Wednesday, September 2, 2015

What's Real and What Isn't (Contains potentially triggering content. Read at your own risk)

Another appointment today, and back to fighting symptoms. Part of that struggle is to face your trauma history as best you can. That doesn't mean be trapped in the past. It means if you don't deal with it in a good way, it will come out in bad ways. Alcoholism, junk food, dissociative rituals to try and escape pain. That doesn't work.

Instead, you don't want to feel like you have no idea of where you are. What time is it? Suddenly hours go by, and you have to fight hard to not be trapped in an endless dissociating loop. For a long time, violent unchecked dissociating was a survival tool. It like you're being screamed at non stop all day long. Every day. No break from the abuse. How do you fight to survive that? My first therapist that actually helped me for a short time said I'm surprised you didn't kill yourself years ago from the horrible stress.

How do you respond to that?

In some ways my heart disease is a result from a lifetime of fighting trauma. I still want to have a cortisol blood test to know what my level is. If you're constantly fighting every single day, how can that not be connected to your cortisone? In the past I had lots of illnesses that I think were a result of not dealing the trauma of being raped.

If it doesn't come out in one way, trauma will come out in others.

Many days I don't watch any TV. You have to screen everything to make sure it's safe to deal with. You have to set boundaries. Nobody else will do it for you.

While I have various benefits, at times you have tough moments. How do I pay for this medication and my food for tomorrow? These are real human beings dealing with survival. Not some statistic that can be manipulated during an election.

You have to fight back.

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