Trying to Focus

Nightmares still happen. This means waking up around 3 a.m., and then eating breakfast. After that, you try to go back to sleep. But the nightmares are still there.

You try to wake up, and battle to not dissociate all day long. Exhaustion is always there. You can't just sit and do nothing. You have to fight back to try and keep some sense of balance.

What's real and what isn't? You have to feel your way thru a lot of space to not feel many times like you're under threat. You never get a break.

You don't have a choice.
You have to protect yourself.

You just want to feel safe.

Lots of Pain

There's no place to hide. Denial, severe alcoholism, dissociating. You struggle with all of that. But you also try to face your trauma history as best you can.

You feel paralyzed. The smallest things take an enormous amount of energy. You struggle to know what's real and what isn't. You can't just sit back and do nothing.

You're always exhausted. But if you don't fight for some sense of being grounded, you'll fall apart. What other choice do you have?

You don't.

Focus 24 Hours a Day

How's your day? Here, it's like many parts of the world. Endless heat, concerns, and problems. In our case, no break ever in dealing with symptoms.

It's a struggle to check the I-can-save-the-world-all-by-myself pattern that's easy to fall into. Convince millions of people not to vote for Trump or Hillary? It's not my responsibility to make sure that each of them does their homework before they go to bed. Instead, you try to protect your well being.

Every day it's an exhausting battle to focus and not dissociate. In the past you thought it would help you to escape pain. Instead, it just makes things worse. At times you turn off all noise, sit on the floor and rock back and forth. You don't want to be bombarded with pain. You just want to feel safe in your own home and not literally fall apart. You don't know where you are or what time it is. You don't want to feel trapped.

You have nothing to hide behind. Dissociating, alcoholism or the rest of it. But the pain is still there. You still feel paralyzed and have to fight hard to not slip into a death wish. I have no desire to hurt myself or anybody else. But you still have to fight that "what if I wasn't here" thought. Would anybody care?

Would anybody pay attention?
Can I trust anybody? Or, is everybody lying to me?

You can't control other horrible people. But you can protect yourself. You have to.

Trying to Focus

Lots of pain flooding out. You have nothing to hide behind, and you fight hard to not black out. Or, to give into feeling totally black and it's just despair. Nothing else.

Don't Dissociate

Lots of triggering stuff today. You focus really hard to not dissociate. Yet at times you don't know what's real and what isn't. Which tells you how severe your symptoms have been and continue to be.

Protect yourself.

Focusing Really Hard

Today, focusing really hard to know what's real and what isn't. It's extremely exhausting, and you don't have a choice. Lots of walking around and feeling empty space to make sure that it is empty. A sign of how severe symptoms have been and continue to be.

Feeling run down and empty.

Struggle to Not Dissociate

We're focusing really hard to try and not to dissociate. Also to protect your well being. You feel paralyzed at times. You're run down and getting bombarded with pain.

You have to protect your well being.

Triggering Stuff and Lots of Pain

Screen everything. Today, lots of violently triggering stuff is everywhere. You can't save the world from all of the evil horrible people out there. But you can protect yourself as you stay aware.

Lots of body pain flooding out in various ways. One of the worst is lower back and hip pain. Is this arthritis? My GP says no. But on bad days I have problems walking.

What else happens? Nightmares, adrenalin surges and anal pain. Torture flashbacks. Bad days with anger and wanting to attack everyone. Not knowing what's real and what isn't. You have to focus really hard to try and keep some sense of being grounded.

You have to protect yourself.

Protect Yourself

More heat and more pain. Fight to not dissociate and black out. Exhaustion never goes away. I don't want to end up taking even more meds and risk severe addictions.

You have to protect yourself.

Something Else?

Fighting symptoms all day and trying to not black out. It's like permanent exhaustion. Do I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS) as well? Not sure.

Screen Everything

What's real and what isn't? It's an ongoing battle to try and not dissociate and then fall apart. You have to focus really hard, and then you're exhausted. But you don't have a choice.

Screen everything. Protect yourself and try to focus on things around you. It's still a struggle.

Get Out of Town

Happy birthday to us! Went out to lunch and then out of town to the beach. It was nice to just sit and try to not be bombarded with triggering stuff non stop. Symptoms still happen. So it's always a struggle.

Torture flashbacks still happen. Adrenalin surges happen. Pain comes flooding out. But you try and face it head on as best you can.

Protect yourself.

Pain Is Flooding Out

You try to focus and to not dissociate. But today pain is flooding out. You don't want to be hooked on lots of new meds (due to my severe addiction history). But it still comes out.

