NOTE: This blog contains explicit content and "triggers" to help get points across:
sights
sounds
colors
key phrases and more
If these bother you, stop now. If not, keep going and thanks for your support.
Haven't been to therapy in a while for many reasons. The expense and my therapist is busy. Tomorrow I'll go back and talk about the dissociating.
Right now it's really severe and at times I don't know what to do. Lots of flashbacks still happen, and I have to fight to focus. Is this real or not? Where am I? I scream, I cry, I punch out walls or anything close to me. And once I even thought about suicide. But I won't do that.
If I did, I'd be giving all those m****rf*****s the satisfaction of saying, see, I told you he was a pathetic f**k up! Stupid piece of s**t. And I'll never do that. My multiples and little kid keep asking, how come nobody cares? I don't know what to say. But I do know compartmentalizing helps to cope. Still, when I feel like killing the checkout person, what do I do then?
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
How do survivors cope with extreme stress?
NOTE: This blog contains explicit language and content, including occasional "triggers." These can be potentially harmful:
sights
sounds
key words or phrases
and more
If these bother you, stop reading now. If not, keep going and thanks for your support.
The past few days have been brutal with lots of morphing and dissociating. At times my little kid and multiples feel like 35 years of s**t is caving in all at once. I do all the helpful holistic stuff. And it still hits hard. My therapist says to just keep going and it will pass. Part of me understands that. But also, I think will I always have this?
The terror of the whole world not caring hits hard. You don't know who to trust. What do I do? What do I say? You cry at night and only want someone to listen. But it feels like the world says, only women get raped. If you're a guy and you're stupid enough to get raped NOT ONCE but MANY TIMES, what the f**k's wrong with you? And after that it's piss off.
But I'll never stop talking. And, remember this election year to vote your conscience. And not a catagory.
sights
sounds
key words or phrases
and more
If these bother you, stop reading now. If not, keep going and thanks for your support.
The past few days have been brutal with lots of morphing and dissociating. At times my little kid and multiples feel like 35 years of s**t is caving in all at once. I do all the helpful holistic stuff. And it still hits hard. My therapist says to just keep going and it will pass. Part of me understands that. But also, I think will I always have this?
The terror of the whole world not caring hits hard. You don't know who to trust. What do I do? What do I say? You cry at night and only want someone to listen. But it feels like the world says, only women get raped. If you're a guy and you're stupid enough to get raped NOT ONCE but MANY TIMES, what the f**k's wrong with you? And after that it's piss off.
But I'll never stop talking. And, remember this election year to vote your conscience. And not a catagory.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Fighting to Maintain that Balance
NOTE:
This blog contains explicit language and at times uses potentially harmful "triggers":
sights
sounds
colors
key phrases
and more
These are only used to help get across key points. If these bother you, stop reading now. If not, continue and thanks for the support.
Went to therapy, and at times it was frustrating. Every client reaches points where you feel stuck and wonder, what now? Is this a never-ending Woody Allen movie? Or will I someday be ok?
Some of the hardest things to deal with right now are when flahsbacks happen. And it feels like it's humiliating and the WHOLE WORLD is looking and saying, what the f**k do you want from me? You fix this. People laugh at you, people treat you like s**t. And you're supposed to fix it all and never be human with actual emotions and more that all trauma surivivors have. Another thing. The fact that my father put his career first over the physical and emotional welfare of his own kid. Can't piss off the boss,. So just shut the f**k up and go away.
How is a little kid supposed to deal with that?
This blog contains explicit language and at times uses potentially harmful "triggers":
sights
sounds
colors
key phrases
and more
These are only used to help get across key points. If these bother you, stop reading now. If not, continue and thanks for the support.
Went to therapy, and at times it was frustrating. Every client reaches points where you feel stuck and wonder, what now? Is this a never-ending Woody Allen movie? Or will I someday be ok?
Some of the hardest things to deal with right now are when flahsbacks happen. And it feels like it's humiliating and the WHOLE WORLD is looking and saying, what the f**k do you want from me? You fix this. People laugh at you, people treat you like s**t. And you're supposed to fix it all and never be human with actual emotions and more that all trauma surivivors have. Another thing. The fact that my father put his career first over the physical and emotional welfare of his own kid. Can't piss off the boss,. So just shut the f**k up and go away.
