NOTe: This blog contains extreme content, language and "triggers" (sights, sounds, phrases and more) than can be very upsetting/dangerous to PTSD survivors. If this bothers you, stop reading now. If not, keep going. And please pass this blog onto anybody else it might help. Thanks.
Got up today and more of the usual symptoms. But also, a need to face everything head on. We feel like we have. But especially today it was time to do more.
So I went to therapy and we did a marathon EMDR session. In 10 months of therapy it was the hardest one we've ever done (we being myself, my multiples and little kid). My therapist had to pin me down so we didn't smash his EMDR machine and office. Murderous rage in wanting to get every person who ever treated us like s**t. We didn't ask to be raped and go thru this hell. We'll kill every m****rf*****g one of you assholes! 35 years of nobody listening and nobody caring. A little kid who gets raped more than once asks for help. And nobody can be bothered to listen or actually care. You get endlessly bombarded with abuse. Sex abuse, physical, mental and verbal all at once. You turn for help but nobody cares. You don't exist. You're "handicapped", nothing, pathetic, too f*****g sensitive and a f*****g mess. If it wasn't for me your sorry ass would have been dead a long time ago. Shut the f**k up. You're inacapable of existing on your own. Just shut up and do what the hell I say. Nobody gives a s**t about what you think, feel or say.
Now, how does a little kid surive this? Everywhere they turn it only gets worse. The little kid thinks, is the whole world like this? If nobody cares, then what do I do? Where do I go? If I go somewhere else, will they care? Or is everybody in the whole world like this? All your symptoms, rituals and other things connected with trauma continue to get worse. Also, alcoholism and other drug addicitons. Everywhere you go, it's endless God complexes and "therapists" who say the same thing. Nobody cares.
Finally we say, f*****g enough. We get off all drugs and finally find the right therapist. And now what? We've never had a family. How are orphans supposed to act? What do we do or say? Where do we go? We see little kids with their mom/dad. And they look happy. And we think, how come we can't have that? What did we do that somebody said, not for you. You don't deserve that. So instead, it's going to be endless hell for you. Nobody can be bothered to listen. What if we died tomorrow? Would anybody care? You never have. So how do we know you'd care then? Or would you say thank God that pathetic s**t's over.
We don't know what to think.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Reading Between the Lines
NOTE:
This blog contains graphic language, cotent and "triggers" (sights, sounds, phrases and more) that could possibly be upsetting to trauma survivors. If this bothers you, stop reading now. If not, keep going. And please pass this blog onto anyone else who might benefit from it. Thanks.
These days, I have to edit everything to avoid triggers. No U.S. TV (unless absolutely necessary). No radio. All my TV news is coming from abroad. In case you didn't know, many trauma survivors have a sharp sense of intuiton. In my case, I work on sharpening mine more by doing lots of exercises. Make predictions about different things (politics, football, baseball, anything). I'm not always right. But my percentage has gone up a lot. Living abroad has also helped this too. In many other countries people put more weight on the indirect. How you phrase things, the meaning behind the meaning, and so on.
Mine's telling me that in many ways, there's going to be growing pressure here in the States on many fronts. Both parties really are going to manipulate to win at all costs. Today I read online that Bill Clinton (both Clintons?) say that Obama is the "Black Candidate." Think about that for a second. Not the decent candidate, not the most qualified candidate. But the "Black Candidate." So what do we call Hillary? The Older Shrill-Sounding Rich White Woman? The MSM thrives on hype. So it must be news. What does this mean? The Presidential race is officially whites against blacks? It's only going to get worse.
With trauma, it seems like more and more people are using trauma survivors as political points. We live in a soundbite culture. So when you talk about this, it has to be easy. Nothing complicated, because the producer will say if I don't get it, the audience won't either. When a trauma survivor tries to get help, how do they cope with this? Also, the attitude of, it's your fault. You fix it. You're making this up to get back at this other person. There are many therapists who have no PTSD training and think it's all a sham. So you're telling the rape/abuse/trauma survivor that they don't matter. If you were stupid enough to get raped, then you take care of it. How does the survivor cope with this? What do they do then? In many cases it seems like it's every person for themselves. And if you're not strong enough to clean up what's your fault, then just f**k off and die. Do I bitch about my problems all the time? No. So why the hell should I listen to you?
Overall, is this connected to the growing gap between the haves and the have nots? I think it is. If you try to shake up the system in a good way, what's the common response? This is the way it's done. If you don't like it, leave. My response: I've done that. I came back. And now it looks like I'm going out again.
I go out someplace and a see a little kid with their mom and/or dad. And I think, they look happy. How come I didn't have that? Then, fear. What happens if they get abused as well? Will anybody listen to them? Nobody listened to me. And to this day nobody listens.
And I wonder if they ever will.
This blog contains graphic language, cotent and "triggers" (sights, sounds, phrases and more) that could possibly be upsetting to trauma survivors. If this bothers you, stop reading now. If not, keep going. And please pass this blog onto anyone else who might benefit from it. Thanks.
These days, I have to edit everything to avoid triggers. No U.S. TV (unless absolutely necessary). No radio. All my TV news is coming from abroad. In case you didn't know, many trauma survivors have a sharp sense of intuiton. In my case, I work on sharpening mine more by doing lots of exercises. Make predictions about different things (politics, football, baseball, anything). I'm not always right. But my percentage has gone up a lot. Living abroad has also helped this too. In many other countries people put more weight on the indirect. How you phrase things, the meaning behind the meaning, and so on.
Mine's telling me that in many ways, there's going to be growing pressure here in the States on many fronts. Both parties really are going to manipulate to win at all costs. Today I read online that Bill Clinton (both Clintons?) say that Obama is the "Black Candidate." Think about that for a second. Not the decent candidate, not the most qualified candidate. But the "Black Candidate." So what do we call Hillary? The Older Shrill-Sounding Rich White Woman? The MSM thrives on hype. So it must be news. What does this mean? The Presidential race is officially whites against blacks? It's only going to get worse.
With trauma, it seems like more and more people are using trauma survivors as political points. We live in a soundbite culture. So when you talk about this, it has to be easy. Nothing complicated, because the producer will say if I don't get it, the audience won't either. When a trauma survivor tries to get help, how do they cope with this? Also, the attitude of, it's your fault. You fix it. You're making this up to get back at this other person. There are many therapists who have no PTSD training and think it's all a sham. So you're telling the rape/abuse/trauma survivor that they don't matter. If you were stupid enough to get raped, then you take care of it. How does the survivor cope with this? What do they do then? In many cases it seems like it's every person for themselves. And if you're not strong enough to clean up what's your fault, then just f**k off and die. Do I bitch about my problems all the time? No. So why the hell should I listen to you?
Overall, is this connected to the growing gap between the haves and the have nots? I think it is. If you try to shake up the system in a good way, what's the common response? This is the way it's done. If you don't like it, leave. My response: I've done that. I came back. And now it looks like I'm going out again.
I go out someplace and a see a little kid with their mom and/or dad. And I think, they look happy. How come I didn't have that? Then, fear. What happens if they get abused as well? Will anybody listen to them? Nobody listened to me. And to this day nobody listens.
And I wonder if they ever will.
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Repeat It Often Enough and They'll Believe It
NOTE: This blog contains graphic content, language and "triggers" (sights, sounds, phrases, etc.) that can be disturbing to PTSD survivors. If this bothers you, go elsewhere. If not, thanks for reading. And please pass this blog onto anyone that you think might benefit from it.
Triggers are a big pain today. I try to be nice to my body (eat right, more sleep?, stay off junk food and more). But even with all that I still get hit with the usual symptoms. Went out to lunch today and I thought I was going to snap. Triggers were everywhere and I had to hide in the bathroom till I could focus again. Now, there's no noise. The slightest sight, sound, phrase or something else leads to a whole chain that takes forever to stop. My therapist says it's your mind/body re-learning how to act without dissociating. But everything still feels more extreme. How long does this go on? Nobody knows. Anther person suggested that maybe I should switch therapists. I told her right now there's no one else to go to. In this location with a large population (over 1 million), there's only one therapist with proper PTSD training. For now, I'll continue with my current one until it's time to stop.
Overall it seems like there's a growing trend of not dealing with reality. Here in the States, in Europe and elsewhere, it seems like there's a percentage of the population that blindly follows any authority figure. They have their nice comfortable world and say, things basically are ok. So why should I risk it? The authority figure tells them something over and over. And eventually these people believe it. What does the authority figure (insert name here) do to accomplish this? Exploit people's fears. Unemployment, illegal immigration, name an issue and they'll go for it. Why do they go for it? To maintain their money and power. If you're in control and you see a threat to said money and power, you'll crush it. Example, Dennis Kucinich. Now, some people in his district say it's one of the worst in Ohio. I don't know if that's true. But I do know that he and Mike Gravel were silenced by the neocon corporate media for telling the truth. Everybody laughs at Gravel. But would anybody dare to laugh at Hillary, Obama or Edwards? No chance. One common trait that trauma survivors have is strong intuition. Mine (strengthened by years abroad) sees the between-the-lines message. It's like stereo. On Channel 1 the words. On Channel 2, what they really mean.
Now, it's all about money and power naturally. I just heard that Obama won in South Carolina. What does this mean for Edwards? Will he continue till he gets his federal funding by Super Tuesday? Will he continue to maximize his position and then give his support to Obama in exchange for an Administration job? The neocon MSM can't wait to put Hillary in office. Meanwhile they spin all the talk about race to her advantage. The truth is there won't be a debate about race. Instead, it's a racial struggle. A lot of people who support Obama are still in the hype phase. But once it's time to vote, will they actually vote for him? It seems kind of sick frankly that in 2008 the MSM is telling women of color you must vote by either race or sex. You're not intelligent enough to pick the most qualified person? Suddenly Bill Clinton says that yes, it really is about race. And this is shocking news? I know I'm not the only person that sees the big picture. But in the big picture I really think it's this massive fear and manipulation that's going to make things worse.
Name any major issue. 9/11, child sex abuse, Eisenhower secretly meeting with aliens in 1951 in Palm Springs, CA. Think for a second. What would happen if all of these were true? It's alleged that there were pedophile orgies going in Bush I's White House. Shortly after coverage started to grow on this, it was stopped. The government literally seized all evidence and shut down all coverage. Now, what if this is true? What if 9/11 was an inside job? Would there be rioting in the streets worldwide? Would all of the people who've been saying this say, see, I told you? Or, would there be a collective sense of relief? When confronted with abuse, I've seen people literally space out to avoid it. They distort reality to fit their own warped version of it. Despite all the truth in front of them they refuse to face it. Desperate people will do and say anything they have to to survive and to protect their money/power/position. If you accept that, then what do trauma survivors do? If they're told that it's all a lie and PTSD is a figment of your imagination (just like global warming?), what do they do? It's like getting raped all over again.
Sometimes the fear hits really hard. I just stop and curl up on the floor and don't know what to do. Nobody listens, nobody cares. And what do I do? Just shut up and go freak out in the corner. Nobody wants to see your weird symptoms. Don't embarass me with this crap. And remember, weakness is not tolerated. No one cares about your s**t. You fix it. Don't expect any sympathy from me because I don't have the patience for it. My little kid and multiples keep asking, how come nobody cares? And sometimes I don't know what to say.
Triggers are a big pain today. I try to be nice to my body (eat right, more sleep?, stay off junk food and more). But even with all that I still get hit with the usual symptoms. Went out to lunch today and I thought I was going to snap. Triggers were everywhere and I had to hide in the bathroom till I could focus again. Now, there's no noise. The slightest sight, sound, phrase or something else leads to a whole chain that takes forever to stop. My therapist says it's your mind/body re-learning how to act without dissociating. But everything still feels more extreme. How long does this go on? Nobody knows. Anther person suggested that maybe I should switch therapists. I told her right now there's no one else to go to. In this location with a large population (over 1 million), there's only one therapist with proper PTSD training. For now, I'll continue with my current one until it's time to stop.
Overall it seems like there's a growing trend of not dealing with reality. Here in the States, in Europe and elsewhere, it seems like there's a percentage of the population that blindly follows any authority figure. They have their nice comfortable world and say, things basically are ok. So why should I risk it? The authority figure tells them something over and over. And eventually these people believe it. What does the authority figure (insert name here) do to accomplish this? Exploit people's fears. Unemployment, illegal immigration, name an issue and they'll go for it. Why do they go for it? To maintain their money and power. If you're in control and you see a threat to said money and power, you'll crush it. Example, Dennis Kucinich. Now, some people in his district say it's one of the worst in Ohio. I don't know if that's true. But I do know that he and Mike Gravel were silenced by the neocon corporate media for telling the truth. Everybody laughs at Gravel. But would anybody dare to laugh at Hillary, Obama or Edwards? No chance. One common trait that trauma survivors have is strong intuition. Mine (strengthened by years abroad) sees the between-the-lines message. It's like stereo. On Channel 1 the words. On Channel 2, what they really mean.
Now, it's all about money and power naturally. I just heard that Obama won in South Carolina. What does this mean for Edwards? Will he continue till he gets his federal funding by Super Tuesday? Will he continue to maximize his position and then give his support to Obama in exchange for an Administration job? The neocon MSM can't wait to put Hillary in office. Meanwhile they spin all the talk about race to her advantage. The truth is there won't be a debate about race. Instead, it's a racial struggle. A lot of people who support Obama are still in the hype phase. But once it's time to vote, will they actually vote for him? It seems kind of sick frankly that in 2008 the MSM is telling women of color you must vote by either race or sex. You're not intelligent enough to pick the most qualified person? Suddenly Bill Clinton says that yes, it really is about race. And this is shocking news? I know I'm not the only person that sees the big picture. But in the big picture I really think it's this massive fear and manipulation that's going to make things worse.
