An Exhausting Fight

How's your chi level? While I can't go to a proper dojo(studio) to take Tai Chi classes, I do the next best thing by studying on my own. Within that, you try and focus to maintain a good sense of chi flow. However, everybody has bad days with that.

When you have one, what do you do? Every reputable mental health source that we trust says the same thing. Trauma is backed up energy trapped in various parts of your body. Thru EMDR and other methods, you can safely deal with this so it's no longer a threat. I used to go to a therapist who used EMDR and cognitive therapy. After a period of time though, we stopped EMDR because it was too painful.

Next month, I go to a new psychiatrist. What will her approach be? I don't know. I'm just trying to focus on a sense of balance when you feel like you're abandoned. What helps you?

How Are You Coping?

A surprise. I managed to get thru the day with no caffeine. Drinking caffeine can drain your chi. Plus, who needs the high and the hallucinations coming back in my case? It's like you're ultra aware of what the tiniest amounts of chemicals can do to your system.

You're also aware of how nightmares and violent PTSD systems can do to you. If these keep happening, is this a dangerous sign in some way? Or, does it just depend on your history?

I'm not sure. But, I still struggle with not letting anger totally eat me alive. How's your struggle?

It's Hard to Shake Off

I'm really trying to stick to my as-organic-as-possible diet. Everything's in terms of any caffeine? How much salt is in this? Because of something out of my control, I won't have my first cardiac follow up appointment for another two months. If I eat this, am I hurting my system, or not?
Since I can't reach my main doctor until next week, I'll just stick with as healthy as possible.

Before you could eat and drink anything you want, and it was second nature. Now, tiny amounts of salt means chest pain. Is my system that weak? Caffeine means losing your chi, and at times hallucinations because my system was toxic from too much. Add to that, PTSD symptoms that still happen.

All at the moment.

Your Sense of Balance

One minute you have some sense of clarity. Then, you're fighting to not black out from dissociating. You can't sit back and do nothing, because that doesn't work.

Your energy level is balanced. Then, you have nothing.

I don't want to have a relapse and go back to destructive dissociating stuff.

Just trying to keep a sense of balance.

Feeling Abandoned

A week of things to do and sleep to catch up on. What else? Struggling with abandonment.

You know it's not your fault. Getting raped is something that any any sane person asks for. Then again, what do you do when you're struggling to keep some sense of balance and to not fall apart?

I feel sad, and I'm not sure of what to do. I have flashbacks and have to fight to not dissociate. In the past ten years, I've almost died 5 times. I have no death wish. But you have thoughts about, what if I wasn't here? Would anybody miss me? Would anybody care that I not here?

It's like you're constantly aware and fighting to not fall apart. You constantly have to be on guard.

Fight hard to Keep Your Focus

It's not like we're feeling like we're under attack 24 hours a day. Lately though, you do have to focus more to not relapse and go back to destructive dissociative stuff. It doesn't matter if it's drugs or some other type f addiction. The urge to just say f**k it, I want this now won't help.

What causes other trauma survivors to relapse? I don't knoe. It's not fair to them for me to try and take their place. Just in my case, it's a matter of escaping lifelong pain.

Ordinary human beings who didn't ask to be trauma survivors can only take so much.

Trying Not to Relapse

It's still the weekend. Too late to go out. Instead, stay in with some nice tea and some latenight TV.

No more doctor appointments his month. However, bills and trying to always have as many options as possible.Not perfect control, but trying to feel better and not dependent on others for literally every single thing.

Do you have problems with ange and a sense of abandonment. One minute you feel like you have some sense of focus. Then, you literally fall down and cry becuase tou feel like NOBODY's EVER been there to help. Nobody will listen or do anything to help you.

You don't want to off yourself. You don't want to attack everyone you see. Despite all of that, you still struggle with anger.I didn't ask to be raped by three psycho pedophiles.You don't want to hurt yourself or anyone else. But the anger is still there.

The lucid dreams are still there. The psycho rapist tries to go down on you. You fight back. They try to pin you down, rape you and then cut your throat.

Sorry, but I have to stop. I'm trying not to dissociate. Focus on what's real around you. The anger is still there. But you have to protect yourself.

Just try to keep your sense of balance.

We're Telling the Truth

How's your healing process? Do you still have nightmares, bloody pan and hyperawareness? We do. I've got an appointment with a psychiatrist next month, and we'll see what she has to say.

Despite that, I'm struggling with balancing filing for disability and keeping control over my life. Yes, you can't control everything that happens. However, you can do everything you can to maintain your dignity.