How is a little kid supposed to deal with that?
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Time for some resouces (part1)
NOTE:
This blog contains explicit content with some occasional "triggers":
sights
sounds
key words or phrases
music samples
colors
noises
Any or all of these can be potentially harmful to trauma survivors. So why put them here? Because sometimes these help to get important points across. If these bother you, stop reading now and try again alter. If not, keep going and thanks for the support.
Today, some vicious dissociating. But now things are feeling a little bit better. Which is a good time to start talking about support sites, groups and more. I'm not trying to dis anybody. Instead, for anyone who's trying to navigate their way thru starting to heal, hopefully these are helpful ideas.
First, keep in mind that support sites can be helpful. But all sites are a microcosm of the world. You have the whole range of people (from nice to nightmares). Sometimes there are clicks that you have to deal with. Somebody will always disagree with you and you'll probably get flamed too.
What do you do then? I've found that most after a while don't help. So I'm very reluctant to talk about this in a public way and out myself. The truth is, to many people having PTSD is being "mentally ill." And if you expose yourself to the wrong people, it can seriously hurt you in many ways.
Instead, don't think of PTSD as being a mental illness. Don't get hung up on techincal terms or various therapists who constantly debate studies. Realize it's a problem that you're working on to heal from.
Another point. Everyone is responsible for what they do and say. Especially destructive familes and others who caused your trauma. If necessary, you cut yourself off from them. Why? Because it's a matter of survival (literally). In my experience, nobody really cares and wants to deal with you and your PTSD from being raped. So where necessary, I cut myself off from them. Why be around people who are constant triggers? This can be tough when dealing with family or friends. But again, what do you do? Stay in a destructive situation? Or start to heal?
From time to time, I'll add links to various sites that can be helpful in healing. NOTE: I'm not responsible for the content/quality/results that come from using these sources. I'll do my best to try and find what seem to be quality sources. But beyond that, you're on your own.
If you come across helpful sites, please psost the URL in a comment. Then I'll add it to the links. Thanks!
This blog contains explicit content with some occasional "triggers":
sights
sounds
key words or phrases
music samples
colors
noises
Any or all of these can be potentially harmful to trauma survivors. So why put them here? Because sometimes these help to get important points across. If these bother you, stop reading now and try again alter. If not, keep going and thanks for the support.
Today, some vicious dissociating. But now things are feeling a little bit better. Which is a good time to start talking about support sites, groups and more. I'm not trying to dis anybody. Instead, for anyone who's trying to navigate their way thru starting to heal, hopefully these are helpful ideas.
First, keep in mind that support sites can be helpful. But all sites are a microcosm of the world. You have the whole range of people (from nice to nightmares). Sometimes there are clicks that you have to deal with. Somebody will always disagree with you and you'll probably get flamed too.
What do you do then? I've found that most after a while don't help. So I'm very reluctant to talk about this in a public way and out myself. The truth is, to many people having PTSD is being "mentally ill." And if you expose yourself to the wrong people, it can seriously hurt you in many ways.
Instead, don't think of PTSD as being a mental illness. Don't get hung up on techincal terms or various therapists who constantly debate studies. Realize it's a problem that you're working on to heal from.
Another point. Everyone is responsible for what they do and say. Especially destructive familes and others who caused your trauma. If necessary, you cut yourself off from them. Why? Because it's a matter of survival (literally). In my experience, nobody really cares and wants to deal with you and your PTSD from being raped. So where necessary, I cut myself off from them. Why be around people who are constant triggers? This can be tough when dealing with family or friends. But again, what do you do? Stay in a destructive situation? Or start to heal?
From time to time, I'll add links to various sites that can be helpful in healing. NOTE: I'm not responsible for the content/quality/results that come from using these sources. I'll do my best to try and find what seem to be quality sources. But beyond that, you're on your own.
If you come across helpful sites, please psost the URL in a comment. Then I'll add it to the links. Thanks!
