Back On Line

Sorry to be off for a while. Due to technical problems, I couldn't log back in here. Did I forget the right user name and password? Tried it again, and it turns out the originals still work. So back online.

Symptoms are still there. Almost had another dissociative blackout yesterday. You have to really fight to focus and keep some sense of what's real and what isn't. You have to protect yourself.

Triggering things are everywhere. Set boundaries and protect yourself.

Fight Symptoms

A tough day of fighting symptoms. We don't have death wish. But you have to fight hard to not fall apart.

Protect yourself. It's not your fault. Don't dissociate. You don't want to fall apart.

You have to protect yourself.

Try to Focus

Don't dissociate. Try to keep some sense of focus. Protect yourself.

Don't Dissociate

Fighting symptoms and trying to keep some sense of focus.

Don't dissociate.
Don't dissociate.
Don't let your guard down.
Protect yourself.
Set boundaries.

Don't dissociate. Do something else.

Fight Symptoms

Another long day of fighting symptoms. Triggering stuff is everywhere. No TV today. You go shopping and have to avoid certain aisles. You never get a break. You have to protect yourself.

If you're not careful, one tiny triggering thing can literally kill you. I'm not crazy. I'm not weird, a freak or dangerous to anybody. But the pain is always there.

Set boundaries as best you can. Don't let your guard down so that you might dissociate. On bad days, you just stay home and try to focus on feeling safe. Don't go out. Protect yourself. You have to do it.

You can't handle the pain of the world and yours all at the same time. Also remember that you did nothing wrong. Horrible people are responsible for what they do and say. Not us.

Protect yourself.

Protect Yourself

Another day of fighting symptoms. Set boundaries and protect yourself.

Trying for Some Peace and Quiet

Had to go out for a while. Now, it's back at home and trying to screen everything. No TV, no Trump garbage. Instead, some peace and quiet and trying to feel safe.

Lots of tea and trying to stay away from salt and sugar. Both played roles (and still do)  in my heart disease. Your system can only take so much abuse before it gives out. Despite that, the extreme ups and downs still happen. One minute you feel like you have some sense of clarity. Then, you're one step away from hurting yourself.

Triggering things can come from the tiniest things. A color, a sight, a sound. A face that reminds you of others. Also, flashbacks to torture and daily non stop abuse. You can't control what horrible people say and do. But they do have to live with the consequences of their actions.

You have to fight back. You can't just sit and do nothing. Just going with the flow doesn't work. You try to cope as best you can.

But the pain never goes away.
 .

Struggle with Symptoms

Happy birthday to us. A struggle to deal with symptoms and no energy at all. By the middle of the day, it was just go home and go to bed.

You have to protect yourself.

Anger and Abandonment

Another day of struggling with symptoms. Anger and frustration are tough to face, as best you can. But denial just makes things worse. Face your trauma history head on, unless it endangers you in some way.

No matter what, it's not our fault. Protect yourself.

Protect Yourself

A long day with dealing with symptoms. Went to an early birthday lunch with some family. While I appreciated the gesture, I'd like to have time for me. You try and focus as you're being bombarded with pain. You try and focus so you won't dissociate.

Keep your diet balanced, and see if it helps to deal with symptoms. It's still exhausting as you deal with  anger, frustration, and trying not to attack people. You have to fight.

Pain is always there. You fight to focus and not dissociate. You just want to have a moment of clarity. But the battle never stops.

Protect yourself.

A Constant Battle with Symptoms

Another day of fighting symptoms and dissociating. Our tolerance for an acidic diet is gone. Avoid salt and sugar as much as possible. Also salt, which is another stimulant.

Burnout never goes away. But you do your best to protect yourself.

More appointments coming up.

More Pain

Symptoms and pain are still there. Especially arthritic pain. No luck yet in trying to get second opinions on possible exploratory heart surgery or from a rheumatologist. We'll see what happens.

Set boundaries as best you can. Protect yourself.

Pain Comes Flooding Out

Another day of symptoms and pain. For a while I thought I'd have a break from arthritis. Now, I can barely move. What's the triggering thing to make it worse? Salt? Sugar? Acidic content? Even if I focus, I can barely standup. Later I'll try my yoga practice and see how I feel then.

Or, is it backed up trauma pain flooding out? If it doesn't come out in one way, it comes out in others.
You have to face it head on, as best you can.

Protect yourself.

Trying to Focus

Burnout is always there. Just like all the other symptoms. Don't dissociate. Don't let your guard down to then black out. You have no idea of where you are. You have to protect yourselves.

Screen everything and stay safe.

Pain Is Always There

Everything's connected. Health is both physical and mental. Pain never goes away.

Trying to stretch and be careful with the diet. Too acidic means inflammation? You have to protect yourself.

Flashbacks still happen to abuse, torture and more. You have to protect yourself.

Stay safe.

Nightmares and More

Nightmares have come back. There's no set pattern to them. But you never get a break from them. Pain is also there. Arthritic, circulation and body memory pain. All at the same time. You have to fight back. You can't just sit back and do nothing.

You scream and fight to get anger out. Sometimes you get a brief moment of clarity and relief. But then the cycle starts again. When the end of the day comes, you can barely move. But you have to fight. Just doing nothing will make you fall apart.

We did nothing wrong
It's not our fault
We are not weird, strange or dangerous in any way
You have to screen everything to protect yourself
You have to fight back

Protect yourself.

Trying for Balance

Another night of almost no sleep. Stay away from salt, sugar and caffeine as much as possible. Set boundaries. Screen everything. Some days there's no TV. No being bombarded with pain. But even with these things, it's still there.

I go out driving somewhere, and flashbacks happen to getting hit by another car. My car is totaled. Am I dead? No. Can I move? Yes. Why is this happening? Pain is always there. Dissociating is always there. I also know that your chemical balance plays a role in this. If you can keep your p/h levels in a good balance, it helps to a certain extent.

But the pain is always there. You never get a break.

You try and focus on a good chi flow. But it's always a struggle. It's like at times bits and pieces come out of nowhere. You have to fight really hard to get the anger out and feel like maybe you'll get a few seconds of relief.

The pain is still there.

You have to fight back. You have to protect yourself. You don't have a choice.

Flashbacks and More

A tough day with symptoms and lots of flashbacks. I'm driving somewhere and suddenly I'm in an accident where I was almost killed. In the past ten years I've almost died 5 times. You have to focus really hard to protect yourself. Fourth of July fireworks? Also triggering.

Torture flashbacks still happen. Do you still have these happen? How do you deal with these?

Stay safe.

Incurable Condition

PTSD is incurable. Which means like for any incurable condition, you do the best you can to cope with symptoms. Dissociating is still one of the hardest ones to deal with. You don't want to disappear and no idea of where you are. Blackouts still happen.

Despite that, you protect your well being. What else can you do?

Pain and Symptoms

Fighting symptoms and exhaustion all day. Even if you manage to get some sleep at night, you still struggle to focus and wake up.

Fight all day to protect yourself. Pain never goes away, and you don't have a choice. Take care of yourself.