Name any major issue. 9/11, child sex abuse, Eisenhower secretly meeting with aliens in 1951 in Palm Springs, CA. Think for a second. What would happen if all of these were true? It's alleged that there were pedophile orgies going in Bush I's White House. Shortly after coverage started to grow on this, it was stopped. The government literally seized all evidence and shut down all coverage. Now, what if this is true? What if 9/11 was an inside job? Would there be rioting in the streets worldwide? Would all of the people who've been saying this say, see, I told you? Or, would there be a collective sense of relief? When confronted with abuse, I've seen people literally space out to avoid it. They distort reality to fit their own warped version of it. Despite all the truth in front of them they refuse to face it. Desperate people will do and say anything they have to to survive and to protect their money/power/position. If you accept that, then what do trauma survivors do? If they're told that it's all a lie and PTSD is a figment of your imagination (just like global warming?), what do they do? It's like getting raped all over again.
Sometimes the fear hits really hard. I just stop and curl up on the floor and don't know what to do. Nobody listens, nobody cares. And what do I do? Just shut up and go freak out in the corner. Nobody wants to see your weird symptoms. Don't embarass me with this crap. And remember, weakness is not tolerated. No one cares about your s**t. You fix it. Don't expect any sympathy from me because I don't have the patience for it. My little kid and multiples keep asking, how come nobody cares? And sometimes I don't know what to say.
Friday, January 25, 2008
It's Friday and Now What?
Another long week and symptoms are really hitting hard. What's really vicious are dissociating and nightmares. I know spicy food late at night will always do that. But now it's trauma coming out in the worst way. Everybody's out to kill you. You can't trust anybody. What does he want? He attacks me, I kill him. There's never any relief at all. My therapist says this is a perfectly normal outlet for all the trauma. But then again how often does he have these nightmares?
Then you snap awake and it's 3 a.m. You can't go back to sleep. So what do you do now? In a way, it's kind of nice to watch the morning news shows in Europe live online. Much better than the crap here in the States.
After that, more symptoms. Hypo arousal. Dissociating and some adrenalin surges too. Lately dissociating is nasty and comes out of nowhere. You literally feel like you're going to snap. You wanna tear your hair out, punch out anything/anyone next to you. And there's no relief. Are you going to snap in two? Are you going to black out like before? The rest of the world is happy and doing ok. Meanwhile you're stuck fighting this s**t every single day. But almost everyone else doesn't have time to deal with you. It's your fault so you fix it.
I still have my meetings with my multiples and my little kid. How many ways can you tell them I don't know why nobody cares. I don't know why nobody gives a s**t. How come they don't love us? Did we do something wrong? No. Then how come nobody cares? It feels like the whole bloody world couldn't care less. So what do you tell them? Dissociating hits hard and you scream and nobody listens. Are you going to snap? Are you going to kill yourself or somebody else? No. Then what do you do when you try to ground yourself and nothing works? You have no place to hide. Will you snap? Will people around you freak out and run away? Sometimes it feels like there's a short and the dissociating can't be controlled. Now though I think it's re-learning behavior. It becomes second nature and then suddenly you stop. And your body/mind fight back. It's like watching a slide show. Want this fantasy to disappear in? No. Okay, try this one. No. And it keeps going. In the past you couldn't tell the difference between fantasy and reality. You'd try to jump out of it and you couldn't do it. For others it's a split second process. But for me, it used to take literally hours to do.
One good thing about this? I can now see old dissociating patterns more clearly and know when to fight back. But every single day. No break. Will I always have this? My therapist keeps saying no. But at times I wonder. I try to compartmentalize anger at all the assholes that treated me like s**t. How do you turn off 35 years of 24/7 abuse? There's the fear that you'll literally disappear. And then you'll just be an empty shell forever. When you fight back against this you have to fight back really hard. If not, it's like just falling apart and being raped all over again. And I refuse to do that.
Am I the only one that sees what's really going on? I know I'm not. But my intuition reads between the lines and I have very little patience for this s**t. I told my therapist if a neocon wins in November I'm emigrating. I don't care if I have to go underground and be a political refugee forever. It's looking more and more like the neocons will use the same tools (whip up fear of terrorists, a recession, etc.) to get people to say, a person of color as President? I don't think so. With Kucinich beign crushed by the neocon MSM, how can you NOT say that all this s**t doesn't affect you personally?
It's really hard to trust people when you hear them say one thing and your intution hears something different. Sometimes I think, is there a PTSD recovery center somewhere I can go to? Maybe kind of like Crossroads in Antigua for addicts? Of course that's for really rich people who don't have to worry about minor things like health insurance. If we have the greatest health care system in the world, why are people dying in ER hallways? Corporations continue to hire illegal immigrants. They treat them like dogs and pay them almost nothing. But if they get sick, f**k them. Let 'em die. Nobody cares. So the slave class keeps right on going.
It would be nice to have one day symptom-free. Is that too much to ask?
Then you snap awake and it's 3 a.m. You can't go back to sleep. So what do you do now? In a way, it's kind of nice to watch the morning news shows in Europe live online. Much better than the crap here in the States.
After that, more symptoms. Hypo arousal. Dissociating and some adrenalin surges too. Lately dissociating is nasty and comes out of nowhere. You literally feel like you're going to snap. You wanna tear your hair out, punch out anything/anyone next to you. And there's no relief. Are you going to snap in two? Are you going to black out like before? The rest of the world is happy and doing ok. Meanwhile you're stuck fighting this s**t every single day. But almost everyone else doesn't have time to deal with you. It's your fault so you fix it.
I still have my meetings with my multiples and my little kid. How many ways can you tell them I don't know why nobody cares. I don't know why nobody gives a s**t. How come they don't love us? Did we do something wrong? No. Then how come nobody cares? It feels like the whole bloody world couldn't care less. So what do you tell them? Dissociating hits hard and you scream and nobody listens. Are you going to snap? Are you going to kill yourself or somebody else? No. Then what do you do when you try to ground yourself and nothing works? You have no place to hide. Will you snap? Will people around you freak out and run away? Sometimes it feels like there's a short and the dissociating can't be controlled. Now though I think it's re-learning behavior. It becomes second nature and then suddenly you stop. And your body/mind fight back. It's like watching a slide show. Want this fantasy to disappear in? No. Okay, try this one. No. And it keeps going. In the past you couldn't tell the difference between fantasy and reality. You'd try to jump out of it and you couldn't do it. For others it's a split second process. But for me, it used to take literally hours to do.
One good thing about this? I can now see old dissociating patterns more clearly and know when to fight back. But every single day. No break. Will I always have this? My therapist keeps saying no. But at times I wonder. I try to compartmentalize anger at all the assholes that treated me like s**t. How do you turn off 35 years of 24/7 abuse? There's the fear that you'll literally disappear. And then you'll just be an empty shell forever. When you fight back against this you have to fight back really hard. If not, it's like just falling apart and being raped all over again. And I refuse to do that.
Am I the only one that sees what's really going on? I know I'm not. But my intuition reads between the lines and I have very little patience for this s**t. I told my therapist if a neocon wins in November I'm emigrating. I don't care if I have to go underground and be a political refugee forever. It's looking more and more like the neocons will use the same tools (whip up fear of terrorists, a recession, etc.) to get people to say, a person of color as President? I don't think so. With Kucinich beign crushed by the neocon MSM, how can you NOT say that all this s**t doesn't affect you personally?
It's really hard to trust people when you hear them say one thing and your intution hears something different. Sometimes I think, is there a PTSD recovery center somewhere I can go to? Maybe kind of like Crossroads in Antigua for addicts? Of course that's for really rich people who don't have to worry about minor things like health insurance. If we have the greatest health care system in the world, why are people dying in ER hallways? Corporations continue to hire illegal immigrants. They treat them like dogs and pay them almost nothing. But if they get sick, f**k them. Let 'em die. Nobody cares. So the slave class keeps right on going.
It would be nice to have one day symptom-free. Is that too much to ask?
Monday, January 21, 2008
Everything Feels Empty
NOTE: This blog contains graphic content, language and "triggers"(sights, words, etc.). These can be harmful to PTSD survivors. If this is you then go elsewhere. Otherwise, please keep reading and thanks for your support.
Everything feels really empty right now. I still have all the symptoms (hyper and hypo arousal, dissociating, adrenalin surges, weakness all over that sometimes feels like MS). Dissociating is really harsh to deal with. PTSD survivors dissociate as a survival mechanism to cope. But when you do this for a long time, it becomes second nature. Then suddenly you try to stop it, and your body/mind fight back. Sometimes it feels like the more you do, the rougher it gets. You feel like tearing your hair out, you scream and punch out the nearest thing. And it still hits you. Now imagine this 24/7. My therapist says it's the flip side of horrible PTSD for 35 years now coming out. But every day you feel like you're getting hammered. And, nobody wants to deal with you.
Triggers are everywhere. Can't watch TV, can't listen to any music. Every sight, sound, color, comment, noise and more have to be edited. If you miss one, then a whole vicious chain of other triggers, dissociating and more happens. Many times this happens in a crowded place with no place to hide. So you try to focus, ground yourself and not explode. But it doesn't always work. What do you do then? Nobody wants to be around you or deal with your weird s**t. Go freak out in the corner, you're scaring my kids. I have no patience for your s**t. You fix it.
Sometimes the fear paralyzes you. You curl up on the floor and can't move. The terror is everywhere. And nobody cares and can't be bothered to waste their valuable time listening to your stupid ass problems that you're to blame for. What the f**k is this? You're a guy that was stupid enough to get raped in the ass more than once? Don't come near me. You deal with it. Weakness is not allowed. No concern, no feelings, no actual human touch/reassurance of any kind. Instead, you f****d up so you fix it. I don't have the time or the patience to be bothered with this s**t. What the f**k's wrong with you?
I scream, I cry. At times I literally feel like I'll snap in two. But if you show any weakness the other guy will f**k you over every time. So you strike first and take what you want. And if they're not strong enough to deal with this then f**k them. Let 'em die.
Right now I feel like a POW. My therapist says that this is a common theme among trauma victims/survivors. But will I always feel like this?
Everything feels really empty right now. I still have all the symptoms (hyper and hypo arousal, dissociating, adrenalin surges, weakness all over that sometimes feels like MS). Dissociating is really harsh to deal with. PTSD survivors dissociate as a survival mechanism to cope. But when you do this for a long time, it becomes second nature. Then suddenly you try to stop it, and your body/mind fight back. Sometimes it feels like the more you do, the rougher it gets. You feel like tearing your hair out, you scream and punch out the nearest thing. And it still hits you. Now imagine this 24/7. My therapist says it's the flip side of horrible PTSD for 35 years now coming out. But every day you feel like you're getting hammered. And, nobody wants to deal with you.
Triggers are everywhere. Can't watch TV, can't listen to any music. Every sight, sound, color, comment, noise and more have to be edited. If you miss one, then a whole vicious chain of other triggers, dissociating and more happens. Many times this happens in a crowded place with no place to hide. So you try to focus, ground yourself and not explode. But it doesn't always work. What do you do then? Nobody wants to be around you or deal with your weird s**t. Go freak out in the corner, you're scaring my kids. I have no patience for your s**t. You fix it.
Sometimes the fear paralyzes you. You curl up on the floor and can't move. The terror is everywhere. And nobody cares and can't be bothered to waste their valuable time listening to your stupid ass problems that you're to blame for. What the f**k is this? You're a guy that was stupid enough to get raped in the ass more than once? Don't come near me. You deal with it. Weakness is not allowed. No concern, no feelings, no actual human touch/reassurance of any kind. Instead, you f****d up so you fix it. I don't have the time or the patience to be bothered with this s**t. What the f**k's wrong with you?
I scream, I cry. At times I literally feel like I'll snap in two. But if you show any weakness the other guy will f**k you over every time. So you strike first and take what you want. And if they're not strong enough to deal with this then f**k them. Let 'em die.
Right now I feel like a POW. My therapist says that this is a common theme among trauma victims/survivors. But will I always feel like this?
Saturday, January 19, 2008
Everything is Really Raw
NOTE: This blog contains graphic language, content and "triggers" (words, images, etc.) that could be upsetting to PTSD survivors. If these bother you, stop reading now. Otherwise, please continue and thanks for the support.
It's a really raw and vunerable time. Everything feels magnified and dangerous. Every sight, sound is a trigger that can set off a chain reaction of symptoms. Three days ago I stopped watching U.S. neocon TV. It's too bizarre to deal with. So I said, fine. You don't like me so I'll turn you off. For my news I go to intl. sources. Music I don't listen to right now because it's full of triggers. Which makes going out a challenge. It's like doing security: is this place safe or not? What happens if my symptoms flare up? What do I do then?
Everything is really harsh: hyper and hypoarousal. Physical flashbacks. Triggers. Sometimes I feel like I'm literally going to snap in two. This morning hyperarousal was horrible. It took almost an hour of screaming and fighting to focus so I could come back and wake up. If I don't do that I'm afraid I'll literally fall apart and be comatose.
