New Years

Happy 2016. Another long day here of fighting symptoms and exhaustion. One thing though. I've realized that my tolerance for salt, sugar and junk food is gone. I abused my system for so long that it eventually gives out. Now tiny amounts make my symptoms worse.

Will I go out tonight? Depends on trying to stay grounded. We'll see.

Have fun.

Almost New Years

Happy early 2016. It's 6:05 p.m. as we write this. Which means at about 8 am tomorrow morning, the New Year party starts. Having fun in your part of the world? Here, the past week has been a real struggle to try and deal with symptoms and exhaustion (among other things).

What's the hardest symptom to deal with? Right now, dissociating and adrenalin surges. Also, flashbacks to how severe my trauma history has been. I went to my GP today, and we talked about the role diet plays in my heart disease and trauma symptoms. Over Xmas I didn't think I overdid it on the holiday snacks. But I ended up putting on ten pounds in two days. Now I'm starting to lose it. But this also makes me realize that my tolerance for sugar and salt is gone. For a really long time, I was poisoning my system with way too much salt, sugar and caffeine. Which means that eventually your system gives out. It took me a year-and-a-half to detoxify from caffeine abuse (call it what it was). Now, tiny amounts of salt and sugar cause all kinds of problems.

Salt and sugar are stimulants. They affect your nervous system and liver (among other things). The longer you abuse, the longer it takes to heal?

I still have dissociative blackouts. In the past the pain was so bad that I would black out. Then you wake up and have no idea of where you are, and why it happened. Your system can only take so much before you shut down.

Dealing with adrenalin surges takes a lot of focus. If you're not careful, it feels like you have no control over your chi flow. Now, fight that every day all day long (in addition to everything else you're dealing with).

Do I want to hurt myself or anyone else? No. Also, many of my psychosis symptoms are gone now. Due to what? Medication? I think it's just due to not giving up and killing myself a long time ago. I still have lots of symptoms to deal with. But now I'm not scared to open my front door at night.

How do you protect yourself from dangerous triggering stuff? We just screen everything. Today is a really high triggering day (like a really bad smog alert). You can't stop everything. But you have to protect yourself.

I don't want to die.
I don't want to hurt myself, or anyone else.
I have to protect myself, my multiples and my little kid.

Have fun and stay well.

Xmas Stuff

A global Happy Xmas to our vast and loyal audience. I'm not sure who all of you are. But thanks for the ongoing support.

The shopping is done. The cooking for today is done. Now, we just want some peace and quiet. We can't solve all of the world's problems. But we are aware, and realize that your well being comes first.

We still have symptoms and blackouts. Then again, you do your best.

Have fun.

Trying to Not Black Out

Do you still have dissociative blackouts? My multiples haven't lashed out in a long time. But it still happens. Symptoms are still there.  And exhaustion.

We just want to feel safe.

Holiday Stuff

Finally finished the Xmas shopping. Now, some more for me. But through it all, fighting symptoms and exhaustion.

We're just trying to keep some sense of being grounded.

Trying to Face Pain

Every day you struggle with symptoms. You try to face your trauma history as best you can, without hurting yourself. You get bombarded with sick and twisted thoughts. But you know you're not a sociopath. You're not gay, bi, or into bestiality or necrophilia. You're just trying to protect yourself.

I don't want to dissociate and vanish. I don't want to not know where I am and not care. For a long time, practically nobody cared or listened. I feel at times like I've had to do everything myself.

I've never had a day without symptoms or pain. Going back to lots of pain meds or anti-depressants? No thanks.

You just want to feel safe.

You Can't Do It All By Yourself

There's one thing that many trauma survivors have in common. The need to try and save the world so they can escape their pain. If you could, that's one thing. But in reality, your well being comes first.

Health is holistic (physical and mental). I fight my symptoms every day to try and keep some sense of being grounded. Why? Because I don't have a choice. You can't just sit back and do nothing. You have to fight back.

Unchecked violent dissociating was a survival tool for a long time. At least I thought it was. In reality, it was just the opposite. Now, I fight to not dissociate. I don't want to disappear and not know where I am. This means that at times I have to search all over my apartment to make sure that there's no one else there. There's no one under the bed. There's no one on the other side of the bed. There's no one hiding in the closet who wants to rape me and then kill me.

Even though there's no one actually there, that doesn't matter. You HAVE to check to make sure you're safe.

In the past week I've had one nightmare. The rest of the time, no dreams at all. Is that a bad sign, or just a break?

Unless I have no chi or chest pain, I try to do as much exercise as possible every day. Many times after that, I can barely move. Does it give some relief from adrenalin surges and other pain? Sometimes. Despite that, I still have to focus to try and have a smooth chi flow. Sometimes I spend the whole day fighting to try and reach that.

I don't want to go back to binge alcoholism. I don't want to go back to binging on junk food. Lots of salt and sugar are stimulants that make it worse.

All for now.

Trying to Stay Grounded

Another trip to the food bank, and aside from the helpful food, some other contacts (in case they're needed).   It's my journalism background. Always maintain your sources, because you WILL need them. Now, some time back home to try and have some sense of being grounded.

Your intuition isn't always right. But mine's doing pretty well. That being said, you still have to fight to not dissociate. You scream and try to get anger out. At the same time, you try not to black out.

Pain is all over. I don't want to go back to lots of pain meds, which would mean more addictions. Is there a holistic way instead?

Back to more.

