Almost New Years

Happy early 2016. It's 6:05 p.m. as we write this. Which means at about 8 am tomorrow morning, the New Year party starts. Having fun in your part of the world? Here, the past week has been a real struggle to try and deal with symptoms and exhaustion (among other things).

What's the hardest symptom to deal with? Right now, dissociating and adrenalin surges. Also, flashbacks to how severe my trauma history has been. I went to my GP today, and we talked about the role diet plays in my heart disease and trauma symptoms. Over Xmas I didn't think I overdid it on the holiday snacks. But I ended up putting on ten pounds in two days. Now I'm starting to lose it. But this also makes me realize that my tolerance for sugar and salt is gone. For a really long time, I was poisoning my system with way too much salt, sugar and caffeine. Which means that eventually your system gives out. It took me a year-and-a-half to detoxify from caffeine abuse (call it what it was). Now, tiny amounts of salt and sugar cause all kinds of problems.

Salt and sugar are stimulants. They affect your nervous system and liver (among other things). The longer you abuse, the longer it takes to heal?

I still have dissociative blackouts. In the past the pain was so bad that I would black out. Then you wake up and have no idea of where you are, and why it happened. Your system can only take so much before you shut down.

Dealing with adrenalin surges takes a lot of focus. If you're not careful, it feels like you have no control over your chi flow. Now, fight that every day all day long (in addition to everything else you're dealing with).

Do I want to hurt myself or anyone else? No. Also, many of my psychosis symptoms are gone now. Due to what? Medication? I think it's just due to not giving up and killing myself a long time ago. I still have lots of symptoms to deal with. But now I'm not scared to open my front door at night.

How do you protect yourself from dangerous triggering stuff? We just screen everything. Today is a really high triggering day (like a really bad smog alert). You can't stop everything. But you have to protect yourself.

I don't want to die.
I don't want to hurt myself, or anyone else.
I have to protect myself, my multiples and my little kid.

Have fun and stay well.