Dissociating is a never ending battle. It's like it becomes a second nature survival mechanism to deal with being raped and then nobody caring at all. Now when you fight to stop that your body/mind fight back. Sometimes it's like being beaten down all day long. So imagine dealing with that AND all your other daily things. But also remember nobody listening or caring. It's taken me 20 years to find a therapist who's actually qualified in treating PTSD. Another person told me, consider yourself lucky. I agree that I am. But also, I told her how f****d up is this? In a city of 1.5 million people there's ONE person that can do this and doesn't give you an insurance runaround. When it feels like nobody listens, cares or is qualified to deal with this, what's a survivor supposed to do? It goes back to the old you deal with it. Nobody wants to listen to what's fake anyway. So stop wasting my time and get on with it.
Aside from all the holistic things I do, I use lots of White Chestnut flower essence drops every day. It helps to re-align your chi so symptoms can be easier to deal with. But even with that I'm scared. Sometimes I just curl up on my couch and everything's terrifying. The fear paralyzes you and you don't know what to do. My therapist says this is all connected to such horrible severe PTSD stress finally coming out. At times though I don't know what to do. Dissociating is really nasty. I'm not going to fall back into that and all the rituals that built up in the past from that. I really feel like a POW sometimes. Nobody listens or cares. So you say, treat me like s**t, treat me like f*****g dirt. But I will never just roll over, die and give you the satisfaction of saying, see, I told you he was f*****g pathetic. Screw that.
It's a really raw and vunerable time. Everything feels magnified and dangerous. Every sight, sound is a trigger that can set off a chain reaction of symptoms. Three days ago I stopped watching U.S. neocon TV. It's too bizarre to deal with. So I said, fine. You don't like me so I'll turn you off. For my news I go to intl. sources. Music I don't listen to right now because it's full of triggers. Which makes going out a challenge. It's like doing security: is this place safe or not? What happens if my symptoms flare up? What do I do then?
Everything is really harsh: hyper and hypoarousal. Physical flashbacks. Triggers. Sometimes I feel like I'm literally going to snap in two. This morning hyperarousal was horrible. It took almost an hour of screaming and fighting to focus so I could come back and wake up. If I don't do that I'm afraid I'll literally fall apart and be comatose.
Dissociating is a never ending battle. It's like it becomes a second nature survival mechanism to deal with being raped and then nobody caring at all. Now when you fight to stop that your body/mind fight back. Sometimes it's like being beaten down all day long. So imagine dealing with that AND all your other daily things. But also remember nobody listening or caring. It's taken me 20 years to find a therapist who's actually qualified in treating PTSD. Another person told me, consider yourself lucky. I agree that I am. But also, I told her how f****d up is this? In a city of 1.5 million people there's ONE person that can do this and doesn't give you an insurance runaround. When it feels like nobody listens, cares or is qualified to deal with this, what's a survivor supposed to do? It goes back to the old you deal with it. Nobody wants to listen to what's fake anyway. So stop wasting my time and get on with it.
Aside from all the holistic things I do, I use lots of White Chestnut flower essence drops every day. It helps to re-align your chi so symptoms can be easier to deal with. But even with that I'm scared. Sometimes I just curl up on my couch and everything's terrifying. The fear paralyzes you and you don't know what to do. My therapist says this is all connected to such horrible severe PTSD stress finally coming out. At times though I don't know what to do. Dissociating is really nasty. I'm not going to fall back into that and all the rituals that built up in the past from that. I really feel like a POW sometimes. Nobody listens or cares. So you say, treat me like s**t, treat me like f*****g dirt. But I will never just roll over, die and give you the satisfaction of saying, see, I told you he was f*****g pathetic. Screw that.
Friday, January 11, 2008
Imagine Everything Magnified X1,000
NOTE: This blog contains graphic language, content and "triggers" (words, phrases etc.) that can be upsetting to PTSD survivors. If this bothers you, stop reading now. Otherwise, keep reading and I hope this is helpful.
Finally Friday. I thought about going out for a while. But instead I'll stay in and kick back online for a while.
I went to therapy yesterday and we talked about how extreme my symptoms are right now. It feels like I got back from Iraq. Everything is magnified to the nth degree. Every sight, sound, color, noise are all dangerous. I see someone behind me and instantly think, how do I stop them? It's like my intuition is aware of everything around me. If there are others it's who do I get first? Odds are they won't all jump me at once. But I still feel on guard. If somebody says something to me, what do they really mean? I hear words but my intuition is reading between the lines. And sometimes I think to myself, why are you wasting my time? You don't give a s**t about me. You only want to borrow $200.
Triggers are everywhere. So these days I rarely listen to any music or watch any TV. Neocon mainstream TV is a waste of time. Everything is the same and it's all lies. I hear words being said. But the indirect message is we don't give a f**k about you. We can do and say anything we want. If you don't like it, turn it off or cancel your subscription. So I did. I find I get more accurate news from abroad then here in the States.
When dissociating or adrenalin surges hit, I feel like I'm going to snap. There's a lot of rage and I wonder sometimes why I don't just go off and attack everybody I see. At times I feel like I'm losing strength and tactile sensation in different parts of my body. I wake up in the morning and literally have to fight to actually feel my body. Sometimes I'm afraid that I'll open my eyes and not have any sensation from the neck down. Do I have MS or some other problem plus the PTSD? My therapist agrees that it's more backed up horrible trauma coming out. The bad part about PTSD is that trauma coming out can and usually is misdiagnosed in many ways. Not all but many therapist don't think that PTSD is real. It's fake and they can't be bothered to deal with it.
Most of the candidates are still using it as a political football. PTSD survivors are not just numbers in some govt. study that can spun in any way you see fit to get you elected. These are real people that didn't ask to be shot at, raped, assaulted or whatever. Edwards says he's for comprehensive treatment for returning vets and others with PTSD. But it's interesting that aside from vets (who obviously need help), anybody else with PTSD is off-limits. Is it because it'll cost you the election? Or it because people just can't be bothered in dealing with this? It's the old we just don't talk about this stuff. But in this case on a national level. Does he realize that his wife while dealing with cancer could also be suffering from PTSD as well? Patients who are dealing with serious illnesses or who are in remission can and do have PTSD symptoms.
Aside from therapy and here, I never talk about PTSD, symptoms or anything else unless I see some benefit in doing it. One reason is because unfortunately there's massive denial right now in the States. Name any subject from 9/11 to Iraq and more. If the average person thinks that they're basically doing all right, they refuse to see anything beyond that. What if they woke up one day and all of their worst fears had come true? 9/11 was an inside job. The U.S. and Israel have been conducting terrorist attacks in Iran for at least a year to de-stabilize that government. In the 1930's, millions of Mexicans and Mexican/American citizens were forcibly deported to Mexico. In almost 80 years this is never talked about in schools or in public. I heard about it in Canada. How come none of the candidates talk about this? Because that will cost them the election. It could put a human face on illegal immigration (instead of fanning racism). But money and power come first, and the truth is second.
And for many PTSD survivors this feeling of it's your fault so you fix it is still there. You get assualted, attacked or some trauma happens to you. You ask for help and what's the constant message? It's your fault so you fix it. You're not entitled to have any feelings, thoughts or concerns that all trauma survivors have. Weakness is not tolerated. Don't expect any sympathy from us because you won't get it. I don't bitch all the time about my problems. So why the hell should I waste my time listening to your stupid s**t? What's a survivor supposed to do? It's like getting assaulted all over again.
It's sad that this every person for themselves attitude is growing so quickly. But more and more, here in the States the gap between the haves and the have nots grows bigger and bigger. And it's like if you're stupid enough to get raped then just f**k off. Nobody cares.
How do you cope with this?
Finally Friday. I thought about going out for a while. But instead I'll stay in and kick back online for a while.
I went to therapy yesterday and we talked about how extreme my symptoms are right now. It feels like I got back from Iraq. Everything is magnified to the nth degree. Every sight, sound, color, noise are all dangerous. I see someone behind me and instantly think, how do I stop them? It's like my intuition is aware of everything around me. If there are others it's who do I get first? Odds are they won't all jump me at once. But I still feel on guard. If somebody says something to me, what do they really mean? I hear words but my intuition is reading between the lines. And sometimes I think to myself, why are you wasting my time? You don't give a s**t about me. You only want to borrow $200.
Triggers are everywhere. So these days I rarely listen to any music or watch any TV. Neocon mainstream TV is a waste of time. Everything is the same and it's all lies. I hear words being said. But the indirect message is we don't give a f**k about you. We can do and say anything we want. If you don't like it, turn it off or cancel your subscription. So I did. I find I get more accurate news from abroad then here in the States.
When dissociating or adrenalin surges hit, I feel like I'm going to snap. There's a lot of rage and I wonder sometimes why I don't just go off and attack everybody I see. At times I feel like I'm losing strength and tactile sensation in different parts of my body. I wake up in the morning and literally have to fight to actually feel my body. Sometimes I'm afraid that I'll open my eyes and not have any sensation from the neck down. Do I have MS or some other problem plus the PTSD? My therapist agrees that it's more backed up horrible trauma coming out. The bad part about PTSD is that trauma coming out can and usually is misdiagnosed in many ways. Not all but many therapist don't think that PTSD is real. It's fake and they can't be bothered to deal with it.
Most of the candidates are still using it as a political football. PTSD survivors are not just numbers in some govt. study that can spun in any way you see fit to get you elected. These are real people that didn't ask to be shot at, raped, assaulted or whatever. Edwards says he's for comprehensive treatment for returning vets and others with PTSD. But it's interesting that aside from vets (who obviously need help), anybody else with PTSD is off-limits. Is it because it'll cost you the election? Or it because people just can't be bothered in dealing with this? It's the old we just don't talk about this stuff. But in this case on a national level. Does he realize that his wife while dealing with cancer could also be suffering from PTSD as well? Patients who are dealing with serious illnesses or who are in remission can and do have PTSD symptoms.
Aside from therapy and here, I never talk about PTSD, symptoms or anything else unless I see some benefit in doing it. One reason is because unfortunately there's massive denial right now in the States. Name any subject from 9/11 to Iraq and more. If the average person thinks that they're basically doing all right, they refuse to see anything beyond that. What if they woke up one day and all of their worst fears had come true? 9/11 was an inside job. The U.S. and Israel have been conducting terrorist attacks in Iran for at least a year to de-stabilize that government. In the 1930's, millions of Mexicans and Mexican/American citizens were forcibly deported to Mexico. In almost 80 years this is never talked about in schools or in public. I heard about it in Canada. How come none of the candidates talk about this? Because that will cost them the election. It could put a human face on illegal immigration (instead of fanning racism). But money and power come first, and the truth is second.
And for many PTSD survivors this feeling of it's your fault so you fix it is still there. You get assualted, attacked or some trauma happens to you. You ask for help and what's the constant message? It's your fault so you fix it. You're not entitled to have any feelings, thoughts or concerns that all trauma survivors have. Weakness is not tolerated. Don't expect any sympathy from us because you won't get it. I don't bitch all the time about my problems. So why the hell should I waste my time listening to your stupid s**t? What's a survivor supposed to do? It's like getting assaulted all over again.
It's sad that this every person for themselves attitude is growing so quickly. But more and more, here in the States the gap between the haves and the have nots grows bigger and bigger. And it's like if you're stupid enough to get raped then just f**k off. Nobody cares.
How do you cope with this?
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Symptoms Are Really Rough Right Now
NOTE: This blog contains graphic content, language and "triggers." These are sights, sounds, etc. that can be upsetting to PTSD survivors. If these bother you, stop reading now. Otherwise, continue and thanks for checking this out.
It's almost Friday. And my symptoms are really bad right now. Adrenalin surges are the worst. I try to do lots of holistic things (exercise, diet, more sleep) in addition to therapy. But despite all that I still at times feel like I'm losing strength and feeling all over. My therapist says it's the severe PTSD trauma coming out at various times. When it does right now it's really severe. Other traditional MD's usually misdiagnose this in many ways (everything from MS to fibromyalgia). At times I feel like I'm going to literally snap. I jump up out of bed in the middle of the night and stumble around in the dark screaming and not knowing where I am. The last time that happened I didn't sleep for about two days.Will I ever get a break?
It's almost Friday. And my symptoms are really bad right now. Adrenalin surges are the worst. I try to do lots of holistic things (exercise, diet, more sleep) in addition to therapy. But despite all that I still at times feel like I'm losing strength and feeling all over. My therapist says it's the severe PTSD trauma coming out at various times. When it does right now it's really severe. Other traditional MD's usually misdiagnose this in many ways (everything from MS to fibromyalgia). At times I feel like I'm going to literally snap. I jump up out of bed in the middle of the night and stumble around in the dark screaming and not knowing where I am. The last time that happened I didn't sleep for about two days.Will I ever get a break?
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
Night thoughts for you
NOTE: This blog contains graphic content, language and "triggers"(words, sounds and more) that can be upsetting to PTSD survivors. If these bother you, stop reading now. Otherwise, keep going and thanks for checking us out.
How's your week going? Hillary won in New Hampshire, or did she? There's talk that there was vote tampering (along with everything else going on). How will it end? Personally I'm staying away from all MSM (mainstream medai) as much as possible. You object to one of their neocon guests or content and they censor you. Ok, I'll stop watching.