Saturday, April 12, 2008
A Very Rough Stretch
NOTE:
This blog contains explicit content about trauma that includes some "triggers." These are many things that may be potenitally harmful to trauma survivors:
sights
sounds
music samples
colors
key words or phrases
These are only used to help get across important points. If these bother you, stop reading now and come back later. If it's ok, keep going. And thanks for the growing support.
Went to therapy yesterday, and it was another brutal session. My multiples, little kid and I all talked to the therapist. A lot of flashbacks, jump cuts to being raped, the a*****e who raped me going down on me, and other sick crap. Then, more fear. How come nobody pays attention? We know it's not our fault. But we tell someone and nobody cares. Nobody cares what you think. You f****d up so you fix this s**t. I don't have time for your crap. We scream and want to smash the therapist's office. Fortunately for all of us we don't. Instead though your body feels like you're going to literally short out. You know this isn't real. Nobody is f*****g me in the ass. He's not getting off on this. But why doensn't your body listen to you?
Where are we? Are we there getting raped again? Or are we somewhere else? The therapist says, look around you. What room are you in? Is this a*****e here? We look behind chairs and behind the doors. Maybe he's in another room. In an old lucid dream two other psycho pedophiles broke into my apt. We wanted to kill them, but we were paralyzed by fear. They grabbed us and we couldn't move. We had to focus really hard and THEN suddenly we could. We grabbed some scissors and cut them into a million pieces. Then we dragged their bodies out the door. Then we checked around for any others. Finally we could focus a little and see where we were.
We're using a lot of herbs to try and cope with all this. There's no way we'll ever go back to anti-depressants. Nobody listened when those were problems. So we had to go cold turkey on our own. 30 days of the worst hallucinations and OCD you can imagine. But what else could we do?
At times we still have to focus hard so we don't disappear. But also I won't talk about this with anyone outside of my therapist. It freaks people out (even after they keep saying, oh I can handle anything. Sharing is good for you). Then they cut you off and you think, what the f**k. Why did you waste my time when you knew you were going to just leave anyway? It's the different levels of abuse. At the top are vets with PTSD from combat or rape (mostly women but also some guys too). Next are women who get raped. Society can deal with this in a way. It's "normal" (for lack of a better word). Then, you have guys who get raped. But unless you're a celebrity or were raped by a priest, nobody wants to listen to you.
Why is that? Is it because it's their worst nightmare staring them in the face? Is it because there's no way to make money off it if it's a non-celebrity author? So instead, just shut up and go away. We just don't talk about s**t like this in public. And you fix it. Does this mean that in one sense society has no tolerance for guys (who in their view) are stupid enough to get raped? I mean, if it's a woman, I can understand that. But what the f**k's wrong with you? Not once but several times? What's your f*****g problem?
In the rare times that I have talked about this, people either cut me off or manipulated the hell out of it for their own ends. Which means aside from my therapist and one or two other places, this is the only outlet I have.
This blog contains explicit content about trauma that includes some "triggers." These are many things that may be potenitally harmful to trauma survivors:
sights
sounds
music samples
colors
key words or phrases
These are only used to help get across important points. If these bother you, stop reading now and come back later. If it's ok, keep going. And thanks for the growing support.
Went to therapy yesterday, and it was another brutal session. My multiples, little kid and I all talked to the therapist. A lot of flashbacks, jump cuts to being raped, the a*****e who raped me going down on me, and other sick crap. Then, more fear. How come nobody pays attention? We know it's not our fault. But we tell someone and nobody cares. Nobody cares what you think. You f****d up so you fix this s**t. I don't have time for your crap. We scream and want to smash the therapist's office. Fortunately for all of us we don't. Instead though your body feels like you're going to literally short out. You know this isn't real. Nobody is f*****g me in the ass. He's not getting off on this. But why doensn't your body listen to you?
Where are we? Are we there getting raped again? Or are we somewhere else? The therapist says, look around you. What room are you in? Is this a*****e here? We look behind chairs and behind the doors. Maybe he's in another room. In an old lucid dream two other psycho pedophiles broke into my apt. We wanted to kill them, but we were paralyzed by fear. They grabbed us and we couldn't move. We had to focus really hard and THEN suddenly we could. We grabbed some scissors and cut them into a million pieces. Then we dragged their bodies out the door. Then we checked around for any others. Finally we could focus a little and see where we were.
