You Can't Do It All By Yourself

There's one thing that many trauma survivors have in common. The need to try and save the world so they can escape their pain. If you could, that's one thing. But in reality, your well being comes first.

Health is holistic (physical and mental). I fight my symptoms every day to try and keep some sense of being grounded. Why? Because I don't have a choice. You can't just sit back and do nothing. You have to fight back.

Unchecked violent dissociating was a survival tool for a long time. At least I thought it was. In reality, it was just the opposite. Now, I fight to not dissociate. I don't want to disappear and not know where I am. This means that at times I have to search all over my apartment to make sure that there's no one else there. There's no one under the bed. There's no one on the other side of the bed. There's no one hiding in the closet who wants to rape me and then kill me.

Even though there's no one actually there, that doesn't matter. You HAVE to check to make sure you're safe.

In the past week I've had one nightmare. The rest of the time, no dreams at all. Is that a bad sign, or just a break?

Unless I have no chi or chest pain, I try to do as much exercise as possible every day. Many times after that, I can barely move. Does it give some relief from adrenalin surges and other pain? Sometimes. Despite that, I still have to focus to try and have a smooth chi flow. Sometimes I spend the whole day fighting to try and reach that.

I don't want to go back to binge alcoholism. I don't want to go back to binging on junk food. Lots of salt and sugar are stimulants that make it worse.

All for now.