I still have the usual PTSD symptoms. Hyper arousal and adrenalin surges are still happening at the worst times. Also, the backed up trauma is paralyzing at times. One minute you think you're ok. Then you curl up in the corner and literally can't move. I'll see my therapist tomorrow. He says it's more horrible trauma finally coming out.
Sometimes I wonder, will I snap? I'm in a crowded place and then what? Everything is dangerous. Every sight, every sound and every comment. What do they really mean by that? Is he going to kill me? What do I do? I'm always running thru ways to stop people like that. Out of nowhere flashbacks happen and what do you do then? Sometimes I don't know where I am. I really have to focus and fight hard to not dissociate and just fall apart. Imagine having to do that every single day.
I know I'm not the only one dealing with this. But with the election coming up I hear the candidates (except Richardson who dropped out today) say PTSD is a mental illness. Oh really? I know lots of therapists who disagree with that. Some even think that PTSD is fake. How then do you think that survivors feel? It's like being shot at or raped all over again. Then, part of it is the old pull-yourself-up bit. Do you see me bitching all the time about my problems? Of course not. So why the hell do I have to listen to your s**t all the time? Get it together. Stop being a victim. I never f*****g asked to be a victim. It amazes me that so many people will say this to you with a straight face. It's your fault so you fix it. I asked to be raped by a psycho gay pedophile a*****e? And the other part of that? They don't care. Your thoughts, feelings and concerns don't matter. Then why am I wasting my time talking to you?
Sometimes I'm tempted to confront one of the candidates and press them on dealing with PTSD in a realistic way. But what good would that do? Right now, outing myself is the last thing I need. So instead I'll work from behind the scenes.
How's your week going? Hillary won in New Hampshire, or did she? There's talk that there was vote tampering (along with everything else going on). How will it end? Personally I'm staying away from all MSM (mainstream medai) as much as possible. You object to one of their neocon guests or content and they censor you. Ok, I'll stop watching.
I still have the usual PTSD symptoms. Hyper arousal and adrenalin surges are still happening at the worst times. Also, the backed up trauma is paralyzing at times. One minute you think you're ok. Then you curl up in the corner and literally can't move. I'll see my therapist tomorrow. He says it's more horrible trauma finally coming out.
Sometimes I wonder, will I snap? I'm in a crowded place and then what? Everything is dangerous. Every sight, every sound and every comment. What do they really mean by that? Is he going to kill me? What do I do? I'm always running thru ways to stop people like that. Out of nowhere flashbacks happen and what do you do then? Sometimes I don't know where I am. I really have to focus and fight hard to not dissociate and just fall apart. Imagine having to do that every single day.
I know I'm not the only one dealing with this. But with the election coming up I hear the candidates (except Richardson who dropped out today) say PTSD is a mental illness. Oh really? I know lots of therapists who disagree with that. Some even think that PTSD is fake. How then do you think that survivors feel? It's like being shot at or raped all over again. Then, part of it is the old pull-yourself-up bit. Do you see me bitching all the time about my problems? Of course not. So why the hell do I have to listen to your s**t all the time? Get it together. Stop being a victim. I never f*****g asked to be a victim. It amazes me that so many people will say this to you with a straight face. It's your fault so you fix it. I asked to be raped by a psycho gay pedophile a*****e? And the other part of that? They don't care. Your thoughts, feelings and concerns don't matter. Then why am I wasting my time talking to you?
Sometimes I'm tempted to confront one of the candidates and press them on dealing with PTSD in a realistic way. But what good would that do? Right now, outing myself is the last thing I need. So instead I'll work from behind the scenes.
Almost there
NOTE: This blog contains graphic language, content and "triggers" (sights, sounds, words, etc.) that can be scary to PTSD survivors. If this bothers you, read at your own risk. Otherwise, thanks for the support and keep going.
Here's the rest of the best from the previous blog:
Sunday, June 17, 2007
Raw PTSD Stuff
It's almost one week into the new gluten-free diet. Has it helped some with PTSD symptoms (dissociating, adrenalin surges and others)? Somewhat. But the bad part is if you don't dissociate then you literally feel like what is there?You're always on guard and feel like something's just around the corner. Something is going to happen to f**k up any feeling of happiness you may have that particular day. Maybe you're thinking, but no dissociating is a good thing. Why is that hard to handle? It's tough because imagine it's a survival tool that you use 24/7 for 35 years. Every single day is a non-stop battle to deal with this and somehow get thru the day. You lose job, relationships, and people give you non-stop s**t. And what's worse? One, many of these people laugh in your face and just don't f*****g care. Two, after a period of time it becomes second nature (does that make sense?).Then suddenly you start the proper therapy, diet and overall routine to help yourself heal. Suddenly that "security" is gone. And then you think, what do I do now?
Every day there's terror and a feeling that something's going to happen. Something's going to f**k this up. And then what do you do when you literally feel like there's nothing?Yesterday I was thinking about finding the new job, moving on and more. I thought, what if I just go? Scan all the important stuff into my PC, sell the rest, pack up my car and just drive? Where would I go? I've been homeless twice and done my time in business hotels, temporary apartments I had to lie to get into, crashing at friend's places, etc. If you go and you find a new place that's one thing. But experience has shown what if you don't? Where do I go then? And NOT feel like PTSD has totally f****d up any chance of doing what I want to do.My therapist says that over time you move past this. But sometimes I really wonder....
Friday, June 22, 2007
How Do You Cope?
Back to a tough morning. Really bad hyperarousal and now hypoarousal. Everything feels like a struggle. There's dissociating that's hard to fight and it just feels like a huge drain.Sometimes I'm really scared. Are you scarred for life if you have severe PTSD? One minute you feel like you can concentrate. Then suddenly dissociating starts and trying to ground yourself again doesn't work. What do you do now? You're trying to have a good day and actually get things done. But then this happens and it takes an hour to focus again. Or maybe you go out somewhere and you have to turn back and go home because dissociating is so bad. You'd like just one day when you can be free of all this s**t. But I wonder if that will ever happen?
Friday, July 13, 2007
Very Rough TIme
Today's been a REAL BATTLE. Got practically no sleep last night which made all my PTSD symptoms flare up. Then EVERYTHING took a HUGE amount of energy. My fight-or-flight response is still stuck and that really slows things down. A small action (like don't listen or do that) takes forever to get thru.My fears are hard to handle at times.
The PTSD was so bad that it royally f****d me out of a lot of important things that most people take for granted. Your senior prom. Lots of hot relationships. Not getting left behind others (in personal and business things). The PTSD makes you feel like you're watching your body from the outside. You know that something's wrong. But no matter how hard you try nobody listens to you and nobody cares. Then sometimes you think; will it always be like this? Am I always going to be cheated out of what's important to me and what makes me happy? Then if you try to share your concern with someone else the response is f**k off. Nobody gives a s**t about you. You see people (family, maybe some friends) that you think will be there for you. But it doesn't happen. And then you feel like, do I have a family at all? Am I a f*****g orphan in the world?My therapist says that because your PTSD has been so severe, now you have the flip side of it. Sometimes the anger and stress is so bad I worry. Am I going to snap? It's like Jack Nicholsen walking down the street in "The Last Detail." F*************************K!!!!!!!!! Am I going to disappear and then one of my multiples (or maybe more than one?) will take over?
I'm afraid to go to sleep at night. In the morning I scream and try to force myself to fight thru the hyperarousal. Then later when I finally feel awake the hypoarousal starts. And it's like an endless cycle. I still have the physical flashbacks of getting b**t f****d in the ass over and over. And nobody is there to help and nobody gives a s**t. What if I get raped AND killed? Would you THEN give a shit?Am I always going to have to have multiple personality conference meetings? It helps but after a certain point you have to say enough. But in the meantime if you try to talk about it to others (family or a handful of friends) nobody has patience for it. It freaks me out. So just shut up. I'm f*****g dying here and have freaking horrible P**D! I need help! But nobody cares because it's YOUR fault. You f****d up. So goddamnit fix it! Don't expect any sympathy from me for your freaky pathetic s**t. I don't have the time or patience for it. So f**k off.
Sometimes I just sit and cry because I don't know what else to do.
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Let's Talk About EMDR
Sorry to be away for a while. Busy with the new job search, dealing with PTSD symptoms and not letting my fears get to me. Hyper and hypoarousal are still big problems. I'm almost 3 weeks into the gluten free diet. It's helped some. But adrenalin surges are still a problem at the worst times.
But as promised a long time ago let's talk about EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing). There's a lot of ignorance about this and lack of effort from those qualified to do this. So let's clear this up.In basic terms, EMDR is a way to release trauma (energy) that is trapped in different parts of your brain and body. This can be misdiagnosed as many different things. Over many years I was labeled as having everything from Tourette's to MS to schitzophrenia and more. It can also cause problems because you can feel like you're losing control over your body. You literally can lose feeling in different parts and feel like you're body is disappearing. My therapist recently told me that he's amazed that despite my horrible PTSD and the symptoms I have I'm still here.When EMDR is used the therapist uses a light strip (think a strip of runway lights) in stages to talk about different areas of your trauma. It's not a drug trip or sinister in any way. Instead your following the light patterns with your eyes can help to begin to release the trauma. Is it an instant cure? No. How long does EMDR therapy take? It depends on how severe the trauma is.I've been using it and cognitive (talk) therapy for almost three months now. Has it helped? In some ways yes. I'm starting to have a better understanding of overall how horrible PTSD and being raped repeatedly was. But once you stop avoiding years of trauma and abuse then suddenly the opposite happens. Now it's terrifying to not feel like you want to punch out everyone you meet. Everyday it's hyperarousal, hypoarousal and constant fighting to not feel like you're losing control of your body. Will I ever get over this? At times I'm not sure.It's really sad that there's still a big therapist bias against using EMDR in many places. In my area I had to go thru 5 or 6 different people before I finally found someone who's EMDR qualified AND who actually listens to you. The others don't have the certification and can't be bothered with insurance hassles. Meanwhile before I found my current therapist I was battling all this stuff every day.
Here in the States the government and some therapists only connect PTSD with vets. While they have a real PTSD problem there are many others who have it too. One estimate says that up to 60% of the U.S. population has PTSD, but either doesn't know it or refuses to deal with it. Also, with all the holistic things I do for my health, I STILL can't get health insurance from the major carriers because of "pre-existing" conditions WHICH I NO LONGER HAVE. So I'm being punished for being pro-active in my health care. Which you WOULD think would help to save money and improve the system overall. But the opposite is true.I'm scared to go to sleep at night. If I'm lucky to get any sleep at all the nightmares happen. The flashbacks of being raped again come back. And then the next day the cycle keeps on going.
Monday, August 13, 2007
We're Not Just Stats
Happy Monday.
Seems like the whole world is on vacation except me :). But also with Iraq and Afghanistan still going on, nobody's thinking about the overall picture. Over a million civilians killed, two million are in exile. And the horrible effects of PTSD are on an unimaginable scale.You have to remember; when trauma happens to you ONLY once, it affects you forever. If you're a little kid it's even worse because their bodies and neural connections are still growing. I've had it for 35 years. And I wonder if I'll ever get past this.The health care system in the States doesn't care about treating people with PTSD. Yes there are lots of other conditions that need treatment as well. But with PTSD, many doctors and therapists either don't have the proper training or they think it's a dodge. They can't be bothered with it.
What does that do for people who really need help? How would you feel if you treated as just a number that politicians use to win elections? Or the media uses as a sound bite? I find that most people can't be bothered with dealing with this. But then some say it's YOUR fault. So YOU fix it. How f****d up is that?I wonder when people will wake up to this?
Sunday, August 12, 2007
Time to Catch Up
Sorry for the break. It's been busy with a lot of stuff. EMDR/cognitive session, looking for the new job. Dealing with brutal PTSD symptoms (hyper and hypoarousal, dissociating, physical flashbacks and more). And it's a rough cycle to deal with.Lately hyperarousal is really nasty in the morning. I end up screaming and fighting to wake up and focus. After that hypoarousal and the other stuff kicks in. My therapist says that unfortunately it's going to get worse before it gets better. Big surprise :)?
If I go out into a crowded place everything is magnified X100. Every sound, sight, phrase and noise makes me think, am I going to be jumped? What do I do? I'm really fighting dissociating hard because if I don't, I feel like I'm going to disappear. Time gets altered and you feel like you're watching outside your own body (common PTSD symptoms).I still have A LOT OF ANGER at various people that treated me like s**t. The physical flashbacks of being raped again still come at the worst times. It's really scary when you're in a crowded place and this happens. You try to ground yourself and say, I'm safe. This isn't real. But sometimes no matter how hard you try this it doesn't work. And if there's no place to temporarily escape, what do you do then?Hyper-sharp intuition is a common thing for survivors to have. My prediction percentage isn't perfect. But it has gotten better. Sometimes I listen to someone talk and it's like a movie with subititles. I hear words but emotionally it's different. And if somebody's trying to screw me over for whatever reason I have to fight the urge to say DON'T WASTE MY TIME WITH YOUR S**T! Triggers are everywhere and I have to constantly edit everything so they don't mess the day up.
I keep thinking, am I ALWAYS going to have this? Sometimes people ask me about the m****rf****r that raped me. What would you do if you saw him again?I'd tie him up in a chair and bring in a gun (unloaded, but he doesn't know that). I'd make him f*****g beg for his life. I'd push him as far as possible. Then, when he thought that he was going to die I'd make him beg for his life. Then I'd say sorry and stick the gun in his mouth. Just for that split second of f*****g terror MAYBE he'd come close to feeling a LITTLE of the 35 years of s**t I've gone and continue to go thru.