Chronic Exhaustion

Another day of fighting symptoms. You try to be aware of many things (diet, sleep and others). But even with all of that, you still can't just sit and do nothing. It's like if you do, you fall apart. You have to protect your well being. You're bombarded with weird thoughts that come out of nowhere. Despite that, you have to  fight to keep some sense of being grounded.

I'm not abnormal in any way. Your symptoms are equal to the severity of your trauma history.

How Are You Coping?

Finally got the Xmas gifts done. Now, the lights and some more shopping for me. Symptoms are in real extremes. One minute you feel like you can focus. then, you have to fight to not dissociate. It's like a migrane that never goes away. If you don't fight to keep some sense of being grounded, you'll fall apart. You don't have a choice.

You can't protect yourself from all triggering stuff. But we try to set boundaries as best we can. Nobody else will protect us. Do we still have psychosis symptoms? At times. But we try to stick to we're not psychotic. We're not a sociopath. But it's still exhausting.

Can we save the world from all of the evil nasty people out there? No. But we try to be aware. Also, that your well being comes first.

Ho do you cope with the horrible cruel people out there? Do you struggle at times and ask, can I trust anybody? Is everybody lying to me? My intuition isn't always right. But I try to trust it as much as possible.

Stay well.

Lots of Pain

You fight really hard to not scream and black out from flashbacks and other pain. You have flash cuts of being tortured and nobody helps you. You can't go thru a day without being bombarded with pain all day long.
Circulation pain, anal pain, testicular pain. It never stops.

Then again, it has to come out.

Shut Everything Off

Got some shopping done today. After that, it was back home and fight to not dissociate. Walk around and hold solid things in your hands. How does the carpet feel? No TV, no radio, no threatening stimulus. Protect yourself at all costs.

This week, I'll try to get in to see one of my doctors about my chi level going down. I don't want to end up on lots of pain meds, and then potentially have severe addictions again. The first time was horrible enough.

Stay well.

Don't Fall Apart

More circulation pain and fighting to not black out. My chi flow is varying a lot. Even if you walk a lot and try to massage your legs to feel better, many times that doesn't work. But, what else can you do?

Weird thoughts come out of nowhere. I don't want to violently dissociate and disappear. It's like the essence of what makes you you disappears. Then what happens? You have to fight to not fall apart.

It's not my fault
I did nothing wrong
My multiples, little kid and I did nothing wrong
We're not a danger to anybody
You have to fight back
You can't just sit back and do nothing
I don't want to violently dissociate and make the pain worse

How do you cope?

Low Energy and Circulation Pain

More low chi flow today. Also, more circulation pain (especially in my legs). It's like your leg is on fire, and you HAVE to try and walk immediately. Is this because my cardiomyopathy is getting worse? No answers so far, other than this is common for heart patients.

It's a real struggle to focus.

No Energy Today

Another day of battling symptoms. It's much harder because today there's no chi flow. My appetite's also gone down a lot. I talked to my cardiologist about this, and he says it's not a dangerous sign of your cardiomyopathy getting worse. But it is frustrating feeling like you can barely eat anything.

Protect yourself.

Appointments and Pain

Went to see the psychiatrist today. In some ways, it was a little easier to focus and talk about many of my concerns. I still have my symptoms and scream in pain many times during the day. It's like all of the pain in your trauma history floods out all at once. You have to focus really hard to try and not black out. What happens if you did black out? Would I die? Would I never come back to what's painful reality? I don't know.

Right now, I have my little kid and 25 personalities. Every mental health support person that I've talked to say the same thing. The fact that scary and sick thoughts bother you proves that you're not a sociopath. We also talked about psychosis symptoms. Is it possible to have severe PTSD and NOT be psychotic? Yes. The psychotic symptoms still happen at times:

Paranoid thoughts about people following me
People trying to break in and kill me
Hallucinations

Do you have moments of clarity as you struggle with your symptoms? We do. When they happen, it's scary because you feel paralyzed. You don't know what to do. You don't want to be bombarded with pain. What do you do?

Can I save the world from all of the horrible people out there? No, I can't. But I will protect myself. You have to set boundaries. But you already knew that.

Stay well.

Paralyzed with Pain

You try to fight symptoms and keep some sense of being grounded. Yet at times you're bombarded with pain, and don't know what to do.

What do you do to try and deal with it?

How are Your Holidays?

How's the weekend? Here, we've been trying to keep up with rest from battling symptoms all day long. I'm lucky if I get 2-3 hours of sleep a night. Then, you seat breakfast and rest until you have enough energy to face your day.

I'm still trying to keep my diet balanced. My tolerance for junk is just shot. That doesn't mean I'm totally salt and sugar free. I'm not rich enough to eat 100% organic every day. But you know there's a difference.

How do you protect yourself from horribly triggering stuff and people? I don't have control over them. But I will set boundaries to protect myself. Just because I'm on some social media platform doesn't mean that the entire world is entitled to know everything about me. You have to protect yourself.

Violent dissociating is still one of the toughest problems to deal with. On bad days, it feels like a migrane that won't go away. You can't sit back and do nothing. You have to fight back. Then, at the end of the day you can barely walk.

But you have no other choice.

What's on right now? The TV is, with the sound turned down. A nice John McLauglin You Tube clip is on as I write. Sometimes I want peace and quiet. I don't want to be bombarded with pain.

I just want to feel safe.

Struggle to Not Black Out

When was the last time we got any sleep? We can't remember. Nightmares still happen, and even after you try to go back to sleep they still happen.

Dissociating is still one of the most exhausting symptoms to deal with. We have psychotic thoughts at times. When we do, you have to fight really hard to not fall apart. Because you don't have a choice.

More appointments tomorrow.