 26, 2008
How's Your Balance Thes Days?
Hi there. This blog is one person's battle against PTSD from sex abuse. Occasionally I'll use "triggers" to get key points across. These can be everything from a loud noise to a color to a name. If nay of these bother you, stop reading now. If not, keep going and please pass this blog onto everyone it might help.
How are you doing these days? Tomorrow I go to my GP about a spot that won't go away. It's not a bruise, as far as I know. Is it melanoma or something else? I'm not sure. But I am much more aware of the connection between mind and body. I've had far better luck with alternative doctors than traditional ones. And it's frustrating when you try to explain about this connection (PTSD/sex abuse in my case). And the traditional doctors all have tunnel vision.
I'll find the new job and move to a better place overall. I'm really trying to keep it a step at a time. But at times you really get hit hard with symptoms. Ever have the feeling that you're about five steps ahead of everybody else? I still have that, and it's hard sometimes to keep that in check. It's like you try and focus. But you can't control dissociating. So what do you do then?
Sometimes I slip and watch a little of the "what is torture?" crap on TV. And it's like these people are lying, don't care. And then they have this attitude of shut the f**k up, you lazy ungrateful s***s. We're out there putting our asses on the line to keep you f*****g safe. And this stupid ass Congressional hearing is the thanks we get for it? What the f**k is this?
There's no more news from Iraq on U.S. TV. CBS's chief foreign correspondent (maybe not for long) is busy "allegedly" having affairs with practically every guy in the Green Zone. This gets played to death. And meanwhile the people dying there don't matter anymore. Getting the f*****g oil does, of course. But screw the rest of it.
What helps you to keep your balance? Feel free to post anytime.
How are you doing these days? Tomorrow I go to my GP about a spot that won't go away. It's not a bruise, as far as I know. Is it melanoma or something else? I'm not sure. But I am much more aware of the connection between mind and body. I've had far better luck with alternative doctors than traditional ones. And it's frustrating when you try to explain about this connection (PTSD/sex abuse in my case). And the traditional doctors all have tunnel vision.
I'll find the new job and move to a better place overall. I'm really trying to keep it a step at a time. But at times you really get hit hard with symptoms. Ever have the feeling that you're about five steps ahead of everybody else? I still have that, and it's hard sometimes to keep that in check. It's like you try and focus. But you can't control dissociating. So what do you do then?
Sometimes I slip and watch a little of the "what is torture?" crap on TV. And it's like these people are lying, don't care. And then they have this attitude of shut the f**k up, you lazy ungrateful s***s. We're out there putting our asses on the line to keep you f*****g safe. And this stupid ass Congressional hearing is the thanks we get for it? What the f**k is this?
There's no more news from Iraq on U.S. TV. CBS's chief foreign correspondent (maybe not for long) is busy "allegedly" having affairs with practically every guy in the Green Zone. This gets played to death. And meanwhile the people dying there don't matter anymore. Getting the f*****g oil does, of course. But screw the rest of it.
What helps you to keep your balance? Feel free to post anytime.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Emptiness that's Hard to Shake
NOTE: This blog contains explicit content about one person's fight against PTSD from sex abuse. Occasionally I use "triggers" (sights, sounds and more) to get key points across. If these bother you, stop now. Otherwise, keep going and thanks for the support.
Lots of emptiness and tirggers today. It feels like no matter what you do, you still get hit with this. You know you have things to do. But how do you move? It's not the usual down day that we all have from time to time.
How do you cope with this?
Lots of emptiness and tirggers today. It feels like no matter what you do, you still get hit with this. You know you have things to do. But how do you move? It's not the usual down day that we all have from time to time.
How do you cope with this?
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
A New Source for Help
NOTE: This blog is one person's battle against PTSD from sex abuse. Occasionally I use "triggers" to help get points across. These can be:
sights
sounds
formerly favorite foods
sudden noises
colors
music samples and more
If these bother you, stop reading now. Otherwise, keep going and thanks for the support.
Got almost no sleep last night due to lots of dissociating. Today, it's been more of the same. Sometimes I think I'm going to black out. I try to do all the holistic stuff I can. But still it feels like the whole world is beating you down. How do you cope?
Here's a helpful site: http://www.isurvive.org . It's a wide mix of people talking about their survival from all kinds of trauma. Check it out when you can and give it a try.