Sunday, October 7, 2007
A lot is happening
Long time no post, eh? Sorry for the long break. It's been busy with dealing with symptoms, looking for the new job and more.I still have all the PTSD symptoms: hyperarousal, hyperarousal, dissociating, adrenalin surges and more. I do lots of holistic things (exercise, more sleep, no gluten, etc.). But I STILL get hammered with these EVERY DAY. Lately it takes most of the morning to fight my way out of the hyperarousal and feel like I'm "focusing" on what's going on around me. Imagine a music sample in your head that you can't turn off, no matter what you do. Then FINALLY when you feel awake, hypoarousal starts.
Now at times there's horrible sadness and emptiness. My therapist says that this is the beginning of a new rough phase in dealing with 35 years of PTSD. I know I have things to do every day. But it takes A LOT of energy to get thru it.The adrenalin surges strike at the worst times. I drive somewhere and try different ways to stay grounded. Then when I get out of my car I have to literally fight and focus. Otherwise the adrenalin surges are really bad. And then I feel like I have no sensation in my feet or legs. Imagine this happens EVERY time you get out of your car. Then the dissociating happens at the worswt times. At times I feel like I'm going to disappear. Morphing happens and you have to fight hard to focus so you don't vanish. What happens if I do disappear? Will I come back? If I do what happened? Can you imagine blacking out. Then someone's pissed off at you because of something that you said. And you have no idea what they're talking about.The emptiness is vicious and sometimes I think, will this ever end? My therapist talks about some people who have this near death sadness for years. Will that happen to me? The anger at all the a******s who treated me like s**t is still there. With some there's stupid f*****g pride that gets in the way of them acting like human beings and apologizing. For some people that's a fate worse than death. Just go away with your weird ass symptoms and YOU fix it. You don't treat people like that. So that's their loss. Now I don't care if that pisses them off. Or if they think I'm the biggest a*****e in the world. You had your chance to listen and you chose not to. So that's your loss and you'll have to live with that.When the dissociating is really nasty I wonder, will I always have this? Why can't I have just one day with no symptoms? Triggers are everywhere and a huge pain in the ass to deal with. They can be anything. A noise, a note, a word, a color, anything that you can think of. Right now I have to be really careful. If one hits you it sometimes takes hours to get past that. A stuck fight-or-flight mechanism is also a bitch. For others, a simple change of thoughts takes a second. For me, sometimes it takes literally hours to get past. How then do you deal with all of these symptoms and get on with the other things in life as well?At times you think about life, your life and others' lives. Will you always have this? My therapist says no. But still being human you wonder.
Sometimes the symptoms get so bad I just fall down and cry in frustration. Others don't have time or seem to care at all about this. In some f****d up disfunctional families we just don't talk about s**t like this. Ok, I'll go elsewhere.I don't want to feel royally f****d over forever because of PTSD. Still, the symptoms get so bad that I just scream and punch out anything close by. I get in my car and punch out my dashboard. I get out of my car and EVERY m****rf*****g time I have to focus and fight HARD to not lose feeling in my legs. The physical flashbacks still hit hard and are a real bitch to fight. I know that I'm not really getting raped in the ass again. But the body doesn't realize that.
I really wish I could have just ONE day with no symptoms.
Thanks for reading and hope this helps to give you a better idea of what daily PTSD struggle is like.
jpnhito
Here's the rest of the best from the previous blog:
Sunday, June 17, 2007
Raw PTSD Stuff
It's almost one week into the new gluten-free diet. Has it helped some with PTSD symptoms (dissociating, adrenalin surges and others)? Somewhat. But the bad part is if you don't dissociate then you literally feel like what is there?You're always on guard and feel like something's just around the corner. Something is going to happen to f**k up any feeling of happiness you may have that particular day. Maybe you're thinking, but no dissociating is a good thing. Why is that hard to handle? It's tough because imagine it's a survival tool that you use 24/7 for 35 years. Every single day is a non-stop battle to deal with this and somehow get thru the day. You lose job, relationships, and people give you non-stop s**t. And what's worse? One, many of these people laugh in your face and just don't f*****g care. Two, after a period of time it becomes second nature (does that make sense?).Then suddenly you start the proper therapy, diet and overall routine to help yourself heal. Suddenly that "security" is gone. And then you think, what do I do now?
Every day there's terror and a feeling that something's going to happen. Something's going to f**k this up. And then what do you do when you literally feel like there's nothing?Yesterday I was thinking about finding the new job, moving on and more. I thought, what if I just go? Scan all the important stuff into my PC, sell the rest, pack up my car and just drive? Where would I go? I've been homeless twice and done my time in business hotels, temporary apartments I had to lie to get into, crashing at friend's places, etc. If you go and you find a new place that's one thing. But experience has shown what if you don't? Where do I go then? And NOT feel like PTSD has totally f****d up any chance of doing what I want to do.My therapist says that over time you move past this. But sometimes I really wonder....
Friday, June 22, 2007
How Do You Cope?
Back to a tough morning. Really bad hyperarousal and now hypoarousal. Everything feels like a struggle. There's dissociating that's hard to fight and it just feels like a huge drain.Sometimes I'm really scared. Are you scarred for life if you have severe PTSD? One minute you feel like you can concentrate. Then suddenly dissociating starts and trying to ground yourself again doesn't work. What do you do now? You're trying to have a good day and actually get things done. But then this happens and it takes an hour to focus again. Or maybe you go out somewhere and you have to turn back and go home because dissociating is so bad. You'd like just one day when you can be free of all this s**t. But I wonder if that will ever happen?
Friday, July 13, 2007
Very Rough TIme
Today's been a REAL BATTLE. Got practically no sleep last night which made all my PTSD symptoms flare up. Then EVERYTHING took a HUGE amount of energy. My fight-or-flight response is still stuck and that really slows things down. A small action (like don't listen or do that) takes forever to get thru.My fears are hard to handle at times.
The PTSD was so bad that it royally f****d me out of a lot of important things that most people take for granted. Your senior prom. Lots of hot relationships. Not getting left behind others (in personal and business things). The PTSD makes you feel like you're watching your body from the outside. You know that something's wrong. But no matter how hard you try nobody listens to you and nobody cares. Then sometimes you think; will it always be like this? Am I always going to be cheated out of what's important to me and what makes me happy? Then if you try to share your concern with someone else the response is f**k off. Nobody gives a s**t about you. You see people (family, maybe some friends) that you think will be there for you. But it doesn't happen. And then you feel like, do I have a family at all? Am I a f*****g orphan in the world?My therapist says that because your PTSD has been so severe, now you have the flip side of it. Sometimes the anger and stress is so bad I worry. Am I going to snap? It's like Jack Nicholsen walking down the street in "The Last Detail." F*************************K!!!!!!!!! Am I going to disappear and then one of my multiples (or maybe more than one?) will take over?
I'm afraid to go to sleep at night. In the morning I scream and try to force myself to fight thru the hyperarousal. Then later when I finally feel awake the hypoarousal starts. And it's like an endless cycle. I still have the physical flashbacks of getting b**t f****d in the ass over and over. And nobody is there to help and nobody gives a s**t. What if I get raped AND killed? Would you THEN give a shit?Am I always going to have to have multiple personality conference meetings? It helps but after a certain point you have to say enough. But in the meantime if you try to talk about it to others (family or a handful of friends) nobody has patience for it. It freaks me out. So just shut up. I'm f*****g dying here and have freaking horrible P**D! I need help! But nobody cares because it's YOUR fault. You f****d up. So goddamnit fix it! Don't expect any sympathy from me for your freaky pathetic s**t. I don't have the time or patience for it. So f**k off.
Sometimes I just sit and cry because I don't know what else to do.
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Let's Talk About EMDR
Sorry to be away for a while. Busy with the new job search, dealing with PTSD symptoms and not letting my fears get to me. Hyper and hypoarousal are still big problems. I'm almost 3 weeks into the gluten free diet. It's helped some. But adrenalin surges are still a problem at the worst times.
But as promised a long time ago let's talk about EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing). There's a lot of ignorance about this and lack of effort from those qualified to do this. So let's clear this up.In basic terms, EMDR is a way to release trauma (energy) that is trapped in different parts of your brain and body. This can be misdiagnosed as many different things. Over many years I was labeled as having everything from Tourette's to MS to schitzophrenia and more. It can also cause problems because you can feel like you're losing control over your body. You literally can lose feeling in different parts and feel like you're body is disappearing. My therapist recently told me that he's amazed that despite my horrible PTSD and the symptoms I have I'm still here.When EMDR is used the therapist uses a light strip (think a strip of runway lights) in stages to talk about different areas of your trauma. It's not a drug trip or sinister in any way. Instead your following the light patterns with your eyes can help to begin to release the trauma. Is it an instant cure? No. How long does EMDR therapy take? It depends on how severe the trauma is.I've been using it and cognitive (talk) therapy for almost three months now. Has it helped? In some ways yes. I'm starting to have a better understanding of overall how horrible PTSD and being raped repeatedly was. But once you stop avoiding years of trauma and abuse then suddenly the opposite happens. Now it's terrifying to not feel like you want to punch out everyone you meet. Everyday it's hyperarousal, hypoarousal and constant fighting to not feel like you're losing control of your body. Will I ever get over this? At times I'm not sure.It's really sad that there's still a big therapist bias against using EMDR in many places. In my area I had to go thru 5 or 6 different people before I finally found someone who's EMDR qualified AND who actually listens to you. The others don't have the certification and can't be bothered with insurance hassles. Meanwhile before I found my current therapist I was battling all this stuff every day.
Here in the States the government and some therapists only connect PTSD with vets. While they have a real PTSD problem there are many others who have it too. One estimate says that up to 60% of the U.S. population has PTSD, but either doesn't know it or refuses to deal with it. Also, with all the holistic things I do for my health, I STILL can't get health insurance from the major carriers because of "pre-existing" conditions WHICH I NO LONGER HAVE. So I'm being punished for being pro-active in my health care. Which you WOULD think would help to save money and improve the system overall. But the opposite is true.I'm scared to go to sleep at night. If I'm lucky to get any sleep at all the nightmares happen. The flashbacks of being raped again come back. And then the next day the cycle keeps on going.
Monday, August 13, 2007
We're Not Just Stats
Happy Monday.
Seems like the whole world is on vacation except me :). But also with Iraq and Afghanistan still going on, nobody's thinking about the overall picture. Over a million civilians killed, two million are in exile. And the horrible effects of PTSD are on an unimaginable scale.You have to remember; when trauma happens to you ONLY once, it affects you forever. If you're a little kid it's even worse because their bodies and neural connections are still growing. I've had it for 35 years. And I wonder if I'll ever get past this.The health care system in the States doesn't care about treating people with PTSD. Yes there are lots of other conditions that need treatment as well. But with PTSD, many doctors and therapists either don't have the proper training or they think it's a dodge. They can't be bothered with it.
What does that do for people who really need help? How would you feel if you treated as just a number that politicians use to win elections? Or the media uses as a sound bite? I find that most people can't be bothered with dealing with this. But then some say it's YOUR fault. So YOU fix it. How f****d up is that?I wonder when people will wake up to this?
Sunday, August 12, 2007
Time to Catch Up
Sorry for the break. It's been busy with a lot of stuff. EMDR/cognitive session, looking for the new job. Dealing with brutal PTSD symptoms (hyper and hypoarousal, dissociating, physical flashbacks and more). And it's a rough cycle to deal with.Lately hyperarousal is really nasty in the morning. I end up screaming and fighting to wake up and focus. After that hypoarousal and the other stuff kicks in. My therapist says that unfortunately it's going to get worse before it gets better. Big surprise :)?
If I go out into a crowded place everything is magnified X100. Every sound, sight, phrase and noise makes me think, am I going to be jumped? What do I do? I'm really fighting dissociating hard because if I don't, I feel like I'm going to disappear. Time gets altered and you feel like you're watching outside your own body (common PTSD symptoms).I still have A LOT OF ANGER at various people that treated me like s**t. The physical flashbacks of being raped again still come at the worst times. It's really scary when you're in a crowded place and this happens. You try to ground yourself and say, I'm safe. This isn't real. But sometimes no matter how hard you try this it doesn't work. And if there's no place to temporarily escape, what do you do then?Hyper-sharp intuition is a common thing for survivors to have. My prediction percentage isn't perfect. But it has gotten better. Sometimes I listen to someone talk and it's like a movie with subititles. I hear words but emotionally it's different. And if somebody's trying to screw me over for whatever reason I have to fight the urge to say DON'T WASTE MY TIME WITH YOUR S**T! Triggers are everywhere and I have to constantly edit everything so they don't mess the day up.
I keep thinking, am I ALWAYS going to have this? Sometimes people ask me about the m****rf****r that raped me. What would you do if you saw him again?I'd tie him up in a chair and bring in a gun (unloaded, but he doesn't know that). I'd make him f*****g beg for his life. I'd push him as far as possible. Then, when he thought that he was going to die I'd make him beg for his life. Then I'd say sorry and stick the gun in his mouth. Just for that split second of f*****g terror MAYBE he'd come close to feeling a LITTLE of the 35 years of s**t I've gone and continue to go thru.