We're using a lot of herbs to try and cope with all this. There's no way we'll ever go back to anti-depressants. Nobody listened when those were problems. So we had to go cold turkey on our own. 30 days of the worst hallucinations and OCD you can imagine. But what else could we do?
At times we still have to focus hard so we don't disappear. But also I won't talk about this with anyone outside of my therapist. It freaks people out (even after they keep saying, oh I can handle anything. Sharing is good for you). Then they cut you off and you think, what the f**k. Why did you waste my time when you knew you were going to just leave anyway? It's the different levels of abuse. At the top are vets with PTSD from combat or rape (mostly women but also some guys too). Next are women who get raped. Society can deal with this in a way. It's "normal" (for lack of a better word). Then, you have guys who get raped. But unless you're a celebrity or were raped by a priest, nobody wants to listen to you.
Why is that? Is it because it's their worst nightmare staring them in the face? Is it because there's no way to make money off it if it's a non-celebrity author? So instead, just shut up and go away. We just don't talk about s**t like this in public. And you fix it. Does this mean that in one sense society has no tolerance for guys (who in their view) are stupid enough to get raped? I mean, if it's a woman, I can understand that. But what the f**k's wrong with you? Not once but several times? What's your f*****g problem?
In the rare times that I have talked about this, people either cut me off or manipulated the hell out of it for their own ends. Which means aside from my therapist and one or two other places, this is the only outlet I have.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Where is this coming from?
NOTE:
This blog contains explicit content including "triggers." These are many things that can be potentially harmful to trauma survivors:
sights
sounds
music
colors
key words or phrases
and more
If these bother you, stop reading now and come back later. If not, keep reading. And please pass this blog onto anyone you think it might help.
Why is this happening? All this week I've been getting hit hard with flashbacks, adrenalin surges and sick twisted thoughts (mainly about being raped again). I try to do all the right things. But it still happens. My therapist says it's one of my multiples reflecting what the sick m****rf****r and others said for so long. You fight to focus and stop this crap. But at times it's like the other person just won't back off.
Then at night you cry and try to sleep. But the nightmares keep coming.
This blog contains explicit content including "triggers." These are many things that can be potentially harmful to trauma survivors:
sights
sounds
music
colors
key words or phrases
and more
If these bother you, stop reading now and come back later. If not, keep reading. And please pass this blog onto anyone you think it might help.
Why is this happening? All this week I've been getting hit hard with flashbacks, adrenalin surges and sick twisted thoughts (mainly about being raped again). I try to do all the right things. But it still happens. My therapist says it's one of my multiples reflecting what the sick m****rf****r and others said for so long. You fight to focus and stop this crap. But at times it's like the other person just won't back off.
Then at night you cry and try to sleep. But the nightmares keep coming.
Saturday, April 5, 2008
What's Real and What's Not?
NOTE:
This blog contains explicit content including "triggers"(sights, sounds, phrases and more) that may be disturbing/potentially harmful to trauma survivors. If this bothers you, leave now and if you feel safer later, then come back. If not, keep going and please pass this blog onto anyone that it might help.
I decided to try something new today. When dissociating hits, slowly face what's happening and see that it's not there. Being raped again, being with an old partner, etc. The old partner would be great. But you have to stop and literally feel the space next to you in bed, the pillow and more. No one's there. In the past she was there. But now, nothing. It takes time and can be frustrating to do. But it seems like as you do that it cuts on down old rituals tied to dissociating.
The frustration is still there. How come the rest of the world seems to be happy and NOBODY wants anything to do with male rape survivors? Right now (aside from my therapist), I literally have nowhere to go to get help here in the States. I have to go abroad to find properly trained people in PTSD. Here in the land of "the greatest health care in the world."
This blog contains explicit content including "triggers"(sights, sounds, phrases and more) that may be disturbing/potentially harmful to trauma survivors. If this bothers you, leave now and if you feel safer later, then come back. If not, keep going and please pass this blog onto anyone that it might help.