More later on.
sights
sounds
formerly favorite foods
sudden noises
colors
music samples and more
If these bother you, stop reading now. Otherwise, keep going and thanks for the support.
Got almost no sleep last night due to lots of dissociating. Today, it's been more of the same. Sometimes I think I'm going to black out. I try to do all the holistic stuff I can. But still it feels like the whole world is beating you down. How do you cope?
Here's a helpful site: http://www.isurvive.org . It's a wide mix of people talking about their survival from all kinds of trauma. Check it out when you can and give it a try.
More later on.
Monday, June 16, 2008
Let's Catch Up
NOTE: This blog contains explicit content about one person's battle with PTSD from sex abuse. Occasionally I use "triggers'" to get key points across. These can be many things:
sights
sounds
key words or phrases
music samples
a sudden noise and more
If these bother you, stop reading now. Otherwise, keep going and thanks for the support.
What's up? Long time no posts, I know. Sorry about that. I've been busy looking job hunting, fighting symptoms. And occasionally falling down and crying because I feel hopeless.
How are YOU doing? I realy appreciate all of you sticking with me here. Don't worry, there's NO WAY checking this out will be traced back to you. Likewise, I do everything I can to not be outed in any way. If I did out myself, I'd have serious problems.
Do you feel like anybody's listening to you? Aside from here, I still feel like almost nobody's listening. You feel like you're backed up in a corner and the whole world is beating you down EVERY SINGLE DAY. It's the same "it's your fault" crap. And what's even sicker is that they have no feeling, no understanding about what they're doing. And they just don't care.
How do you deal with being used by the politicians? In this election year there's lots of cheap empty talk about oh, PTSD is terrible. We need to take it more seriously. We see families who've lost someone due to it. And while in no way do I want to dis them, it really sucks when we're being used. It's obvious that the politicians don't give a s**t about them. All that matters is getting elected and making the other party look bad.
What about male rape survivors? When was the last time you heard somebody publically talk about this? When was the last time Congress had a hearing about this? Or a debate on the Senate floor? Once a Congressional committee had a hearing about child sex abuse. But it was censored. Why? Because we just don't talk about this kind of stuff.
Which means what? It's like getting raped all over again. You don't count. You suck, you're pathetic, you're a fauilure for f*****g up and getting raped. How do you respond to this s**t without sinking down to their level?
How do you cope with the symptoms? Dissociating, adrenalin surges and more keep hitting. At times it's like a bad slasher movie hitting you. You try to focus and suddenly it comes out of nowhere. Then you don't know where you are. I go to a store and everything is magnifed. I have about a 6 foot awareness all around me. Someone's behind me and I think, what will they do? Will they jump me? How do I stop them, stab them, break their neck, etc.? Do all survivors always have this? I know that everybody recovers at different rates. But it would be nice to have one day with no symptoms.
Feel free to post comments. Anonymous ones are fine too. But please spread the world about this blog to anyone you think it might help.
Peace
sights
sounds
key words or phrases
music samples
a sudden noise and more
If these bother you, stop reading now. Otherwise, keep going and thanks for the support.
What's up? Long time no posts, I know. Sorry about that. I've been busy looking job hunting, fighting symptoms. And occasionally falling down and crying because I feel hopeless.
How are YOU doing? I realy appreciate all of you sticking with me here. Don't worry, there's NO WAY checking this out will be traced back to you. Likewise, I do everything I can to not be outed in any way. If I did out myself, I'd have serious problems.
Do you feel like anybody's listening to you? Aside from here, I still feel like almost nobody's listening. You feel like you're backed up in a corner and the whole world is beating you down EVERY SINGLE DAY. It's the same "it's your fault" crap. And what's even sicker is that they have no feeling, no understanding about what they're doing. And they just don't care.
How do you deal with being used by the politicians? In this election year there's lots of cheap empty talk about oh, PTSD is terrible. We need to take it more seriously. We see families who've lost someone due to it. And while in no way do I want to dis them, it really sucks when we're being used. It's obvious that the politicians don't give a s**t about them. All that matters is getting elected and making the other party look bad.
What about male rape survivors? When was the last time you heard somebody publically talk about this? When was the last time Congress had a hearing about this? Or a debate on the Senate floor? Once a Congressional committee had a hearing about child sex abuse. But it was censored. Why? Because we just don't talk about this kind of stuff.