If it doesn't come out in one way, it will come out in others.

Nightmares still happen. You try to go to sleep, but you're lucky if you can sleep for one hour at a time.

Protect yourself.

Fighting to Not Black Out

Another day of fighting to not dissociate. Don't black out. If I do, will one of my multiples lash out? It's been a long time since they have. But blackouts still happen.

Protect yourself. Screen everything. Because you have to.

Being Bombarded with Pain

You try to go to sleep at night. You try not to have late night snacks, caffeine or watching violent triggering stuff. Despite all of that, you wake up every hour. Then it's almost 3 a.m., and what do you do then? Many times we try to have breakfast. Then, go back to bed. You still have nightmares.

All day it's a struggle to not dissociate and black out. Anal pain and torture flashbacks keep happening. Sometimes on bad days you just stay home and spend all day trying to not dissociate. You walk all over the apartment and check to make sure that the psycho rapist isn't there. You could dissociate and maybe escape pain? No, it doesn't work like that. You have to fight back and protect yourself.

Feel angry or abandoned? That still happens. You can't control what horrible people say and do. Instead, you try to protect yourself. You go elsewhere to try and get the help that you need.

You have to face your trauma history as best you can, without endangering yourself. What else can you do?

Emptiness and Fighting Back

Exhaustion. Fighting to not black out. Body pain that comes flooding out. But you have to fight back.

What else can you do?

Feeling Empty

You try to go thru the day and protect yourself. But you feel empty. You feel abandoned.

What do you do?

Came Back

Sorry to be away for a while. The past few days have been a real struggle to not disssociate and black out. You sit and look around the room, and ask: what's real and what isn't? But despite that, you have to fight back and not relapse. Just like an addict, your first response is it relieves pain. But it doesn't. It makes it worse.

Do your nightmares still happen? Lately, they're ultra violent. Everywhere you turn, somebody's trying to kill you. You have to constantly fight back. You can't trust anybody. If you don't fight back, you'll die.

Is anger still there? Some days you feel like you can't trust anybody. Everybody's lying. You feel abandoned. You have to protect yourself. What do you do?

Pain comes flooding out. Everywhere you look, it's violently triggering. Anal pain, body pain, torture flashbacks and more. It has to come out. If not in one way, in lots of others. You scream and don't want to fall apart. You have to fight back.

You can't just sit and do nothing.
You have to fight back.
You have to protect yourself.
You don't have a choice.

Sadness comes and you feel crippled. You don't want to hurt yourself or anybody else. What do you do?

You have to protect your well being. We're following the right things.

Protect Yourself (Contains Potentially Triggering Content. Read at Your Own Risk).

Lots of triggering stuff today, everywhere you look. Torture flashbacks. You scream in pain and fight to not black out and fall apart. Abandonment, pain and more pain. You have nothing to hide behind. Which means that it has to come out.

Screen everything, and protect your well being.

A Holiday. But Still Don't Dissociate

How has your 4th been? Here, it's try to chill out, yet protect yourself from dissociating and body pain. We now have nothing to hide behind.

Protect yourself and no matter what, don't dissociate. How do you cope with pain?

Protect Yourself

Into the holiday weekend, and trying hard to not dissociate. Part of this means screening everything. If you try to watch any TV, turn the sound down to avoid being violently triggered. Weird stuff comes out of nowhere. At other times you scream and concentrate to not black out from dissociating.

Do psychosis symptoms still happen? Sometimes yes. Someone's trying to kill you. Monsters are trying to attack you or destroy you. You can't just sit back and do nothing You have to fight back. You're exhausted and lie down at times in the middle of the day. But you can't just sit there.

Sometimes you don't know what's real and what isn't. You spend the whole day walking around at home at checking everywhere. No, there's nobody here. In the corner. Under the bed. Hiding in the shower. You have to protect yourself.

Can you single handedly save the world? No you can't. You're aware, but you check the impulse to take on the world's pain. You're alone is hard enough.

Do you feel paralyzed at times because you have nothing to hide behind anymore? Denial, dissociating, binge drinking and more. Now, we don't have any of that. This means at times you have moments of clarity. Then, pain that hits all of you. Sometimes you just sit and try to not black out from it. Don't attack anybody. You just want to protect yourself.

You don't have a choice.

Severity of Symptoms

We still struggle with how ultra severe our symptoms have been and continue to be. You just try to protect yourself.

Don't dissociate. Do something else. Protect yourself.