I decided to try something new today. When dissociating hits, slowly face what's happening and see that it's not there. Being raped again, being with an old partner, etc. The old partner would be great. But you have to stop and literally feel the space next to you in bed, the pillow and more. No one's there. In the past she was there. But now, nothing. It takes time and can be frustrating to do. But it seems like as you do that it cuts on down old rituals tied to dissociating.
The frustration is still there. How come the rest of the world seems to be happy and NOBODY wants anything to do with male rape survivors? Right now (aside from my therapist), I literally have nowhere to go to get help here in the States. I have to go abroad to find properly trained people in PTSD. Here in the land of "the greatest health care in the world."
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
Doing What You Have to to Survive
NOTE: This blog contains explicit content including occasional "triggers". These can be many things that are upsetting to trauma survivors:
sights
sounds
phrases
music
colors
noises
and many others
If these bother you, stop reading now. If they don't, keep going. And please pass this blog onto anyone that you think it might help.
Another rough day. In-between a doctors appointment and other things, lots of dissociating. I thought I was going to attack the doctor when she came in. After I left I thought, how do I get from here to my car? How do I go from the office back home? I sit in my car and scream for about ten minutes trying to focus. Finally I think I can do it. But then I'm driving down the freeway, screaming and fighting to not black out. I come back home, go inside, close all the drapes and then fight even more to focus.
Then, I think, maybe I can focus now. But later, it's more of the same crap. I come back and fight for another hour or two. After that, I think maybe I can focus. At times my therapist says to just "go with the moment". I disagreee. Because if I do that, I'll literally fall apart. It's not a matter of trying to control every thought in your head. Instead, it's trying to not dissociate and vanish. In the past I've blacked out. Then when you wake up, you have no idea of where you are. What did you do or say? Where did you go?
I was telling someone earlier tonight, when this happens 24/7, how do you cope with this? How do you not snap in a crowded place and then get arrested for assault? It literally feels like almost everywhere I turn nobody can be bothered with listening. I told the doctor a little about being raped and PTSD and got the standard "that's not in my specialty" reply. Did she say that only because of that? Or were there other reasons as well (I remind her of someone who abused her? It freaks her out that a guy got raped more than once. After all, only women get raped. And naturally we NEVER EVER talk about guys getting raped. Because that's just not done in polite society).
One thing I'll never do is just give up, roll over and literally die. I refuse to give the m****rf*****s that treated me like shit the satisfaction. At the same time, I'd like just one day that's symptom free.
sights
sounds
phrases
music
colors
noises
and many others
If these bother you, stop reading now. If they don't, keep going. And please pass this blog onto anyone that you think it might help.
Another rough day. In-between a doctors appointment and other things, lots of dissociating. I thought I was going to attack the doctor when she came in. After I left I thought, how do I get from here to my car? How do I go from the office back home? I sit in my car and scream for about ten minutes trying to focus. Finally I think I can do it. But then I'm driving down the freeway, screaming and fighting to not black out. I come back home, go inside, close all the drapes and then fight even more to focus.
Then, I think, maybe I can focus now. But later, it's more of the same crap. I come back and fight for another hour or two. After that, I think maybe I can focus. At times my therapist says to just "go with the moment". I disagreee. Because if I do that, I'll literally fall apart. It's not a matter of trying to control every thought in your head. Instead, it's trying to not dissociate and vanish. In the past I've blacked out. Then when you wake up, you have no idea of where you are. What did you do or say? Where did you go?
I was telling someone earlier tonight, when this happens 24/7, how do you cope with this? How do you not snap in a crowded place and then get arrested for assault? It literally feels like almost everywhere I turn nobody can be bothered with listening. I told the doctor a little about being raped and PTSD and got the standard "that's not in my specialty" reply. Did she say that only because of that? Or were there other reasons as well (I remind her of someone who abused her? It freaks her out that a guy got raped more than once. After all, only women get raped. And naturally we NEVER EVER talk about guys getting raped. Because that's just not done in polite society).
One thing I'll never do is just give up, roll over and literally die. I refuse to give the m****rf*****s that treated me like shit the satisfaction. At the same time, I'd like just one day that's symptom free.
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