Which means what? It's like getting raped all over again. You don't count. You suck, you're pathetic, you're a fauilure for f*****g up and getting raped. How do you respond to this s**t without sinking down to their level?
How do you cope with the symptoms? Dissociating, adrenalin surges and more keep hitting. At times it's like a bad slasher movie hitting you. You try to focus and suddenly it comes out of nowhere. Then you don't know where you are. I go to a store and everything is magnifed. I have about a 6 foot awareness all around me. Someone's behind me and I think, what will they do? Will they jump me? How do I stop them, stab them, break their neck, etc.? Do all survivors always have this? I know that everybody recovers at different rates. But it would be nice to have one day with no symptoms.
Feel free to post comments. Anonymous ones are fine too. But please spread the world about this blog to anyone you think it might help.
Peace
Monday, June 9, 2008
Who's Going to Listen to Me?
NOTE: This blog contains explicit content about one person's daily battle to cope with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). Where necesary, "triggers" are used to to help get key points across.
Triggers can be many things:
Sights
Sounds
Key words or phrases
colors
a loud noise
formerly favorite foods
and more
If any of these bother you, stop reading now. Otherwise, continue and thanks for your support.
Did you survive the Big Hillary Quits Speech Weekend? Now, it's down to Obama and McCain for the main two parties. But keep in mind that there are other choices as well. Libertarians, Greens, Independents. The MSM won't tolerate them speaking. But there's still time before the election. So we'll see.
Unfortunately, symptoms are still hitting hard. One minute you think you're safe. Then suddenly you're being raped again. It's like a really bad horror movie trailer. You go to a store and you feel trapped. Other people walk by you and you think, what do they really want? If he attacks me, what do I do? You drive down the road and see others looking at you. What do they really want? They're smiling. But what if they have something in the car? What do I use to stop them?
I still can't watch TV or listen to the radio for more than ten seconds at a time. Triggers are everywhere and have to be edited out all the time. For other people, they can do this in 2 seconds. But imagine if it took 2 hours? Like most other people, you have better things to do with your time. The bad part is that you have to fight back to keep a sense of balance. If you don't you'll just fall apart.
At the worst times it's like every sound, sight, color and more is magnified a million times. Nobody listens to you. Nobody cares . They keep saying, it's your fault that you got raped. So you fix it. Why then should I trust them? They smile at me. But what do they really want? Are they afraid that if they acknowledge me that they'll get raped too? I'm their worst nightmare. So f**k off and die? You stop and think, how could any "normal" person act like that? You treat others like dirt and you have no conscience or feeling at all about it.
Then you wonder, will I always have these symptoms? My therapist keeps saying that eventually you get past these. But in the meantime the whole world is saying WE DON'T LIKE YOU. WE DON'T GIVE A S**T ABOUT YOU! What are you supposed to do?
Here's a 24 hour help line for rape survivors:
1-510-845-7273
It's one of the few that I've found that have PTSD-trained counselors. And they don't judge you if you're a guy rape survivor.
If you know of another good source for help please post a comment.
Triggers can be many things:
Sights
Sounds
Key words or phrases
colors
a loud noise
formerly favorite foods
and more
If any of these bother you, stop reading now. Otherwise, continue and thanks for your support.
Did you survive the Big Hillary Quits Speech Weekend? Now, it's down to Obama and McCain for the main two parties. But keep in mind that there are other choices as well. Libertarians, Greens, Independents. The MSM won't tolerate them speaking. But there's still time before the election. So we'll see.
Unfortunately, symptoms are still hitting hard. One minute you think you're safe. Then suddenly you're being raped again. It's like a really bad horror movie trailer. You go to a store and you feel trapped. Other people walk by you and you think, what do they really want? If he attacks me, what do I do? You drive down the road and see others looking at you. What do they really want? They're smiling. But what if they have something in the car? What do I use to stop them?
I still can't watch TV or listen to the radio for more than ten seconds at a time. Triggers are everywhere and have to be edited out all the time. For other people, they can do this in 2 seconds. But imagine if it took 2 hours? Like most other people, you have better things to do with your time. The bad part is that you have to fight back to keep a sense of balance. If you don't you'll just fall apart.