Sunday, October 7, 2007
A lot is happening
Long time no post, eh? Sorry for the long break. It's been busy with dealing with symptoms, looking for the new job and more.I still have all the PTSD symptoms: hyperarousal, hyperarousal, dissociating, adrenalin surges and more. I do lots of holistic things (exercise, more sleep, no gluten, etc.). But I STILL get hammered with these EVERY DAY. Lately it takes most of the morning to fight my way out of the hyperarousal and feel like I'm "focusing" on what's going on around me. Imagine a music sample in your head that you can't turn off, no matter what you do. Then FINALLY when you feel awake, hypoarousal starts.
Now at times there's horrible sadness and emptiness. My therapist says that this is the beginning of a new rough phase in dealing with 35 years of PTSD. I know I have things to do every day. But it takes A LOT of energy to get thru it.The adrenalin surges strike at the worst times. I drive somewhere and try different ways to stay grounded. Then when I get out of my car I have to literally fight and focus. Otherwise the adrenalin surges are really bad. And then I feel like I have no sensation in my feet or legs. Imagine this happens EVERY time you get out of your car. Then the dissociating happens at the worswt times. At times I feel like I'm going to disappear. Morphing happens and you have to fight hard to focus so you don't vanish. What happens if I do disappear? Will I come back? If I do what happened? Can you imagine blacking out. Then someone's pissed off at you because of something that you said. And you have no idea what they're talking about.The emptiness is vicious and sometimes I think, will this ever end? My therapist talks about some people who have this near death sadness for years. Will that happen to me? The anger at all the a******s who treated me like s**t is still there. With some there's stupid f*****g pride that gets in the way of them acting like human beings and apologizing. For some people that's a fate worse than death. Just go away with your weird ass symptoms and YOU fix it. You don't treat people like that. So that's their loss. Now I don't care if that pisses them off. Or if they think I'm the biggest a*****e in the world. You had your chance to listen and you chose not to. So that's your loss and you'll have to live with that.When the dissociating is really nasty I wonder, will I always have this? Why can't I have just one day with no symptoms? Triggers are everywhere and a huge pain in the ass to deal with. They can be anything. A noise, a note, a word, a color, anything that you can think of. Right now I have to be really careful. If one hits you it sometimes takes hours to get past that. A stuck fight-or-flight mechanism is also a bitch. For others, a simple change of thoughts takes a second. For me, sometimes it takes literally hours to get past. How then do you deal with all of these symptoms and get on with the other things in life as well?At times you think about life, your life and others' lives. Will you always have this? My therapist says no. But still being human you wonder.
Sometimes the symptoms get so bad I just fall down and cry in frustration. Others don't have time or seem to care at all about this. In some f****d up disfunctional families we just don't talk about s**t like this. Ok, I'll go elsewhere.I don't want to feel royally f****d over forever because of PTSD. Still, the symptoms get so bad that I just scream and punch out anything close by. I get in my car and punch out my dashboard. I get out of my car and EVERY m****rf*****g time I have to focus and fight HARD to not lose feeling in my legs. The physical flashbacks still hit hard and are a real bitch to fight. I know that I'm not really getting raped in the ass again. But the body doesn't realize that.
I really wish I could have just ONE day with no symptoms.
Thanks for reading and hope this helps to give you a better idea of what daily PTSD struggle is like.
jpnhito
More to Catch Up On
Hi,
This blog contains graphic language, content and "triggers"(sights, sounds and more). These can be disturbing to PTSD survivors. If these bother you, read at your own risk. Otherwise, thanks for the support.
Let's catch up now on more from the old blog:
Sunday, June 3, 2007
Dissociating
Right now dissociating is a HUGE problem. In the morning I wake up and have hyperarousal. Your mind is racing with all kinds of thoughts mixed up. Then it's a real battle to wake up and focus on where you are. Once you get past that then the opposite (hypoarousal) starts. You have no energy, can't focus and everything takes a huge effort.
Along with that, dissociating is still a real problem. People with severe dissociating have lots of symptoms. You can't focus and have no energy. Triggers can aggrevate dissociating. Triggers can be anything: sounds, colors, key words or phrases, music.
Adrenalin surges. Severe trauma is trapped energy in your body. The longer PTSD continues untreated the more this energy surges in your body with no relief. How do you deal with this? Diet, exercise and more sleep are some good starters. Then again it depends on the severity of the original trauma.Sometimes I feel like I'm going to disappear. I'll dissociate and then have no idea where I am or what's happened. You try to avoid triggers and do all the right things. It's a nice day and this s**t feels endless. What do I have to do to have some peace for a change?
Tuesday, June 5, 2007
Dissociating and Multiples
One basic rule to remember with PTSD is this. The more severe the initial trauma, the more dissociating you'll do to compensate. When most people hear PTSD, what's the first thing they think of? Rambo, vets who will go postal and blow away lots of people, etc. Instead, a large majority of the population is at risk for either getting or suffering with PTSD for many many years. PTSD cane come from sexual, physical OR verbal abuse as well.
Unfortunately in the States most people think of abuse as physical. They don't stop and think about the devestating effect that verbal can have. And how the combination of these is one of the worst things a PTSD victim/survivor can deal with.Let's clear up a big misconception. When trauma is severe and ongoing you'll dissociate to try and cope. If the trauma is really severe you'll develop multiple personalities. This is NOT schitzophrenia. That's a physical illness. Instead multiple personalities in PTSD are a way for your mind to cope with what's happening. When multiples develop (and if you're lucky) this combination will help you to somehow cope. The bad part happens when you finally realize that it's PTSD and you try to get the proper help. Most people at this point try to get all the personalities to work together so the person can function day-to-day. Can you re-intergrate all of these personalities? Yes you can. But it takes a long time and might involve a mix of treatments (EMDR, cognitive and medication). More on this later. In my case I had ongoing sexual, verbal and some physical abuse all together. Right now I have about 25 multiple personalities that fight for attention. I try to get them to listen to me and understand that, yes what happened was horrible. But if we don't work together we can't survive.
Thursday, June 7, 2007
Some Relief for a Change
Feels like my multiples are taking a break today. Hypo and hyperarousal today (along with the usual dissociating). But now there's more of a f**k no, I'm NOT going to dissociate and hide all day. No gurantee that I still won't do that. But my next session is tomorrow. So we'll see how it goes.
How Do You Survive PTSD?
Sometimes my therapist and I talk about surviving and healing from PTSD. There is no perfect cure. Everybody's different and heals at different rates. However that's hard to keep in mind at the worst times.
If you have long-term severe abuse, you'll probably develop multiple personalities. Remember that PTSD is NOT schitzophrenia. Instead it's a survival mechanism that looks strange to the untrained eye.Right now I have 25 personalities. I'm having meetings with them so everybody can talk and start to heal. Like any meeting it's a mix: shy, aggressive, questioning, curious and others. I try to reassure everybody that this is the right approach. But understandably they argue. Why should we believe that? These people treated us like s**t for years. Why the f***k should we trust them now? I try and listen and convince them that this will be ok. But many times it's a endless fight.Imagine you try to wake up and you have hyperarousal. A million thoughts are running thru your mind and you have to fight to focus. Then it takes a couple of hours before you can concentrate and not dissociate. After that hypoarousal and more dissociating start.
Every small action is a huge battle. Your fight-or-flight response is stuck. On top of that some personalities are battling for control. You feel like you're losing control of your body. You're shape shifting in some bad sc-fi movie. How do you walk from your front door to your car? You think you'll disappear. If the adrenalin surges and dissociating are really bad, you feel like you can't walk. You feel like your body will shut down.If you're in a crowded place or driving, what do you do then? It's like a bad alcoholic blackout. You disappear and then when you come back you have no clue. Where am I? What did I do? What did I say? Did anybody see me?I've had this routine 24/7 for 35 years. And most people don't understand and don't want to understand. Instead it's your fault. You're "handicapped." Just shut up and go away. You try to tell them you're not. You know something's wrong but you're not sure exactly what it is. It took me 20 years to finally find the right therapist. Still, if people find out who I am my life will still be severly messed up. So then why write this blog? I guess one answer is that I (and other PTSD sufferers) are sick of being treated like s**t. Repeatedly being raped is not something that you ask for or enjoy. Dissociating, adrenalin surges, flashbacks and nightmares are things that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.That's the ulgy truth about PTSD. Most people don't have time to listen to you and don't care. Instead it's go away. Or, I'll use you as a political football to help me get elected. I don't understand how this works. So odds are our viewers/listeners won't either. So just go away.If I'm wrong, prove that I am and I'll apologize. Until then that's the ulgy truth.
Monday, June 11, 2007
Permenantly Scarred Or Not?
For long-term PTSD sufferers one fear never goes away. Will I always have this? I hear many people who don't have PTSD say everybody is responsible for your own health. In a perfect world, yes.
But what happens when you try to do the right thing for your health. And everywhere you turn nobody listens to you. Or, you're penalized by not being able to get decent AFFORDABLE health insurance. And no pre-existing conditions.Not all but many therapists either don't have the proper PTSD training. OR they just don't care about it. You think you have it and try to get help. When you can finally reach someone maybe they don't listen or don't care. For 20 years I looked for the right person to help me. Along the way I was misdiagnosed, overmedicated and told to just shut up.Finally I realized that while I was a sober alcoholic I was strung out on 4 prescription meds. I tried every 30-day program I could find. But again no one would help me. So finally I said f**k it. I'll do it myself. I came up with a 30-day withdrawl plan and did it. It was the HARDEST thing I've ever done in my life. Imagine going thru this, severe PTSD, looking for a new job, family s**t and on and on. But remember, you're on your own. Nobody wants to deal with you.Fortunately now I'm drug free. However I still have PTSD (and maybe always will). If you want to get help, any therapy session for PTSD is considered "basic therapy." If you do anything else (holistic diet, exercise, acupuncture, etc.), that's NOT covered by insurance. Now to the rest of the civilized world that has national health care this is allowed. But in the U.S. greed and huge profits say otherwise. The rest of you are on your own
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
What Makes PTSD Even Worse
I made an important decision today. Tomorrow I'm going to see my holistic doctor about getting some blood tests done to check for Celiac disease. That's when you have no tolerance for gluten.
Where do you find gluten? In anything with these ingredients:
wheat
wheat germ
bran
durum flour
all-purpose flour
white or wheat flour
graham flour
wheat starch
farina
wheat-based semolina
milletmalt or malt flavoring (NO BEER!)
hydrolyzed vegetable or plant proteingluten stabilizers found in prepared meats like hot dogs and others.
What are some common symptoms?:
gas
abdominal bloating and pain
joint painheadachesnerve damage (tingling or numbness)muscle pain or cramps
heartburn or reflux disease
tooth discoloration or loss of enamel
Many people believe that severe long-term stress (like PTSD) can bring out Celiac disease. I have at least half of the above symptoms. So after the blood tests either I don't. Or I do which will REALLY piss me off. Sexual abuse, verbal and physical abuse, alcoholism, PTSD. And now MAYBE Celiac disease too? I've asked various doctors, nutritionists and others about the effects of long-term stress on your body. Right now there's no scientific proof that this will make you more suceptable to cancer and other diseases (although you would think that it could). With Celiac disease, several sources say that severe stress could come out because you're genetically pre-disposed for it.Right now I feel really robbed by being bombarded with all of this stuff. I don't want to feel like all this has cheated me out of a chance to do what I really want. The logical part of me knows that's not true. But sometimes the emotional side has trouble with that.
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Started the Gluten Free Diet Today
Went to another session today. More soon about what EMDR is: the myths, truths and the ignorance of some therapists who can't or won't use it. My therapist and I talked a lot about feeling beaten down all your life. Ongoing rapes. Trying to get help. No one has time to listen or help. Eventually you feel like you never had a family or real friends. Some people then use various drugs and other ways to try and cope. Fortunately for me I'm now drug free. The bad part? You have nothing to hide behind now.I thought about going to get gluten blood tests done for Celiac Disease. I talked to some people online and did some research. To really get an accurate answer you need 5 tests and not one. Can't afford that, the doctor's appointments, the biopsy of your small intestine, etc.
So instead I started the diet today. I'll do it for two weeks and see how I feel. Either I'll feel great and keep going with it. Or I'll stop and go back.At the moment I'm thinking I'd keep going. There's some research that says gluten can aggrevate PTSD symptoms. What are some symptoms that it can't alleveate? The flashbacks to being raped. The humiliation of being treated like a f*****g piece of meat. Then while the sick m****rf****r who raped you kicks back after getting his rocks off you wonder what will happen to me? If this happens to you when you're a little kid, it only takes one time to permenantly scar you (both physically and mentally). Yes later on you can go through various therapy and learn some nice little coping mechanisms that may at times help you a little. But you NEVER EVER forget the abuse AND how literally everyone around you says it's YOUR fault so just go away. Don't be so f*****g sensitive. You're f*****g driving me crazy. Nobody gives a shit about what you think or what you feel. JUST SHUT THE F**K UP! Ok, so I'll just go away and won't disrupt your nice ever-so-busy life then? It's your fault AND you're not allowed to be a normal human being with perfectly normal feelings, fears and concerns.
I'm not sure if I'll ever forgive these assholes.
More coming soon.
jpnhito
This blog contains graphic language, content and "triggers"(sights, sounds and more). These can be disturbing to PTSD survivors. If these bother you, read at your own risk. Otherwise, thanks for the support.