Do you feel like others who say they care really want nothing to do with you (as long as you talk about being a rape survivor)? That's not the only thing I am. But it IS part of me.

Maintain your boundaries as best you can. You're telling the truth that you were raped. That's all that matters.

Why do other horrible people act horribly? I don't know. Despite that, they have to live with what they say and do? Not you.

Just trying to keep my sense of balance. Any comments?

Keep Going

All day, I've been struggling with what happened to Phillip Seymour Hoffman. It's sad that he relapsed and died. In his case heroin. In my case, alcoholism, pot, hash, junk food, and for a short time, soft core porn. In the past ten years, I've almost died five times.

Yet, I'm still here.

Now, I'm dealing with the long term effects of things on you. Even years after you stop a bad habit, the damage can still be there. Does it ever completely go away? Does the pain of being raped ever completely go away?

I don't know.

On really bad days when we just want to cry, we turn things off and just sit. It's scary and horrible, but what else can we do?

How's Your Awareness?

A busy week with forms, bureaucracy, and is everyone out to lunch? It seems like it.

Also, for the past three nights, I've been having really violent nightmares. Is it because of feeling bombarded with traumatic stuff during the day? Is it because of eating dinner too late at night? I'm not sure.

Whatever the cause, the pain is still there. Does it ever go away? I don't know. On the other hand, every mental health source that I trust says the same thing. Denial for you isn't an issue anymore. Your holistic approach to your health  will be a bug plus as you heal overall.

Maybe that's one of the key words right now. Healing from a history of abuse.  I know it's not my fault that I have PTSD, heart disease and more. You do the best you can to try and cope. Now I see that even when you stop destructive stuff, the effects from it can last for a long time.

It's not my fault.

Who Do You Believe?

Let's start with this idea. Every trauma survivor is different. Different history, different abuse and other factors to struggle with. On the other hand, what do all trauma survivors want? To be able to tell the truth about what happened to them. Also, vindication. Having some sense of justice in some way. Does that always happen? Unfortunately, no. Yet, survivors continue to fight for that.

Dylan Farrow is trying to do that in her recent New York Times letter about being sexually abused by Woody Allen when she was a little girl. Now, just in case Woody Allen's attorneys are reading this, let's legally protect ourselves from any libel lawsuits.

She's "alleging" that these "incidents of abuse" (also known as rape) continued to happen over a period of time.

She told her mother what happened, and then? Nobody was charged.

Set aside all of the TMZ celebrity hype about Allen, Mia Farrow, who slept with who, is Frank Sinatra REALLY my father, and other stuff. Let's not take the MSM hype approach, and do something else.

Why would she talk about this now, twenty years later? What possible motivation(s) would she have?

She's telling the truth. She wants the truth to be known. She's a normal human being that's entitled to normal emotions (sadness, rage, abandonment and others).

Rape is torture. It doesn't matter if you're a little girl or boy, woman or man. The pain never goes away.

Trying to tell others about this (and then get them to believe you) can be almost as painful as being raped.

She's now a married woman. Are she and her husband having financial problems? Is she trying to shake Allen down for millions in a lawsuit settlement so she'll shut up and go away? My problem with this is this. I've NEVER met another survivor who would willingly lie about rape. It's hard enough as it is to deal with being raped yourself.

Now instead of people trying to find out the truth and deal with the reality of people being raped, what do we have? Celebrity mega hype with various doctors, attorneys, show biz reporters and the obligatory actor/comedian to give "expert" analysis on this.

And that's considered normal.

You may not believe it. But Farrow's speaking out is actually doing everyone a favor.Why? because it's forcing you to face harsh reality. If you got raped, wouldn't you want to be heard and treated like a normal human being?

It's Not Your Fault

Watching the Super Bowl halftime, with the sound down right now. Sometimes you need a break from the hype. But I'm still saying Denver by 4.

As for other stuff, my symptoms are still there. I ask some of my mental health sources about this. Do flashbacks to being raped ever go away? I know everybody's different. Now I'm dealing with that and heart disease.

Is any of this my fault? No it's not. Even though you know that, you still have bad moments where you struggle.The flashbacks , the body pain, bruises that show up where the psycho raipist pinned you down as they raped you and could have then left you for dead.

On the other hand, I know I don't want to die with anger from being raped. That way, the psychos who did this and others who were cruel all the time as I tried to gte help won't have that over me. That doesn't mean that I stop being a normal human being who has the right to those emotions.

Time for some more tea.