At the worst times it's like every sound, sight, color and more is magnified a million times. Nobody listens to you. Nobody cares . They keep saying, it's your fault that you got raped. So you fix it. Why then should I trust them? They smile at me. But what do they really want? Are they afraid that if they acknowledge me that they'll get raped too? I'm their worst nightmare. So f**k off and die? You stop and think, how could any "normal" person act like that? You treat others like dirt and you have no conscience or feeling at all about it.
Then you wonder, will I always have these symptoms? My therapist keeps saying that eventually you get past these. But in the meantime the whole world is saying WE DON'T LIKE YOU. WE DON'T GIVE A S**T ABOUT YOU! What are you supposed to do?
Here's a 24 hour help line for rape survivors:
1-510-845-7273
It's one of the few that I've found that have PTSD-trained counselors. And they don't judge you if you're a guy rape survivor.
If you know of another good source for help please post a comment.
Friday, June 6, 2008
Getting Ht Hard
Note: This blog contains explicit content and occasional use of "triggers" where necessary to get points across. What are some examples?:
various sights and sounds
key phrases
colors
loud noises
formerly favorite foods
and more
If these bother you, stop reading now. Otherwise, keep going and thanks for the support.
Another day of getting hammered. Went out for a while and I thought I was going to snap in a store. I had to stay to get everything done and had to fight really hard to not explode. I went back home and screamed for about an hour to finally get some balance again. I do all the positive holistic things I can. And I still get this every day. But I have no choice. If I don't, I'll disappear.
I still feel like falling down and crying sometimes. Because sometimes you just don't know what to do.
various sights and sounds
key phrases
colors
loud noises
formerly favorite foods
and more
If these bother you, stop reading now. Otherwise, keep going and thanks for the support.
Another day of getting hammered. Went out for a while and I thought I was going to snap in a store. I had to stay to get everything done and had to fight really hard to not explode. I went back home and screamed for about an hour to finally get some balance again. I do all the positive holistic things I can. And I still get this every day. But I have no choice. If I don't, I'll disappear.
I still feel like falling down and crying sometimes. Because sometimes you just don't know what to do.
Thursday, June 5, 2008
Fighting to Not Lose Feeling in My Body
NOTE: This blog contains explicit content and occasional use of "triggers". These can be many things:
various sights and sounds
colors
a key word or phrase
a formerly favorite food
and others
These are only used here to help get a point across. If these bother you, stop reading now. If not, keep going and thanks for the support.
Adrenalin surges are a big problem today. With trauma, it's backed up energy with no release. You feel like you're losing feeling in various parts of your body. You're standing and you look down at your legs. But you have no feeling. Will you fall over? Will you be able to move or not?
You feel like you're losing sensation in your hands. You have to concentrate hard and literally force the feeling to come back.
Now imagine having to do this 24/7. And sometimes the harder you fight back the more your body fights back too. My therapist says that this and other symptoms are your multiples and little kids way of being heard. Sometimes dissociating happens. And I feel like I have no control over it. What do I do when all the usual grounding tricks don't work? What do I do then?
Triggers are everywhere. I have to edit everything to be on the safe side. It's like you're getting bombarded every day. And the more you fight it the more it feels like the whole world is beating you down. Right now, it feels like nobody can be bothered to listen. What do you do then?
various sights and sounds
colors
a key word or phrase
a formerly favorite food
and others
These are only used here to help get a point across. If these bother you, stop reading now. If not, keep going and thanks for the support.
Adrenalin surges are a big problem today. With trauma, it's backed up energy with no release. You feel like you're losing feeling in various parts of your body. You're standing and you look down at your legs. But you have no feeling. Will you fall over? Will you be able to move or not?
You feel like you're losing sensation in your hands. You have to concentrate hard and literally force the feeling to come back.
Now imagine having to do this 24/7. And sometimes the harder you fight back the more your body fights back too. My therapist says that this and other symptoms are your multiples and little kids way of being heard. Sometimes dissociating happens. And I feel like I have no control over it. What do I do when all the usual grounding tricks don't work? What do I do then?
Triggers are everywhere. I have to edit everything to be on the safe side. It's like you're getting bombarded every day. And the more you fight it the more it feels like the whole world is beating you down. Right now, it feels like nobody can be bothered to listen. What do you do then?
