Energy and More

Lately, every day seems like there's violently triggering stuff everywhere you look. Can't watch TV. Everything online has to be screened. Can't livestream tunes for more than about 30 seconds before we need a break. It's too much stimulus.

On top of that, my energy level is down. Appetite is down. It takes an enormous amount of energy to do tiny things.

Went to the latest doctor appointment. Turns out my heart functioning rate has gone up slightly. Still below normal though. Also, I have to have a new MRI to check one of my main heart valves. Then again, no need right now for more meds or surgery.

Are you getting any sleep at night? We try and yet we're lucky if you can sleep for an hour. When you can, it feels like every hour you wake up. Then you try to go back to sleep, and you pick up where you left off in your dream/nightmare/whatever. You know you're not crazy. You're not a threat to anybody. But you have to fight back to keep some sense of not dissociating.

You just want to feel safe.

Sorry to Be Away

Sorry to be away for a while. But the past week has been a real struggle with body pain and trying not to violent dissociate. It's like a migrane that never goes away, no matter what you do. You don't want to have a relapse and go back to lots of salt and sugar. Burnout makes you crave those things. But I don't want to fall apart.

One of my nieces made another suicide attempt, and will be out of the hospital tomorrow. While I try to be supportive from a distance, I can't handle her pain, mine, AND the pain of the rest of the world all at the same time. It's too much. I still at times have psychosis symptoms. You have to fight back to try and keep some sense of being grounded.

No cable news. Everything has to be screened. I don't want to relapse again with violent dissociating. It only makes pain worse.

Hope you're doing okay.

Bombarded with Pain

Nightmares are back. You fight to survive and then open your eyes. You try to focus and have some idea of where you are. Is this real or not? Are you dissociating or not? Sometimes psychosis symptoms happen. It's like your whole system is being assaulted.

You walk around in the dark and try to feel safe. Sometimes you go back to bed and try to get some sleep. Almost always you go back to the nightmares. Then, you turn on the TV with the sound down. That way you try to focus on something tangible. You're always run down.

Word on the radio interview is that a MP3 copy is on the way. Once I know how to find it online, I'll post it here. In the meantime, everything has to be screened. You feel like you're constantly being bombarded with flashbacks, images and pain. You have to fight to try and keep some sense of being grounded. Easy to say, but not always to do.

Am I responsible for saving the world from all of the evil people? No. But you still struggle with that. Instead, you try to protect your well being. Pay attention to small things in how you feel. Don't just blow everything off. Instead, if it's a threat, no.

Relapsing and violently dissociating only makes things worse. Try to not intentionally put yourself in a situation where you would.

Protect yourself.

Protect Yourself

Another day of struggling for rest and fighting symptoms. I go back in a week for my next cardiologist appointment. Closer is my father's back in the hospital again (due to his back surgery). The good news is his rehab is going ok so far. So he'll be ok.

Does it feel like violently triggering stuff is everywhere? You're not responsible for it. You can't singlehandedly save the world. You constantly feel run down. Small things take a huge amount of energy. but you know that protecting yourself comes first.

You just want to feel safe. You want to have control over your life. How's your struggle?

On the Radio

I did a new radio interview to be aired at 8 p.m. my time. Then, one of the producers emailed and said no, it's on at 6. Not 8. Managed to listen to the tail end of my interview. Then, I could only handle bits and pieces of the rest of the hour. Way too triggering. As soon as I have the link to it, I'll post it.

What else? The adrenal burnout never goes away. One aspect of that is that you always crave sugar and salt to rebalance your system. Or at least you think it will. However, being a heart patient I have to keep those as low as possible.

Dissociating is still a struggle. Especially when you try to wake up in the morning and focus. You have to really concentrate and then later in the day you start to have some balance. But it's still there. Sometimes you scream and fight to not fall apart. Just a sign of how severe my symptoms have been and continue to be.

Nightmares and body pain are still there. Circulation pain is at times all over. My cardiologist says that's a common symptom. But it's still frustrating to deal with.

I don't want to feel scared and vanish from dissociating. You have to fight to keep a sense of balance. You just want to feel safe.

A Struggle

When was the last time I got a decent night's sleep? I can't remember. Every night you try and end up waking up every hour. Then, you're always dragging thru the rest of the day. Plus, you're fighting all the other symptoms as well.

Constant exhaustion.

Dissociative Slip Up. Fight to Not Black Out.

Another struggle to not black out from dissociating. Had a slip up and had to fight REALLY HARD to get back to reality. You don't want to be stuck in an endless trap with no way to escape. You have to fight back.

You also struggle with how severe symptoms have been and continue to be. You're not weird, a danger to anybody else, or going to fall apart. But you do have to constantly fight to keep some sense of being grounded. It's still a struggle to know what's real and what isn't.

Trying to Focus

Another day of fighting symptoms and trying to not black out. You feel wiped out, but what else can you do?

Exhaustion and Speaking Out

All trauma survivors deserve to be heard. It's still exhausting to deal with symptoms. But earlier today I pre-taped an interview on a rape survivor radio show (to be aired later this month). Up to this point, I had done 6 (5 radio and 1 website). So how hard could this be? Meditated for a while beforehand to be able to try and stay grounded. Managed to get through it without any breaks. The show has a good reputation and helps a lot of people. So if I can be a part of that (and protect my well being), I'll do it.

More on this later.

Fight Hard to Not Dissociate

Another exhausting day of fighting to not dissociate. What's real and what isn't? You're exhausted, but what other choice do you have?

Fighting to Stay Grounded

Another night of almost no sleep. You try to go to bed and do all the right things beforehand. No spicy foods. No late night snacks. No late night triggering stuff. Don't intentionally put yourself in a position to dissociate and fall apart. Despite doing all of that, you still can't go to sleep. Wake up every hour and ask. Am I still dreaming, or dissociating?

Then, it's usually 2 a.m. You walk around the apartment in the dark and sit on the couch. Try to feel safe. But then, even if you try to go back to sleep the nightmares come back. You're always run down. You're always struggling to try and feel safe in your own home.

Right now, triggering stuff is everywhere. Death, destruction, Trump's racist shit. The media censoring sane and rational people like Jill Stein. How come she never gets anywhere? Not once do any of these media "pundits" ever say, I know! It's because we censor the shit out of her! That's why!

Am I responsible for stopping all of the evil and nasty people in the world? No. If the worst happens and Trump wins, is it my fault? No, it's not. But you still struggle with emptiness, abandonment, anger and more.

You don't want to hurt yourself or anybody else. But the pain is always there. You never get a break. Then again, the surest way to go to hell is to ignore your pain. Face your trauma history as best you can. So long as it doesn't hurt you in some way.

Why do lots of people say and do horrible things to you? I don't know. But I do know that everyone is responsible for what they say and do. Including them.

It's not my fault
It's not my fault
I did nothing wrong
It's not my fault
I'm not weird, strange, a freak or dangerous
I have no desire to hurt anybody. Including me
Why do other people say and do horrible things?
Can I trust anybody?
Is everyone lying to me?

I've never had one day free from PTSD symptoms. I don't know what that's like. But you can't just sit back and do nothing.

You just want to feel safe.

Be Careful

Triggering stuff is everywhere. Even if you go out, you have to focus first. Almost everywhere you look, everything is a threat. You fight to protect yourself, but you can't fall apart. You're exhausted, but you can't just do nothing.

Protect yourself.

Trauma Pain

Either trauma pain comes out in one way. Or, lots of others. Lots of pain, especially circulation pain. Stay away from stimulants, as much as possible. Also, protect yourself.