Let's catch up now on more from the old blog:
Sunday, June 3, 2007
Dissociating
Right now dissociating is a HUGE problem. In the morning I wake up and have hyperarousal. Your mind is racing with all kinds of thoughts mixed up. Then it's a real battle to wake up and focus on where you are. Once you get past that then the opposite (hypoarousal) starts. You have no energy, can't focus and everything takes a huge effort.
Along with that, dissociating is still a real problem. People with severe dissociating have lots of symptoms. You can't focus and have no energy. Triggers can aggrevate dissociating. Triggers can be anything: sounds, colors, key words or phrases, music.
Adrenalin surges. Severe trauma is trapped energy in your body. The longer PTSD continues untreated the more this energy surges in your body with no relief. How do you deal with this? Diet, exercise and more sleep are some good starters. Then again it depends on the severity of the original trauma.Sometimes I feel like I'm going to disappear. I'll dissociate and then have no idea where I am or what's happened. You try to avoid triggers and do all the right things. It's a nice day and this s**t feels endless. What do I have to do to have some peace for a change?
Tuesday, June 5, 2007
Dissociating and Multiples
One basic rule to remember with PTSD is this. The more severe the initial trauma, the more dissociating you'll do to compensate. When most people hear PTSD, what's the first thing they think of? Rambo, vets who will go postal and blow away lots of people, etc. Instead, a large majority of the population is at risk for either getting or suffering with PTSD for many many years. PTSD cane come from sexual, physical OR verbal abuse as well.
Unfortunately in the States most people think of abuse as physical. They don't stop and think about the devestating effect that verbal can have. And how the combination of these is one of the worst things a PTSD victim/survivor can deal with.Let's clear up a big misconception. When trauma is severe and ongoing you'll dissociate to try and cope. If the trauma is really severe you'll develop multiple personalities. This is NOT schitzophrenia. That's a physical illness. Instead multiple personalities in PTSD are a way for your mind to cope with what's happening. When multiples develop (and if you're lucky) this combination will help you to somehow cope. The bad part happens when you finally realize that it's PTSD and you try to get the proper help. Most people at this point try to get all the personalities to work together so the person can function day-to-day. Can you re-intergrate all of these personalities? Yes you can. But it takes a long time and might involve a mix of treatments (EMDR, cognitive and medication). More on this later. In my case I had ongoing sexual, verbal and some physical abuse all together. Right now I have about 25 multiple personalities that fight for attention. I try to get them to listen to me and understand that, yes what happened was horrible. But if we don't work together we can't survive.
Thursday, June 7, 2007
Some Relief for a Change
Feels like my multiples are taking a break today. Hypo and hyperarousal today (along with the usual dissociating). But now there's more of a f**k no, I'm NOT going to dissociate and hide all day. No gurantee that I still won't do that. But my next session is tomorrow. So we'll see how it goes.
How Do You Survive PTSD?
Sometimes my therapist and I talk about surviving and healing from PTSD. There is no perfect cure. Everybody's different and heals at different rates. However that's hard to keep in mind at the worst times.
If you have long-term severe abuse, you'll probably develop multiple personalities. Remember that PTSD is NOT schitzophrenia. Instead it's a survival mechanism that looks strange to the untrained eye.Right now I have 25 personalities. I'm having meetings with them so everybody can talk and start to heal. Like any meeting it's a mix: shy, aggressive, questioning, curious and others. I try to reassure everybody that this is the right approach. But understandably they argue. Why should we believe that? These people treated us like s**t for years. Why the f***k should we trust them now? I try and listen and convince them that this will be ok. But many times it's a endless fight.Imagine you try to wake up and you have hyperarousal. A million thoughts are running thru your mind and you have to fight to focus. Then it takes a couple of hours before you can concentrate and not dissociate. After that hypoarousal and more dissociating start.
Every small action is a huge battle. Your fight-or-flight response is stuck. On top of that some personalities are battling for control. You feel like you're losing control of your body. You're shape shifting in some bad sc-fi movie. How do you walk from your front door to your car? You think you'll disappear. If the adrenalin surges and dissociating are really bad, you feel like you can't walk. You feel like your body will shut down.If you're in a crowded place or driving, what do you do then? It's like a bad alcoholic blackout. You disappear and then when you come back you have no clue. Where am I? What did I do? What did I say? Did anybody see me?I've had this routine 24/7 for 35 years. And most people don't understand and don't want to understand. Instead it's your fault. You're "handicapped." Just shut up and go away. You try to tell them you're not. You know something's wrong but you're not sure exactly what it is. It took me 20 years to finally find the right therapist. Still, if people find out who I am my life will still be severly messed up. So then why write this blog? I guess one answer is that I (and other PTSD sufferers) are sick of being treated like s**t. Repeatedly being raped is not something that you ask for or enjoy. Dissociating, adrenalin surges, flashbacks and nightmares are things that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.That's the ulgy truth about PTSD. Most people don't have time to listen to you and don't care. Instead it's go away. Or, I'll use you as a political football to help me get elected. I don't understand how this works. So odds are our viewers/listeners won't either. So just go away.If I'm wrong, prove that I am and I'll apologize. Until then that's the ulgy truth.
Monday, June 11, 2007
Permenantly Scarred Or Not?
For long-term PTSD sufferers one fear never goes away. Will I always have this? I hear many people who don't have PTSD say everybody is responsible for your own health. In a perfect world, yes.
But what happens when you try to do the right thing for your health. And everywhere you turn nobody listens to you. Or, you're penalized by not being able to get decent AFFORDABLE health insurance. And no pre-existing conditions.Not all but many therapists either don't have the proper PTSD training. OR they just don't care about it. You think you have it and try to get help. When you can finally reach someone maybe they don't listen or don't care. For 20 years I looked for the right person to help me. Along the way I was misdiagnosed, overmedicated and told to just shut up.Finally I realized that while I was a sober alcoholic I was strung out on 4 prescription meds. I tried every 30-day program I could find. But again no one would help me. So finally I said f**k it. I'll do it myself. I came up with a 30-day withdrawl plan and did it. It was the HARDEST thing I've ever done in my life. Imagine going thru this, severe PTSD, looking for a new job, family s**t and on and on. But remember, you're on your own. Nobody wants to deal with you.Fortunately now I'm drug free. However I still have PTSD (and maybe always will). If you want to get help, any therapy session for PTSD is considered "basic therapy." If you do anything else (holistic diet, exercise, acupuncture, etc.), that's NOT covered by insurance. Now to the rest of the civilized world that has national health care this is allowed. But in the U.S. greed and huge profits say otherwise. The rest of you are on your own
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
What Makes PTSD Even Worse
I made an important decision today. Tomorrow I'm going to see my holistic doctor about getting some blood tests done to check for Celiac disease. That's when you have no tolerance for gluten.
Where do you find gluten? In anything with these ingredients:
wheat
wheat germ
bran
durum flour
all-purpose flour
white or wheat flour
graham flour
wheat starch
farina
wheat-based semolina
milletmalt or malt flavoring (NO BEER!)
hydrolyzed vegetable or plant proteingluten stabilizers found in prepared meats like hot dogs and others.
What are some common symptoms?:
gas
abdominal bloating and pain
joint painheadachesnerve damage (tingling or numbness)muscle pain or cramps
heartburn or reflux disease
tooth discoloration or loss of enamel
Many people believe that severe long-term stress (like PTSD) can bring out Celiac disease. I have at least half of the above symptoms. So after the blood tests either I don't. Or I do which will REALLY piss me off. Sexual abuse, verbal and physical abuse, alcoholism, PTSD. And now MAYBE Celiac disease too? I've asked various doctors, nutritionists and others about the effects of long-term stress on your body. Right now there's no scientific proof that this will make you more suceptable to cancer and other diseases (although you would think that it could). With Celiac disease, several sources say that severe stress could come out because you're genetically pre-disposed for it.Right now I feel really robbed by being bombarded with all of this stuff. I don't want to feel like all this has cheated me out of a chance to do what I really want. The logical part of me knows that's not true. But sometimes the emotional side has trouble with that.
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Started the Gluten Free Diet Today
Went to another session today. More soon about what EMDR is: the myths, truths and the ignorance of some therapists who can't or won't use it. My therapist and I talked a lot about feeling beaten down all your life. Ongoing rapes. Trying to get help. No one has time to listen or help. Eventually you feel like you never had a family or real friends. Some people then use various drugs and other ways to try and cope. Fortunately for me I'm now drug free. The bad part? You have nothing to hide behind now.I thought about going to get gluten blood tests done for Celiac Disease. I talked to some people online and did some research. To really get an accurate answer you need 5 tests and not one. Can't afford that, the doctor's appointments, the biopsy of your small intestine, etc.
So instead I started the diet today. I'll do it for two weeks and see how I feel. Either I'll feel great and keep going with it. Or I'll stop and go back.At the moment I'm thinking I'd keep going. There's some research that says gluten can aggrevate PTSD symptoms. What are some symptoms that it can't alleveate? The flashbacks to being raped. The humiliation of being treated like a f*****g piece of meat. Then while the sick m****rf****r who raped you kicks back after getting his rocks off you wonder what will happen to me? If this happens to you when you're a little kid, it only takes one time to permenantly scar you (both physically and mentally). Yes later on you can go through various therapy and learn some nice little coping mechanisms that may at times help you a little. But you NEVER EVER forget the abuse AND how literally everyone around you says it's YOUR fault so just go away. Don't be so f*****g sensitive. You're f*****g driving me crazy. Nobody gives a shit about what you think or what you feel. JUST SHUT THE F**K UP! Ok, so I'll just go away and won't disrupt your nice ever-so-busy life then? It's your fault AND you're not allowed to be a normal human being with perfectly normal feelings, fears and concerns.
I'm not sure if I'll ever forgive these assholes.
More coming soon.
jpnhito
Starting Over
Welcome to my new and improved PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) blog. My old one http://www.ptsdsurvivor.blogspot.com had technical problems beyond my control. So I moved everything over here. If anyone sees this old one, please refer them to here.
THE DISCLAIMER STUFF
Unfortunately on every blog there's always some confusion about what's ok to post and what isn't. So to help clear this up, here are some rules to follow. Keep in mind that talking about PTSD and related issues is like walking a tightrope. You want to be open and honest to be able to start healing. But you also have to be aware of the potential effect of your words on other survivors. Everybody has a different story and is at a different point in healing. The point here is, make what you say count overall. PTSD is not a curse, a plague or something that you ask for. It's never somebody's fault. Instead, it's a coping mechanism that everyone has that's designed to help them survive.
This blog contains graphic language and content. It also has "triggers" (sights, sounds, key words, etc.) that could be upsetting to PTSD survivors. If this bothers you, read at your own risk. If not, keep going and I hope this is helpful for you.
Thursday, May 31, 2007
Hi and welcome to the first of what I hope is many posts. I've looked all over the Net. And I have yet to find a central blog where PTSD victims/survivors worldwide can meet and talk freely. In my experience, most people don't know what PTSD means, are too busy to stop and think about it. And just don't care. It's the old out-of-sight-out-of-mind thing. So here's to hoping that this will in some small way help to change things. This blog will contain strong language and maybe controversial ideas to some people. But that's all right. The idea to be open, honest and then from that you start to heal.
A little about me. I've had severe PTSD for 35 years (due to ongoing childhood sexual abuse). I've lost jobs, relationships and friends. My family has disowned me because I'm "handicapped" and they can't be bothered with weird and freaky s**t from me. And, it's YOUR fault. Nobody gives a f**k about your thoughts, feelings, ideas and concerns. Don't be so f*****g sensitive. You'll never survive.Oh, ok. So it's my fault. Getting repeatedly raped is fun. It's what I asked for. So now just go away and deal with it? I feel like my family is long gone. The rare times when we have really superficial "conversations", it always leaves me thinking, why did I just waste ten minutes on the phone with this person? The truth is it'll never change. Call it stupid f*****g pride or whatever. But as for me, my days as being the family peacmaker are over. So now you no longer have the right to tell me it's my fault and then say, sleezy ungrateful bastard son. After all the s**t we've done for you. This is how you show respect? YOU WERE NEVER THERE FOR ME. If you can't at least fake basic respect for me as a human being (if nothing else), then f**k off. I have better things to do with my time.
PTSD FAQ
Whether you've been diagnosed with PTSD or just want to know more, learning the basics can be technical and overwhelming. Here's an explanation of some basic terms to hopefully make this easier.
Is PTSD a disease?- Most therapists who are informed about PTSD say no. It's a condition that's a natural response to severe trauma: a combat situation, rape, seeing a murder, etc. Better to realize that you have a problem and get help.
What exactly happens with PTSD?- When some trauma happens its too much to cope with. So the mind disconnects or "dissociates". The mind and the body are interconnected in many ways.
There are different types of dissociation:
(DID)Depersonalisation disorder-This features strong feelings that you are detached from your body, or that your body is unreal. A person may also experience mild to moderate derealisation and mild identity confusion.
Dissociative amnesia-An inability to remember significant personal information or particular periods of time, which can’t be explained by ordinary forgetfulness. People may also experience mild to moderate depersonalisation, derealisation and identity confusion.
Dissociative fugue-A person travels to a new location during a temporary loss of identity. He or she may assume a different identity and a new life. There is severe amnesia, with moderate to severe identity confusion and often identity alteration.
Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)Post-traumatic stress disorder is not currently classed as a dissociative disorder, but people who experience dissociative distress frequently also meet diagnostic criteria for PTSD. They may experience flashbacks, reliving the trauma repeatedly, which cause extreme distress. This, in turn, triggers a dissociative, numbing reaction. Moderate to severe amnesia is common to both PTSD and dissociative disorders, as is derealisation and depersonalisation.
Dissociative disorder not otherwise specified (DDNOS)In DDNOS, each of the five types of dissociation may occur, but the pattern of mix and severity does not fit any of the other dissociative disorders.
Dissociative identity disorder (DID)This is the most complex dissociative disorder. It’s also known as multiple personality disorder (MPD) according to the ICD10, the British diagnostic manual. This has given rise to the idea that this is a personality disorder, although it is not. Its defining feature is severe identity alteration. Someone with DID experiences these shifts of identity as separate personalities. Each identity may assume control of behaviour and thoughts at different times. Each has a distinctive pattern of thinking and relating to the world. Severe amnesia means that one identity may have no awareness of what happens when another identity is in control. The amnesia can be one-way or two-way. Identity confusion is usually moderate to severe. It also includes severe depersonalisation and derealisation.
Why is PTSD still not being treated effectively if its so widespread?- Lots of reasons. Not all but many therapists don't receive the proper training. Many who do don't accept all the aspects of PTSD (ESPECIALLY dissociation). And people close to victims don't want to deal with what happened.Can you recover from PTSD?- It depends on the trauma and when you start to get the proper help. Unfortunately for many people there's self-denial which can mean that symptoms can continue for many years. Once you start to get the proper help, there's no magic solution.
Sunday, June 3, 2007
Dissociating
Right now dissociating is a HUGE problem. In the morning I wake up and have hyperarousal. Your mind is racing with all kinds of thoughts mixed up. Then it's a real battle to wake up and focus on where you are. Once you get past that then the opposite (hypoarousal) starts. You have no energy, can't focus and everything takes a huge effort.Along with that dissociating is still a real problem. People with severe dissociating have lots of symptoms: you can't focus and have no energy.
Triggers can aggrevate dissociating. Triggers can be anything: sounds, colors, key words or phrases, music.adrenalin surges. Severe trauma is trapped energy in your body. The longer PTSD continues untreated the more this energy surges in your body with no relief. How do you deal with this? Diet, exercise and more sleep are some good starters. Then again it depends on the severity of the original trauma.Sometimes I feel like I'm going to disappear. I'll dissociate and then have no idea where I am or what's happened. You try to avoid triggers and do all the right things. It's a nice day and this s**t feels endless. What do I have to do to have some peace for a change?
Tuesday, June 5, 2007
Dissociating and Multiples
One basic rule to remember with PTSD is this. The more severe the initial trauma, the more dissociating you'll do to compensate. When most people hear PTSD, what's the first thing they think of? Rambo, vets who will go postal and blow away lots of people, etc. Instead, a large majority of the population is at risk for either getting or suffering with PTSD for many many years.
PTSD can come from sexual, physical OR verbal abuse as well. Unfortunately in the States most people think of abuse as physical. They don't stop and think about the devestating effect that verbal can have. And how the combination of these is one of the worst things a PTSD victim/survivor can deal with.Let's clear up a big misconception. When trauma is severe and ongoing you'll dissociate to try and cope. If the trauma is really severe you'll develop multiple personalities. This is NOT schitzophrenia. That's a physical illness. Instead multiple personalities in PTSD are a way for your mind to cope with what's happening. When multiples develop (and if you're lucky) this combination will help you to somehow cope. The bad part happens when you finally realize that it's PTSD and you try to get the proper help. Most people at this point try to get all the personalities to work together so the person can function day-to-day.
Can you re-intergrate all of these personalities? Yes you can. But it takes a long time and might involve a mix of treatments (EMDR, cognitive and medication). More on this later.In my case I had ongoing sexual, verbal and some physical abuse all together. Right now I have about 25 multiple personalities that fight for attention. I try to get them to listen to me and understand that, yes what happened was horrible. But if we don't work together we can't survive.Who are these? The little kid, the cynical one, the shy one and others who I still don't know that much about yet. It's hard to explain. You're aware of 25 different voices in your head all competing for attention. Imagine a board meeting that has the usual mix of personalities. Arguments and various other stuff happens while you try to keep some control. But many times that doesn't work well.Last night was really rough. Lots of dissociating and many times I felt like my body wasn't there. You try to stay in control but you feel like you're going to disappear. You want to enjoy a nice sunny day. But then you start to dissociate and feel like you need to hide. But what if you're in a crowded place and there's nowhere to go? What if you're driving from home to somewhere and you have to turn around and go back again because you can't concentrate? These are some of the everyday things that many PTSD sufferers deal with all the time.
Unfortunately many politicians are using these people are political pawns and really have no freaking clue about it at all. You want to stand up and explain. But if you do most people don't want to listen. If you're not a celebrity and you go public this could have serious consequences. So what do you do?
Sorry if this seems like a lot. But thanks for sticking it out. More coming soon.
jpnhito
THE DISCLAIMER STUFF
Unfortunately on every blog there's always some confusion about what's ok to post and what isn't. So to help clear this up, here are some rules to follow. Keep in mind that talking about PTSD and related issues is like walking a tightrope. You want to be open and honest to be able to start healing. But you also have to be aware of the potential effect of your words on other survivors. Everybody has a different story and is at a different point in healing. The point here is, make what you say count overall. PTSD is not a curse, a plague or something that you ask for. It's never somebody's fault. Instead, it's a coping mechanism that everyone has that's designed to help them survive.
This blog contains graphic language and content. It also has "triggers" (sights, sounds, key words, etc.) that could be upsetting to PTSD survivors. If this bothers you, read at your own risk. If not, keep going and I hope this is helpful for you.
Thursday, May 31, 2007
Hi and welcome to the first of what I hope is many posts. I've looked all over the Net. And I have yet to find a central blog where PTSD victims/survivors worldwide can meet and talk freely. In my experience, most people don't know what PTSD means, are too busy to stop and think about it. And just don't care. It's the old out-of-sight-out-of-mind thing. So here's to hoping that this will in some small way help to change things. This blog will contain strong language and maybe controversial ideas to some people. But that's all right. The idea to be open, honest and then from that you start to heal.
A little about me. I've had severe PTSD for 35 years (due to ongoing childhood sexual abuse). I've lost jobs, relationships and friends. My family has disowned me because I'm "handicapped" and they can't be bothered with weird and freaky s**t from me. And, it's YOUR fault. Nobody gives a f**k about your thoughts, feelings, ideas and concerns. Don't be so f*****g sensitive. You'll never survive.Oh, ok. So it's my fault. Getting repeatedly raped is fun. It's what I asked for. So now just go away and deal with it? I feel like my family is long gone. The rare times when we have really superficial "conversations", it always leaves me thinking, why did I just waste ten minutes on the phone with this person? The truth is it'll never change. Call it stupid f*****g pride or whatever. But as for me, my days as being the family peacmaker are over. So now you no longer have the right to tell me it's my fault and then say, sleezy ungrateful bastard son. After all the s**t we've done for you. This is how you show respect? YOU WERE NEVER THERE FOR ME. If you can't at least fake basic respect for me as a human being (if nothing else), then f**k off. I have better things to do with my time.
PTSD FAQ
Whether you've been diagnosed with PTSD or just want to know more, learning the basics can be technical and overwhelming. Here's an explanation of some basic terms to hopefully make this easier.
Is PTSD a disease?- Most therapists who are informed about PTSD say no. It's a condition that's a natural response to severe trauma: a combat situation, rape, seeing a murder, etc. Better to realize that you have a problem and get help.
What exactly happens with PTSD?- When some trauma happens its too much to cope with. So the mind disconnects or "dissociates". The mind and the body are interconnected in many ways.
There are different types of dissociation:
(DID)Depersonalisation disorder-This features strong feelings that you are detached from your body, or that your body is unreal. A person may also experience mild to moderate derealisation and mild identity confusion.
Dissociative amnesia-An inability to remember significant personal information or particular periods of time, which can’t be explained by ordinary forgetfulness. People may also experience mild to moderate depersonalisation, derealisation and identity confusion.
Dissociative fugue-A person travels to a new location during a temporary loss of identity. He or she may assume a different identity and a new life. There is severe amnesia, with moderate to severe identity confusion and often identity alteration.
Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)Post-traumatic stress disorder is not currently classed as a dissociative disorder, but people who experience dissociative distress frequently also meet diagnostic criteria for PTSD. They may experience flashbacks, reliving the trauma repeatedly, which cause extreme distress. This, in turn, triggers a dissociative, numbing reaction. Moderate to severe amnesia is common to both PTSD and dissociative disorders, as is derealisation and depersonalisation.
Dissociative disorder not otherwise specified (DDNOS)In DDNOS, each of the five types of dissociation may occur, but the pattern of mix and severity does not fit any of the other dissociative disorders.
Dissociative identity disorder (DID)This is the most complex dissociative disorder. It’s also known as multiple personality disorder (MPD) according to the ICD10, the British diagnostic manual. This has given rise to the idea that this is a personality disorder, although it is not. Its defining feature is severe identity alteration. Someone with DID experiences these shifts of identity as separate personalities. Each identity may assume control of behaviour and thoughts at different times. Each has a distinctive pattern of thinking and relating to the world. Severe amnesia means that one identity may have no awareness of what happens when another identity is in control. The amnesia can be one-way or two-way. Identity confusion is usually moderate to severe. It also includes severe depersonalisation and derealisation.
Why is PTSD still not being treated effectively if its so widespread?- Lots of reasons. Not all but many therapists don't receive the proper training. Many who do don't accept all the aspects of PTSD (ESPECIALLY dissociation). And people close to victims don't want to deal with what happened.Can you recover from PTSD?- It depends on the trauma and when you start to get the proper help. Unfortunately for many people there's self-denial which can mean that symptoms can continue for many years. Once you start to get the proper help, there's no magic solution.
Sunday, June 3, 2007
Dissociating
Right now dissociating is a HUGE problem. In the morning I wake up and have hyperarousal. Your mind is racing with all kinds of thoughts mixed up. Then it's a real battle to wake up and focus on where you are. Once you get past that then the opposite (hypoarousal) starts. You have no energy, can't focus and everything takes a huge effort.Along with that dissociating is still a real problem. People with severe dissociating have lots of symptoms: you can't focus and have no energy.
Triggers can aggrevate dissociating. Triggers can be anything: sounds, colors, key words or phrases, music.adrenalin surges. Severe trauma is trapped energy in your body. The longer PTSD continues untreated the more this energy surges in your body with no relief. How do you deal with this? Diet, exercise and more sleep are some good starters. Then again it depends on the severity of the original trauma.Sometimes I feel like I'm going to disappear. I'll dissociate and then have no idea where I am or what's happened. You try to avoid triggers and do all the right things. It's a nice day and this s**t feels endless. What do I have to do to have some peace for a change?
Tuesday, June 5, 2007
Dissociating and Multiples
One basic rule to remember with PTSD is this. The more severe the initial trauma, the more dissociating you'll do to compensate. When most people hear PTSD, what's the first thing they think of? Rambo, vets who will go postal and blow away lots of people, etc. Instead, a large majority of the population is at risk for either getting or suffering with PTSD for many many years.
PTSD can come from sexual, physical OR verbal abuse as well. Unfortunately in the States most people think of abuse as physical. They don't stop and think about the devestating effect that verbal can have. And how the combination of these is one of the worst things a PTSD victim/survivor can deal with.Let's clear up a big misconception. When trauma is severe and ongoing you'll dissociate to try and cope. If the trauma is really severe you'll develop multiple personalities. This is NOT schitzophrenia. That's a physical illness. Instead multiple personalities in PTSD are a way for your mind to cope with what's happening. When multiples develop (and if you're lucky) this combination will help you to somehow cope. The bad part happens when you finally realize that it's PTSD and you try to get the proper help. Most people at this point try to get all the personalities to work together so the person can function day-to-day.
Can you re-intergrate all of these personalities? Yes you can. But it takes a long time and might involve a mix of treatments (EMDR, cognitive and medication). More on this later.In my case I had ongoing sexual, verbal and some physical abuse all together. Right now I have about 25 multiple personalities that fight for attention. I try to get them to listen to me and understand that, yes what happened was horrible. But if we don't work together we can't survive.Who are these? The little kid, the cynical one, the shy one and others who I still don't know that much about yet. It's hard to explain. You're aware of 25 different voices in your head all competing for attention. Imagine a board meeting that has the usual mix of personalities. Arguments and various other stuff happens while you try to keep some control. But many times that doesn't work well.Last night was really rough. Lots of dissociating and many times I felt like my body wasn't there. You try to stay in control but you feel like you're going to disappear. You want to enjoy a nice sunny day. But then you start to dissociate and feel like you need to hide. But what if you're in a crowded place and there's nowhere to go? What if you're driving from home to somewhere and you have to turn around and go back again because you can't concentrate? These are some of the everyday things that many PTSD sufferers deal with all the time.
Unfortunately many politicians are using these people are political pawns and really have no freaking clue about it at all. You want to stand up and explain. But if you do most people don't want to listen. If you're not a celebrity and you go public this could have serious consequences. So what do you do?
Sorry if this seems like a lot. But thanks for sticking it out. More coming soon.
jpnhito
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