How Do You Feel?

No sign yet of my test results. In the meantime, it's cover other bases and try to keep a sense of balance. Anger and other problems are still there, which means trying to protect both myself and others in potentially dangerous situations.

How's your balance?

Be As Healthy As You Can

Still waiting for my test results. In the meantime, stick to my holistic routine as best you can. Part of that right now is not the perfect diet, but as chemical free as possible.

One tip for the day. If someone tells you that natural sugar is different from refined, that's just corporate propaganda. Your body can't say, oh yes, that's refined C&H sugar, and that's agave from Whole Foods. It doesn't work like that.

Why then would you take that chance? Have fun on your birthday and holidays. But just be aware of the effects of things on you.

Healing from a Long Period of Abuse

Some good news about my test results. It turns out that the test results aren't completely done. I don't have Celiac's Disease. However, the autoimmune test isn't done yet. I'm told however that at this stage it's "abnormal", and my doctor will tell me more next month. In the meantime, I'm waiting for the test results to be able to get a second opinion.

As for backed up anger, I have moments where I want to kill everyone that gets in my way. I would never do that, of course. Having said that, the anger is still there. Overall, I'm trying to look at this as healing from a long period of vicious abuse overall.

Whatever my condition is, how long have I had it? Thinking back thru a history of symptoms, maybe ten to twenty years, and I didn't know exactly what it was. Now, I'm concentrating on healing. Not perfectionism. But a balance.

A Breakthrough(Contains Potentially Triggering Content. Read at Your Own Risk)

Every trauma survivor has their own history and things to struggle with. Some at times for whatever reasons do better than others. The point though is that you do your best to continue.

In my case, despite all of the horrible things that have happened, I still keep going. Now, I feel like there's a breakthrough.

My trauma history involves several things:

Being raped by three pedophiles (who will never be prosecuted).
Turning to many people in person, and 99% of them said it's your fault, piss off, you deal with it, and other damaging stuff.
Vicious abuse (physical, emotional and verbal).
Rampant racism.

Now, being a severaly traumitized little kid, this garbage doesn't help. For whatever reasons, I used to have the attitude of there's something wrong. I don't know what it is. But every time I try to say something I get abused. Which means the only safe thing to do is to turn away and silently scream so nobody else will be pissed off and scream at me.

It's taken me a long time to finally face that. And I'm embarassed to say that it did. I shouldn't be. At the moment though, I'm struggling with that.

Everybody has their good side and evil side. I'm not some racist, right wing gun carrying monster. Having said that, this means that if some weird thought comes to mind like I'm going to kill every m***********g n****r in this room, I won't do that. Also, the fact that that's there doesn't mean that I'm some horrible person. Instead, for a long time I've been terrified of my evil side. Which also means that anger doesn't get let out in a healthy way.

Not too long ago someone mentioned to me that he thought I should be nicer to myself. You're being too harsh on yourself and hurting your health. Now that my GP is saying that I have arthritis, the question comes to mind. In fighting to survive and not dealing with getting anger out, have I inadvertantly made myself sick?

As I go out right now, I see other people and many times the thought comes to mind I'm gonna kill them. I'm gonna kill everybody in this room. I'm going to track down every asshole that treated me like s**t, beat them into the ground, stab them and smash them into a million f*****g pieces. Would I actually do that? No. On the other hand, I'm not going to penalize myself anymore for being a normal human being.

Thanks for reading.

Trying to Cope

Today time to kick back for a while. Yesterday was long and stressful. I've been trying for almost a month to get two test results back that might involve long term treatment. Nothing in the mail, nothing on line. No call from my primary GP.

Then I find out that they had a IT problem that wiped out current copies of patients records. Fortunately they had my backup, so no need to go back in and redo the tests. I found out two things. First, I tested negative for Celiac's Disease. Now I can go back if I want to to a normal diet that includes gluten. Second, I tested positive for rheumatoid arthritis (one type of autoimmune disease).

The clinic never notified me of the IT meltdown. My doctor never called me about my test results. And now, I still can't get copies of my test results to use to try and get a second opinion about the arthritis.

How's your day so far?

One of the hardest things to deal with right now is long term horrible abuse. Since long term stress can hurt your immune system, does this mean that fighting to survive against something that's not my fault has made me sick?

In the meantime, I'm still following my holistic health routine. Right now, focus on health first and getting thru more appointments. Then, go back to finding the new jobs. Prioritize, but multi-task.

Any comments?

Sorry to Be Away for a While

Thanks for the ongoing support while I've been busy this week. Time now to catch up on a lot of stuff.

Symptoms are still there. You try to focus on how you feel in the morning and have some sense of being awake and not just almost sleepwalking thru the day. I'm still dissociating about a hundred times a day. Being aware of tangible things around you can help somewhat. Then again, on those bad days when it doesn't, what then?

My therapist says that if your'e severely traumatized like I am (with no treatment for a long time as well), then it's scary but normal for a part of you to identify with your perpetrator(s). Having heard that, I'm still struggling with why would a normal person want anything to do with three serial pedophiles in any way? Raping innocent little kids. Having sex with animals. I'm not gay, bi-sexual or into pain, humiliation, bestiality or anything else.

Why then would you have sick thoughts like that?

On really bad days, it's a non-stop fight. Don't attack this person. Don't rape this little kid. Don't have sex with the dog walking by. You fight to keep some sense of focus, because you have to.

I'm not abnormal in any way. Yet this stuff happens. Why?

At times I just turn things off and sit. I try to pay attention to how I feel. You can't control other horrible people or all of the violent sick and other horrible stuff happening in the world. I can't handle my pain and everyone else's all at the same time.

Medication doesn't work because that's just a band aid. It doesn't help the core trauma. Why walk around in a daze and still fighting to not dissociate?

I still have nightmares, lucid dreams and flashback to when I was living overseas. It's like bits and pieces of sound and scenes that hit you. You have to fight really hard to keep some sense of being grounded. The severity of my symptoms is proportional to the underlying untreated trauma. Also, denial isn't an issue. It used to be. Not any more.

Other stuff causes more pain. At times it's like one horrible scene after another. You know something's wrong, and do your best to protect yourself. Yet, it doesn't stop. The pain of being raped is there. Nobody listens or helps. You fix it. Weakness isn't tolerated and other idiotic garbage is rampant.

Am I the only one who's not severly delusional and sees everything that's happening?

It's the Effects of Things on You

Greetings to our growing global audience. Recently, everywhere from Boston and Mountain View, CA. to Auckland and the People's Republic of Brooklyn, NY.

How's your emotional balance? In my case, not dissociating is one of the toughest things to deal with. All day long you feel like you're getting bombarded with pain. Dissociate and you get relief. However, that's not really true. It just makes things worse. Bits and pieces of sights and sounds hit you, and you scream and fight to not black out or feel like you have no sense of reality.

Do you feel like you're the only one who sees thru all of the delusion, lies and other garbage that's out in the world? As I keep going in trying to stay healthy, more realizations keep happening. As they do, you struggle to not feel totally bombarded with pain. Can you trust anyone? Is everyone lying to you?

You feel at times like you're going to snap and kill everyone who gets in the way. You have to focus really hard to keep some sense of balance. Not perfection, but balance.

Also found out that my victim compensation claim was denied. Now, I have 30 days to write a letter to ask for a second review. I'm also talking to a legal aid attorney to get some suggestions on this.

They're saying you're denied because of statute of limitations (the crimes occured before we started this compensation program). Therefore, legally they don't exist.

How would you respond to that?