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Ready to Explode
NOTeE: This blog contains explicit content and occasional "triggers". These can be anything from sights, sounds and key words to colors that all bring back flashbacks and more. They're only used to get key points across. If these bother you, stop reading now. Otherwise, keep going and thanks for the support.
Long time no posts, I know. I've been bombarded with symptoms and trying to balance that with job hunting and more. Sometimes symptoms are so bad I feel like I'm going to black out again. Then I'll have no idea of where I am. What did I say and do? Did I hurt anybody? Sometimes I go out and I feel like I'm in Baghdad. Is it safe? What about triggers? What happens if they happen? How do I protect myself? What if I snap? The questions just won't stop and sometimes I just want to sit in the middle of the aisle and cry. Then, how do I get out of the store and back home? I stand in the checkout line and someone is about 2 feet behind me. Odds are they aren't armed. But I still think, if he attacks me, how do I stop him? What weapon can I grab? Do I have to stab him or not? I go in a restaurant and I feel like everybody is looking at me. Part of me knows they're not. But another part can't shake that fear.
I almost threw out my TV today. I was so pissed off because now that Obama is the Democratic nominee, both sides will do ANYTHING to win. Which means that nothing is going to get done between now and November. It's going to be non-stop racist crap that people will spin and bitch about. But nobody will do s**t about it, because it sells. Which means that it must be news? My intuition is screaming that I'm about 4 steps ahead of everybody else. Nobody cares. And many of those that appear to care really don't. All that matters now in this election year is book deals, lecture tours, money and power. If you really think Bush is a war criminal, why did you wait 5 months before the election to plug your book that says he is? Why didn't you do this 8 years ago?
Meanwhile, survivors with PTSD continue to be political pawns. I called several Senate offices today; Reid, Boxer, Obama and Kennedy. I left this blog's URL with Boxer and Kennedy's. Maybe they'll check this out?
My multiples and little kid are still terrified. Will anybody ever care? If they never have up until now, will anybody ever touch us or reassure us in any way? Sometimes the hypocracy is so bad I wanna kill. I won't, of course. But triggers are everywhere. So right now, everything has to be edited 24/7.
Why doesn't anybody listen? Maybe because nobody wants to face their worst nightmare: being raped and feeling like you don't exist. And on top of that, nobody gives a s**t.
Long time no posts, I know. I've been bombarded with symptoms and trying to balance that with job hunting and more. Sometimes symptoms are so bad I feel like I'm going to black out again. Then I'll have no idea of where I am. What did I say and do? Did I hurt anybody? Sometimes I go out and I feel like I'm in Baghdad. Is it safe? What about triggers? What happens if they happen? How do I protect myself? What if I snap? The questions just won't stop and sometimes I just want to sit in the middle of the aisle and cry. Then, how do I get out of the store and back home? I stand in the checkout line and someone is about 2 feet behind me. Odds are they aren't armed. But I still think, if he attacks me, how do I stop him? What weapon can I grab? Do I have to stab him or not? I go in a restaurant and I feel like everybody is looking at me. Part of me knows they're not. But another part can't shake that fear.
I almost threw out my TV today. I was so pissed off because now that Obama is the Democratic nominee, both sides will do ANYTHING to win. Which means that nothing is going to get done between now and November. It's going to be non-stop racist crap that people will spin and bitch about. But nobody will do s**t about it, because it sells. Which means that it must be news? My intuition is screaming that I'm about 4 steps ahead of everybody else. Nobody cares. And many of those that appear to care really don't. All that matters now in this election year is book deals, lecture tours, money and power. If you really think Bush is a war criminal, why did you wait 5 months before the election to plug your book that says he is? Why didn't you do this 8 years ago?
Meanwhile, survivors with PTSD continue to be political pawns. I called several Senate offices today; Reid, Boxer, Obama and Kennedy. I left this blog's URL with Boxer and Kennedy's. Maybe they'll check this out?
My multiples and little kid are still terrified. Will anybody ever care? If they never have up until now, will anybody ever touch us or reassure us in any way? Sometimes the hypocracy is so bad I wanna kill. I won't, of course. But triggers are everywhere. So right now, everything has to be edited 24/7.
Why doesn't anybody listen? Maybe because nobody wants to face their worst nightmare: being raped and feeling like you don't exist. And on top of that, nobody gives a s**t.
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